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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd doesn't want to come to family wedding

268 replies

AlexanderHamilton · 27/01/2018 23:21

I guess this isn't so much of an AIBU as a Wwyd.

We've been invited to my cousin' wedding. It's the Saturday at the end of half term. It will involve 2 nights stay (travel up on Friday, wedding Saturday, travel home Sunday. He has lived quite a distance away since a child (making regular visits with his parents "home". His mother is my godmother. I've verbally said we will be able to go.

Told Dd about it today & she doesn't want to go. I understand why as it's in the middle of her GCSE's. I'd thought one weekend would be ok. I could go alone (with my parents) & dh stay home but then I know Ds will not want to go as he hates anything that will take him away from his Xbox & his theatre group & he's not good at formal occasions (asd).

If we don't go it would he seen as quite a big snub.

Is Dd being unreasonable or not?

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 28/01/2018 15:54

I would say, don't insist on her going to this wedding, it's not as if she even knows this cousin all that well. It's far too close to her GCSEs and it's great that she's so dedicated.

You can go on your own, or take DS with you.

TatianaLarina · 28/01/2018 16:04

We are a family. Everyone's feelings are equally important. No one gets priority over others needs & wishes but due to differing needs my children have to be treated differently

Not when one of the family doing the most important exams of their life thus far.

Priorities - you don’t seem to be able to grasp the concept.

DD and her exams are the priorty in this scenario.

DH’s wishes, DF’s wishes, yours, are all secondary.

Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 28/01/2018 16:05

Which is why we are discussing as a family with Dd what she wants & how best to proceed.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 28/01/2018 16:06

Also when I originally spoke to dh last night he had incorrectly assumed the wedding was the beginning of half term, not the end.

OP posts:
funuffle · 28/01/2018 16:24

Why does it make a difference if it's at the beginning??

None of you should go. Even if your DD hopes to pursue a career in the performing arts she needs good academic qualifications!

Bluelady · 28/01/2018 16:27

Go on your own.

Nikephorus · 28/01/2018 16:39

Which is why we are discussing as a family with Dd what she wants & how best to proceed.
But she's already said she doesn't want to go. So now you have to be a decent parent and decide which of you and DH are going to be staying behind. By dragging this out she's going to end up feeling like she has to agree to come too! It's bad enough to do that to any child who's that enthusiastic about studying, but to do it to one with ASD who could well be completely thrown by a change in the study schedule she'll have created..... Come on, grow a set and support her. She sounds like the adult in the family.

MiddleClassProblem · 28/01/2018 16:41

Why does it make a difference if it's at the beginning?? we’ll she’d still have over a week until her first exam...

None of you should go bit dramatic

Idontdowindows · 28/01/2018 16:42

Which is why we are discussing as a family with Dd what she wants & how best to proceed.

She already told you what she wants. Why are you still discussing this? Are you hoping to push her into changing her mind?

Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 28/01/2018 16:49

Not at all. She wants to stay at home alone with her other set of grandparents 5 mins away.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 28/01/2018 16:55

She wants to stay at home alone with her other set of grandparents 5 mins away.

And if you don't trust her to be able to do that, DH or you stays home with her.

I really don't understand why this is still up for discussion. SHE HAS EXAMS!!

Dozer · 28/01/2018 16:58

Obtuse OP.

myrtleWilson · 28/01/2018 17:01

crikey -how much talking en famille does this need. Surely its "Right DH, one of us is staying here with the kids, one is going to the wedding - do you/I have a strong preference or shall we rock paper scissors it"

Then " hey cousin so looking forward to your wedding - just to let you know that as its GCSE week unfortunately not everyone in family can attend so it will be just me/DH but everyone else sends their love and can't wait to see the photos"

LoniceraJaponica · 28/01/2018 17:26

"Not at all. She wants to stay at home alone with her other set of grandparents 5 mins away."

Great. Sorted. No more discussion required. And if anyone starts nagging you about your DD going you shut them down immediately.

OOOOOOOOOOO · 28/01/2018 17:29

crikey -how much talking en famille does this need

My thoughts exactly 🤐

Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 28/01/2018 17:50

We will be attending the wedding & Dd will be staying home with her other grandparents nearby.

OP posts:
OOOOOOOOOOO · 28/01/2018 17:59

Phew! Glad you have sorted it out.

Butterymuffin · 28/01/2018 18:05

Seems like a good plan. Can the other grandparents stop over at yours?

funuffle · 28/01/2018 18:26

These are the other grandparents you said earlier kept interrupting her mock revision?

ChickenVindaloo2 · 28/01/2018 18:38

Hope you have a wonderful time at the wedding OP.

Now, where will you put your Mother of the Year award? The downstairs toilet or the mantelpiece?

Mysteriouscurle · 28/01/2018 18:46

Chicken thats nasty

Bogmoppit · 28/01/2018 19:12

It maybe a father/husband issue. But the issue with her son is not about gender. It is about SN and she said that she was concerned about how he would manage and react, not that she will do what the men say. My NT child AND their NT cousins are a stabilising influence on my disabled children. They would feel much safer with them around them in a social occasion. That doesn't mean I will make them do what the kids with SN dictate, it means I need to manage a situation differently and maybe not bring them.

I give not a shit if you want to question her deference to husband and father. But the issue with the MORE socially challenged child isn't a gender one, it is a SN balance one. She also didn't say that she would make dance to her son's tune. She just acknowledged it would make her ds more difficult. Why she won't just put both kids first is beyond me. I think the whole thing sounds as though she thinks their needs and feelings come far below those marvellous FAMILY people.

If this is judged as a personal attack - go ahead and delete me. But she needs to hear that she isn't being fair to her kids by kowtowing to her dad and husband.

Bogmoppit · 28/01/2018 19:17

But she is making him go and her and her DH are leaving her dd alone so it is all irrelevant.

Did you read our replies @AlexanderHamilton ?
Why don't you use that day to spend time with her relaxing and giving her 1-2-1 whilst her brother (who I fucking doubt has any desire to go to this wedding) plays happily on his xbox?

Your husband can go to the wedding and be all about "the famileeee" - perhaps he and your dad could go as Grant and Phil Mitchell?

UnRavellingFast · 28/01/2018 19:57

I don't really understand why kids are sometimes a kind of currency in extended family dynamics. We were always told it's faaaaamly and we got sod all back from the faaaaamly when it came time to our own weddings. Suddenly those we had to run after when they had weddings and small kids were putting their teenaged kids first and listening to them. Yours dcs first and everyone else a long way behind IMO.

Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 28/01/2018 20:10

That was mil who came up at Christmas & talked. Dd could have gone into the kitchen to study but she doesn't like it in there. She does like studying in Costa though.

We won't tell mil (she'll forget anyway) we will tell fil & he will check on her. In her mind there is no issue. That's the obvious solution for her & what she originally suggested (just for her to stay home).

OP posts: