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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd doesn't want to come to family wedding

268 replies

AlexanderHamilton · 27/01/2018 23:21

I guess this isn't so much of an AIBU as a Wwyd.

We've been invited to my cousin' wedding. It's the Saturday at the end of half term. It will involve 2 nights stay (travel up on Friday, wedding Saturday, travel home Sunday. He has lived quite a distance away since a child (making regular visits with his parents "home". His mother is my godmother. I've verbally said we will be able to go.

Told Dd about it today & she doesn't want to go. I understand why as it's in the middle of her GCSE's. I'd thought one weekend would be ok. I could go alone (with my parents) & dh stay home but then I know Ds will not want to go as he hates anything that will take him away from his Xbox & his theatre group & he's not good at formal occasions (asd).

If we don't go it would he seen as quite a big snub.

Is Dd being unreasonable or not?

OP posts:
IamEarthymama · 28/01/2018 01:59

I understand that you feel
Torn, I am sure you want your extended family to
Meet your children, you feel
Concerned about leaving the children st home.
But she needs this routine and time before the exam to prepare
You can say to all relatives that she is really upset to miss the wedding but her teachers have advised her not to go.
Not true maybe but no one is hurt.
Can you plan a post exam weekend away in the area where the wedding is being held?
She sounds amazing by the way!
As Procratinator Extraordinaire I would have been at the wedding like a shot.
I hope you sort this to everyone’s satisfaction

IamEarthymama · 28/01/2018 02:00

Sorry for typos, my keyboard loves random Capitalisation 😊

MayCatt · 28/01/2018 02:03

I can't believe you're actually considering forcing your daughter to miss three days of revision in the middle of her gcse's because you won't stand up to your family. Ridiculous. Be a decent parent and support your DD and her studies. Your DD sounds excellent btw. Well done her!

Mxyzptlk · 28/01/2018 02:17

I don't think we will be leaving until late Friday afternoon & presuming we will have be out of the accommodation by 11ish will be home mid afternoon Sunday I reckon.

Are you now trying to make it sound not so bad?

teaandtoast · 28/01/2018 03:00

Dd is not being unreasonable.

How would you like to miss 3 days of revision before an important exam?

huha · 28/01/2018 03:04

How would you be getting there? Car or train? Would she be able to study on travel days?

GeorgeW78 · 28/01/2018 03:16

DD sounds responsible, why can't she stay at home on her own for two nights? My family went on holiday for a week a few times when I was in year 10 & 11 and I stayed at home on my own, I enjoyed the peace! A weekend when I was 16 would not have been an issue at all.

BattleCuntGalactica · 28/01/2018 03:59

Don't drag your kids to a wedding they clearly don't want to attend, it's highly unfair and you need to have a word with you relatives if they think that's more important than her GCSEs. It's not.

Leave them at home and go by yourself. You're over complicating things.

WhiteWalkersWife · 28/01/2018 07:04

You are both being very unfair. Its not just an aftsrnoon with the travelling. You need to just tell your dad and mum and let them get on with it. Use guilt ...we really wouldnt want to do anythimg that could cause dd to fail her exams.

SuperBeagle · 28/01/2018 07:07

The thing is, OP, it's not up to you to force remind your DD to take a break. If she wants to spend that time studying, not at a wedding, that's her choice, and your desire for her to be at a wedding shouldn't trump that decision. This is her education; this is your cousin. She makes the choice about what she wants to do with regards to her education; you make your choice about the wedding.

Bluedoglead · 28/01/2018 07:09

Why in this case can’t your DH stay?

That’s what I would do (and did, when it was my cousins wedding) left the kids with their dad (am not with him any longer) (not important exams, they just didn’t want to go) and I went on my own.

Dermymc · 28/01/2018 07:18

Some of you are acting like GCSES are the most important thing ever.

I've got news for you, they aren't.

Your DD will do just fine if she misses a bit of day. She can take the revision with her. She can revise Friday morning and Sunday afternoon. As a teacher I wouldn't expect much more than this from a pupil anyway. True revision should start now and be little and often to aid recall of different facts /topics. Last minute revision so close to and exam is likely to be ineffective anyway.

