AIBU to expect more CM from ex for ASD son?

[northernnelli]

A bit of backstory – DS7 was diagnosed with ASD when he was a toddler. He went to a special school until Jan last year when he started in mainstream education with a 1-on-1 TA support. His progress has been great and he enjoys school. His father and I split up 2.5 yrs ago. I have since remarried. My ex was paying an amount we agreed via email at the time of separation. He now wants to go through CMS as he says he can't afford to keep paying what he does and his income varies year to year, which will leave me with only £720 a month, almost £300 less that what he currently pays and AGREED to with NO NOTICE. I receive mid-rate DLA for DS but this may be stopped.

The thing is, CMS don't take into consideration the additional needs of my child! Although his ASD doesn't cost MONEY that I can show him invoices for, it costs TIME because I don't think afterschool care is appropriate for DS (he did attend a mainstream summer daycare last year without a 1-on-1 but I personally think he is too tired at the end of the day for afterschool club to be considered) therefore I am limited in the hours I can work as I have to personally care for him myself at the end of the school day. All I can do at the moment is work from home which barely makes me anything. I was unable to work at all when he was young which means I gave up my career to care for him. My ex on the other hand has become quite successful.

AIBU to think he should be paying more than the CMS rate? I intend to take this all the way to court so I can get a court ordered CM instead of CMS rate. He's suggesting applying to the cMS every year because his income varies (+/- about £20k a yr), but his DS's needs don't vary so why should he miss out??

glitter What planet are you on that you think the OP finding work EOW that pays enough to cover anything substantial is a realistic expectation? Your circumstances are not the Ops circumstances. Finding the right people to work with SEN is incredibly challenging. These people are experienced so are always much more expensive. The OPs ExH should be paying as much as he can while the OP builds up their earnings or providing childcare himself afterschool.

itsallabitstrange The cost of my D.C.'s autism is costing us as a family about £50k a year. Just because you don't spend that level doesn't mean you are doing it right or wrong. Every single SEN is different and has different needs that cost different amounts. If the ExH is making £150k a year I think he should be putting every single penny available towards his DS and his care.

This is exactly what I'm saying. And then if we're CMS and ex has a bad year, what's going to stop him from suddenly dropping to say, £400?? We'd be in serious trouble.

Like every other family! Special needs aside.... this is life. This is how it works. If he earns less, you have to accept less.

You are quite clearly trying to screw your ex for every penny you can possibly get.
Greedy, grabby and definitely not painting you in the best light.
Get a job and pay your own rent and childcare (specialist or not) like everyone else in the country has to do.
And I say this as a mother of a son with asd. I work full time. It can be done.

So much confused me reading this. You are remarried? Sorry for stating the obvious but your dh took you both on and shouldn't household costs be occurred by the family in the home?!!! Your logic is batshit.
Dla isn't just taken away it is award for a period of time then renewed. With over 6 months notice. Mrc with lrm is 310 every four weeks and carers 62 a week. Child tax credits with a disability premium added is approx 100 a week plus cb. Then whatever you earn plus your husband's salary.
Dla is provided to cover the main costs of care for a child with needs different or above another child their age. I think you are delusional and entitled. It's like you want to be paid for raising your asd child and you should somehow be compensated. And I say this as a parent of an asd adhd Tourettes child.

Your ExH contributions are towards your son's costs. And perhaps some towards the bills he would use.
But to list things such as ct? That's insane.

Reality check for AIBU ?!!!!!

Im sorry yabu.. thats what carers allowance is for if im reading this right you want half his wages? I think you're being Grabby imo.

Sorry no i read wrong but youre still being Grabby its like you think your ex has to pay for your entire existence.. why does he need to pay for the internet??

I do sympathise asI have two children with v severe asd. In an ideal world I wouldnt work but bills have to be paid so I have used an after school club a childminder and have also paid carers to help with before and after school. Maybe you need to get your ex to commit to his share of the after school sessions or if he wont include the cost of these in your maintenance discussions.

You're getting a hard time here OP, likely because you are getting a good amount of CM from your child's father. So many people get little or nothing but that's not your fault.

Like you I have a child with ASD and yes childcare can be expensive for our children as they can still require 1-1 support.

I had to use DLA for this while I was working.

I think your biggest issue is actually the rent you are paying ....the likelihood is you could cope on less if your rent was not so high. I am guessing you are in the south of the country with that rent. I also get that just upping sticks and moving isn't a simple thing when you have a child with ASD.

It's for this reason I was offered social housing locally to where I was and I know I am hugely lucky. My rent here is nearly half what it would be in the private sector. Ideally you need cheaper housing because it sounds like there is no give in your budget due to housing costs.

So everyone else is supposed to pay bar you? Your ex is only responsible for child support at the rate set by the CSA.

The rent and bills on your home and down to you and your husband to fund not your ex.

If you match his contribution then it's more than enough to cover the costs of a chid and then some.

I was wondering why the ex had to pay for internet aswell lol! How much time do you allow a 7 year old on the internet? Bet you are your new husband use it 99% of the time. Yet want ex to pay for it. Do you have sky aswell by any chance should he pay for that too?

Im interested to know why she might be losing dla for her son? Asd doesn't disappear over night. Reading this thread and further comments by OP has really wound me up its people like that who give the women a bad name like using a child to squeeze every penny they can. Lives in a house that costs a fortune to rent out of choice and expects someone else to pay wants the internet.. wants someone else to pay. Its ridiculous.

