AIBU to expect more CM from ex for ASD son?

[northernnelli]

A bit of backstory – DS7 was diagnosed with ASD when he was a toddler. He went to a special school until Jan last year when he started in mainstream education with a 1-on-1 TA support. His progress has been great and he enjoys school. His father and I split up 2.5 yrs ago. I have since remarried. My ex was paying an amount we agreed via email at the time of separation. He now wants to go through CMS as he says he can't afford to keep paying what he does and his income varies year to year, which will leave me with only £720 a month, almost £300 less that what he currently pays and AGREED to with NO NOTICE. I receive mid-rate DLA for DS but this may be stopped.

The thing is, CMS don't take into consideration the additional needs of my child! Although his ASD doesn't cost MONEY that I can show him invoices for, it costs TIME because I don't think afterschool care is appropriate for DS (he did attend a mainstream summer daycare last year without a 1-on-1 but I personally think he is too tired at the end of the day for afterschool club to be considered) therefore I am limited in the hours I can work as I have to personally care for him myself at the end of the school day. All I can do at the moment is work from home which barely makes me anything. I was unable to work at all when he was young which means I gave up my career to care for him. My ex on the other hand has become quite successful.

AIBU to think he should be paying more than the CMS rate? I intend to take this all the way to court so I can get a court ordered CM instead of CMS rate. He's suggesting applying to the cMS every year because his income varies (+/- about £20k a yr), but his DS's needs don't vary so why should he miss out??

Is the problem that you rather enjoy having 9-3 off at the expense of your ex?
The law suggests that he's been overpaying for 5 years.
He's now goIng to be paying a fair share.
As others have pointed out, your dla covers the extra care.
I think you need to fix this problem by working more (either around your dh or during school day), rather than expecting your ex to fund you.

You’re not really telling the whole financial truth either

If your ds gets mid rate care as a minimum that’s £200 every four weeks but also a carers allowance of about £65 a week and the ability to earn up to £110 per week and still claim carers allowance

So £450 every 4 weeks plus ability to still earn £450 and then your maintenance £720 and your new husband wage too

So that’s potentially £1620 and your new husbands wage!

Since your new husband should cover his and your outgoing, your ex is surely covering 25% of your household costs with his maintenance payment of £720?

I know it’s hard with dc who have autism, mine is so bad they attend school from home so I am here to care for them 24/7 and my poor dh has to work for all our family, life isn’t fair sadly

But you'd need to pay rent, bills and council tax regardless - so that shouldn't really be included in your calculations. That's what all adults have to pay for.

CMS is based on the additional cost of children - so food, clothes, childcare, medicine, activities - and maybe a token amount towards the extra heating or costs of keeping an extra room.

But your ex has those costs too. He is also paying rent on a place big enough for him and his child, council tax and bills.

Your ex is not responsible for your council tax and electric bill! You have two adults in the household - that's your responsibility!

He was paying over a thousand pound and wants to reduce it to 750 pounds. Bloody hell thats a decent amount I get £140. I think your being unrealistic in your expections sorry.

Your getting loads of money. Its not your exs responsibility to pay so you can work from home. He already covers childcare in his CM. I would think a court would reduce his payments to a reasonable level.

Child maintenance is a tricky subject.
I think you're relying on your ex to sustain your lifestyle, rather than realising it's his child he's paying toward.
I can also see why he's going the cms route because I'm guessing you'll want it raised as and when you feel you need it.

I'd accept the "lower" payment (gratefully!) And not push it. You know he pays enough.

Yabu to expect more money. CM is a percentage of income for everybody because it would get too complicated if everyone was bringing up their circumstances to get more. Your CM will vary annually because of your ex's income but at least it's not the crappy sums like £7 which are mentioned on here. If you go to court, you'll be wasting money which could have been used on your son.

DLA should make up the difference fir him having autism and you need to accept that you were lucky to get extra in the first place .

Have I just stepped back into the 1050's - the OP should be grateful that her ex contributes to the upkeep of their son? Are the posters who say she should be grateful seriously want the bar to be so low?

No-one should be grateful for maintenance - all parents should be responsible for the upkeep of their DC, grateful does not come into it.

Saying that I think OP you are being unreasonable not to get a job, even part time - at some point you are going to have to access extra care for your son, and you do have financial responsibility for him as well.

Your CM is child maintenance not. Using presents and days out??

If you want to take your son on a day out that's your choice not for your ex to pay

Also presents??? So your ex pays for your presents to your son and his own presents or does he give you money to buy them all???

You can't expect your ex to pay extra money to buy your gifts to your son and then expect him to buy more too??

You're a very greedy person and not at all willing to look at your own life!

If this was genuinely about your son you'd be asking your ex not for more money but more time with your son so you could work more and earn more and then your ex could pay for days out when he has him

Could you try and find part time work three days a week for example so DS only has to go to childcare on those days?

As harsh as it sounds if you are working to a contact schedule, you cannot ask your ex-H for more money to cover childcare that is your choice.

Is there any chance of increasing your earning potential from home? I work from home and my hourly rate is sufficient that I don't need to work full time and so can do the school run, childcare etc.

Well our rent alone is £1500 month and that's providing a bedroom for DS, us, and an area where I can work. Pretty average for my area and don't think moving house is at all appropriate.

