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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About his attitude to lap dances

255 replies

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 11:41

I’m currently having a discussion with my DP about our attitudes to strip clubs and lap dances.

I’m against the whole thing for two reasons. Firstly, I think strip clubs treat women as commodities to be bought and promotes negative attitudes to women. Secondly, I hate the idea of my DP paying for another woman to get naked and dance in his lap. This really upsets me. I know he is always going to find other women attractive but to actually pay for someone to turn him on on a 1-2-1 basis feels disrespectful to me.

He has just said that I’ve got no right to tell him what to do and if he were to go on a stag do where it was expected of him then he would be getting a lap dance.

I feel pretty devastated about this. I know I can’t force him not to do something but I did hope he would take my feelings into account.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
LemonysSnicket · 18/01/2018 21:16

I wouldn’t care about DP going to a strip club for a stag, I have bigger things to care about and he can decide on his own ethics. However, you’re absolutely correct about paying for a dance it’s lecherous, disrespectful and rude to you.

My DP would be too embarrassed to get one. He’d go red like a beetroot.

LemonysSnicket · 18/01/2018 21:18

And @PinkHeart5914 many hen dos go to a Chippendales type show (not me). Same idea more theatrical format to suit women.

ferntwist · 18/01/2018 21:56

Very different when it’s one on one Lemony. Paying for a naked dance is not on unless you have an open marriage in my book.

MadamMinacious · 18/01/2018 22:30

Just hope you're ok Anothertime you take care of yourself.

Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 19/01/2018 07:29

I should also point out that I’m not insecure about him finding the dancers more attractive than me. I would be equally upset about him paying for a naked lap dance from the person in the world that he found least attractive.

I’m upset because in my view, if you’re in a monogamous relationship with someone else, then it’s disrespectful to have someone else (paid or not) to dance naked for you.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 19/01/2018 07:49

You don't have to be insecure to object to men going to strip clubs/lap dancing clubs. You can just be opposed to the idea of women being commodities to be bought and sold and to people thinkjng that's OK.

And anyone drawing an equivalence with male strippers - show me the men who are trafficked into the sex industry and exploited by pimps, the neighbourhood clubs where groups of women go for a quick wank on the way home from work and the club where business women go to do deals with a side order of stripper. Then we'll talk.

ferntwist · 19/01/2018 07:55

Don’t stand for it Another. If you let him bully you over this, what will he claim he has a right to do next?

Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 19/01/2018 08:29

Oh and another thing (I’m sorry for continuing to vent) if he hates being told what to do so much why would he let his friends bully him into a lap dance? Or does being told what to do only matter when it’s me and I’m asking him to show some respect to our relationship?

OP posts:
MadamMinacious · 19/01/2018 08:35

And anyone drawing an equivalence with male strippers - show me the men who are trafficked into the sex industry and exploited by pimps, the neighbourhood clubs where groups of women go for a quick wank on the way home from work and the club where business women go to do deals with a side order of stripper. Then we'll talk

Good post Bertrand - absolutely agree with this.

You stand up for yourself AnotherPlace and make sure you are comfortable with this, if he loves you forgoing a lap dance shouldn't be an issue.

EggsonHeads · 19/01/2018 08:42

You don't have any right to tell him what to do but that said it's a really gross thing to do. Bit late I suppose seeing as you've married him.

thewooster · 19/01/2018 08:53

It's such a massive turn off. He is more interested in pleasing his mates/himself than you. He hates being told what to do, unless it's his mates doing the telling. Hypocrisy.

What is he - 12 years old?

It strikes me he will do what he wants and if you don't like it, he will do it behind your back. Lap dancers are his thing. He's been before and he wants to go now and he will do it future. You will be kept in dark after this.

Do you want this type of man in your life?

Trinity66 · 19/01/2018 12:15

Oh and another thing (I’m sorry for continuing to vent) if he hates being told what to do so much why would he let his friends bully him into a lap dance? Or does being told what to do only matter when it’s me and I’m asking him to show some respect to our relationship?

