Dd doesn't want to come to family wedding

[AlexanderHamilton]

I guess this isn't so much of an AIBU as a Wwyd.

We've been invited to my cousin' wedding. It's the Saturday at the end of half term. It will involve 2 nights stay (travel up on Friday, wedding Saturday, travel home Sunday. He has lived quite a distance away since a child (making regular visits with his parents "home". His mother is my godmother. I've verbally said we will be able to go.

Told Dd about it today & she doesn't want to go. I understand why as it's in the middle of her GCSE's. I'd thought one weekend would be ok. I could go alone (with my parents) & dh stay home but then I know Ds will not want to go as he hates anything that will take him away from his Xbox & his theatre group & he's not good at formal occasions (asd).

If we don't go it would he seen as quite a big snub.

Is Dd being unreasonable or not?

Dh loves weddings. He'd prefer to go more than me, but I couldn't really consider not going!!

And Dd under normal circumstances loves going to anything where her grandparents will be there.

Hmmm further dilemma. Dh says she should go.

Is there no-one from your DH's side who could stay/keep an eye?

I mean, I would have gone or been made to go in my gcse year but I’m not very studious. I would also take revision to do but not do it because I’m a twat.

What are the hours of the actual wedding? Is it an afternoon to night thing? Is one day out of it that bad if she can study in the morning?

I come from a small and nuclear family who have rarely had very many essential family occasions. A handful over several decades really.

So I guess that is why I just don't get this "drop everything" attitude to attend weddings etc. of extended family I have little or no contact with.

Her other grandmother has the start of Alzheimer's & has no concept of letting Dd get on with things. Over Christmas Dd took herself off to Costa to study for mocks because dh's mum kept turning up & disturbing her.

Yes middleclass. It's early afternoon going on til probably midnightish.

Everyone is suggesting she leave them with DH. However from Ops original post I can’t see mention of a DH and op has not replied to any of those comments. So I suspect Its just you, dd and Ds op?

Then I would say leave DD. Studying is a fantastic and valid excuse. And take DS. He can have his “get out of jail free card” when it’s his GCSEs and there’s an event.

Just seen mention of the DH!! Sorry :). I would leave him with DD then. And take DS.

Er, OP mentions DH a few tunes in different posts...

X post

I do have a dh.

I've just told him what Dd said & he thinks she's being a bit "silly" & has got the rest of half term to revise.

What would I do if dd was in the middle of her GCSE's?

Leave dd and ds at home with dh and go on my own, I think. Would that be workable?

If you say your DD is usually very happy to go to events and see her grandparents, and you don’t feel it’s an excuse, then I would listen to DD. It’s her sitting the exams and her stress levels and anxiety. Plus her future. Maybe have her speak to her Dad and tell him her worries and see if she can convince him?

Yes, of course she is being unreasonable.

Weddings and family gatherings are important. She can take her revision with her.

Don’t side with your DH and minimise the importance of your DD’s GCSEs. Is she generally quite good with studying and likely to actually spend the time studying? Or do you feel it’s an excuse?

Could she stay with a like minded friend for the weekend so the rest of you can go?

She's very dedicated, both to her academic & her vocational work (she's a dancer with a place at professional dance college for next year)

Over Christmas she was very diligent studying for her mocks. She does sometimes have to be reminded to take breaks.

DH thinks DD is being a bit silly to want to prioritise working for her exams over the wedding of a cousin she hardly knows!!

I think he is being unreasonable there and I would be trying to tell him so.

That makes me feel rather sorry for your DD, to be honest.

Is it at the beginning or end of half term? If at the end, YABU because she will need to prepare for the exams that are running the following week (she may even have one on the Monday). If at the beginning, YAB slightly less U.

I need to get her to get my dad, her grandad on board. She's the apple of his eye. He'd go to the ends of the earth for her.

A friend is a good option too.

Could DH be wanting her to go so he can too?

Ffs.
It’s the last weekend of half term, the day before she goes back to school.
Why ‘should’ she go to her mother’s cousin ‘s wedding?
You and your DH are putting far too much pressure on her and being g disrespectful.
Have some sensitivity about what GCSEs are like fit kids these days.

YOU parent your kid, and be in her side. Stop kowtowing to your dad’s view of faaamly.

I’d get her to call/talk to her grandad. Mention how anxious she is and she really needs the study hours etc. Maybe if she says she wouldn’t be able to enjoy the wedding because she’s be worried about missing study time it might hit home?

Sorry I was assuming her exams were after Easter. Mine were never that early!

It's the end of half term.

She doesn't have an exam on the Monday. She has English Language Tuesday morning.