AIBU to expect more CM from ex for ASD son?

[northernnelli]

A bit of backstory – DS7 was diagnosed with ASD when he was a toddler. He went to a special school until Jan last year when he started in mainstream education with a 1-on-1 TA support. His progress has been great and he enjoys school. His father and I split up 2.5 yrs ago. I have since remarried. My ex was paying an amount we agreed via email at the time of separation. He now wants to go through CMS as he says he can't afford to keep paying what he does and his income varies year to year, which will leave me with only £720 a month, almost £300 less that what he currently pays and AGREED to with NO NOTICE. I receive mid-rate DLA for DS but this may be stopped.

The thing is, CMS don't take into consideration the additional needs of my child! Although his ASD doesn't cost MONEY that I can show him invoices for, it costs TIME because I don't think afterschool care is appropriate for DS (he did attend a mainstream summer daycare last year without a 1-on-1 but I personally think he is too tired at the end of the day for afterschool club to be considered) therefore I am limited in the hours I can work as I have to personally care for him myself at the end of the school day. All I can do at the moment is work from home which barely makes me anything. I was unable to work at all when he was young which means I gave up my career to care for him. My ex on the other hand has become quite successful.

AIBU to think he should be paying more than the CMS rate? I intend to take this all the way to court so I can get a court ordered CM instead of CMS rate. He's suggesting applying to the cMS every year because his income varies (+/- about £20k a yr), but his DS's needs don't vary so why should he miss out??

sleepingstanding has explained a breakdown of the costs really well, OP.

You can't rely on your DS's father to pay for you. He contributes to his DS's costs. That's the reality.

OP I agree having a disabled child is of course exhausting and stressful (being a parent to any child is anyway!). I also have a disabled child so can empathise. However some of us have no choice but to work, whether it be fulltime of picking up night time in Tesco etc. You are very lucky that your dh and ex support you so that you can stay at home. I think you will just have to wait and let the court decide but I suspect you will end up much worse off by going down that road.

Why are you expecting your DLA to stop? If his needs are really that great that you cannot use any childcare then your DLA will not stop. When we had our first renewal, it came back saying she won't have to renew until she is 16 which gave us security with it - hopefully yours will too.

You don't mention any younger children? Therefore I can see why yur dh is probably wondering why he is paying over the odds to enable you to stay at home, it really is time to try and support yourself. You say your DH shouldn't have to contribute/help with childcare - I strongly disagree and I would question why you and he married if that is how you both view it.

Iceallmighty
Best post yet!

Go on, take it to court and let us know how you get on.

I never said we had to live where we do for my work. It's for the sake of my son and not having to make him move house because he's already been through enough thank you. I work from home but I don't see how that's relevant.
Like I said before re DLA it's not always a tangible cost of money but of my time and loss of earnings. If I had to put DS in after school care it would go on that because I'd probably try and get specialist care. And then if I lose DLA and I'm paying specialist childcare and ex is still only paying CMS and has a bad year and CM goes down considerably we will be in a really bad state. So even more reason why I think this should be enforced now so it doesn't have to come up again in the future.

Hollieindie it could have been my family member writing this post.

Life's unfair blah blah blah.
My tolerance for that victim of life attitude is very low I'm afraid after hearing it most of my life.

However no amount of responses will make op realise she's being silly because she's blinkered into this mind set u fortunately and even when the courts agree she gets more than enough and lowers it,and even when other professionals also tell her the same,op will still be on the same mindset.
It's being enabled at the moment by someone else who also has bills and commitments but op doesn't care about that as long as she's got her money and £1500 a month Home.

So even more reason why I think this should be enforced now so it doesn't have to come up again in the future

It won't be enforced. You're already receiving way over CMS rate. If you take it to court the amount will drop accordingly.

I never said we had to live where we do for my work. It's for the sake of my son and not having to make him move house because he's already been through enough thank you

And sometimes you have to do things that are unpalatable. If your monthly rent is too much you move.

I work from home but I don't see how that's relevant

It is relevant if you're not earning enough to cover costs.

ex is still only paying CMS and has a bad year and CM goes down considerably we will be in a really bad state

He can't pay what he doesn't earn.

Nothing you have said on this thread will convince a court that you need more maintenance than the CMS rate. So you need to start thinking about the positive changes you can make to ease your own situation.

What can you cut back on?
Can you increase your home earnings? How are you advertising yourself? What other jobs can you do at home?
Can you look at working outside the home on certain days per week?

Have you any other children OP?

Why not work back to back with your dh like most families plenty work the night shift. You want everything handed to you. You need to take responsibility. Your work from home is substainable if you are relying on your ex to pay over the odds.

You said yourself that your ds was fine in a holiday club with no 1-1. So after school care provided by the school will be fine for him. You are creating problems that don't exist.

If your DLA goes down that does imply your ds has less extra costs.

You might have to face reality and move.
Or be a grown up, get a job that pays better or do more hours.

What about bar work every other weekend?

