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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my son’s reaction to my accident?

216 replies

atupri · 20/01/2018 10:04

I slipped off the top of stairs this morning and landed on my bottom. Cried due to the shock and pain after it. My son was sitting right in front of me watching Tv while it happened. He didn’t come to me to check if I’m ok or ask me anything. After a while, I managed to get up and go to the kitchen. He then came over and asked for his breakfast. I felt so sad and disappointed about his reaction. Please tell me if AIBU to be angry with his reaction. He is 7.

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 20/01/2018 10:28

Hope you feel better soon and I absolutely understand why you would cry. Just do as has been suggested and have a chat with him about empathy and helping in such situations.

WeAllHaveWings · 20/01/2018 10:29

Agree with TV making them completely zone out. Maybe have a think if he watches to much, we founds ds got more zoned out the more he watched when he couldn’t get out as much in winter and he was around this age so tried to restrict a bit.

Original poster
atupri · 20/01/2018 10:29

Thank you for your replies and some nice support. I’m going to have a little conversation with him today.

He did notice my accident because he looked at me when I was landed. Haven’t realized it’s something you need to teach a kid at this age to care for others. I always look after him when he hurts himself and check if he’s ok. I thought he should learn naturally that way.

As for the cry, I’m quite emotional person so it’s not unusual for me to burst out. I don’t know how I can hold it back. It’s just my first reaction

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 20/01/2018 10:31

I have been teaching my ds empathy and to check if people are okay if they’re hurt.

But if my ds was watching tv, I doubt he would have properly registered a fall.... he gets so absorbed. He’s 8.

Believeitornot · 20/01/2018 10:32

Also he doesn’t always know what to do - hence me specifically telling to ask etc etc.

Evelynismyformerspyname · 20/01/2018 10:32

I assume he didn't notice because he was engrossed in the TV. Angry is an odd reaction on your part - if you are sure your son saw and heard what happened it'd be more natural to feel a little worried about his capacity for empathy!

More likely though he was just engrossed in the TV and didn't notice.

alotalotalot · 20/01/2018 10:32

Treat it as a learning point.
Hope you are ok now.

thikit · 20/01/2018 10:34

Similar happened to me, in fact my son stepped over me and went into his room and closed the door. He was 22.

I feel your pain OP, it's upsetting no matter how old they are.

10thingsIKnowAboutYou · 20/01/2018 10:34

I always look after him when he hurts himself and check if he’s ok. I thought he should learn naturally that way
He will OP, don't worry, he's still young.

DressAndGo · 20/01/2018 10:34

@WeAllHaveWings

That was similar to our experience. TV totally changes my children. They now watch it in the evening only and it has totally changed them for the better. TV just seems to dull so much. Morning TV (although easy) makes the rest of the day so much more pleasant.

Firesuit · 20/01/2018 10:34

I'm wondering if the people wondering why she cried lack reading comprehension. If shock and pain aren't reasons to cry, what is?

Evelynismyformerspyname · 20/01/2018 10:35

Sorry, post lagged and other replies have appeared since!

If you shriek and cry a lot could he be a bit hardened to it - if you cry will constantly nobody responds when there really is a wolf... Wink

ZanyMobster · 20/01/2018 10:36

Hmm, difficult one really, I would expect a child of 7 to show some concern for me if I had fallen down the stairs, I would be very upset if either of mine were more concerned about tea, even if I am sad or upset they would show concern.

DS2 is autistic and still would generally ask if I was ok although my dad had a weird seizure (nothing too dramatic) and DS2 was with him and he did nothing, he just carried on watching tv, didn't call my mum or anything. We spoke to him about it and explain what to do in future, it doesn't necessarily come naturally to him but he needs to learn how to react in those situations.

KC225 · 20/01/2018 10:36

I have twins and my DS is more empathetic than my DD. Always has been. I think some children just are, 7 is still quite young though.

Hope you are feeling better.

Trinity66 · 20/01/2018 10:37

Similar happened to me, in fact my son stepped over me and went into his room and closed the door. He was 22.

WTH?? That's awful, I'd be really upset about that

OP, I think all kids are different at that age some are naturally more empathetic and some need to be taught a bit more

Casmama · 20/01/2018 10:37

I think maybe frequent crying around your son may be part of the issue. I really don’t mean to be unkind but he may find it difficult to distinguish between crying that needs attention and crying that doesn’t.
I’m afraid I would find frequent crying in an adult a bit wearing and imagine a child might too.

