AIBU to expect more CM from ex for ASD son?

[northernnelli]

A bit of backstory – DS7 was diagnosed with ASD when he was a toddler. He went to a special school until Jan last year when he started in mainstream education with a 1-on-1 TA support. His progress has been great and he enjoys school. His father and I split up 2.5 yrs ago. I have since remarried. My ex was paying an amount we agreed via email at the time of separation. He now wants to go through CMS as he says he can't afford to keep paying what he does and his income varies year to year, which will leave me with only £720 a month, almost £300 less that what he currently pays and AGREED to with NO NOTICE. I receive mid-rate DLA for DS but this may be stopped.

The thing is, CMS don't take into consideration the additional needs of my child! Although his ASD doesn't cost MONEY that I can show him invoices for, it costs TIME because I don't think afterschool care is appropriate for DS (he did attend a mainstream summer daycare last year without a 1-on-1 but I personally think he is too tired at the end of the day for afterschool club to be considered) therefore I am limited in the hours I can work as I have to personally care for him myself at the end of the school day. All I can do at the moment is work from home which barely makes me anything. I was unable to work at all when he was young which means I gave up my career to care for him. My ex on the other hand has become quite successful.

AIBU to think he should be paying more than the CMS rate? I intend to take this all the way to court so I can get a court ordered CM instead of CMS rate. He's suggesting applying to the cMS every year because his income varies (+/- about £20k a yr), but his DS's needs don't vary so why should he miss out??

I have two ASN children. I can't and don't work. My husband works full time, supports his stepchildren and we don't live outwith our needs.

This woman can't live within her means!!
She is a FREELOADER!!!!

I have two ASN children. I can't and don't work. My husband works full time, supports his stepchildren and we don't live outwith our needs. footiegirl - why the hell should your kids step Dad support another mans children?

Of course it’s admirable that he does. But it’s not right. And you are being nasty to call the OP a freeloader just because you aren’t standing up and calling out your children’s father - who is just getting off Scott free -
In fact anyone who has special needs children who are telling the
OP to stop being ‘grabby’ because well, you get so little from your Exes, are just piling on misplaced anger on the wrong person - the carer. It is a job you know! Caring. It deserves to be financially maintained by the parent who is not having to do the caring. Unbelievable!

Your opinion 😂

My ex has my son's 8 days a month. He is not working. He has never provided cm. Yet this woman can't live within her means, receiving a grand and moaning her EX isn't providing her lifestyle!!!

No Banana most of us are being realistic. Child Support is supposed to keep the child financially supported in the lifestyle that those 2 parents could provide if they'd stayed together. Hence why it is a calculation on earned income. If the op and ex had remained together as a family unit she would have to have accepted for this year he only earnt 80k and cut her cloth accordingly.

Whilst I appreciate the predicament she is in the op really should realise that it is not solely her exes responsibility to fund their joint child. Although I see she works from home too. She does need to find a way that financially works for her, and her new husband.

Wow greedy much.

I get 230 a month from my sons Dad. My son doesn't attend after school club but I got a job in the mornings so I don't need childcare after school. It's possible to deal with, you just think your ex should keep you. You already get a lot more than most.

As much as I'm with everyone else that financially in this case it seems op is being OTT I think this raises an interesting discussion.

We are in a climate of austerity where services are being cut and funding is being cut. The realism is payments for disabled people are being cut too.
So when considering costs for separated couples it is worth considering some sort of system whereby the carer receives an alimony like a spousal payment.

Other than that I cannot see why you think your ds will lose his MRC - if he's on a FT EHCP he'll continue to get it.
You can also look into a CM for your ds is Asc is too much. CM usually charge £3-5/hr dependent on area so if you work for min wage it'll cover it - you may not initially be better off but it will open doors for you career wise. Or look at a nanny? Childcare students will often snap up these positions for a bit of extra cash and experience. Ime they also have far more energy and patience!

Spousal payments stop on remarriage/co-habitation.

bananas did you miss the bit where the ex is quite happy to continue paying a high amount of cm but his wages vary so he needs his cm to vary? If he is suddenly earning over £1000 less per month (which the op states is the case) then how is he supposed to carry on giving her the same amount?

@youarenotkiddingme what's an Mrc?

Middle Rate Care = MRC
OP mentions she gets PIP for her son.

I don't get a penny for my asd child or the 3 others. I get dla for her which is £310 a month the op is getting that PLUS £720 a month and can't manage on that?? this thread had wound me up aswell.

What would happen of your ex suddenly became unemployed? You would get next to nothing! You are in a very lucky position that he is willing and able to give you £700pm, an amount most struggling ex wife's could only dream of!

My children are older now, and have no additional needs but my Ex paid less than £200 a month maintenance. I had to sell up my family home and move to a 2 bed flat and sleep on a mattress in the lounge as the running costs were too high in our home on my lone wage and cm. Its hard, and feels unfair, but that's life. I hope your situation resolves for you OP but life isn't all plain sailing and sometimes we have to make sacrifices.