AIBU to expect more CM from ex for ASD son?

[northernnelli]

A bit of backstory – DS7 was diagnosed with ASD when he was a toddler. He went to a special school until Jan last year when he started in mainstream education with a 1-on-1 TA support. His progress has been great and he enjoys school. His father and I split up 2.5 yrs ago. I have since remarried. My ex was paying an amount we agreed via email at the time of separation. He now wants to go through CMS as he says he can't afford to keep paying what he does and his income varies year to year, which will leave me with only £720 a month, almost £300 less that what he currently pays and AGREED to with NO NOTICE. I receive mid-rate DLA for DS but this may be stopped.

The thing is, CMS don't take into consideration the additional needs of my child! Although his ASD doesn't cost MONEY that I can show him invoices for, it costs TIME because I don't think afterschool care is appropriate for DS (he did attend a mainstream summer daycare last year without a 1-on-1 but I personally think he is too tired at the end of the day for afterschool club to be considered) therefore I am limited in the hours I can work as I have to personally care for him myself at the end of the school day. All I can do at the moment is work from home which barely makes me anything. I was unable to work at all when he was young which means I gave up my career to care for him. My ex on the other hand has become quite successful.

AIBU to think he should be paying more than the CMS rate? I intend to take this all the way to court so I can get a court ordered CM instead of CMS rate. He's suggesting applying to the cMS every year because his income varies (+/- about £20k a yr), but his DS's needs don't vary so why should he miss out??

Moomin my DH already pays half of the bills so already contributes enough to a child that isn't even his, cares for him also in the evenings, I'm not asking him to give up his career too or reduce his hours, how would that help??

£720 is a lot OP. If he's earning £20k a year, that's a good chunk off his monthly wage assuming he has his own rent or mortgage to pay, bills to pay, food to buy, providing things for your son when he visits. It's your decision not to put your son in after school care (not saying you're wrong for making that decision, but that decision that you've made doesn't fall down to your ex). Taking this to court, I don't see you getting more than what you're getting already. That should be more than enough on top of your own money and any benefits/care allowance you get.

As the full time parent of 2 kids 1 who has asd and probably adhd and the other who is also a handful I do sympathise massively OP. I can not work. I have no support whatsoever do to so right now hopefully in the future but right now I’m screwed in that sense. My ex does pay the CMS amount and as far as I’m aware there is no special circumstances payments or whatever if your child has additional needs disability or medical. It’s just the way it is and one of the things we have to suck up unfortunately.

No ex earns IRO £80k a year and my DH significantly less.

YABU

So you e remarried and presumably your dh works and pays his share of the bills and you work from home to cover your share?
And your ex dh pays a large amount of maintenance and your complaining still?

^This

I totally agree that he should pay his share and I agree that given the time you have to dedicate to caring for your ds, he should pay an appropriate amount. However if he doesn’t have the money, or can say he doesn’t, there’s not much you can do. He must earn a reasonable wage if cms is 700 a month.

I think the cms needs to award more and to have greater powers to investigate and enforce.

My ex pays next to nothing for our dd- he doesn’t even pay cms minimum as he never has any money. It much I can do about it unfortunately.

£720 is a lot considering that you have another adult to share household bills and you get DLA.

I think you need to put your son into after school care and find a better paying job.

I just googled DLA, you'll be getting approx £200 per month from that, plus £720 from your ex. This is only £100 less than my husband earns per month for actually working.

Also in defence of the OP I don’t see why people saying things like “well my ex pays fuck all” is relevant. It’s basically saying OP should count herself lucky that her ex pays anything at all. I refuse to think myself lucky. I didn’t produce these children by myself their father helped and therefore he shoulders the financial responsibilities as well as me! Lucky my arse.

Wish I got £720- £60 a month here.

I can't afford after school care as he is REFUSING to pay contribution to that on top of CM. I will get this enforced by the court because I think that's ridiculous. And If I lose DLA for DS then we may even have to move house and I don't know how DS will cope with that. He's been through enough.

I read it as OP currently receives £920 and ex is REDUCING CM to £720?

which will leave me with only £720 a month, almost £300 less that what he currently pays ooop actually gets £1020 a month!

Northern you are living beyond your means then.

No court will force him to pay above the CSA rate.

It is the needs of the CHILD that should be prioritised here.

If the CHILD needs 1:1 parental care after school then that prevents that adults earning capacity being realised.

Therefore the other parent needs to make allowances for that, imo.

Problem is who makes the judgement whether that child is 'too tired' for afterschool care, and whether that can be made to stick / have consequences.

Realistically, OP, you are in the right, but you are unlikely to win this.

Try living within your own means then op and not expecting another adult to cover your share
Put your big girls pants on,like a lot of the posters here,get a job that works flexi and around your sons schooling like the rest of us and stop complaining.
He's paying a fairly large amount already and he's still needing money for his own commitments.
Think you need to get your head out of your arse.
Earn your own money and stop expecting someone else to pay your bills.
Your current dh married you and took on your son so saying he already does enough is irrelevant op.
When I married my dh my eldest ds was 6 and my dh took him on and pays half of everything inc uniforms etc etc.

The cms amount is the minimum he should contribute and is based on his salary. He has offered to review annually which is good because many people try to avoid this.

How many days does he have dc overnight? Is he declaring the correct number?

Although £700 is more than most nrp pay It doesn’t mean you should be greatfulmhe pays the bare minimum Legal requirement. The losers who avoid paying for their children should be prosecuted and held accountable, just like they would be if they defrauded HMRC of money due.

If the government truely gave a shit they would force absent parents to do self assessment style payments with similar sized fines to those avoiding tax, or they would deduct at source. They don’t trust ex students to voluntary repay their loan - they deduct at source if paye.

You could take legal advice to see if the court would oblige him to pay more and for how long. Alternatively could he split residency 50/50 enabling you to focus on your career?

How on earth can you not afford after school care if you get :£1020 CM, £200 DLA, plus your and OH’s wages? More to the point, why is it an issue if you don’t want him to go anyway? But if you got a better paying job you would have the money to send him to after school care? Oh but you don’t actually want him to go...?

Very confusing OP.

DLA has different levels Dermymc my son gets £312/ month that's mid rate care and low rate mobility if ops child gets high rate care and high rate mobility it will be more like £5/600 /month, low rate care and low rate mobility is about £200/month

*It is the needs of the CHILD that should be prioritised here.

If the CHILD needs 1:1 parental care after school then that prevents that adults earning capacity being realised.*

This is exactly what I'm saying. And then if we're CMS and ex has a bad year, what's going to stop him from suddenly dropping to say, £400?? We'd be in serious trouble.

Why can't you work when he is at school? Work at his school?

I think you're used to getting X amount and now kicking off it's changing when you're not willing to look at things you could do to improve your financial income

What does after school care cost if £720 a month won't cover it?

I really don’t see why you’re having to be so reliant on your ex husbands wage when you and your current husband have a household together. Get looking for a better job.

I think it’s a bit wrong that a paying parent can ask and obtain a variation on assessment so end up paying a lower amount if they have a disabled child resident in the household (know they could with CSA not sure about cms) but a receiving parent couldnt ask for more if the child the Cm is for is disabled.

If you were still together, your income would still vary according to what your ex earned, that's what he's suggesting now by reviewing CM every year. Being separated doesn't guarantee him a consistent wage.