AIBU about my son’s reaction to my accident?

[atupri]

I slipped off the top of stairs this morning and landed on my bottom. Cried due to the shock and pain after it. My son was sitting right in front of me watching Tv while it happened. He didn’t come to me to check if I’m ok or ask me anything. After a while, I managed to get up and go to the kitchen. He then came over and asked for his breakfast. I felt so sad and disappointed about his reaction. Please tell me if AIBU to be angry with his reaction. He is 7.

I was retrieving my 7 year old sons ball from a bush when I got stung by a load of wasps. I let out a screech and ran back to the house. He ran to the press and grabbed me some vinegar and kept asking me was I ok. My d's a year older would also check to see if I was ok if I hurt myself. Sometimes kids don't like to think of their parents as being fallible so they ignore their pain as it disturbs them. I would be a little hurt too if my child completely ignored me when it was obvious i was in pain. Talk to him about it and ask him why he didn't react and what he was feeling. He might have been scared or gotten a fright himself.

Falling over doesn't hurt as much if you have less weight - a seven year old falling as you did would hardly have felt it, so it may not have occurred to him that you were hurt. Crying should have given him a clue, but he might have just felt bewildered because he couldn't see anything that would have caused it. Then you got up and went to kitchen so obviously you were OK...

Your son is not responsible for your welfare, and crying because you fell over is a bit of an over reaction. Wow - just wow at this absolute bollocks. It's normal to cry when you fall and have a big shock like that OP. I'd be gutted too OP but I don't think it's unusual for a 7 year old to be short on empathy. Hope you're not too battered and bruised.

It would be weird if he knew what happened and didn’t care, but since he was watching tv I’m guessing he was just zoned out - so isn’t weird at all really

When I was 7 and my sister was 5, my mum fainted. She was coming round when she heard my sister say "Is she dead?" and me respond "I don't know. Shall we go and watch TV?"

To be fair, I',m not the most empathetic person now, but I'm definitely in the normal range.

He did notice my accident because he looked at me when I was landed.

Then I do think it's weird that any (presumably) NT 7 year old would ignore their Mum falling down the stairs and crying in pain.

YANBU at all OP.

Some really weird and cold reactions here! I am disturbed by the idea that some of you wouldn't expect a 7/8 years old to be empathetic about their mum hurting herself. That shocks me actually.
At that age ds would have got up and asked if I was alright and given me a hug.
I wonder if more empathy would be expected from female children?
And crying when hurt is fine! I do agree though that if kids see an adult cry often it scares and confuses them so maybe that's why OP? You shouldn't frighten kids with extreme emotions on a regular basis.

It may be that he is frightened and so shutting himself away- more likely to happen at 7 than at 3, I'd say. If it is fear, it will become easier for him to do the right thing if he is shown what he can do. Gentle training would be the way to go.

It may equally be that, as the OP herself admits she is quite emotional, he has learnt that his mum crying isn't usually a big deal.

My dh makes a loud fuss about the smallest things, like stubbing his toe, or a cold in the head, or dropping something that can't even break. After 35 years I have stopped reacting because the drama is simply too much, it affects my own wellbeing.

Otoh on the rare occasions I have seen ds in tears I have been scared shitless (and yes, on both occasions it was something very serious).

Of course, at my age, I would be able to tell from the noise that my dh had fallen downstairs and I would have the adult experience to know that in a man his age this could be serious. But at 7- that is not a given. As Tawdry says, he almost certainly falls a lot himself, and it usually isn't very serious.

I don't think you should necessarily be angry with his reaction. Some people are better than others at understanding what others are feeling. Some people find it hard to imagine what other people are feeling unless they've experienced the same thing themselves. It doesn't make them bad people - they would still do their best to help if they understood help was needed.

Some really weird and cold reactions here! I am disturbed by the idea that some of you wouldn't expect a 7/8 years old to be empathetic about their mum hurting herself. That shocks me actually.

Same here. I find it really strange.

I didn’t see the part where he noticed.

Very strange indeed!

My son is 13. 9ther day I was so sick. I was led outside bathroom 'dying. He just walked over me into his room 🤣

I did a very similar thing last week, although it was at the bottom of the stairs - missed my footing carrying baby stuff (am 39 wks) for the washing machine.

DD (also 7) had a friend over at the time, they both heard the crash, stopped what they were doing and came to see what had happened.

I was surprised at how worried she was tbh, and she came down and sat with me with her arms round my shoulders until I'd recovered enough to stand. I was in pain, and desperately trying not to cry because I didn't want her to see how scared I was too. It was a nice surprise because she's normally quite matter of fact about adults hurting themselves.

YANBU to be upset at him not reacting, if you wanted some fuss and have taught him to be sympathetic and caring for the people around him.

YABU to expect him to react that way if not.

Hope you're feeling ok and you're able to get comfortable My coccyx is still sore, over a week later - I'm dreading going into labour feeling like this!

Most 7 yos would feel empathy. I think you should talk to him really.

I think it's a little odd. I tripped over one of my DDs and went splat in a car park a month or so ago. I was fine, if a little shaken and embarrassed- but my DDs (similar age to your son) were practically hysterical with worry. It took me a good ten minutes to calm them down and reassure them that I was perfectly okay.

