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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About his attitude to lap dances

255 replies

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 11:41

I’m currently having a discussion with my DP about our attitudes to strip clubs and lap dances.

I’m against the whole thing for two reasons. Firstly, I think strip clubs treat women as commodities to be bought and promotes negative attitudes to women. Secondly, I hate the idea of my DP paying for another woman to get naked and dance in his lap. This really upsets me. I know he is always going to find other women attractive but to actually pay for someone to turn him on on a 1-2-1 basis feels disrespectful to me.

He has just said that I’ve got no right to tell him what to do and if he were to go on a stag do where it was expected of him then he would be getting a lap dance.

I feel pretty devastated about this. I know I can’t force him not to do something but I did hope he would take my feelings into account.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:

Reddlion · 16/01/2018 15:32

teebee i get he should respect that she isn't comfortable with it and not go but I'm talking in general
guys don't always go for dances some of them go along with friends and just stay and have a drink.
I say insecure because the fact there are going to be women in underwear of next to nothing walking around seems to get some women's back up, the fact is you can see simular in magazine, porn or the beach what is the difference you cannot hide your partners in a bubble from other women.

I personally don't mind a guy getting a dance but spending on VIP or going regularly I would have an issue with.

Reddlion · 16/01/2018 15:34

And no, he rarely spends £20 on me. I didn’t even get a Christmas present this year

op why are you with this guy seriously?

Reddlion · 16/01/2018 15:34

how long have you been together?

Original poster

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 15:35

I hear what you’re saying but I do think there is a difference between seeing a woman on the beach or in a magazine and paying a woman to dance, get naked and turn you on.

I’m not at all insecure. I just do not want my DP to have another naked woman grinding on him. If it was fucking Janice down the street on top of him, this wouldn’t be acceptable so why is it ok to pay someone to do the same?

OP posts:

CoffeeMilkNoSugar · 16/01/2018 15:40

OP, please tell me, Why are you with that muppet at all? Is your self-esteem so low that you truly believe you don't deserve someone better?

Trust me, you do.

whiskyowl · 16/01/2018 15:43

He didn't get you a Chrismas present?

Seriously, it doesn't sound like he does anything to make you feel valued.

You can do way better than this. You really can.

TeeBee · 16/01/2018 15:59

Totally agree with everything you're saying OP. Sack him off. Find someone who respects.

Courtneygainxx · 16/01/2018 16:01

I would be very upset if my OH went to a strip club, only because he has a loving loyal wife at home, so why would he want to surround himself with naked women? Even if it is a stag do, I still wouldn't be happy one bit, most people say 'it's your last night of freedom' but it's not, the moment you committed yourself to someone was the time you didn't have freedom (with regards to other women) I would actually be very upset and hurt by this, obviously everyone has their own opinion, and some women don't see any harm in it, but personally I don't agree.

Courtneygainxx · 16/01/2018 16:03

Also, why would you want your OH to be turned on my other women? Dancing around with her chest in his face? Completely disrespectful I'm I say so.

Original poster

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 16:29

We’ve been together about 4 and a half years.

I don’t think I will ever be able to make peace with the idea of him getting a lap dance and his reaction.

How could he expect me to have sex with him after doing that? Quite simply, this is a massive turn off.

OP posts:

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 16/01/2018 16:33

You’ve hit the nail on the head there op! It’s a massive turn off. Also, saying he’d rather hurt you than be embarrassed in front of his friends, (even if it means having a lap dance, which is something he says he won’t even enjoy), makes him sound like a spineless baby. Icky.

InternetHoopJumper · 16/01/2018 16:40

I think the men who go to stripclubs, prostitutes or any other persons being paid for a sexual-act and the men who are okay with this really show how much repsect they have for women and women's bodies. Which is not much at all.

Anyone you can treat as a commidity, is a person you clearly look down upon. You wouldn't like to be treated like that yourself, so it's hypocritical to treat another human being that way.

BurningStar · 16/01/2018 16:41

Deal breaker for me.

IMO - Going to see other women dancing naked and getting turned on etc is disrespectful. My finance knows and understands this. If he was to go to a strip club now, he'd do so knowing how much it would hurt me and that to me is unforgivable.

