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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my son’s reaction to my accident?

216 replies

atupri · 20/01/2018 10:04

I slipped off the top of stairs this morning and landed on my bottom. Cried due to the shock and pain after it. My son was sitting right in front of me watching Tv while it happened. He didn’t come to me to check if I’m ok or ask me anything. After a while, I managed to get up and go to the kitchen. He then came over and asked for his breakfast. I felt so sad and disappointed about his reaction. Please tell me if AIBU to be angry with his reaction. He is 7.

OP posts:
QueenUnicorn · 20/01/2018 11:35

I cut my feet on carpet grippers when taking the carpet up, I shrieked and my 2 yo and 6 yo ran over, cleaned my cuts and put plasters on me while patting me, lol.
Having said that, I also wouldn't have been surprised if they ignored me for something more interesting at the time.

Sevendown · 20/01/2018 11:43

My dd is like this.

He has no empathy.

It upsets me but I suppose I’ve learned not to expect him to care if Im hurt.

RC1234 · 20/01/2018 11:48

Hopefully he will improve with age - range of responses on what level of care to expect. Maybe you need to coach him e.g. if another child falls over prompt him to show concern.

My two DDs are quite good. DD2 is a natural empath, Dd1 who is also 7 has had a bit of prompting to get there.

QueenFrosta · 20/01/2018 11:49

You can't expect a young child to automatically give you the same reaction an adult would, but it wouldn't hurt to mention it when you're talking at dinner time. Maybe it made him feel anxious to see you cry so he pretended not to see?

flumpybear · 20/01/2018 11:51

I fell down the stairs when I was about 17, literally too to bottom of really steep stairs, turned around mid air then hit my head on the front door st the bottom of
The stairs - as you, i cried too as was in shock - told my step dad and he laughed at me - he was a shit!

A 7 year old though is a different matter my 6 (almost) boy would laugh and say do it again but my 9 year old DD would be gutted for me and be all over me ....

Haffdonga · 20/01/2018 12:11

You have to model the necessary behaviour.

My 7 year laughed and made stupid fart jokes when DH tearfully told him his dad (DS's grandfather that he didn't know very well) had died. I was horrified at ds's lack of empathy and compassion and mortified for poor dh who was perhaps luckily too upset to notice. Stern words were had with ds when dh had gone and he was quite surprised and ashamed that he might have hurt dh.

Nevertheless ds has grown up to be a deeply caring, kind and gentle young man - the one that gets told everybody's problems.

Playdohnut · 20/01/2018 12:17

It may be he just didn't know what to do and so "do nothing" was the default. You don't know what was going on inside his head - my 7 yo for instance, would be freaking out internally and desperately hoping that if he pretended it wasn't happening it would sort itself out. A response motivated by panic/denial rather than lack of empathy.

Maybe gently ask him why he didn't ask if you were okay when you fell, and follow-up with an age-appropriate run-down of "if someone hurts themselves, this is what you do...". Start with: ask if they are okay! If they're not, ask them what's wrong, and if they need you to get help, etc. If they don't answer/can't talk, then get help, (how do you find an adult to come, when would you call an ambulance etc...)

0hCrepe · 20/01/2018 12:22

I went down the stairs on my arse on Thursday holding my baby and it bloody killed.
At 7 my ds would have reacted like yours I think. He’s much more aware now (13).
To add my arse still really hurts when sit on the sore bit. Can’t see my bruising or anything but it really hurts.

RightYesButNo · 20/01/2018 12:27

I still don’t see the answer to this: OP, did you fall at the top of steps ON your bottom, as you say, or TO the bottom of the steps? Big, big difference in terms of the possible injury and pain.

And yes, as someone who had a mother who was an “emotional person,” I really didn’t know how to respond to her crying after a while, as I was a child. I didn’t know when she was genuinely injured or something was wrong and when she was actually fine, and after a while, I sort of became numb to all of it. I am NOT saying this is the case with your son, but please do consider. You say it’s just your first reaction to be emotional and you can’t help it, but we all have control over how we act and are all capable of change.

Anyway, very sorry if you are injured and good luck!

LaContessaDiPlump · 20/01/2018 12:32

I always want to cry if I fall over - it's upsetting!! I generally manage not to though.

My 5yo would ask if I was ok; 6yo wouldn't look up from his iPad. All kids are different I guess.

Hope you're feeling better now op!

Atticusss · 20/01/2018 12:36

Wow, some of these replies. Falling down the stairs from top to bottom I'd be crying too! I quite often walk in pain when I've stubbed my toe or dropped something on my foot, it's not really a conscious reaction.

I'd be concerned as well OP. My brother who has Aspergers refused to help my mum after she fell from a ladder and broke her back as a child because he wanted to finish watching his cartoon. I'm not implying he's autistic of course, but to say it's normal for a 7 year old I disagree. Maybe he just needs a nudge and taught what to say. I'd assume kids just pick these things up to be honest.

bustedwomb · 20/01/2018 13:25

I would be hurt too OP. My DD7 is really very empathetic and always runs to me if I cry out or hurt myself. (Im clumsy AF) I would absolutely discuss how his reaction hurt your feelings. Hope your ok now x

Sheeeesh · 20/01/2018 13:31

Mine would have come rushing to see if I'm ok. Of course they would. Im amazed people think otherwise.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 20/01/2018 13:32

DD probably would have been similar. Children fall over a lot at that age and don't experience the fear and pain in the same way that adults do - we often jolly them along and out of it if they do.