Like I said before re DLA it's not always a tangible cost of money but of my time and loss of earnings. If I had to put DS in after school care it would go on that because I'd probably try and get specialist care. And then if I lose DLA and I'm paying specialist childcare and ex is still only paying CMS and has a bad year and CM goes down considerably we will be in a really bad state. So even more reason why I think this should be enforced now so it doesn't have to come up again in the future.

OK - but don't you see that the DLA is awarded to you to pay for your time in care or the specialist childcare? So the direct cost of the ASD is that either you or a specialist needs to care for your DS - and you spend your DLA on that.

All the rest is just "standard issue" costs of having a child. Which your ex is only 50% responsible for.

Losing the DLA is a red herring. And you cannot get something "enforced" that a court never enforces, as multiple posters have told you.

I sympathise that it feel unfair, but railing against it will not change the reality of the situation.

Better to start from a realistic, pragmatic viewpoint.

Great Post nosquirrels

You can’t enforce anything. You had a very generous private agreement of over £1000 a month. ExH whose finacaes you now know nothing about is planning on chanbging this to the amount required by a formal CS calculator. The break down by Sleepingstanding seemed pretty reasonable. You and your husband are responsible for your own costs. Your exH is responsible for costs toward raising the child. I seriously doubt you spend £360 a week solely on heating, food, and travel for your son- who is also in school 5 days a week with a teachers aid. Currently your exH is providing £250 a week for the care of your child, not for ameniti s also and mainly used for you and your current husband. He wants to drop this to £180 a week. I’m sorry, I really doubt you are spending anywhere near £500 a week currently/ which would match the contribution your exH makes for your child, on the child. I feel you are being very unreasonable.

Specialist after school care for one child is similar to that in cost of after school care for families with two or more dc op and they manage it without a third wage!!!
Holiday club for my two youngest dc is £75 from 9 am to 3pm per day so that's what I pay.
After school club for two from 3.30 to 5.30 is £23 a day.
What I'm trying to say is people manage and learn to live within their means op.
Sacrifice something else for after school club a couple of times a week so you can earn more yourself.
Or move so you pay less rent. Plenty of houses with two beds for less than what your currently paying at present.

You still haven't said your family household income from you and your dh plus the extras you get.
Is that because when you look at it all on paper you realise it is totally do able even with the drop from exdh?

All I can do at the moment is work from home

our rent alone is £1500 month and that's providing a bedroom for DS, us, and an area where I can work

I never said we had to live where we do for my work. It's for the sake of my son

I don't envy your ex trying to reason with you OP.

And I thought i had seen it all.

My ex is a deadbeat so you should get much either
And grabby cow because she is not impressed with an established aramgement being changed
Along with you are lucky to have a decent ex who does contribute, that is not luck it should be expected and normal

So many pp giving their experiences of caring for a sn child and op keeps saying "you don't know what it's like to have a sn child!"

I agree with pp who have said that your rent, council tax etc are not your ex's responsibility.

Going on a pp's calculation of £3.5k per month, rent of £1k and your cm of £1k leaving him with £1.5k to live on: what happens if his income decreases next year like you said it does. A decrease of £20k is over £1.5k per month so what is he supposed to live on after he's paid his rent and he's paid you?

The nrp should totally pay for their child but not so it leaves them with nothing at all.

Fwiw I've been a single parent of a child with ASD all her life. My ex pays £170 per month which hasn't changed in about 10 years.

Honestly OP, why did you even bother asking if you were being unreasonable if you are just going to stamp your feet and argue that you're not to anyone that thinks you are? Which clearly the majority of us think you are unreasonable.

If it's going to affect you that much, you need to cut back and live within your means. It's as simple as that. Find a cheaper place to live. No kid likes being uprooted and having to move but that's just life if you're living somewhere you can't really afford. You are honestly going to get nowhere and might come out worse off if you decide to take this further but if you take this to court, please do let us know how you get on.

OK enough of this please. I don't want any more responses to this thread.

OK enough of this please. I don't want any more responses to this thread

Yeah that's not really how it works.

@northernnelli I'm a single parent who works from home. Happy to give you advice but you need to be willing to take it.

Yet another poster who doesn't like the real world.

If you don’t want responses don’t post a question. To answer it-yes, you are being very unreasonable.

Op even with your rent at 1500 instead of my guessed 1200 that's still only an extra 50 your ex would be responsible for assuming your DH has no financial commitment to the child. So how does it cost 2k a month to raise your child

I'm a single parent with two DC, one of whom is ASD. My ex-H only contributes the government minimum. I can also give you a load of tips, if you are willing to hear them?

The other logic problem you're having, OP, is that you don't think it's fair for your income to decrease if something happens in the future (loss of DLA) but you do think it's fair for your ex to suck up the pain if his income decreases in the future (earns less through his business).

If you were still together, and your ex earned less, you'd just need to adjust, wouldn't you, as no one can spend/pay out what they don't have?

The principle is the same although you are apart.

There are problems with the CMS and self-employed people sometimes, but you haven't said you think ex is being dishonest or hiding income. He sounds happy to pay - just not what he cannot afford.