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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About his attitude to lap dances

255 replies

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 11:41

I’m currently having a discussion with my DP about our attitudes to strip clubs and lap dances.

I’m against the whole thing for two reasons. Firstly, I think strip clubs treat women as commodities to be bought and promotes negative attitudes to women. Secondly, I hate the idea of my DP paying for another woman to get naked and dance in his lap. This really upsets me. I know he is always going to find other women attractive but to actually pay for someone to turn him on on a 1-2-1 basis feels disrespectful to me.

He has just said that I’ve got no right to tell him what to do and if he were to go on a stag do where it was expected of him then he would be getting a lap dance.

I feel pretty devastated about this. I know I can’t force him not to do something but I did hope he would take my feelings into account.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:

FancyNewBeesly · 16/01/2018 19:29

Yeah, he can do whatever he wants. Just as you can tell the misogynistic fucker to do one.

leftwiththedognow · 16/01/2018 19:31

Dealbreaker for me too.

FloControl · 16/01/2018 19:48

You wouldn't get me within a million miles of a gentlemen's club, strip joint etc. I have nothing against naked females per se but the idea of lap dancers and associated shit is very tasteless. And I have had my sexuality questioned in the past when venturing this opinion. I think kissograms are outdated trash too.

Ginger1982 · 16/01/2018 20:00

My DH has had a lap dance before, prior to meeting me. He said it was all kind of awkward and in no way sexually exciting! I think men probably exaggerate what they get out of it.

Original poster

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 20:08

He has had lap dances in the past, so it's not like he is missing out on something he hasn't already experienced when he was single.

OP posts:

Mummalovex · 16/01/2018 20:31

Exactly, he should have realised that he leaves all of that behind when he is in a relationship, how are things between the both of you now?x

Original poster

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 20:35

I haven't spoken to him. He has gone away with work. So at least I've got some time to think.

OP posts:

Mummalovex · 16/01/2018 21:00

Yea that's probably the best thing you can do, have a nice bath and a cuppa and have a relaxing evening :)

Coyoacan · 16/01/2018 22:18

Setting aside his complete indifference to human suffering and your opinions for a moment, the idea that he would do something he didn't want to do so as not to lose face with his friends means he is a complete loser and not someone you want to tie your life to.

BlondeB83 · 16/01/2018 22:46

I completely agree with you OP! The strip club is one thing on a stag do but a lap dance is an entirely different thing!

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 16/01/2018 22:53

My DH went to a strip club way back when we were first dating. I was a proper ‘cool girlfriend’ back then and it didn’t bother me - but it did him. It still does.

It would really bother me that he’s saying he would get a lap dance. Entering the club as part of a night out, I could just about excuse. But paying for a lap dance? No.

FlouncyDoves · 16/01/2018 23:12

I have no interest in this, and my wife also objects to the objectification of women in this way.

I have been on several stag trips both at home and abroad and have always left the group and found my own way home when they’ve headed to a strip club.

It’s a shame your partner isn’t a little bit more of a real man, and feels he can’t look after himself when away from home.

Jamiefraserskilt · 17/01/2018 01:51

I know guys that have gone along for the gang but have chosen to go to the bar instead of being in the receiving line for something that doesn't sit right with their conscience. I would not be happy with his response either. However, this is a hypothetical discussion at this point over which you have and your view clear. If he did this despite your view then he would be disrespecting you, your relationship and your trust.

toomuchtimereadingthreads2016 · 17/01/2018 05:50

Maybe he is feeling resentful over you putting your foot down/getting cross with him over something hypothetical that he hasn't even done... I think its a good idea to talk about boundaries and what diff people are ok/not ok with. I completely agree with how you feel about strip clubs. But I know that if I started laying the law of the land down to my DH over something hypothetical and getting my knickers in a twist over it, he would strop and probs have a similar reaction. You can't treat him like a child. If he knows its a deal breaker for you then let him crack on. When push comes to shove and he has to make that choice, then you'll know what kind of man you're really with and can make your own decision whether to be with him or not.

