AIBU about my son’s reaction to my accident?

[atupri]

I slipped off the top of stairs this morning and landed on my bottom. Cried due to the shock and pain after it. My son was sitting right in front of me watching Tv while it happened. He didn’t come to me to check if I’m ok or ask me anything. After a while, I managed to get up and go to the kitchen. He then came over and asked for his breakfast. I felt so sad and disappointed about his reaction. Please tell me if AIBU to be angry with his reaction. He is 7.

Sorry, it was a boy actually, not a girl. Bless him. His mum was unconscious and he dialled 999 all by himself.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/four-year-old-saves-mothers-life-with-999-call-a7644176.html

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/three-year-old-girl-calls-999-after-heavily-pregnant-mother-falls-down-stairs-a6784606.html

Here's another one. It's making me well up.

Normally I'd say yanbu and possibly it might be a good idea to have a little chat about empathy. But if you crying is something he's accustomed to then I think it's understandable he wasn't bothered.

And yy to what lyin said about taking steps to control it. Far more complex and unpleasant in my situation, but crying was a tactic my mother used. And from a very early age, long before I thought deeply about anything else, I saw the crying as so normal I stopped noticing.

Evelynismyformerspyname Sat 20-Jan-18 15:52:15
"I don't think many people are questioning crying when really hurt/ shocked (or grieving obviously).

Just wondering whether the OP is emotionally filterless and cries and shouts out on a daily basis, as she says:

"As for the cry I'm quite an emotional person so it's not unusual for me to burst out. I don't know how I can hold it back. It's just my first reaction"

That's why people are wondering whether he's effectively been desensitised, or is unable now to tell that this time his mum is not just having one of her usual outbursts.

It's also strange that she doesn't ask whether she's BU to be worried about her child not having age appropriate empathy, rather she asks if she's BU to be angry and disappointed.

Angry and disappointed are how you feel if your partner ignores you crying in pain. If it's your child you worry - shit, my child seems not to feel empathy! Should I be concerned something isn't right?"

This sums it up very well.

Sorry if I came across as unsympathetic about the actual fall, which sounds very painful and upsetting (and yes, hope you're ok, OP).

But as always when answering questions on AIBU you are having to provide a lot of context yourself, because you don't know the OP, you are having to guess what the unspoken question actually is: the response will have to be different if it is "can I have your sympathy about my fall, MNers?" or "is my child going to grow up a psychopath?" or simply "is it time to have a gentle but firm talk with my child?" I suspect the difference between the perception of the underlying question is what causes the diverging answers rather than some posters actually thinking that children should never show empathy or alternatively that any child who doesn't show empathy in any given situation must have something seriously wrong with them.

I agree that technology makes kids completely zone out. I came home after two nights away recently, got a massive cuddle when I walked in, but literally 30 seconds later 7yo ds was back playing Super Mario bros and had no awareness at all of what was going on around him.

So pleased posters opinion changed throughout. Even my 2 year old checks on me. I hate it when people comment all children- insert age are like that. Your children are. So just stick with that.

Maybe ds just takes it for granted you're always ok. Next time get him to come help you up!

Northernparent68 Your son is not responsible for your welfare, and crying because you fell over is a bit of an over reaction.. What a nasty, horrible post.

OP I hope you are feeling better now. I have a 13 year old and a 7 year old. I'm confident the 13 year old would have rushed over concerned and shown empathy, 7 year old, possibly a bit or possibly not. I think showing concern comes when they are a bit older than 7. It is quite possible they were concerned or worried about a you but didn't have the maturity to know what to do or say in the situation. Take care.

Ignore the twatty responses OP I actually think I’d feel the same as you about his lack of empathy. Hope you’re ok too and your arse isn’t too bruised!

I fell down the stairs from top to bottom once when I was pregnant. I sobbed. Shock, pain and fear for the baby even tho I didn’t knock my front. My then 3 year old poked her head round the door and asked what happened and when I told her she put her hands on her hips, told me to be more careful on the stairs next time and waggled her finger at me. Then gave me a cuddle wiped my tears away with the sleeve of her snotty cardigan

When he asked for his breakfast @atupri what did you say to him?

I'd have expected empathy at 7. Mine would have hugged, rubbed or patted at 2 if I hurt myself.

But I'm not a crier, nor prone to emotional outbursts, only when upset. So I think that might have some bearing on your situation especially if he didnt see you fall (and if you slipped at the top of the stairs and he was down stairs it's likely he didn't see).

Northern-
You have obviously never fallen straight down on your rear end. It's actually very painful.
What an immature comment...

Don't worry, you haven't bred a psychopath! He's too young to have the sympathy response.

Kids can be really selfish and self centred.

I recently had breast cancer and needed two surgeries to sort. After returning home from a follow up with an oncologist (where I was incidentally given the all clear) my kids (12 and 15) did not even bother to ask how I got on. They were fully aware of the situation as well.

Made me feel a bit crap and worthless.

Hopefully it’s it’s a phase and they all grow out of it.

@Northernparent68 they cried due to the shock of it, it wasn't a choice. They didn't exactly sit there whining for their mummy because of a paper cut!

You raised him love. Don’t you dare be upset that you don’t like his manners.

Aurea so pleased you got the all clear. I went through it myself two years ago, my emotions were all over the place and a couple of times my ds upset me with thoughtless comments / behavior.

Is a bit weird to not even say " Are you ok?" Did he actually see you fall? Did he read to you telling him you were in pain? If not I'd be a bit concerned.

react not read.

i did this once, my son still in bed he was around 15 at the time, shouted out can you keep the noice down. i am trying to sleep.

Why all this surprise at the crying? Banging your coccyx can hurt like buggery.

I teach 6/7 yr olds. They absolutely are capable of a sympathetic response.All but the very shy and reserved rushed to help me when I missed a wheeled chair !!!

Some of these replies are very worrying.

The worst I heard was from a friend whose sister had cancer. When my friend visited, her sister was at the kitchen table, unable to move (arm was swollen and useless, she had no hair, body packing up) and she was crying - her children and husband were completely ignoring her.

No, OP, it's normal for children not to have empathy. You're not BU because it feels hurtful, but it's ok and normal.

A lot of the responses on this thread are disturbing though. It's really not normal for adults to show this kind of unkindness and lack of empathy. Bit disgusted with a few of these comments. Shame on you.

Northernparent68, are you 7? Your empathy levels tell me you’re 7

I have read the beginning but I had an unplanned op a few months and my 7 old was greatly concerned. He certainly showed care, concern and empathy.

Er nope, it's a very strange reaction. What happened was serious, you could have been seriously hurt and I imagine you cried out and looked visibly upset? At 7 he really should have at least acknowledged the accident. My daughter was about 3 when she understood empathy, perhaps it's a male thing? I'd have been upset too OP.