Exactly.

Lizzie48 · 19/01/2018 13:13

And anyone drawing an equivalence with male strippers - show me the men who are trafficked into the sex industry and exploited by pimps, the neighbourhood clubs where groups of women go for a quick wank on the way home from work and the club where business women go to do deals with a side order of stripper. Then we'll talk

You're 100% right, Bertrand. I've heard too many stories about women from Eastern Europe, Central Asia, Thailand, Africa etc, some are brought into this country. The OP's DP can't possibly know the girl who will be dancing naked for him is there willingly or has been forced to do it by traffickers.

HappyintheHills · 19/01/2018 13:15

Quite right.
I didn’t stand for the ‘but my friends said...’ line from my children at any age.

April229 · 19/01/2018 13:32

I would just be so turned off by a man who found it sexy to pay a woman to pretend to take a sexual interest in him for five minutes, while her boyfriend waited for her to finish her shift to drive her home.

So lame. A friend of mine used to work behind the bar at a strip club and if your dp heard the way the strippers / lap dancers used to talk about / feel towards the men they danced for I think it might ruin his experience some what.

I think it’s popular for stag dos because so many of the responses here say - i would have a problem with it, unless it was a stag do!

Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 20/01/2018 10:04

Just to update. We spoke yesterday and had a proper talk about things.

He told me that he resented being told what to do and was trying to upset me because of this.

I told him that it wasn’t acceptable to me. He asked if we should end things because we weren’t compatible. I said it’s possible that it will be the best thing.

Anyway, we talked some more and he told me he absolutely didn’t want a lap dance, they didn’t do anything for him and that he would avoid getting one.

So, we appear to have resolved that issue. However, after we had DTD last night I started to cry. So I’m not sure if I even want to be with him anymore.

My head is a mess but I’m not sure I love him anymore

OP posts:
HappyintheHills · 20/01/2018 10:38

I’m not surprised - the best defence he could come up with that he wanted to upset you because you were telling him what to do.

Ironic that the issue is over what he would do if his friends told him what to do. Which was to have a lap dance. Hmm

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 20/01/2018 10:42

He was trying to upset you?

I'm not surprised you're upset. I think I'd have trouble believing him anyway as it sounds like he only backtracked when he realised it was a deal breaker for you. All of a sudden he can 'avoid' them

Sorry you're going through this

BigBaboonBum · 20/01/2018 10:50

My ex did this, before moving onto prostitutes.
“It means nothing if you pay them” 🤢 Errrrrrrrrrm... no. Not okay with me at least. Maybe it is a jealousy/confidence/whatever issue, I don’t really care, all I know is that it is absolutely never okay

ferntwist · 20/01/2018 12:16

Oh OP, so sorry to read your update. You cried after making love, that’s not the way it should be. Listen to what your heart and mind are telling you. This is not the man for you. Your partner should want to care for you and make you feel good, not hurt you to score points. Leave this man.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 20/01/2018 12:20

Well, as long as he’s not actually getting a lap dance while he’s at the strip club with all his mates who are getting lap dances... Confused

Honestly, you can do better than this.

HairyBallTheorem · 20/01/2018 12:39

OP, listening to this I'd say your relationship is dead in the water at this point. It might continue to float on for a few months, maybe even years, making you increasingly unhappy, but in all honesty you'll be less miserable the sooner you bail out.

bigtissue · 20/01/2018 15:22

Don't have sex with a man you don't love or trust Another, you are only sabotaging your means of moving on Confused

Mummalovex · 20/01/2018 19:19

Just sounds like he's telling you want you want to hear OP, but by this time you've made you're mind up, right? You're not doubting your relationship and he doesn't like it so tries to change his opinion on it all!

Deffo will be better off without him! You can do this! Sorry you're in such a horrible situation x

Mummalovex · 20/01/2018 19:20

You're doubting*

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