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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd doesn't want to come to family wedding

268 replies

AlexanderHamilton · 27/01/2018 23:21

I guess this isn't so much of an AIBU as a Wwyd.

We've been invited to my cousin' wedding. It's the Saturday at the end of half term. It will involve 2 nights stay (travel up on Friday, wedding Saturday, travel home Sunday. He has lived quite a distance away since a child (making regular visits with his parents "home". His mother is my godmother. I've verbally said we will be able to go.

Told Dd about it today & she doesn't want to go. I understand why as it's in the middle of her GCSE's. I'd thought one weekend would be ok. I could go alone (with my parents) & dh stay home but then I know Ds will not want to go as he hates anything that will take him away from his Xbox & his theatre group & he's not good at formal occasions (asd).

If we don't go it would he seen as quite a big snub.

Is Dd being unreasonable or not?

OP posts:
TheSecondOfHerName · 28/01/2018 08:30

DS2 has ASD and is doing his GCSEs this summer. From the second week of May to the third week of June, will be doing everything we can to keep his home life within routine, calm and supportive.

So far, DH has turned down an invitation to an annual long weekend away in early June with friends. We have turned down an invitation to go away for a long weekend in half term with PIL. I would not take DS2 away for the weekend to a wedding (especially not the second weekend of half term) and would probably not go myself either.

AJPTaylor · 28/01/2018 08:31

Just go with your parents. Seems simple, what am i missing?

PinkyBlunder · 28/01/2018 08:37

So you’re piling on the pressure to your DD who has ASD and just wants to get on with working hard to do the best she can at her GCSEs because someone she hardly knows is getting married.

If that was my DD I’d be super proud of her.

diddl · 28/01/2018 08:42

I assume if she could just stay home alone it wouldn't be a problem & she could go or not as she wished?

Why aren't either of you willing to support her?

You could go with your parents & your husband could stay at home?

Perhaps you should all just decline?

LoniceraJaponica · 28/01/2018 08:47

Do you have a parents' evening between now and the GCSEs? Perhaps you could persuade your husband to attend and the teachers could explain to him why going away for a weekend bang in the middle of the GCSEs would be so disruptive to your daughter?

Hellywelly10 · 28/01/2018 08:53

OK so it's your dad you need to talk to. Just talk to him.

Dozer · 28/01/2018 08:55

YABU, poor DD!

DD should stay at home, and you and DH should agree whether you will take DS or whether he can stay home too. Then just inform the bride/groom and your parents and don’t enter into debate.

My mother has similar opinions and attitudes to your parents about “dropping everything” for extended family events, but that doesn’t mean I or my DH and DC must comply. She has expressed disapproval/upset about my and siblings’ choice not to attend certain things in the past, but again it is our choice how to respond to this (eg ignore!)

GeorgeTheHamster · 28/01/2018 08:58

May half term? No, she's right not to go then.

Go with your parents, as loads of people have said. DH can stay at home.

Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 28/01/2018 09:01

Hang on some of you.

I've never actually said I think she is being unreasonable. In my very first post I said he view is understandable & it was more of a What Would you Do? I've given & clarified the facts.

She's a very diligent & motivated young lady & we are all extremely proud of her. She wants to do well in her exams despite not needing any more than the basic English& Maths Grade 4 (she's predicted 7/8) to go onto her choice of higher education.

It had until yesterday never occurred to me that it would be a problem. We had decided not to go on holiday as we usually do at Easter or half term but I'd never comprehend this couple of days would be an issue until she said, quite matter of factly that she didn't want to go (we were having a rare Saturday off prom shopping as it was exeat).

Kerala - Ds is not "let off the hook to play Xbox". What made you think that?

OP posts:
charlestonchaplin · 28/01/2018 09:03

She can't be left home alone at her age? Well...

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2018 09:04

I think you should consider working on cutting the apron strings. What your father thinks and wants is irrelevant. You’re expressing the same attitude with your dd as your father expresses with you. Do you want your dd to still be deferring to you in 20 years time?

LoniceraJaponica · 28/01/2018 09:05

The family of one of DD's friends went on holiday during May half term week. Her friend did a lot less well than she should have done even though she took revision with her..

Why can't people think things through properly?