I think the op isn’t getting a really hard time here. I am in a similar position - separated from stbx, but financials not yetbworked out. We have 3 dc, all with ASD.

There is no suitable afterschool car for dd1; she has severe ASD and learning difficulties. SJe attends an out of county school that’s that i have to takenher to as she cope with transport. This massively impacts on my ability work as i am free Romney’s 10.30-2.30 only, and not available at all in school holidays. Stbx has had no knock on effects at all. High flying career, works all hours, maintains his social life. I cannot even manage to attend important school functions like parents evening due to lack of care for dd1.

I think a lot of posters saying ‘just use after school care’ or ‘you want to have your cake and eat it’ type posts are completely unaware of how much caring for a disabled child can impact on your life.

Darcyhu why post something so nasty, yet again another poster with such low expectations.

Another vote in favour of your ex I'm afraid. I can see why it feels unfair to have a drop in income but realistically he has been overpaying and you can't expect that to continue.

But you say your DS managed summer day care last year. He's in mainstream, he's enjoying school. He is needing less support than he did to the point where he may have his DLA stopped. Why can't he do after school club? I have ASD and I did a lot of after school activities, some of which became very keen interests - some faded, but some I still enjoy. Give it a go - he might really get on with it.

Otherwise, try CAB to find out if you'd be entitled to any help with rent or bills, or look at increasing your hours or reducing your outgoings. There is no point going to court with this - it will be costly and won't work.

@Ellendegeneres do you know you claim dla for your ds while he is being assessed. You don't need to wait for a diagnosis.

You work from home, how does that dictate where you have to live? £1500 a month in rent is crazy. And you don't get prizes for providing a bedroom for DS as I'm sure your ex does the same in his home.

Northern it sounds like you need to up your work hours to support your family.

You may not think moving is the best idea, but you have to keep a roof over your sons head. You are currently living beyond your means and if your ex does go to the CSA you will have to find a way round it.

Oh you’re going to get a kicking OP. Cm isn’t to cover your rent etc because your ex is also covering rent etc in a home he can have your ds in. I think he’s being pretty reasonable. Basically if you go through court it’ll cost you and you may well end up with less.

I get that you feel resentful that you see him as earning £80k and you as getting a lot less but he doesn’t take that home after tax and doesn’t have the cb and tax credits and dla you have. Out of a monthly wage £720 let alone £1000+ will be a huge percentage and you might be surprised after bills how similar your spending money is.

You also have a new dh who is part of your ds life. He knew you had a kid with asd when you married so yes he will need to step up too.

I don’t think people should be throwing insults about but I think you’re being unrealistic.

YANBU. I don't understand most of the replies, it's not a race to the bottom and CM is not something to be grateful for it's something that should be expected. It's hardly a novel idea that Fathers should pay for the children they helped create and yes if the child has extra needs I would expect the father to understand and either pay more, help with childcare or look after his own child more often.

Well our rent alone is £1500 month and that's providing a bedroom for DS, us, and an area where I can work. Pretty average for my area and don't think moving house is at all appropriate

You are receiving way more maintenance than your ex legally has to pay. He is well within his rights to go through the CMS, and nothing you have said on this thread will make a blind bit of difference to the judgement thereon.

You might not think moving house is appropriate but that's what people DO when they are spending more than they are earning.

You're in effect asking your ex to fund your lifestyle even though you're married again.

I'm very much on the side of the RP in this situations usually; hell I am one. But I absolutely wouldn't expect my ex to fund my lifestyle decisions.

Sorry- if you work from home, and limited at that, why are you then not able to move, if that would make things easier- you say you need to stay in the area for work, and yet can’t currently work? Also you said that you ex won’t pay for after school care, and yet you won’t put your son in after school care. I understand that losing £300 you are used to would be a shock, but the government is already providing extra financial assistance to help cover the costs of things related to your holds diagnosis. I think you need to have a look at where you’re currently spending money, and work it a budget that will cover you with the lesser amount. Your ex states he is having difficulty maintaining the generous allowance, and you do have a second income in the home- you’ve been separated from your husband 2.5 years, so I’m assuming relatively recently married? So you have an income to support the household, CM, and government funding for your son. Whilst I get the vent, I think you need to accept that you’re coming across as quite grabby. Sometimes you need to tighten your finances and his would seem to be one of those times.

You do realise the money you get off your ex for cm is to cover half the costs of raising your dc not all them. You as a parent also have a financial obligation to pay towards your child including birthdays and presents.

YABU OP. I get £27 a week in CM from XH and have to work full time and pay for every single thing, plus he sees her every few weeks when he feels like it so he hardly pays for anything else and certainly won't cover childcare or uniform. DC is being assessed by Cahms for various issues.

Your XH is a high earner, and as such will pay a high amount through CSA.

If you need a place that costs £1500 a month to include space for you to work, then your business should be covering part of those costs. If it isn't then you need to move to a cheaper place.

I understand your frustration, but you are already getting paid a massive amount of CM, plus you have remarried so have 2 incomes coming in. You can take it to court, but I doubt you will get any more than you are entitled to.

And can everyone stop going on about how DLA covers any extra costs, please?

£200 every four weeks does not even touch the sides of the extras I would need in place for dd1 if I tried to go out to work. It doesn’t even come close to covering the basic extras, from things broken, clothes ripped/ruined, extra aids due to her disability, let alone have enough left over to try to meet costs for adequate child care.