BaronessBomburst · 20/01/2018 10:38

I don't think it's necessary to hold it back. It's just an emotional reaction to the shock. I would cry. DH would swear and shout.
Although that in itself is interesting as DS, also 7, would come straight away to comfort me and would cuddle me and bring tissues and a blanket, but would shut himself in the utility room if it had happened to DH. And no, DH isn't violent, but DS gets very upset by swearing and shouting.

PeacefulBlessing · 20/01/2018 10:39

It's not clear from your post whether you slipped at the top of the stairs and landed on your bottom and the top of the stairs, or whether you'd slipped and then slid down the stairs on your bottom.

If it had been a serious fall, you'd have been unconscious or have broken something.

He probably didn't realise that you'd even hurt yourself. At that age, if they don't see blood, they don't always realise.

And a parent crying can make them feel a bit 'scared' or uncertain about what to do so they react by doing nothing.

Do use it as a teaching/learning opportunity for developing a skill he hasn't yet had the opportunity to develop (afterall, he is 7 and still learning about life and interpersonal relationships and managing emotions) but don't be cross or worried.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 20/01/2018 10:40

I would be having a chat to him about empathy. It's not something you can engender in people but I would be curious as to how it made him feel and use it as a starting point for finding out a bit more about his feelings when someone is hurt. I fell down the stairs recently and banged my bum. I had actually cracked my coccyx, it was bloody painful. I couldn't cry as my 4 year old came running over to stroke my hair and I didn't want to scare him but I felt like crying! He also bought me his drink and my phone to call daddy. But I can't say he would still be like that at 7 - his empathy may well take a backwards step at that age!

gamerchick · 20/01/2018 10:40

Does he see you cry a lot though? If crying is usual it doesn’t really register with people after a while, you get used to it.

He’s still young, at that age mine would have laughed. Now at nearly 11 he would have a more appropriate response for the most part.

Evelynismyformerspyname · 20/01/2018 10:43

Mine are probably over empathetic and I can't think of an age at which they wouldn't have responded to someone falling down the stairs and crying. I think they would all have at 2 let alone 7...

But

One of my kids is also very prone to over reacting and emotional outbursts, and we all take her less seriously because she cries and shrieks a lot. Obviously if she actually fell down the stairs we'd be concerned and sympathetic, but she is a bit of a drama queen so no, she doesn't get outpourings of sympathy to the same degree she might if she didn't usually fuss.

My mother was also always shrieking and crying and having outbursts, especially in the kitchen. If you went to see what was wrong you'd get ranted at, so yes, we did learn to tune her out even as kids.

That's why I was struck by the op's reference to herself as an emotional person who often cries out. It's hard for a 7 year old to be patient with that and attuned to which adult cries merit real concern.

IrkThePurist · 20/01/2018 10:44

You have to specifically teach empathy to most kids by explaining how things feel to them is also how it feels to other people and animals.

PeacefulBlessing · 20/01/2018 10:45

As for the cry, I’m quite emotional person so it’s not unusual for me to burst out. I don’t know how I can hold it back. It’s just my first reaction

Yeah, I have to agree that if this is a reaction he is used to from you, then he is not necessarily going to realise when it is a 'true' cry response.

I always look after him when he hurts himself and check if he’s ok. I thought he should learn naturally that way.

You're his mum. He's 7. Biologically, you are programmed to take care of him in a way that he is absolutely not biologically programmed to take care of you. It's instinctive for you but not for him. He will learn. But he has only been on the planet for 7 years. For 1 of those, he didn't realise he was a separate being from you, for another 1 he couldn't speak coherently and, at 7, he still lacks both the vocabularly and emotional maturity to be able to tell you accurately how he feels. Let alone recognise and appropriately respond to emotional responses in other people.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 20/01/2018 10:46

I think because they fall over a lot at that age it doesn't seem like a big deal to them (whereas as an adult it is unusual and a bit of a physical shock to fall over). Likewise if he has seen you cry a lot he may not think much of it. Plus of course the TV factor...

Have a word with him but don't worry too much.

amusedbush · 20/01/2018 10:48

My dad fell out of the attic (the ladder collapsed) when I was about 16 and even though I heard a crash, I didn't even look out of my bedroom to see if anyone was hurt Blush

I promise I'm very caring now and have never walked by anyone on the street if they have fallen or look unwell/upset. Your DS will learn as he gets older.