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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd doesn't want to come to family wedding

268 replies

AlexanderHamilton · 27/01/2018 23:21

I guess this isn't so much of an AIBU as a Wwyd.

We've been invited to my cousin' wedding. It's the Saturday at the end of half term. It will involve 2 nights stay (travel up on Friday, wedding Saturday, travel home Sunday. He has lived quite a distance away since a child (making regular visits with his parents "home". His mother is my godmother. I've verbally said we will be able to go.

Told Dd about it today & she doesn't want to go. I understand why as it's in the middle of her GCSE's. I'd thought one weekend would be ok. I could go alone (with my parents) & dh stay home but then I know Ds will not want to go as he hates anything that will take him away from his Xbox & his theatre group & he's not good at formal occasions (asd).

If we don't go it would he seen as quite a big snub.

Is Dd being unreasonable or not?

OP posts:
Giraffesarequitetall · 28/01/2018 00:38

Is it May or February half term?

MiddleClassProblem · 28/01/2018 00:38

That’s really close.

Giraffesarequitetall · 28/01/2018 00:38

Sorry cross posted.

I wouldn’t make her go that close to an exam.

Topseyt · 28/01/2018 00:38

You deal with your Dad. Your DD has enough on her plate.

Butterymuffin · 28/01/2018 00:39

One day off shouldn't actually make a critical difference to revision. Can you bribe them both with the offer of a treat if they do come along, and promise to defend your DD's other study time from interruptions?

MiddleClassProblem · 28/01/2018 00:40

It’s 1 day off 3 days before an exam though

Originalfoogirl · 28/01/2018 00:40

I need to get her to get my dad, her grandad on board.
No, you need to speak up for your daughter, tell her she doesn’t have to go and tell others her exams are important. Nobody needs to be on board with it except you and her.

Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 28/01/2018 00:40

She doesn't have any local friends as she attends a specialist school miles away from home.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 28/01/2018 00:42

Yes, the wedding is only one day & if it was local there would be no issue. But there will be a day's travelling either side.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 28/01/2018 00:42

I only said she speak to her grandad because if she says something to him he's puttybin her hands, me on the other hand...,

OP posts:
taxi4ballet · 28/01/2018 00:43

She's had a lot on her plate lately, she is clearly determined to succeed and she knows how much studying she needs to do for her GCSE's. I'm sure the family will understand eventually!

Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 28/01/2018 00:44

Yup- funding recalls still to come but we've pulled out of other auditions now so at least she can focus on academics more.

OP posts:
LizardMonitor · 28/01/2018 00:45

You really, really cannot make a child go away for 3 days immediately before her GCSEs if she does not want to go.

Incredibly selfish, or weak in the face of family expectation.

She will be anxious and miserable throughout the travelling and wedding, and resent you. With good reason.

Why are you even thinking twice about this?

Ruralretreating · 28/01/2018 00:46

Normally I’m all for attending big family occasions but I can see how lengthy travel, two nights away and a late night three days before an exam would be really disruptive. Your DD is not being unreasonable here.

Mysteriouscurle · 28/01/2018 00:49

FFS OP. Youre an adult. You dont have to do what your dad says. Its none of his business. It is nothing to do with him. Is he overinvested in your life and does he interfere a lot because you sound almost scared of him. You absolutely do NOT have to get him onside. You tell him what is happening. End of.

taxi4ballet · 28/01/2018 00:50

She needs the break, the rest and time at home.

OOOOOOOOOOO · 28/01/2018 00:51

I would definitely let her stay home to revise. I think it would be unfair not to.

Imabeliever · 28/01/2018 00:51

Your family needs to stop being so selfish.

There will be more family events.

She only gets one shot at her GCSEs and they will affect the rest of her life, especially English language.

3 days out of a 9 day half term is far too long to force her to take out considering this is a relative she hardly knows.

Imabeliever · 28/01/2018 00:53

She'll have a long summer afterwards to go and visit and spend time with family.

GCSEs are a 6-7 week period in which revision should be her sole purpose.

My dd didn't attend her own grandfather's funeral as it fell during her GCSEs and we couldn't justify the two day travel time.

Topseyt · 28/01/2018 00:54

Just tell your family that DD won't be there and tell them why. If they don't like it then that is their problem.

lovelystar · 28/01/2018 00:54

My dad got married in the middle of my GCSE's and I was so upset, I could literally only stay for a couple of hours during the ceremony. If he had easily postponed it a few more weeks we could have really had fun together as a family. So no don't make her go it's not fair

Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 28/01/2018 00:55

I don't think we will be leaving until late Friday afternoon & presuming we will have be out of the accommodation by 11ish will be home mid afternoon Sunday I reckon.

She's predicted a Grade 7/8 for English.

She does (as taxi knows) have long, hard days at school & makes many sacrifices.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 28/01/2018 00:56

There’s a very complex relationship here between op and her parents. It’s easy to say “Just tell him, you’re an adult” etc but when there is controlling behaviour and a situation that if you do it, you’ll be made to feel like shit but if DD does it, a 2 min conversation, it will all be “of course, darling”. People see the negative behaviour and don’t realise that it’s infrequent enough to be put shone by your love for your parents (and how they are with your kids) that causing a rift or going nc is a big deal. Often seems like many of these posters have either not experienced a relationship like this or have experienced a more extreme version where the love is out weighed to non existent so it’s hard for them to understand.

bluescreen · 28/01/2018 00:59

One whole day travelling out, one day there, one day back? THREE DAYS out immediately before GCSEs? Are you completely insensitive heartless? No way should you be asking her to go. Especially if it's not someone she's close to, but even if it were...

ObscuredbyFog · 28/01/2018 01:23

One whole day travelling out, one day there, one day back? THREE DAYS out immediately before GCSEs?

You said on page 1 that she has ASD, how long is it going to take for her to settle back into her routine after a huge upheaval like that just before her exams?

It would be a trial for an NT kid but you are really giving your DD a huge amount of problems on top of any exam anxiety she may also have. If you have any doubts how disruptive it will be for her, ring her school and ask.