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AIBU?

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Original poster

About his attitude to lap dances

255 replies

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 11:41

I’m currently having a discussion with my DP about our attitudes to strip clubs and lap dances.

I’m against the whole thing for two reasons. Firstly, I think strip clubs treat women as commodities to be bought and promotes negative attitudes to women. Secondly, I hate the idea of my DP paying for another woman to get naked and dance in his lap. This really upsets me. I know he is always going to find other women attractive but to actually pay for someone to turn him on on a 1-2-1 basis feels disrespectful to me.

He has just said that I’ve got no right to tell him what to do and if he were to go on a stag do where it was expected of him then he would be getting a lap dance.

I feel pretty devastated about this. I know I can’t force him not to do something but I did hope he would take my feelings into account.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 12:39

I even said to him it wouldn’t be LTB territory if he was bought a lap dance and couldn’t really refuse it. I’m not prepared to erode my self respect any further.

No DC fortunately. That’s another thing - I don’t want to be sitting with DC in five years time trying to avoid telling them that Daddy is currently at a strip club.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 16/01/2018 12:40

And why should you live with it, exactly?

Isn't the idea of relationships getting together with someone you share views with, who you feel in tune with, who you LIKE because you think they're basically good, kind, right-thinking people?

What you have here is someone you think differently to on a very impotant issue. This tells you a lot about him, and none of it is good.

If you had a knackered car, you wouldn't be angsting over whether you coudl 'live with' no headlights or brakes, or even a horrid uncomfy seat.

You'd change it for something you were happy with and which suited you.

Don't 'live with' anything. Why should you?

mummmy2017 · 16/01/2018 12:41

Do you think men in their minds build a strip club up to be some sort of OTT amazing thing, that they can do on a Stag, like pack mentality, when in reality they are being taken for a ride and ROBBED of their money by predatory female.
After all these females don't care about shape size or sexiness of the male, the same woman who performs for your husband would willing do the same for the Spotty youth who just had a dance an the man with the beer belly who flashed her 3 times the amount your husband was willing to pay.
Don't you thing if instead of being outraged, you pointed out what a MUG he is being for paying for something, that the woman views in the same light as her going upto a cash point, pressing the right numbers and taking her cash.. you might get him to see the MUG painted on his forehead..
Infact I'd be taking the P* out of him and take to dancing in front of him and then holding my hand out for a fiver...

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 16/01/2018 12:43

He’s told you straight up that he cares more about what his friends think than he does about hurting you. He is weak and has no respect for women.

What if his friends decide to go hire some prostitutes on a big night out? What if some random woman hits on him in a bar and his friends think he’s “lame” if he doesn’t fuck her?

You keep pointing out again and again that you’re shocked that he doesn’t care about your feelings on this. He doesn’t. He made it very clear. Take it a bit further - what else won’t he care about your opinions on?

Don’t have kids with this man. Dump him now and run for the hills. He’s pathetic.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/01/2018 12:44

No DC?

Honestly, honestly. DUMP HIM.

You are FREE to walk away. You're getting one HUGE flashing warning sign here - not only his sleazy nature, but also the fact that he thinks it's ok and isn't willing to modify ANY behaviour over something that makes you unhappy. Listen to this!!!! - it will affect your whole life. Especially with kids.

Not just about strip clubs either - he's basically saying, I don't give a shit about your feelings. I'll do what I want to do with my life and you can just STFU.

Leave now. Choose to say - that's not good enough for me. i want a better man - one who is my friend, one who has better morals, one who is kinder and not a sexist shit. That's what I want as the father of my children.

fantasmasgoria1 · 16/01/2018 12:46

Deal breaker for me. If he said to me he would be getting a lap dance at a stag do I would tell him not to come home again ever!

PinkyBlunder · 16/01/2018 12:51

Here’s a MN special for you OP: he’s telling you who he really is, listen to him.

He cares more about ‘looking like a twat’ in front of his mates than your feelings.

Bin him.

AngelsSins · 16/01/2018 12:52

I would leave him with the thought then that with this in mind, it's clearly fine for you to have a naked man grind on you then (paid for, or not), or maybe for you to have a bit of dirty dancing with a random guy? If that's the boundaries he wants to put in place in the relationship, than he has to understand that it works both ways.

Having said that, you don't have to accept his choices, you can make your own.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 16/01/2018 12:52

He is implying that you’re controlling with the whole “I’ll do what I like” attitude, which also suggests that he sees you as stereotypical “nagging, needy female”, rather than a complete human being with informed opinions. It goes along with the rest of his misogynistic attitude. Dump.

