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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my son’s reaction to my accident?

216 replies

atupri · 20/01/2018 10:04

I slipped off the top of stairs this morning and landed on my bottom. Cried due to the shock and pain after it. My son was sitting right in front of me watching Tv while it happened. He didn’t come to me to check if I’m ok or ask me anything. After a while, I managed to get up and go to the kitchen. He then came over and asked for his breakfast. I felt so sad and disappointed about his reaction. Please tell me if AIBU to be angry with his reaction. He is 7.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 21/01/2018 19:31

Priccila Stop being stupid. Sometimes it's ok not to be the MN arsehole you know.

holey · 21/01/2018 19:32

I think all kids are different and not all would automatically know how to respond. I'm pretty sure mine at that age (1girl, 2 boys) would all have cuddled me and been hugely concerned if I was crying, although maybe not if I'd just fallen. My sister has one that would and one that definitely would not as he is the kind of child that would struggle with that sort of interaction (and may not have noticed it anyway).

Longdistance · 21/01/2018 19:35

I fell down the stairs in front of my dd aged 4, when I was in hospital she wouldn’t go anywhere near me, as she had a shock and was scared. Dd would eventually come sit with me so I would brush her hair, but took a few days for her to come around. She was very good when I came home from hospital after the operation.

I’d be disappointed in a 7 year old, was so unfeeling tbh.

Btw, crying when you fall down the stairs is a common reaction.

HerRoyalNotness · 21/01/2018 19:36

Perhaps it's just his personality? My Dc are vet empathetic. I fell over the baby gate and face planted on the floor and had a little sob, both Dc were there asking me if I was ok and should they call an ambulance ❤️.

Maybe it's something you can teach him, have a chat about it in terms of kindness to check people if they are ok when they hurt themselves, as we'd want the same treatment and even mums and dads need it someone's too.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 21/01/2018 19:41

I think it's fine to be a bit disappointed that he didn't say anything but as he's only 7 I would try not to be angry with him.

As others have suggested you could talk about it and see it as an opportunity to teach about showing concern for others. At the time you could have asked for a hug, I think that's what I would have done. Partly as teaching about relationships is best done in the moment.

bemusedmoose · 21/01/2018 19:48

Yup - that's boys for you!

I am forever pointing out compassion and understanding to my son, he's 12 so had 12 years of being taught about it and shown compassion but still nothing. though hw is a very sweet and emotional boy and at times is so considerate and kind. Ive ruptured two discs and been lying on the floor screaming and he just watched tv. Other times his sister has fallen over and he's rushed to pick her up and hug her.

My daughter is only 5 yet if i clink a plate in the kitchen she asks if im ok and comes and checks.

I think with boys it's a case of 'you're a grown up' so it's up to you to sort it because they are far better with younger kids. Whereas girls recognise everyone needs help some times.

Turquoise123 · 21/01/2018 19:49

I am with you - not good. But - understandable. The power of the box....

Lunde · 21/01/2018 19:49

Did you actually fall down the stairs OP - or did you just slip off the top step and fall on your bum? The latter (which is what you suggest in your OP) might not seem too dangerous to a 7 year old

Sallystyle · 21/01/2018 19:52

Yup - that's boys for you!

It really really isn't.

My three boys were nothing like you described.

The sexism in your post is awful.

Maryann1975 · 21/01/2018 19:54

I had no idea children had to be taught empathy tbh. I’m a childminder too and my 3dc and all the ones I look after (bar the youngest under 2’s) would try to comfort me and help me if I hurt myself. Maybe they have picked up and copied modelled behaviour and have copied everyone else and picked it up that way? If one of them falls over they are like mother hens, trying to sort the issue out and comfort the hurt one. If your dc hadn’t been watching tv would he have reacted differently?
I’ve fallen down the stairs op and it does really hurt, I’m not surprised you cried.

RainbowGlitterFairy · 21/01/2018 20:02

Falling on your bum hurts, I'm not surprised you cried.

I slipped in the ice taking DD to school when she was about 7 and she nearly wet herself laughing at me until she realised I'd sprained my knee and couldn't walk. I'm not sure 7 year olds really get how much more falling over hurts when you are an adult, after all they trip over all the time so its probably not a big deal in their heads.

Evelynismyformerspyname · 21/01/2018 20:02

bemused it totally isn't boys. Both my boys are probably overly empathetic, the older one in particular gets himself wound up worrying about the feelings and fates of people he barely knows. They always have been like that and so has their sister.

It's probably more to do with the fact that the mother cries and has outbursts frequently by her own admission, and also with the TV.

However I keep coming back to the mother's lack of worry about what she thought was not a normal reaction for her son's sake and her instead asking whether she is unreasonable to be angry with him for not comforting her. The frequent emotional outbursts and the anger instead of concern sound a bit self absorbed and tempestuous, and perhaps the child has got used to filtering all the drama out to feel safe.