I feel the same about male strippers. I'd never go to see one and disrespect my partner that way.

BitOfFun · 16/01/2018 16:50

"No DC?

Honestly, honestly. DUMP HIM.

You are FREE to walk away. You're getting one HUGE flashing warning sign here - not only his sleazy nature, but also the fact that he thinks it's ok and isn't willing to modify ANY behaviour over something that makes you unhappy. Listen to this!!!! - it will affect your whole life. Especially with kids.

Not just about strip clubs either - he's basically saying, I don't give a shit about your feelings. I'll do what I want to do with my life and you can just STFU.

Leave now. Choose to say - that's not good enough for me. i want a better man - one who is my friend, one who has better morals, one who is kinder and not a sexist shit. That's what I want as the father of my children."

Exactly this ^

MadamMinacious · 16/01/2018 16:56

I've been using forums for years and this topic pops up all the time. Some people aren't bothered about this kind of thing, some are (for a number of reasons). Personally I am and have been against use of women in the sex industry for a number of years and many moons ago was involved in some research in it (for academic purposes) which involved a number of interviews with various women in the industry (from phone workers to prostitutes and all in between) I can assure you that experience only strengthened my views on this subject. I think it affects ALL women so even if I hear that the lap dancer in question is the happiest lap dancer that ever squirmed it wouldn't make a jot of difference to me because it isn't just about her (or him).

However, that's only my opinion and what matters in your relationship is your view and how you feel. It is true you cannot make someone kowtow to your beliefs and feelings (apparently, unless you follow some fantastical, currently fashionable liberal ideology - but that's another story) but you are responsible for your reaction to it. So if this idea is an absolute NO to you then you have to decide how to move forward. Chances are you would keep returning to the issue if he did visit a lap dancer and worrying it over in your mind and that path can lead to insecurity and even anger - if that's the case you have to decide if you can put up with it. It's a big NO for me but I was very clear about this before we got serious and I would actually leave. I don't expect everyone to see it the way I do but I do know it would have caused irreparable damage to our relationship from my perspective so it would be over anyway - the choices being slow erosion with constant returns to the issue and loss of trust or just a clean break.

OP only you can decide. If he goes to a lap dancer will it just destroy the trust and how you feel about him? Chances are that would just be the slow route to the end.

MadamMinacious · 16/01/2018 16:59

Oh I wish this place had an edit - I always remember something after I've posted.

I'm sure others have said this too but in a relationship we take into account how important the other person is to us and sometimes we compromise on issues if it is that important. I'm not sure this man is too fussed about how YOU feel and that may well be indicative of how important you are to him.

g1itterati · 16/01/2018 17:26

I couldn't be bothered with this for more than 5 mins. How do you find the energy to listen to him?

You need to respect the man you are with. This one has no self-respect. He's a spineless sleaze - what is the point of men like this really?

Original poster

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 18:12

I think it will erode my self esteem.

OP posts:

MrsDustyBusty · 16/01/2018 18:14

Well there's your answer.

Branleuse · 16/01/2018 18:22

He sounds like a whingy sleazebag, and tbh i think he brought up the conversation because he probably did that and more on the last stag do.

I think I would be backing away from this one before you invest even more of your precious time

gingertigercat · 16/01/2018 18:25

I couldn't stay with someone with this attitude. Like you said, if he came home to find some naked guy rubbing his penis in your face that you had paid to do so he would find it unacceptable. Why is it ok for him to pay a girl then?

donquixotedelamancha · 16/01/2018 18:46

if he were to go on a stag do where it was expected of him then he would be getting a lap dance.

It's not expected of you. I've put up with going to lap dancing clubs on a couple of stag dos- about half of the lads just sit in a corner and scowl together.

There are rules- no man is going to insist another has a vulva waved in his face, just as we don't tell off those who do.

And no, he rarely spends £20 on me. I didn’t even get a Christmas present this year.

Oh, he sounds a keeper.

Original poster

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 19:13

I'm sorry that I've effectively ranted on here all day. You've no idea how much it has helped.

Thanks.

OP posts:

Courtneygainxx · 16/01/2018 19:20

No need to apologise! I completely agree with everyone you've said today!

Courtneygainxx · 16/01/2018 19:28

Everything, bloody autocorrect!

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