AIBU to expect more CM from ex for ASD son?

[northernnelli]

A bit of backstory – DS7 was diagnosed with ASD when he was a toddler. He went to a special school until Jan last year when he started in mainstream education with a 1-on-1 TA support. His progress has been great and he enjoys school. His father and I split up 2.5 yrs ago. I have since remarried. My ex was paying an amount we agreed via email at the time of separation. He now wants to go through CMS as he says he can't afford to keep paying what he does and his income varies year to year, which will leave me with only £720 a month, almost £300 less that what he currently pays and AGREED to with NO NOTICE. I receive mid-rate DLA for DS but this may be stopped.

The thing is, CMS don't take into consideration the additional needs of my child! Although his ASD doesn't cost MONEY that I can show him invoices for, it costs TIME because I don't think afterschool care is appropriate for DS (he did attend a mainstream summer daycare last year without a 1-on-1 but I personally think he is too tired at the end of the day for afterschool club to be considered) therefore I am limited in the hours I can work as I have to personally care for him myself at the end of the school day. All I can do at the moment is work from home which barely makes me anything. I was unable to work at all when he was young which means I gave up my career to care for him. My ex on the other hand has become quite successful.

AIBU to think he should be paying more than the CMS rate? I intend to take this all the way to court so I can get a court ordered CM instead of CMS rate. He's suggesting applying to the cMS every year because his income varies (+/- about £20k a yr), but his DS's needs don't vary so why should he miss out??

I'm afraid that while you're neither working or caring for your DS between 9-3 it's difficult to feel that you've been hard done by here, OP. While I appreciate that it's hard to find a job to suit those hours, it is possible, and it's what many many people who have children with additional needs have to do. Or you have to cut your spending to meet your new income and that might well mean moving.

Quick calculations say your ex is probably getting approx £3.5k per month after tax (assuming pension contributions).

From this he pays his own rent probably 1k, pays you the best part of 1k and is left with 1.5k to cover his own bills, food, clothes and stuff for when he has ds. I'd reckon bills are £800ish so he's not exactly left rolling in it.

Can we go back to the part where the OP says her ex has her son EOW? If he has him half the time, how is it fair that he pays so much?

and then if we're CMS and ex has a bad year, what's going to stop him from suddenly dropping to say, £400?? We'd be in serious trouble

But that would be in proportion to his salary, if his salary drops considerable he cant just give it all to you!

And whilst I get it shouldnt be about because some Dads are crap and dont pay enough (as posters here have stated their circumstances) it must be frustrating seeing someone who currently gets over £1000 a month cm complaining because it going to be reduced to "only" £720.

I get £750 a month for my 4 children, 2 of whom have asd.

I don't think you should get more because your child has additional needs.
That's what DLA is for... to cover the extra costs incurred

Can we go back to the part where the OP says her ex has her son EOW? If he has him half the time, how is it fair that he pays so much?

Every other weekend, not every other week.

It doesn't have to be a race to the bottom, but this is a grabby piss take. There are thousands of families who do not have two other incomes to rely on and have to get on with it. Anyone who thinks an additional £720 a month is worth going to court for needs to re-assess spending and priorities.

Can we go back to the part where the OP says her ex has her son EOW?

I believe the OP means every other weekend; a fairly standard contact arrangement rather than every other week.

I get mid rate dla and it's £300 a month not £200.

I’ve not read the whole thread but are you actually serious? I have two children with special needs, I can’t work AT ALL due to their needs and EX pays the minimum CSA he can, (when he bothers to pay it that is) I’m afraid you will have to suck it up and live within your actual means, if you feel your DS needs you at home after school then that of course is your prerogative but it does mean you will have to adjust your lifestyle. If you have debts then speak to the companies and reduce payments etc. Sit down and budget appropriately every month WITHOUT the Csa money and when you get it it’s a bonus because that’s what I do because I can’t rely on it and tbh it’s not up to your ex to pay for you to not work extra hours etc. Also if DLA will be stopped then you should be putting your time into trying to make sure that doesn’t happen and gathering evidence to show he does deserve the DLA payment and get ready to get a mandatory reconsideration and appeal done etc not asking your ex to pay even more than he already does, prob get shot down for this but get a grip man!!!

Its a race to the bottom woth my baby daddy is shit so no one deserves better.

However

£720 isn't just for childcare though is it??There's rent* - you are only responsible for half the rent though surely? Or is DH expecting 2/3rds? Say its 1200 a month, you pay 800 for you and son so sons is 400 so ex's share is ""200"" - 1/6th assuming DH takes no financial responsibility for your child
council tax - charged per adult so not ex's responsibility
utility bills couple of hundred a month tops so ""40"" absolute tops?
food bills 120 a month just for son would be ""60"" off Ex
internet unless only son uses it then son using it doesnt cost extra
clothes budget of 60 a month, so ""30"" a month each
uniform 480 a year wpukd average to ""20"" a month each
not to mention all the other costs of days out, presents. don't buy presents for DS off Ex. He isnt responsible for paying for your presents to ds. Even if you did £50 worth of trips every month thats ""25"" off DH just to cover sons costs

That's under 400 per month. He is currently paying double so is technically covering some of your bills too.

