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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to expect more CM from ex for ASD son?

238 replies

northernnelli · 18/01/2018 09:25

A bit of backstory – DS7 was diagnosed with ASD when he was a toddler. He went to a special school until Jan last year when he started in mainstream education with a 1-on-1 TA support. His progress has been great and he enjoys school. His father and I split up 2.5 yrs ago. I have since remarried. My ex was paying an amount we agreed via email at the time of separation. He now wants to go through CMS as he says he can't afford to keep paying what he does and his income varies year to year, which will leave me with only £720 a month, almost £300 less that what he currently pays and AGREED to with NO NOTICE. I receive mid-rate DLA for DS but this may be stopped.

The thing is, CMS don't take into consideration the additional needs of my child! Although his ASD doesn't cost MONEY that I can show him invoices for, it costs TIME because I don't think afterschool care is appropriate for DS (he did attend a mainstream summer daycare last year without a 1-on-1 but I personally think he is too tired at the end of the day for afterschool club to be considered) therefore I am limited in the hours I can work as I have to personally care for him myself at the end of the school day. All I can do at the moment is work from home which barely makes me anything. I was unable to work at all when he was young which means I gave up my career to care for him. My ex on the other hand has become quite successful.

AIBU to think he should be paying more than the CMS rate? I intend to take this all the way to court so I can get a court ordered CM instead of CMS rate. He's suggesting applying to the cMS every year because his income varies (+/- about £20k a yr), but his DS's needs don't vary so why should he miss out??

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 18/01/2018 09:39

Only £720 a month maintenance?! Wow my ex doesn't pay a penny for our kids. And one has asd not sure why he should pay more because of that?

ChickenPaws · 18/01/2018 09:41

I used to get £4 a week for my eldest.

northernnelli · 18/01/2018 09:41

Uhh... because I'm the one providing care??

OP posts:
TheHungryDonkey · 18/01/2018 09:42

I have two children with ASD and receive no money from the dad. I would be laughing if I had £720 a month on top of one child's DLA and £60 a week carers allowance. I wouldn't know what to do with it.

Travis1 · 18/01/2018 09:44

Ha ha ha ha reverse, right?

ThisLittleKitty · 18/01/2018 09:44

£720 maintenance isn't something to complain about. No point being greedy.

ThisLittleKitty · 18/01/2018 09:45

Hoping this is a reverse. It's actually the most child maintenance I've ever heard anyone get paid.

CheeseyToast · 18/01/2018 09:45

The thing with these arrangements is that on the whole, no one thinks they're fair - not the paying parent or the receiving parent.

You can lobby your ex for more but ultimately the figure is unlikely to please either party. I'm afraid that's the reality of separation.

RightOnTheEdge · 18/01/2018 09:49

Why do people always think that just because their dcs dad is shit everyone else should put up with the same?

How often does he see your ds?
Could he help more so you can work more?

northernnelli · 18/01/2018 09:50

Reverse? What does that mean? How can the courts not move to protect a child with special needs? How is that unreasonable??

OP posts:
northernnelli · 18/01/2018 09:50

He has EOW plus 1 wk summer and 1 wk xmas

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 18/01/2018 09:51

No he shouldn't pay more just because you think your son is "too tired" for after-school club. Therefore you can only work from home? Confused He is getting older, and you say he's progressing well in mainstream school. I'm struggling a bit, if I'm honest, to see what the problem is with after-school club. It may not be the ideal, but compromise somewhere is obviously necessary.

If your ex doesn't have the income, then he doesn't have it.

user1483387154 · 18/01/2018 09:51

720 is a lot

northernnelli · 18/01/2018 09:52

and he's REFUSED to pay childcare if I do use that option BTW

OP posts:
SillyMoomin · 18/01/2018 09:52

It’s your decision that he’s too tired for after scoool clubs though... that’s not the courts forcing you to have to pick him up at 3.15, that’s a choir you’ve made Confused

hollyindie · 18/01/2018 09:52

£720? A month? And you want more?

Youre being more than unreasonable youre being damn greedy!

My best friend gets £5 because her ex doesnt work!

I really think you need to look at how lucky you are that he has stepped up and paid so much for your DS and will still be paying for him!

Seriously there are so many single mothers alot worse off than you

Bettyswitch · 18/01/2018 09:52

You sound rather grabby op.
Whilst i understand what you are saying about additional needs beeng met financially, this is whAt your dla is for.
Maybe suggest that your ex has his child for a extra night or couple of days so you can improve your own income!

redexpat · 18/01/2018 09:52

I really wish these threads wouldnt become a race to the bottom. The ops earning potential is limited by her dcs needs, which are over and above that of an NT child. YANBU but I know nothing about the legal standpoint.

SillyMoomin · 18/01/2018 09:53
  • choice
northernnelli · 18/01/2018 09:53

I mean refused to pay his half ^^

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 18/01/2018 09:53

wtf would this be a reverse!?

Just because some dads are dreadful doesn't mean they should all follow suit.

Op says her ex has become successful due to not habing to give up time as she has. £720 probably represents a reasonable percentage of salary.

It's the sort of figure professional nrps should be looking at.

stickytoffeevodka · 18/01/2018 09:53

£720 is a lot of money. Presumably he also has to pay his own rent/mortgage and bills, which includes providing a bedroom for DS when he goes to stay?

How much is he earning a month? I think a lot of people would struggle paying that much in maintenance. And his contribution is supposed to be 50% of the costs so presumably you're matching that?

SillyMoomin · 18/01/2018 09:54

If you’ve remarried can’t your DH help with childcare / work around each other so you can both work?

iceallmighty · 18/01/2018 09:56

So you e remarried and presumably your dh works and pays his share of the bills and you work from home to cover your share?
And your ex dh pays a large amount of maintenance and your complaining still?

You haven't put your income nor your dhs nor your ex so it's going to be hard for people here to see the bigger picture op

x2boys · 18/01/2018 09:56

I have a severly autistic child that's what the DLA is supposed to pay for I'm afraid , My dh is on minimum wage we get tax credits , carers allowance , some housing benefit and ds2 DLA , CMS doesnt take disability into account that's just the way it is wether you agree or not .