AIBU about my son’s reaction to my accident?

[atupri]

I slipped off the top of stairs this morning and landed on my bottom. Cried due to the shock and pain after it. My son was sitting right in front of me watching Tv while it happened. He didn’t come to me to check if I’m ok or ask me anything. After a while, I managed to get up and go to the kitchen. He then came over and asked for his breakfast. I felt so sad and disappointed about his reaction. Please tell me if AIBU to be angry with his reaction. He is 7.

I have to say, id have been concerned if any of children didn't displays empathy and concern in that situation.

Did he seem "zoned out" and oblivious? Or aware but unconcerned?

My eldest would have been like your son, OP. My middle boy would have run to check and been concerned. My youngest would have checked then run back to whatever he was doing.

Could it be that he was unnerved by seeing his mum cry and kind of shut down?

My DS is younger (4) and is concerned if I bang myself or whatever and asks if I'm ok. But when our cat was killed on the road, he was the only one with me. I was howling and he did nothing. It was like it wasn't happening for him. I tried very hard not to keep breaking down in front of him but I was obviously shocked and very upset. He never commented on it, checked on me or seemed concerned in any way. I think the fact that I was upset just wasn't something he could handle so he didn't take it on.

A very similar thing happened when my DMum gave herself a head injury at soft play (she stood up, banging her sun glasses into her scalp). There was lots of blood pouring down her face, it was very alarming. My 5yo DD, DS and 2yo DNephew didn't react then either. They love their DNana very much but I just don't think they could cope with what was going on. It was actually fortunate really, they just ate their snack while the first aider and I fussed over mum!

It isn't a male thing Walking

Battle the op isn't concerned though, she's angry. That's as weird as the 7 Yo's response.

Hardly anyone is saying she shouldn't have cried if hurt, but she said she "bursts out" emotionally a lot, it's her first reaction and she doesn't know whether she could control it.

People being indignant about the child's response are ignoring the fact that the mother isn't worried about her son's apparent lack of empathy for his sake, she's angry and disappointed in a 7 year old for not responding empathetically.

The OP is ignoring the questions about whether her comment about being emotional and bursting out and not knowing whether she could control it imply she has never tried to control her emotional outbursts and whether her child could be desensitised because she cries and has emotional outbursts pretty much every day... Or whether that wasn't what she meant.

I'm more concerned about the lack of empathy and compassion of some adult posters than from the 7yo. Wow, some people are just plain unpleasant aren't they?!

I do think that most 7yo are capable of showing empathy and compassion and most would react in some kind manner even if just to ask if okay. I work with this age group and certainly by year 2 age most are displaying signs of empathy towards others. Girls often sooner and some of the younger boys taking longer to get there.

Certainly when I came to school in a cast I had many empathetic children wanting to help me out. And when another teacher fell at school the year 2s especially were really concerned for him. None laughed that's for sure - some didn't really react much at all, but most did in a positive manner.

DS2 has always been very empathetic but DS1 wasn't until recently. If there was any reaction it would've been a laugh.

I tripped in a hole on the pavement the other day and he surprised me by asking if I was ok, he's finally got it at 16.

It was a situation he hadn't experienced before although he was used to OP crying. When she managed to move he checked things were back to normal by asking about his breakfast.

At 7 he should be able to make an emergency phone call (knowing his address) or fetch a neighbour. Maybe OP could explain some simple aspects of first aid. I realise none of this was necessary but it might make him more confident for the future.

Falling down stairs is a bit more than tripping over. It’s lucky you didn’t break your neck. I’m aghast at the lack of sympathy here. Hope you’re not too bruised.

Empathy is a basic must for the human species, lack of it can be indicative of issues, ASD, anti social personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, sociopathy, psychopath.......not saying your son is any of these OP, just pointing out that there are many people walking about with these conditions.

Aragog I don't think it's lacking in empathy not to say it's reasonable to be angry with a seven year old for not showing empathy. Concerned yes, but his mother is asking whether she's BU to be angry.