Springprim · 21/01/2018 20:06

I fell over on holiday. My 10 year dd laughed & my husband just looked at me. A complete stranger offered to help me up. I cried because of my family & told them so! You are not alone. Make sure you say to him to ask how you are as he probably just didn't think to ask-that is quite normal I'm afraid.

DotCottonDotCom · 21/01/2018 20:10

DD1 would actually walk away from me in this instance (asd)

DD2 would probably laugh. 🙈 she’s 7. Sat in front of the TV even if she had saw me she’d still be wondering what’s going on on the TV.

Pliudev · 21/01/2018 20:13

My husband is 77 and this is exactly how he would have reacted. Have that little talk with your son now, you know, the one about showing people a bit of sympathy when things go wrong.

MsHarry · 21/01/2018 20:13

springprim Flowers

MsHarry · 21/01/2018 20:14

Some of these reactions in adults sound very much like autistic spectrum disorders.

PurplePenguins · 21/01/2018 20:33

My son was 6 and had been learning basic first aid at Beavers. He had learnt to get an adult and how to deal with minor cuts and grazes. I fell down 2 steps and broke my foot. He came over "Mum is it bleeding?" He was very disappointed it wasnt and walked away 🤣.

He will learn empathy OP and hope you feel better soon xxx

RupertsMum2 · 21/01/2018 21:50

I was visiting my mum in hospital and telling her of ds1's shocking lack of empathy when I had told him that she had been admitted. She said that when she had told me that my granny (who lived with us) had died the first thing I said was "can I have her bed". I would have been 6 at the time. I have been a nurse for 30 years and an really quite an empathetic person so I wouldn't be too worried.

I hope you're not too sore now.

Maireadplastic · 21/01/2018 22:27

Like TheEdge and Evelyn, I completely disagree that it's a boy thing, bemused. Let's not paint girls as angels and boys as devils- they get enough of that.

As I said before, I have 3 boys who would all behave in different ways in this situation because they're all....different people.

wanderings · 21/01/2018 22:38

I'm one of those who's not much good at being sympathetic: I was extremely lucky that as a child, in that I never experienced any serious adversity. I certainly remember the feeling of seeing adults as superheroes, and longing to be that invincible adult myself, who wouldn't cry, or do childish things like falling over in the playground. I was a serial faller-over in the playground; I so often heard "now stop crying and go and play", and I "learned" that all falls of this kind were quite trivial. When I was a child, nobody in my immediate family was ever rushed to hospital, so I thought we were invincible, and that other people should be too. Even if I was told about older family members being in hospital, it didn't occur to me that it could happen to me or my parents.

There were times when my parents completely protected me from some quite bad problems happening to them. We were burgled at night when I was 8; we children slept right through it, and my parents were bright and cheerful to us while the police were looking around. I was totally taken in by this, on the computer (not stolen) as usual the next day, and I also felt smug that my parents were wrong when they had said earlier we didn't need a burglar alarm. That small victory over my parents always being right was all I cared about. I was blissfully unaware until some years later that it was no "smash and grab": it was an extremely aggravated burglary, which lasted a long time, very frightening for them indeed, with groping and threats of violence. But when they told me this some years later, and showed me their police statements, they didn't say a word about how it had made them feel.

Even now, when someone gets hurt, I'm very willing to provide practical help, but I'm not much good as a shoulder to cry on; I'm very much a "just get on with it" person, which gets me into trouble sometimes. When I went to hospital myself recently for a (trivial) injury, this was such a novelty to me, and I was in denial about being there as a patient; I was thinking more about the disruption to my day than whether my injury would have any long-lasting consequences!

Strygil · 21/01/2018 22:53

For Christ's sake what did you expect him to do? My eight year old hammered on the car window last week when his mum fell over on black ice in the street - "Daddy daddy mummy's fallen down and hurt herself". Another day he would have stepped over her and asked her why she was lying down. Serious injury and death are not part of seven year old worlds nor should they be. You strike me as fairly ignorant.

TooSleepyToCare · 22/01/2018 02:33

Haven't rtft but my almost 8 year old is very sympathetic / empathetic.
I slipped on some ice yesterday and he asked if I was OK and walked with me. I thought this was normal behaviour at that age.
When he comes in from school his first thought/question is about food tho!
I hope you're OK op and good luck with the role play etc

Proudmummytodc2 · 22/01/2018 04:08

Hi op!

Hope your ok after your fall.

My kids would have rushed over to me they are 4 and 6 (5 in March and 7 in apr).

I once fell through my stairs we live in a rented house and the stair hadn't been checked like we were informed and the wood was rotten and I came right through them one morning, I didn't cry but was on verge. I was In some state bruises cuts ect.

As soon as it happened my kids came bolting out of bed to help me they were actually there faster than my partner (in all fairness their room is closer)

And they were asking what they could do to help, if i was ok ect.

I think you need to have a little chat about empathy with your DS as I find that concerning he really should have that by now.