Plus DLA and CB and Carers
plus if your DH earns so little, working and family tax credits plus the disability element.

OH can only have him EOW plus a weekend day once a month so I pay a huge majority of the costs
And at 1k a month Ex is putting that money in your pocket.

Either you are living outside your means, or DH is pulling something.

You won't get it enforced by the courts as they will say that he only has to pay what the CMS say he should.

I don't see why your DS shouldn't continue getting his DLA.

Yes to clarify it's every other weekend fri-sun and a weekend day once a month. 1 week summer and 1 week xmas, not exactly a huge amount of time contributed. As someone said above, DLA is never enough to cover the real costs of a disabled child, I suggest you don't make these sorts of judgements if you don't even know what it's like. I'm constantly exhausted from the stress.

What are your extra costs for your DS having ASD?

Get a job.Have zero sympathy for posts like yours.
Lots of people have children with additional needs and still work.
I could understand if he was very disabled but he's not.

Right
A court is not going to award you a cms order. If he applies to the cms himself he will be assessed, its worth bearing in mind his maintenance is likely to cease whilst this happens and he will be given six months to pay it spread out.....

He will get a deduction due to having him EOW. He has him the equivalent of a day a week and that will be reflected.
I have three sons- two with aspergers. Why is his DLA being stopped? If you are worried about the change to PIP then that's a way off. Managing in mainstream does not mean it will stop. I have one in each- special ed and mainstream. Same amount of DLA.

Rather than threatening court you would be better coming to some sort of compromise. From vast experience I am telling you this is NOT going to end up going in your favour. I understand but you are remarried and that means sharing responsibilities. Your son is not a separate entity.

Its not fair but you need to cut your cloth accordingly. You get a huge sum compared to most including me and you need to think about what's going to happen when I stops. Trust me its not enforceable. Your working from home etc..... I teach and juggle them like a headless chicken. Not a race to the bottom... stark reality.

Someone up thread said she gets £750 a month for 4 dc 2 whom also have ASD so the last comment was abit below the belt op. Your being greedy you also have a financial duty to your dc it doesn’t fall to your ex because he’s the high earned.

What costs I am curious?

I will get this enforced by the court because I think that's ridiculous.

As a lot of people have explained - it may be morally "ridiculous", you may feel entitled to your DS's father paying half of the childcare costs that would allow you to work, but there's no way you're going to win this fight.

He's offering to pay CMS rates, and review every year. If you go to court to get more, you'll look unreasonable u

If he has a bad year, and has to drop payments to £400, then you will have to cut your cloth accordingly at that point.

You imply can't rely on CM to replace income. It doesn't work like that. Yes, your DS's father needs to pay to feed, clothe and house his son, but that will be at CMS levels if he's saying he genuinely can't afford it.

If I were you, I would be conciliatory rather than combative, and try to have a discussion about what he can afford that is a bit above the CMS payments, but not so much as he has been paying so far.

It is shit to negotiate these things. It may feel really unfair. But if he can no longer pay nearly £10K of after-tax income then you need to come to a fair agreement.

Pandas your DC's needs/costs are substantially more than the OP's one child though.

My two eldest DCSs are on the spectrum and went to special schools throughout their education. My DH on paper earns almost twice that of his ex but by the time he pays higher rate tax and she received child maintenance, tax credits, higher rate DLA etc she had substantially more income each month than we did even though we had the kids every week Thu eve - Sun so obviously had the same housing costs as ex did (costs for uniforms, trips etc were split 50/50). Just to be clear I don't begrudge this in any way, just illustrating a point.

OP your DS is now in a mainstream school with support (same as my youngest DSC so I understand this) - most kids are tired after afterschool club but it's a fact of life for those using that service. If you want the "luxury" of deciding your DS shouldn't use the club then that decision is yours to fund.

@northernnelli can you explain where/how the money is spent?

OP can you answer the question about why you're renting such an expensive property, to be where you can work, when you don't work?

You get a huge amount of money and I think you've had a short sharp shock about how cushy you've had it to date.

You're living beyond your means and that's not your ex's fault. If you have an issue with the amount of time he has with his son then that's different - negotiate half terms with him for example. However you're mad to think you're entitled to any more - the reality is you're entitled to MUCH less.

redexpat.I really wish these threads wouldnt become a race to the bottom.

I entirely agree with this statement.

This thread is a massive piss take surely?

I have a family member similar to you op.
She's a victim. Her massive overdraft isn't down to her lack of financial organisation,it's down to other people not paying enough for her to live.
She has five days a week free and one night during the week free. She also has every other weekend from a Friday am til a Monday after school free.
She hasn't had a job for twenty odd years as it's too stressful
She has a full time working partner,dla top rate,carers allowance,tax credits,a brand new car all taxed and insured for three years at a time and subsidised rent.
She also has a bad cigarette habit,likes to treat herself to anything and everything all the time to make up for being a victim of her own child
It's an awful attitude to have op.
Minimise your outgoings to live accordingly between your wage and dhs wage and the extras you get and maximise what you could earn yourself and then your not reliant on exdh to pay your rent.
What does your new dh think about it all?