The whole situation doesn't sound healthy, with the mother thinking it's normal never to have even tried to use an emotional filter and control the urge to have emotional outbursts, and the assumption that anger is the natural response to her child's lack of empathetic expression towards her rather than concern that something may not be right with her child. but OP isn't coming back.

I hurt myself the other day ( not falling down the stairs thankfully) and my 7 year old son didn't notice and asked to have a juice. I told him that I'd really hurt myself and that I was surprised by his reaction. He instantly started being really sweet and checking I was ok. I think many 7 year olds, particularly boys, need to be encouraged to empathise as they won't necessarily do it on their own especially if they are watching tv.

I’m with you. I fell in October and broke my shoulder in 4 places. My 7 year old da was extremely upset at seeing me crying in pain. It was just him, me and my 9 year old dd in the house at the time. They managed to call friends to help, arrange for our neighbour to call an ambulance, fetch me a bucket to vomit in while holding back my hair. I don’t think you’re expecting too much from your son - in fact I don’t think at that age you can use ‘they’re only little’ as an excuse. So yes I would be upset and perhaps worth noting how he reacts to other people’s feelings if they’re in distress. I know when my daughter was being considered for dyspraxia, this was one of the things they looked at (empathy). She didn’t have it but worth trying to address it with your son. Bit of role play perhaps.

I've cried in front of my son before before because of a terrible tooth infection and he's empathetic now but at first he didn't empathise but I think it was because he was scared/ didn't know what to say or do....if you don't cry in front of your child on the regular then it can be scary and unsettling for them and in the case of my son he just didn't react as he was unsure what to do or say.

I have 2 DS, DS 9 would be oblivious or laugh, DS 7 would rush over to hug me. Both attitudes are ‘normal’ in my mind.

People falling over is funny, it has been funny since Neanderthal times or earlier.

Who do you should blame for your sons lack of empathy?

Could it be that he was unnerved by seeing his mum cry and kind of shut down?
Exactly what I was thinking, origami. Children don't like change. Acknowledging your fall and reaction, OP, would have been acknowledging something was up.

Why on earth would you want attention from a child just because you fell over?
Because she fell down the stairs and was shocked, hurt and crying she no doubt she hopes her child is growing up to be aware of others, especially of the people he/she loves, and is a small human capable of sympathy and empathy.

It is possible OP that he loves and depends on you so much that he simply could not let himself believe anything bad had really happened to you - if that makes sense so his reaction was a sort of minimising.

Some of these responses indicate that some posters lack of empathy might mean some psychological intervention might be necessary........🤔

@PricillaQueenOfTheDesert

What do you get out of making comments like this?

Jog on you nasty cow.

To be fair, the OP says she blubs all the time so it isn't surprising her child is used to ignoring it.

That is a weird response Priscilla. There's nothing remotely funny about this scenario. Scary.

I think I was 5 or 6 when I was taught to do when mummy fell down the stairs. Then she did and I rushed up eagerly to ask if I could call 999 now. But she’s only stubbed her toe.

So OP, I wouldn’t worry unduely but it might be time to talk your son through scenarios about someone getting hurt.

I would have been a bit concerned if my child at that age showed no concern over me crying or falling over. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want them to be devastated or anything, but at that age I would expect them to show some concern. To me, it's just natural to care when someone you love has hurt themselves, even at aged 7. I do expect a level of empathy at that age, and younger too.

I fell over in the ice recently and I cried a lot. I didn't hurt myself a great deal and no one saw me but I still cried. I was quite shocked by it.

Some really weird and cold reactions here! I am disturbed by the idea that some of you wouldn't expect a 7/8 years old to be empathetic about their mum hurting herself. That shocks me actually.

Yep, really strange and shocking.

It's also odd that crying is seen as an over-reaction in this situation. I cried when I fell over because it shocked me, I felt quite embarrassed despite no one seeing me and I was bloody cold and exhausted, the combination just got me.

Why on earth would you want attention from a child just because you fell over?

Very odd comment indeed.

I don't think it's at all normal. Both DSs were always sympathetic if I hurt myself from a very early age.