OP isn't coming back...

m interested to know why she might be losing dla for her son? Asd doesn't disappear over night. Reading this thread and further comments by OP has really wound me up its people like that who give the women a bad name like using a child to squeeze every penny they can. Lives in a house that costs a fortune to rent out of choice and expects someone else to pay wants the internet.. wants someone else to pay. Its ridiculous.

Losing DLA is the only legitimate worry in the OP tbh. It's not always an easy or straightforward thing to renew it. A lot of the time it depends on how good you are at form filling, or if you have a supportive HT/senco to give back up reports.

I've just claimed DLA again for my DS.

The form is 40 pages long and very detailed. It's a nightmare to complete.

Then you have to sit, wait and hope that whoever reads the form can see the issues you've tried to explain. DS was awarded lower rate mobility and middle rate care. He was diagnosed with ASD at 7 and is now 15.....it's the 4th form I have done in 8 years. So despite the fact his ASD won't go away he will have to go through regular assessments throughout his life and hope that whoever assesses him has an appreciation of the challenges which autism gives him.

So can vouch for the fact that OP has a real worry there.

I find it does cost more having a child with special needs. My boy has ASD, after school club will only have him if I pay for a 1:1 career to accompany him. He has to be supervised closely at all times during school hours too and has a 1:1. He has middle rate DLA so I use that to help pay for this.

I would love to get £720 a month in maintenance though. My son's dad doesn't earn much so I get a fraction of that for my boy. I have to pay a hefty mortgage and bills myself. Seems to be the reality for many separated parents with care.

My dds dla on the letter did say it was awarded for 2 years so I'm guessing I will have to reapply then so yes probably what the op means.

You get more than twice as much as I get for four children, one of whom has asd and can't go to after school club. I wouldn't ask for more, what I get is fair. YABU and greedy.

We lost DLA and had to fight for it back. That is a legitimate worry.

OP I think you really need to think about what's going to happen when your son is too old to be eligible for child maintenance, because by the sounds of things at that point you are in serious trouble. You are quite right that child maintenance shouldn't just all go on child care and expecting some provision towards food, uniforms, and (to an extent) rent (but only to such an extent that you need one more bedroom for your son than you would if you and your new husband were on your own...not your entire rent!) but it does sound like you want your ex to pay for pretty much everything! Sorry to be harsh, but you broke up, and you are now remarried. The majority of your household costs therefore, including utility bills etc, need to be within the affordability of you and your new husband without the child maintenance. Harsh as it may sound, the purpose of child maintenance is NOT to compensate you for lack of a career of your own due to your lifestyle choices re what is/isn't appropriate childcare for your son (and for the record I fully accept that your childcare options are going to be more limited, and expensive, than if you had a NT child).

Conclusion - whilst I do have some sympathy for your situation overall I think you are being unreasonable and you need to future proof your finances a bit more because you simply cannot afford to keep living the way you are now.

This post has really wound me up. I don't comment on anything. I'm more of a lurker. OP you need to let your ex go. Why do you still want him to support you? You are married now. Your husband is now your other half. He is the one supporting your household. If you cant afford rent and bills because your ex isn't supporting your lifestyle move house, reduce luxuries because you have no idea of the real world. DLA covers extras your son needs. BTW i have two ASN son's and I get nothing from their dad......

I’m totally with you OP. Having an ASD child myself, and a NT one, the difference financially and emotionally is HUGE. I cannot get normal childcare, I am up often in the night, extra therapies that do not come on the NHS but are vital, special extra food (issues), sensory and OT equipment, special clothing....

But most of all, the total inability of me to take work - impacts severely - I do some from home but my child is only mornings at special school.

It costs SO much more for most children with disabilities- why the hell should you be dumped with that burden and Ex slink behind the CSM - what an asshole.

You fight for your kid! Every penny counts. I’m appalled that other posters are suggesting you as the main carer should put up and shut up. Maybe your Ex should be the main carer if that’s how he wants to play it - or make him have more childcare so you can work more. Good luck.

My god!

I cannot believe how money grabbing some people are!!

He does not owe you anything extra. who cares if he has become successful, you have no right to that. He has worked hard for it.

If you would like more money then go and fliiping earn it. many other mothers (including myself) manage to do it!

She gets over a grand a month cm and is stropping because ex wants to drop it £300 because his income varies

She can’t work full time! She is doing the main caring for a child who needs so much more, you think DLA covers that? What a joke. She is missing out on a part time wage as a direct result of her caring responsibilities - to a child who has two parents who are supposed to be taking equal responsibility- one more financial- one more caring. A part time wage plus rent, food and specialist considerations for a child is easily over 1000.

What a lot of horrible posters. You are supporting a mysogynistic and irresponsible male agenda above the needs of his disabled child.

Sorry to add to the chorus, but YABU. I have 1 DS with ASD and my ex pats nothing, he left the country a few years ago. Before that I was lucky if I saw £100 a month.

I'm disabled myself and I have to work FT to make ends meet. I get topped up by CB, CTC (no WTC as I earn too much), HB and DLA for DS (£310 a month).

If I had a new DH who was earning any kind of salary I'd feel positively minted. As it is, I budget carefully so we can live comfortably.

Time to do one of 5 things:

1. Try childcare out. He may adapt ok.
2. Get a job during school hours - try employment agencies as they often have PT stuff.
3. DH tries to get a better job. Bit unfair on him, but needs must.
4. Budget!
5. Move somewhere with lower rent.

Your ex's money is for his son. You are remarried, he should not be supporting you, and he should definitely not be supporting your new DH.