I also know she found it quite scary when DH or I were ill or hurt badly, and tended to go into herself a bit until the drama had subsided. When I had an accident and broke my ankle, she was really reticent until I came home with bandages that she was quite interested in.

comedycentral · 20/01/2018 13:33

Sorry to hear about your fall OP. My son is 7 and pretty good in these type of situations. He has done first aid skills at school and Beavers though. I think it helps. Do they do it at his primary school? x

swingofthings · 20/01/2018 13:37

Mine is 15, and would probably have passed next to me saying 'excuse me' to get through!

I would then shout at him for his lack of compassion and he would look at me and say 'sorry, I didn't realise you'd hurt yourself, you're ok' and continue walking up.

He would however rush if that happened to one of his friends at school, ask him if he was ok, run to get a teacher, carry his bag, tell the teacher that he probably needed to go to A&E, text him to make sure he was ok and than arrange for some sort of collection to buy him something to make him feel better.

Ungrateful sons who take their mother for granted :)

YetAnotherSpartacus · 20/01/2018 14:02

I slipped off the top of stairs this morning and landed on my bottom. Cried due to the shock and pain after it

Are you sure you are OK? I have known someone to break their coccyx with a much lesser fall.

Also agree that it's time to have a chat with your little boy about empathy.

I saw my mother do something similar once but this was in public and involved blood. I was too shocked to be empathetic I think. I can actually remember the world going wooshy and blurry and sounds didn't make sense. I remember being utterly numb. I could only have been about 4 though I think?

WhooooAmI24601 · 20/01/2018 14:07

DS2 is 7 and I think would struggle with knowing how to respond to something like that; I recently cracked my head open and was bleeding a lot on the landing and called to DS1 (who is 12, so better at empathy/coping/not panicking) to phone the neighbour as I couldn't stand up). DS2 came and sat by me, said "I'll fetch you a towel", popped it on my head and then went back into his room to get dressed.

YANBU to talk to him about the fact that you were in pain, and the fact that it's ok when someone's hurt to ask them if they're ok or if you can help. But I think empathy is very much a learning process rather than something most children instinctively have, so use this as one of those learning days. Hope you're not in too much pain now.

oldbirdy · 20/01/2018 14:15

My boys would definitely struggle with seeing me have an accident. In their worlds, I take care of them. If they found themselves in a situation where their carer was suddenly vulnerable and needed care, they would be uncomfortable around that and not be at all sure what to do (or do nothing). One of them would give me a hug but the other two would probably pretend that it hadn't happened. Too much of a shock to their normal, I think.

coffeecoffeemorecoffee · 20/01/2018 15:08

I understand why you cried, I did this once and the pain was horrendous!! I wept like a baby! It left a permanent dent in my bum cheek Grin

NegansDollFace · 20/01/2018 15:32

It might not be the case of him not having empathy but rather him being used to you crying constantly. If you fuss and cry because you’re emotional he might not be able to differentiate between you being really hurt and you being emotional.

Talk to him about it. See what he thinks and try to teach him about empathy and when it’s used.

Jiggy17 · 20/01/2018 15:41

Northernparent - how delightful of you to tell the op she over reacted. Good to see you’ve got empathy for others. How do you know how sore it was?!?

Evelynismyformerspyname · 20/01/2018 15:52

I don't think many people are questioning crying when really hurt/ shocked (or grieving obviously).

Just wondering whether the OP is emotionally filterless and cries and shouts out on a daily basis, as she says:

"As for the cry I'm quite an emotional person so it's not unusual for me to burst out. I don't know how I can hold it back. It's just my first reaction"

That's why people are wondering whether he's effectively been desensitised, or is unable now to tell that this time his mum is not just having one of her usual outbursts.

It's also strange that she doesn't ask whether she's BU to be worried about her child not having age appropriate empathy, rather she asks if she's BU to be angry and disappointed.

Angry and disappointed are how you feel if your partner ignores you crying in pain. If it's your child you worry - shit, my child seems not to feel empathy! Should I be concerned something isn't right?

SusanBunch · 20/01/2018 16:09

Some really weird and cold reactions here! I am disturbed by the idea that some of you wouldn't expect a 7/8 years old to be empathetic about their mum hurting herself. That shocks me actually

Yeah, me too. Pretty disturbing actually. Thank god there are kids who actually do show empathy like the 4 yo who called 999 when her pregnant mum fell down the stairs and saved her life. Not saying that all kids are capable of that, but I would at least expect a reaction if their primary carer hurts themselves. Assuming he does not have SN, I would have a chat. I don't think this is normal and if you think it is, you may have issues with empathy too.

swingofthings · 20/01/2018 16:09

In their worlds, I take care of them. If they found themselves in a situation where their carer was suddenly vulnerable and needed care, they would be uncomfortable around that
Exactly this and why my teenager can show amazing empathy towards his friends, but so little for me. In his world, I care and look after him and somehow that makes me able to cope with absolutely everything. He doesn't want to see me vulnerable in any way. It's a subconscious thing.