MrsDilber · 17/01/2018 06:07

I've seen male strippers on a couple of nights out, with a large group of women. Would never go again, it felt seedy and wasn't much fun (though I wasn't a party pooper). DH was fine with me going, knew I wasn't keen. This was 25 years ago, it was popular at the time due to the Chippendales being all the rage. Thankfully, attitudes seem to have shifted.

As for your DH, I wouldn't be happy about it. Lap dances are very intimate. Yes, he has the right to go, equally, you have the right to be pissed off about it.

Original poster

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 17/01/2018 06:23

I do think there is an element of him having a strop about me telling him what my boundaries are. Perhaps I was a little bit strident in my views.

I also have thought about whether I’m over reacting about a hypothetical situation. Ordinarily I would agree, that I should just wait and see what he does should the situation arise. However, I don’t want to be in the situation where I’m more tied to him (shared property, children etc) and he does it.

He was very clear that he would get a lap dance if it was expected of him.

I’m going to give us both a few days to calm down to make sure I’m not acting out of anger and then we can have a make or break discussion.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 17/01/2018 08:08

"Perhaps I was a little bit strident in my views."
Be careful- that is a classic "be quiet, woman" turn of phrase.

MadamMinacious · 17/01/2018 08:29

Agreed Bertram.

MadamMinacious · 17/01/2018 08:30

*Bertrand

Original poster

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 17/01/2018 08:33

Bertrand I hear you. Thanks. I think you might be right. I wasn’t aggressive or anything like that. I just repeatedly (three times) said that, this was a deal breaker to me.

He then said he hated being told what to do. When I responded that I wasn’t telling him what to do rather I was telling him what is not acceptable according to my standards in terms of who I will be on a relationship with he didn’t take kindly when I calmly pointed out that his feelings and desires are not the only thing that matters.

We ended the conversation saying that we were agreed on my compromise (ie he could go but would try his hardest not to have a lap dance). However ten minutes later he was then saying that I had agreed he could have a lap dance on a stag do but not go on his own. He knew this was not what we had agreed but I think he was trying to twist my words.

This is when he said he would have one if it was expected of him.

This is the second time he has deliberately continued with a course of behaviour that he knows would hurt me. I don’t think he will get a third chance.

OP posts:

FlouncyDoves · 17/01/2018 08:36

Women, know your place! (Which is apparently on men’s laps...)

Don’t change your opinion to suit him. If you do that over this you’ll be doing it the rest of your life.

What you could do is if he has a lap dance despite knowing your feelings on the matter, is to book a male stripper to come to your house one night when you know he’ll be there. Then you can have a lap dance from the naked man (bound to have a more impressive physique that your bloke) while he sits there. See how he likes it.

MadamMinacious · 17/01/2018 09:31

I'll never understand why we are supposed to accept it is better to PAY for a woman to writhe half naked in front of attached men when it clearly wouldn't be acceptable if it just happened in a nightclub - it would be cheating. The cognitive dissonance can only be a result of brain washing by the images we see around us and what the media and men tell us. It's ridiculous when you think about it like that.

MadamMinacious · 17/01/2018 09:35

@AnotherPlaceAnotherTime - stick to your opinions, if you give in you will end up thinking less of yourself. You say it is the second time he has ignored your feelings in a way that would hurt you. Don't let yourself get so hurt you end up with no self esteem.

Also lol at

would try his hardest not to have a lap dance

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 17/01/2018 09:45

Oh ffs, he sounds such a bellend in that last update. You couldn’t have been clearer in saying it was a DEALBREAKER. He’s hearing what he wants to.

Original poster

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 17/01/2018 10:01

Madam sorry that was my phrase.

He does just want a lap dance though doesn’t he? My opinions and feelings are not important when it stands in the way of his access to paid boobs.

OP posts:

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