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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About his attitude to lap dances

255 replies

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 11:41

I’m currently having a discussion with my DP about our attitudes to strip clubs and lap dances.

I’m against the whole thing for two reasons. Firstly, I think strip clubs treat women as commodities to be bought and promotes negative attitudes to women. Secondly, I hate the idea of my DP paying for another woman to get naked and dance in his lap. This really upsets me. I know he is always going to find other women attractive but to actually pay for someone to turn him on on a 1-2-1 basis feels disrespectful to me.

He has just said that I’ve got no right to tell him what to do and if he were to go on a stag do where it was expected of him then he would be getting a lap dance.

I feel pretty devastated about this. I know I can’t force him not to do something but I did hope he would take my feelings into account.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 16/01/2018 13:49

The fact that you are even having these conversations is SO depressing.

It's not meant to be like this, OP.

You're meant to be with someone BECAUSE there isn't a need for these kind of conversations, because you have similar outlooks, and respect each other.

He doesn't respect you. He also doesn't think you're serious about leaving... because he doesn't resepct you! You're the 'little woman'. The 'nag' who will moan and get upset but fuck it. She'll shut up eventually.

Not all men are like this.

Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 13:54

He went on a stag do a few weeks ago but said they didn’t go to any strip clubs so it wasn’t an issue.

He went out with his friends on Saturday night though and his phone died so I didn’t hear from him until late on Sunday after getting a bit worried. His friend was apparently talking about how, on a separate night out, he had wanted to go to a strip club but backed out at the last minute. I don’t know if this has perhaps made him think about the issue again.

OP posts:
TimeforCupcakes · 16/01/2018 13:59

I can’t live with him having a naked woman on him or his attitude to me when I’ve expressed upset about this.
I think you've answered your own question here OP. YANBU at all, he is. Imo a lapdance is cheating. Yes there may be a no-touching rule but you have a naked woman gyrating in front of you for your enjoyment. How is that not cheating?

Trinity66 · 16/01/2018 14:03

He went out with his friends on Saturday night though and his phone died so I didn’t hear from him until late on Sunday after getting a bit worried.

He didn't come home that night?

bigtissue · 16/01/2018 14:06

Don't do the dance, get rid. You know why.

Idontdowindows · 16/01/2018 14:15

I wouldn't be with a man who thinks women are objects to buy.

Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 14:20

He didn’t come home but I wasn’t expecting him to.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 16/01/2018 14:23

He didn’t come home but I wasn’t expecting him to.

Oh ok

Pseudousername · 16/01/2018 14:25

Sounds to me like he's already been and already had the lap dance. He's trying to get you to say "oh okay then, it's fine", in case it comes out and he is rumbled in future.

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/01/2018 14:30

YANBU OP. I think lap dances are cheating, on par with snogging someone else. I can’t see it any other way. Everything else seems like mental gymnastics to me.

NoFanJoe · 16/01/2018 14:34

He cares about what his friends think, and about doing whatever he wants. He doesn't care about how you think and feel. He barely cares enough to discuss it. Maybe there are some overwhelming reasons you're with him, but I'm not seeing it.

Trinity66 · 16/01/2018 14:36

Sounds to me like he's already been and already had the lap dance. He's trying to get you to say "oh okay then, it's fine", in case it comes out and he is rumbled in future.

sounds likely to me

Bluntness100 · 16/01/2018 14:43

Does not bother me at all if a good club.

The women. Earn a lot of money and are proud off what they do.
There is no touching.
It's three mins of titallation from a woman he won't see again and who wouldn't touch him with a barge pole in real life. To her, she's just doing her job.
So what if he gets aroused. It's a natural bodily reaction.

If he chose to go on his own, or repeatedly. yup I'd have an issue, but a one off on a stag do and to a good club, nah, i would be more curious than anything,

ShatnersWig · 16/01/2018 14:49

Man here. Never been in a strip club or on a stag do that involved them. Every bloke I've ever known who had a stag do basically did things like a round of golf followed by a curry and drinks or just drinks. One did go to Dublin to tour the Guinness factory, watch a football match and then curry and drinks.

I agree you can't tell a grown adult what they can or can't do. You can tell him how you feel and react accordingly to how he reacts. The bit that really pisses me off is this: if he were to go on a stag do where it was expected of him then he would be getting a lap dance

EXPECTED? Fuck sake, he's not much of a man if he still succumbs to peer pressure like he's in the bloody playground. She's either a sheep or a lemming. Neither make good partners.

I'd happily leave someone over this. Shows a lack of respect to you, let alone other women, and an inability to be his own person around a bunch of morons.

bemusedSpectator · 16/01/2018 14:53

I guess OP, you need to decide 'he thinks he can buy women' extrapolated to 'he despises you and is misogynistic' is true or if those posters live in alternative universe waiting to be slighted by men and the patriarchy.

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 16/01/2018 14:53

Trinity I guess just because where I am it's the thing they do - someone says 'stag do' and they all run to the nearest strip club. They do other things too, but a strip club is always on the cards.

OP something doesn't sound right, it's like he's testing the water to see what happens when you find out he's been. Seriously, you've told him it makes you uncomfortable and he's refusing to acknowledge it or change his behaviour. Get rid of him, things won't get any better - if you have children with him and he refuses to compromise on things then it's going to be a disaster, even worse if you have children and then you split up.

Sorry he so awful.

TrinitySquirrel · 16/01/2018 15:05

What about male strip clubs OP and women who hire male strippers? I'm pretty confident they get assaulted more at a venue than women working in a legit strip joint (yes they exist). I am female btw before anyone says anything.

And I was the one encouraging my husband to get a stripper on his stag do!

BertrandRussell · 16/01/2018 15:12

And when you come up with some information about men being exploited and trafficked into the sex industry, about seedy clubs where business women go for a “grope” on the way home from work, or lap dancing clubs where groups of women go to drink and make business deals while men dance for their pleasure then draw your parallels between male and female strippers......

TeeBee · 16/01/2018 15:16

Utterly grim.
I note DP and not DH. You have an easy out.

Reddlion · 16/01/2018 15:21

I don't care if my partner goes to strip clubs what he spends 20 pounds on a dance he spends more on me. Really not insecure like that and trust me the women have no interest in your partner.
my best friend is a stripper

Reddlion · 16/01/2018 15:22

and can I just say stripping is a choice, this is not like prostitution they are not forced to me there and can work when they like.

TeeBee · 16/01/2018 15:25

I think you're missing the point Reddlion. It's nothing to do with feeling insecure or feeling that a partner might skip into the sunset with a stripper...its about the lack of respect from a partner obtaining physical sexual thrills from someone else. I expect my partner to do that only with me. If there is a difference of opinion on that, it would be a 'no' from me.

Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 15:27

TBH, I’m not interested in whether the dancers are interested in my DP. This is not my concern- I’m not in a monogamous relationship with the dancers so they owe me nothing.

I’m bothered about him paying another woman (whose situation neither he or I know) to get naked and sexually excite him. Then he expects me to be ok with that and effectively makes no effort to compromise.

It just goes to show he doesn’t give a fuck about anything but himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 15:28

And no, he rarely spends £20 on me. I didn’t even get a Christmas present this year.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 16/01/2018 15:29

Um, and you're with him WHY precisely? Seems strip clubs is merely a tip of an iceberg...