Idontdowindows · 28/01/2018 09:06

She does (as taxi knows) have long, hard days at school & makes many sacrifices.

This struck me most out of all of your replies.

She is making sacrifices, she is working hard. And nobody in your family seems to understand or even appreciate that. I feel sorry for her. SHE has got her head screwed on straight and her priorities right.

Leave her at home.

BashStreetKid · 28/01/2018 09:06

Why are people piling in on OP? I don't read her posts as being determined her daughter should go - at worst she's unsure, and the later ones demonstrate that if anything she's looking at ways of saying she won't go.

Idontdowindows · 28/01/2018 09:08

Because she won't stand up and simply say "No, daughter has exams, so she is not coming". She's "looking for ways". No need to look for ways.

No is a complete sentence.

DearMrDilkington · 28/01/2018 09:09

It sounds like ds wouldn't have to attend if he doesn't want to, so he can play Xbox. However your dd is getting a completely different response about the whole thing. Why? Do you normally treat them differently?

LizardMonitor · 28/01/2018 09:11

Well, to be fair, you asked if your Dd was being unreasonable, after saying it would be a ‘snub’.

We are saying your Dd is most certainly NOT being unreasonable, but your Dad and other family are, if they kick up a fuss about a mid-GCSE student not doing this trip.

You go, leave Dd with DH and take it not take your DS as you see fit.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 28/01/2018 09:11

It sounds as if you don’t want to go on your own hence trying to make it work with all of you going.

Multiple posters have said the same thing, your DH watches the kids and you go with you mum and dad.

Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 28/01/2018 09:13

I've never stated that MrDilkington

Ds would never go anywhere or do anything by choice due to his nature. He's also younger. If he found out she wasn't going to go he would kick off too.

OP posts:
NewYearNewUsername · 28/01/2018 09:15

I have a teenage daughter with ASD. There is absolutely zero way I could or would take her in these circumstances. She adores her family but really struggles with big family events. The anxiety of going plus the anxiety of having an exam a day or two later would make it impossible. She would be in full on meltdown before I even got her in the car. She can cope with small breaks but wouldn't cope with what's basically a 2-3 day break right before an exam.

All it would do is increase her already terribly high anxiety. She'd be trying to study in the car and make herself car sick. She'd spend the day panicking that she wasn't studying. She'd be trying to cram in the hotel. No way could I do that to her. I'd leave her with DH and take the other kids with me.

If family couldn't understand the reasons then tbh sod them. I'd not be prepared to put that stress on her.

NewYearNewUsername · 28/01/2018 09:17

My younger child would also moan btw but I'd still take them personally. If they were in the middle of an import a exam year it would be different. DD would get more done with a weekend without the younger one around.

NaturalWoman · 28/01/2018 09:17

She can't go because of ASD and GCSES? I would think that is a perfectly reasonable reason for her to not want to go.

I have AS and I wouldn't be able to do that either. Someone telling me that it would be ok and I'd have a nice time wouldn't help. I find it very hard to think about managing conflicting stuff in the future. Her GCSEs will be filling her head. In her shoes, I would also prioritse GCSEs and not understand why someone else's wedding was such a big deal, if I'm honest.

LoniceraJaponica · 28/01/2018 09:18

So, you go on your own, and leave your husband and DC at home. Simple.

You need to make it very clear to everyone concerned that your DD doesn't get a second chance at GCSEs (you don't these days, unless you have to retake English and maths), and your daughter's education is far far more important than a wedding.

I know that we may have an issue this year because MIL isn't in the best of health, and DD is studying A levels. I will not feel the least bit guilty at having to miss a funeral if MIL dies in the middle of A levels (she isn't local so it would mean being away for a few days).

I guess this could be counted as extenuating circumstances, but DD wouldn't want to wait another year before retaking A levels.

Idontdowindows · 28/01/2018 09:21

If he found out she wasn't going to go he would kick off too.

So? He doesn't have exams and he's young enough (from what I gather) to simply be told what to do. His sister has EXAMS. I am really flabbergasted that this word EXAMS seems to mean so little?

It's her future, it's a game for him!

pigshavecurlytails · 28/01/2018 09:22

Three days before your daughter has an exam? Distant cousin? Why are you contemplating going, surely you're at home supporting your daughter?

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