Take her to the wedding, you can't put a price on family experience!

As for the funeral poster, shame on you, that is one of the worst things I've ever seen on here. No gcse is worth more than a funeral ffs.

HRTpatch · 28/01/2018 07:27

Bit dramatic dermyne
I never went to my grandparents funerals either. No big deal.

billybagpuss · 28/01/2018 07:33

I didn’t go to my cousins wedding, I went to a Robbie Williams concert.

Your DDs excuse is much better. Let her stay home.

Everyone will understand and no snub was felt in my case.

KayaG · 28/01/2018 07:39

Of course she shouldn't go. These exams are very important.

DoinItForTheKids · 28/01/2018 07:44

I think the important view on how 'important' these exams are, are the DDs don't you?!

She clearly thinks it's important, she clearly wants to do well, she clearly already has an established pattern of and commitment to revision which has been disrespected or not honoured already - she maintains this study schedule despite interruptions etc, and despite her ASD (which only makes it harder for her and probably more stressful) - and now you want to further stress her out and interrupt her clearly very much wanted revision schedule that she maintains ON TOP of going to specialist school miles away?

I cannot for the life of me fathom why you would do that. And are you saying that your family who think family is so important, would want that to override your daughter's condition that makes certain things for her more difficult than for other people?!? That would be their preference would it? Do they not understand her condition, do they just not care about it?

sothatdidntwork · 28/01/2018 07:57

The importance of GCSEs varies according to what you want to do next, and your own personality. In some cases they can be very important to UCAS applications, for instance - would be better if they weren't imv, but they are!

HidingFromTheWorld · 28/01/2018 07:58

The age old AIBU scenario....

OP: AIBU
Us: Yep, definitely.
OP: No I’m not Hmm
Us: Actually, you are and here’s why Confused
OP: No I’m NOT Angry
Us: Shock

whiteroseredrose · 28/01/2018 07:59

Can I echo what doingit said above. Your DD thinks her exams are important so they are. It bodes well for her attitude to work in years to come. And she knows what she personally needs to do to to succeed. I'm very glad teacher above does not work in my DC's school. Of course it's the ideal to revise little and often. DS started doing bits in February half term for his GCSEs but he knows that the few days beforehand are crucial for him. So we respect him and work around that.

In our house your DD would stay home with DH if necessary and DS would come to the wedding

LoniceraJaponica · 28/01/2018 08:01

I have news for you Dermymc
GCSEs are important. Anyone who says they aren't obviously don't have teenagers and don't understand the implications of not doing well.

Since the demise of AS levels universities are increasingly looking at GCSEs. DD is applying for medicine. All medical schools want the students to have a large number of As/A*s before they even consider their applications.

IMO GCSEs trump family occasions. You don't get a second chance these days.

GinIsIn · 28/01/2018 08:15

@Dermymc For starters, you seem to have little grasp on how Higher Education works - now that there are no AS levels, GCSES are the basis for provisional A level grades and are what universities consider before making an offer.

And anyway, to YOU the may not seem important. To OP’s DD, however, they are very important and that’s what’s really the key factor in this scenario.

SandyDenny · 28/01/2018 08:16

It doesn't matter that you think they aren't important Dermymc, the OP's DD obviously thinks they are extremely important if she was studying so hard over Christmas.

From the way you've described your DD it would be very unsettling for her to not be allowed to revise as she wants to and for as long as she wants.

Your family sound selfish, your Dad especially, who cares whether a teen who barely knows someone goes to their wedding?

Please don't make her go

Oblomov18 · 28/01/2018 08:21

Go on your own. DD is more concerned with GCSE's rather than a wedding, with people she doesn't know that well, which is totally understandable.

Chaosofcalm · 28/01/2018 08:22

To be honest if you barely see them then if you reply to the invite saying only you are going they will probably be relieved that is going to cost them less.

KERALA1 · 28/01/2018 08:27

Very odd, so ds airily let off the hook to play on his Xbox whilst his sister who has a genuine reason not to go is getting grief?

Leave the poor girl alone and go on your own obviously. Even if you do make her attend she won't enjoy it. What's it got to do with your parents anyway?

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