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AIBU?

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Original poster

About his attitude to lap dances

255 replies

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 11:41

I’m currently having a discussion with my DP about our attitudes to strip clubs and lap dances.

I’m against the whole thing for two reasons. Firstly, I think strip clubs treat women as commodities to be bought and promotes negative attitudes to women. Secondly, I hate the idea of my DP paying for another woman to get naked and dance in his lap. This really upsets me. I know he is always going to find other women attractive but to actually pay for someone to turn him on on a 1-2-1 basis feels disrespectful to me.

He has just said that I’ve got no right to tell him what to do and if he were to go on a stag do where it was expected of him then he would be getting a lap dance.

I feel pretty devastated about this. I know I can’t force him not to do something but I did hope he would take my feelings into account.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Chaosofcalm · 16/01/2018 11:43

I would be upset with this and lose respect for a man who treats women this way.

Trinity66 · 16/01/2018 11:43

You would be unreasonable to expect him not to go if it were a stag do, but not about getting an actual lap dance I think. I think that's really disrespectful.

whiskyowl · 16/01/2018 11:44

This would be a deal breaker for me too.

Don't buy the line that all men are like it,only some hide it. Its not true. There are many men who hate strip clubs.

MrsDustyBusty · 16/01/2018 11:44

Yeah, he has a technical right to do what he likes.

You have a right to tell him to go to hell.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 16/01/2018 11:45

I’m with you on strip clubs, but I could live with it if dh went to one on a stag do / party, (basically, as long as he wasn’t one of those creepy dudes who hang out in strip climbs on their own all the time).

A naked lap dance sounds all kinds of grim. I wouldn’t be happy with it either.

araiwa · 16/01/2018 11:45

Maybe has taken your feelings in to account and still come to the same choice.

Or do you mean 'he does what i say' when he takes your feelings in to account

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 16/01/2018 11:45

Clubs*

Singlebutmarried · 16/01/2018 11:46

How do you feel about male strippers?

Polarbear46 · 16/01/2018 11:47

Really won’t buy the “poor girls” notion. Yep there are some girls who feel they have no choice based on circumstances but most girls WANT to work in a club and WANT the money. It’s up to the girls to choose their clubs wisely

However your DH is a twat and no, as a married man no he doesn’t get to “do what he likes” if it hurts his other half

TinyRick · 16/01/2018 11:48

He's just proving that he doesn't respect women, including you.

Dealbreaker for me.

PinkHeart5914 · 16/01/2018 11:48

Why is it ok to go if it’s a stag do though? Confused like I’ve never been on a hen do and gone to see men dance for me and show me some cock so why is it ok for men to go and see women with tits out dancing for them? The whole oh it was on an stag do line that gets trotted out by some is such bullshit.

In my mind a certain type of man goes to a strip club and has a dance and it’s not one I’d want to be in a relationship with. Plenty of other activities can be done on a stag do you know!

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 16/01/2018 11:49

How do you feel about male strippers?

I know that wasn’t directed at me, but I feel the same about them as I do about female strippers. A ‘friend’ arranged a naked butler for my hen as a lovely surprise. I wasn’t happy with it at all. It felt really seedy and unfair on the man. I’d have been happy to pay him to be a butler. The naked part wasn’t necessary.

Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 11:51

It is the lap dance that I’m particularly bothered about. I realise that he might find himself in a group who all want to go to a strip club and not want to lose his friends.

However, it’s the whole actively purchasing a naked lap dance from another woman for his sexual entertainment that really bothers me.

It’s also his reaction - he doesn’t seem to give a shit about how I might feel about it.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 16/01/2018 11:52

Why is it ok to go if it’s a stag do though?

If it's not his stag do then it wouldn't be his choice where the venue was so in that case I'd be ok with him going rather than not going to the stag at all (thankfully none of the stags he's gone to since we've been together have been in strip clubs anyway

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 16/01/2018 11:52

It’s not ‘ok’ on a stag do. I could live with it though, but I wouldn’t exactly encourage it!

Fwiw, the only time dh went on a stag do where there was a strip club involved, he and a few others went to a pub instead, (or so he says Wink)!

Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 11:53

I hate male strippers as well. I can’t think of many things more horrifying than having a naked man gyrate over you.

Perhaps I do mean that he does what I say when I talk about taking my feelings into account. Perhaps I am being controlling but I know if I was doing something that I didn’t really need to do and he was horrified about it, I wouldn’t do it.

OP posts:
lastnamefirstfirstnamelast · 16/01/2018 11:54

Get rid.

He has not respect for your feelings. Letting a woman turn him on IMO Is cheating.

PinkHeart5914 · 16/01/2018 11:55

How do you feel about male strippers?

Well personally I don’t like the idea of strippers Male or female. Don’t get me wrong I love a bit of cock but not when someone has paid said man to take his clothes off. Doesn’t get my motor running. It feels like a seedy transaction

CoffeeMilkNoSugar · 16/01/2018 11:56

My DH hates strip clubs with a passion and had refused to go on stag dos that involved them. According to him, a woman's consent and a woman's body is not a commodity to be bought and sold. My views are the same, and if his were any different, it would be a massive deal breaker. I couldn't live under one roof, let alone being involved in a romantic relationship with, somebody who doesn't respect women.

overnightangel · 16/01/2018 11:58

Your husband is a twat

bemusedSpectator · 16/01/2018 11:58

I don't think I'd mind about attending a strip club but not having a one-on-one dance. That to me is too much and a bit 'cheaty'.

Of course it isn't any kind of misogyny or demonstrating disrespect.

Stompythedinosaur · 16/01/2018 12:02

Not all men are like that. It is horrible that he's turned on by treating women as objects, it's also horrible that your feelings matter less to him than his brief sexual gratification.

Pseudousername · 16/01/2018 12:04

Dealbreaker for me. I see it as cheating.

Teadazed · 16/01/2018 12:06

Just because "the group" wants to go to a strip club doesnt mean every man has to tag along. I've never been invited to a strip club (DH was years ago in Bangkok and made his own way back to the normal bars) but I've politely declined Hooters, casinos etc.

OP, that does sound grim that he doesn't care. What's in it for him? Does he know why you object?

Chuggachugga · 16/01/2018 12:10

Hmmm... lots of aversion to strip clubs here. It all depends how you view cheating. If it’s getting turned on by looking at another woman (I expect there’s a no touching rule) then where do you draw the line? Porn? Talking to other women? My hubby refuses to get dances any more. Paying loads of money for a fake seduction was not his cup of tea. But I’m glad I gave him the opportunity to find out for himself. (But on the same note you need to find out if it’s a seedy one or not cos some ones do “extras” which is definitely where my line is drawn!!!