But - kids are different. He maybe just didn't process it, or realise how serious it might have been. Maybe worth a gentle chat?

I wonder if he did what a lot of kids do when they don't really know what to do and blank it because it's too overwhelming. Does he know what to do if something happens to you when no one else is there?

Yy to having to teach empathy and consideration and along with that practical 'what you should do' skills.

Once he could see you were okay then why would he need to worry? Sounds pretty normal for a 7 year old to me.

I think for most children it’s around this age empathy starts to kick in it’s a slow process

I cut my finger recently and it bleed quite a lot (it was painful) ds started crying then was interested in how much blood there was. A year ago I’m sure he would have only been interested in seeing the blood he is 10

My mum was caught up in an IRA bomb when I was young (working at Harrods) my grandparents who I was with were frantic with worry as we were watching it live on the news and friends/family were calling us asking about her. When she did manage to call some hours later all I wanted to know (and my cousin who was there) is had she seen any blood she still remembers I didn’t even ask her how she was. I think I was 9 and my cousin was 10

Really don’t worry I’m an empathetic person now as is my cousin

If you cry a lot in front of him then I can understand that not bothering him.

But he actually saw you fall down the stairs & didn't react?

I think that that's very unusual tbh.

I don't think it particular suggests a lack of empathy so much as from his perspective it didn't seem a cause for concern.

How have you taught him to respond to personal injury? And does he (like many children) slide down stairs for fun?

At that age playground falls are likely to be something he sees every day and the usual and encouraged response would be to get up and shake it off unless there was some indication that it was particularly serious.

A seven year old who is used to falling over playing football/tag ect likely doesn't consider falling something unusual noteworthy, whereas an adult has different expectations and therefore will react more strongly because the situation is out of the ordinary and therefore more likely to suggest a problem.

OP, hope you're feeling a bit better now.

I just wanted to pick up the point about your being an emotional person and crying being your outlet. If at all you can stop doing this in front of your child, it would be a good thing. Children see the adults in their lives - and particularly their parents - as superhero-like, untouchable by the world's problems and it can wrongfoot them when they realise - too young - that parents are just humans.

My mum used to cry at the drop of a hat when we were children, it was nothing to do with us and it wasn't anything that we could have fixed for her but I still remember that dread feeling in my stomach to see my mum crying and all the "It's alright, I'm fine" reassurance did nothing to reassure.

My younger brothers - also used to the tears - wouldn't react at all and I'm wondering if your easy crying is having the same desensitising effect on your son?

I don't know what support systems you have in place but if you can, it's infinitely better not to be crying in front of your children unless there is something that is understandable and explainable to them - and it's not the norm.

I wouldn't be picking this up with my son, unless I could pass it off with a "Silly thing aren't I? It was a shock, that's why I cried. I did feel daft but I'm fine now".

diddl, I thought it was just off one step rather than a whole flight? OP, if you feel down the stairs then perhaps you ought to get checked out if you are in pain?

Generally empathy does develop in the same way that language does in that you don't necessarily have to have speaking lessons with your baby, children just absorb the rules as they grow. Some children are more demonstrative in their displays of empathy while others may feel less confident how to express it.

Op, have you previously ever felt your ds struggles to express empathy?

I think it also depends on the type of child they are. I fell down the last 5 steps of the stairs ( horrible varnished slippery things) and landed at the bottom. OMG the pain that shoot up my coccyx- I screamed out and cried.

Ds8 and ds3, came running over ds8 grabbed the phone 'I'm going to call an ambulance', I was crying but reassured him it wasn't needed, so he called my dp instead (I think he needed the reassurance that it was ok not to phone 999), but it was ds3 that made me cry even more . He took hold of my hand, and he was patting my head, saying 'it's ok, little snowy is here, you will be ok mummy'.

My boys are very compassionate and empathic (ds13 came home one day from school a few months ago, and had a little cry, because his friends was being buillied- he said I know how I would feel if it was me, and that upsets me).

Some kids are a lot tougher and they don't over react, and are able to almost 'risk assess' as in, it's not serious that person will be fine. Whereas others (like mine) go into a 'it's serious' mood straight away until they know otherwise.

But neither is right or wrong. It's just how didn't kids are. Most kids will learn about empathy and compassion as they grow up, from their parents and those around them.

As it turned out, I'd actually fractured a bone in my coccyx- hence the pain! But OP I hope you are ok, it must have been a shock

I would have been hurt and a little shocked at your son's lack of concern as well Op, but if it makes you feel any better, I was about your son's age when I tripped at the top of the stairs and fell the whole way down on my back and head first and landed at the bottom still on my back. I lay there crying as I had really hurt my back and my mother came to see what all the noise was and started laughing & stood there laughing so hard she had to cross her legs to stop her wetting herself - now THAT was lack of empathy.

I'm sorry you hurt your self op x

I don't Think k your asking a lot fir some empathy from a 7 year old. Id have a word with him and tell him that it upset and hurt your feelings that he didn't ask if you where ok.