Dd doesn't want to come to family wedding

[AlexanderHamilton]

I guess this isn't so much of an AIBU as a Wwyd.

We've been invited to my cousin' wedding. It's the Saturday at the end of half term. It will involve 2 nights stay (travel up on Friday, wedding Saturday, travel home Sunday. He has lived quite a distance away since a child (making regular visits with his parents "home". His mother is my godmother. I've verbally said we will be able to go.

Told Dd about it today & she doesn't want to go. I understand why as it's in the middle of her GCSE's. I'd thought one weekend would be ok. I could go alone (with my parents) & dh stay home but then I know Ds will not want to go as he hates anything that will take him away from his Xbox & his theatre group & he's not good at formal occasions (asd).

If we don't go it would he seen as quite a big snub.

Is Dd being unreasonable or not?

So, will your Dd be going to this wedding?

Or is your Ds’s reaction part of your thinking around whether age should go?

Your thread was about HER.
You asked is she unreasonable .
We said, almost unanimously SINBU..
Your worries about her not going appear to be about:
Your Dad, and his views on family
Your DH: he likes weddings
Your DS: he won’t want to go if Dd stays.

This makes it sound as if you make her needs wrt GCSE dependent on everyone else’s ‘wants’.

Make the firm decision to leave her at home, and then work out how to deal with everyone else.

Hopefully your DH understands her need to revise. Hopefully your Dad can wind his neck in and leave off the guilt tripping. Hopefully you can stay firm in tne face if him, and whatever you decide to do about DS.

In your shoes I would go with your parents.

You don’t need to get grandpa onside, you just need to make a sensible decision based on your DDs preference not to go. At her age, I would haves refused point blank.

You need to stand up to your DH and explain the importance of exams as he clearly doesn’t get it.

Then apologise to your cousin and say that while you would have all loved to go, due to ASD + exams the children can’t attend, thus DH will stay at home with them and you will come.

End of the discussion.

I really hope you are listening to this unanimous response OP.

It is about your daughter and her GCSEs, nothing to do with how your family will feel. It is your daughter's feelings which matter in this scenario and only hers.

Your dh sounds wholly unsympathetic too . Don't GCSEs count as important in your family? As someone said, 3 days out of a 9 day half term is a lot. Even if you aren't travelling all the time it is still days buggered about with. Also just because she has English on the Tuesday doesn't mean she won't have all the other ones to revise for.

Please don't make her go. If you dh will stay I would leave the three of them at home. This thread reminds me of when husbands let their mothers act really badly because they woudl rather have their wife upset then their mother . STick up for your daughter.

Why are you considering this? It’s a cousin she barely knows. By the sound of it you wouldn’t be asking the question if it wasn’t for your Dad. You cannot let him control your life. You make the decisions for your family, not him.

What you need is a friend to come & stay.....

So what if DS kicks off?! He's younger, so if you say "You have to go" then he has to go - or are you afraid of upsetting him?

It seems you're happy to say to your DD "You have to go" when she's the one with several very good, valid reasons not to go whilst pussy-footing around your son in case he has a strop - who has NO good reasons to not go if he's told he's got to!

You're clearly not listening OP and I feel hideously sorry for your poor DD.

Your loyalties are COMPLETELY skewed.

Katy 😃

Your loyalties are COMPLETELY skewed.

And her priorities. Weddings over exams? Anyone would think the family didn’t understand the value of education. DD clearly does.

Does she have an exam on the Monday ? If not she is bu, but teenagers like to make excuses that they think will be taken on board by parents to not do things they don’t really fancy. If she will be sitting an exam Monday morning then I’d give her a pass.

GCSEs aren’t really that big a deal, let’s face it. It’s GCSEs, not the finals of a 7 year university degree. Schools play the ‘these are so important card’ to try and get kids to take them seriously but some kids take it too seriously, with hind sight they will realise they aren’t the big issue they were made out to be. The work she put in over the past two years will dictate her grade not the last weekend of the holiday. If she is desperate to cram she could take some books with her. I’d argue some time away from books will be far more beneficial to her state of mind and exam performance.

Messaged you

That info is upthread. No exam on the Monday - English on Tuesday.

Given she needs routine etc so much more than average I would say none of you should go! She's doing her GCSEs she needs her parents there with her

I don't understand why adult children are so in deference to their own parents.

I really don't understand why 2 children, with a tenuous link to the B&G are being forced to go! Please don't spout about 'family' - family is what you have (DH, DS, DD) . Fuck what your father says.

Your cousin, your aunt etc - you go.

Incidentally, does the wedding couple know that potentially 4 people are turning up, rather than 1?? (and 2 of those won't want to be there?)

Could you arrange a family get together in the summer holidays near where your niece lives as an alternative to going to the wedding.

Why are you name checking me? You said yourself "ds will not want to be away from his Xbox" but you happy to take your dd away from her revision? Sorry if misunderstood but all seems tipsy turvy to me. Why do your fathers whims trump your dds future? Baffling.

"Incidentally, does the wedding couple know that potentially 4 people are turning up, rather than 1?? (and 2 of those won't want to be there?)"

????? Well they don't know anything yet as I havnt formally replied but we've all been invited.

Just put your daughter first for once OP.

Stop prioritising your husband's, father's and son's "feelings" over her education and the rest of her life.

Just put your daughter first for once OP.

Stop prioritising your husband's, father's and son's "feelings" over her education and the rest of her life.

Of course your daughter should get to focus on her GCSEs.

Leave dd on her own but with a friend's parents 'on call' so if she doesn't like being in the house at night alone, or doesn't know how long to put a pizza in the oven, change a light bulb etc etc.

Why are you so scared about your younger DS ‘kicking off’ because he doesn’t want to be away from his xbox?

Don’t be an ineffectual parent. Pull on your big girls blouse and make adult decisions.

Your DD stays home and revises.

If she is able and happy to stay home alone then DS and DH and you go to wedding.

If she is not happy to stay home alone then DH stays with her and you take DS to the wedding. Have some nice 1-on-1 time with him.

”I need to get her to get my dad, her grandad on board”

Firstly your dad doesn’t need to be “on board”. Your family, your decision to make. Secondly, don’t put the onus on your DD to deal with your dad just because that would be easier for you.

Make the decision, tell your dad what it is, and if he kicks off rather than prioritising his granddaughter, you deal with it and protect her from that stress.

Dh is saying she should go because he wants to go. His motivation is selfish.
Your dd says she should go because her GCSEs mean fuck all to him. His motivation is selfish.
You are receiving mum, you know her GCSEs are way more important than a stupid wedding. So now you choose:
A) she stays alone
B) She stays with dh
C) She stays with you.
Personally I think your ds should be made to go if family is that important to your dad and you care so much.