LadyBunnysWig · 16/01/2018 12:57

I think my views on this are a bit different to most as my twin worked in a strip club. She now is the manager Of one.
She works there because she wants to. No pressure from the outside world for her to work there, she feels empowered, sexy and confident. Her decision.
I have no issue what do ever with my DH going into strip clubs and appreciating the pole dancers (amazing body strength btw) and appreciated the female body. I wouldn't be too happy with him having a dance and certainly not in a private room. But it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. I would be hurt, and if he was off doing it every weekend then that would be a deal breaker, but providing he was honest with me I could find a way to look past it.

BertrandRussell · 16/01/2018 12:59

And when you come up with some information about men being exploited and trafficked into the sex industry, about seedy clubs where business women go for a “grope” on the way home from work, or lap dancing clubs where groups of women go to drink and make business deals while men dance for their pleasure then draw your parallels between male and female strippers......

ArcheryAnnie · 16/01/2018 13:01

He has just said that I’ve got no right to tell him what to do and if he were to go on a stag do where it was expected of him then he would be getting a lap dance.

You don't have a "right" to tell him what to do. You don't have a "right" to demand that he doesn't cheat, or treat women like meat.

But you do have a right to walk away from your relationship when your partner cheats, and when he treats women like meat, both of which he would be doing if he gets a lap dance.

PricklyBall · 16/01/2018 13:04

Regardless of the morals of the sex industry (and I'm on your side on this one), you have two problems OP. (1) you and your partner have fundamentally different moral beliefs on something that's not going to go away and can't be compromised on and (2) he thinks he is more important than you. (2) in particular is simply not compatible with a successful LTR.

From my experience (wasn't lap dancing, was my ex's uncompromising belief that his career was more important than mine) and from that of friends, I'd say your choices are call quits on the relationship now, or five years down the line (when either there are children in the picture to be screwed up by the split, or you've lost five years of your fertility). I personally wish I'd walked when it first became apparent to me that my ex was a self-centred arse who didn't give a shit about my views.

Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 13:07

I’ve said that to him - that I know I can’t tell him what to do but that it is a deal breaker for me.

The icing on the cake is his dismissive attitude. He thinks I should be ok with this as everyone both male and female should have the right to see other people naked.

Honestly, reading my posts back, it sounds like I’m on a wind up. I didn’t realise he was this much of a cold uncaring person.

As long as he gets to act clever in front of his friends, it doesn’t matter that his relationship of many years will be over. Hmm I don’t think he thinks that I am serious.

OP posts:
throwcushions · 16/01/2018 13:18

This might be an interesting perspective: I have been to strip clubs and had private dances on more than one occasion when single (I have had relationships with both men and women but the lapdances were more when I was young and out for a laugh with friends iyswim). My husband hates the whole idea of them and would probably refuse even on a stag do. He would definitely not get a private dance. I wouldn't either as it is really quite intimate and I think that would be very disrespectful

throwcushions · 16/01/2018 13:21

Oh and if my friends wanted me to go to a strip club as part of a hen do I would speak to DH and check what he was comfortable with. Your OH sounds quite dismissive and uncaring on this issue. Is that true in any other respect?

TheHolidayArmadillo · 16/01/2018 13:22

The icing on the cake is his dismissive attitude. I think this is the more pressing concern, and it makes the strip club issue a bit of a red herring/distraction.

CoffeeMilkNoSugar · 16/01/2018 13:24

I just wish to say that supporting the sex industry is absolutely disgusting. I'd guess that for every woman who dances out of her own free will, there will be 10 women and girls around the world who are forced into it. Why do I think so? Business.

Some clubs will pay the women well. Other 'businessmen' will seek to decrease costs and maximise profits. Easiest way? Abduct/coerce women into selling themselves. Keep the profits.

Supporting these establishments with one's custom, ethical or not, makes one indirectly responsible for the above.

Trinity66 · 16/01/2018 13:25

CoffeeBreakIn5
Trinity none of them? Really??

No lol, why is that hard to believe? It's not that common a thing to do on a stag among the men I know really

Cookiek10 · 16/01/2018 13:28

I wouldn’t be able to be with someone who said that. If it was a stag do of a close friend and strip clubs were involved then I could just about handle him going as long as he didn’t get a private dance. I’d still be fed up about it though. If he got a 1-2-1 dance then i’d end it

SilverySurfer · 16/01/2018 13:29

I would ask him if he's ok with you having a naked male grinding and bumping in your lap. If he said no, then why does he assume it's ok for him? If he said yes it would make me seriously consider whether his feelings for me matched mine for him.

Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 13:42

He has said he wouldn’t mind me getting a naked dance from a man. However, this is said from the perspective that I’ve always been clear this is not something I am interested in doing. I suspect that he would mind in reality but can only go on what he says.

He says I’m over-reacting, as he currently has no stag dos booked. He can’t grasp that I don’t want to be more enmeshed in his life and then have to deal with him swanning off for a lap dance.

We have previously talked about this and he agreed at that stage that if it ever happened he would stop short of the lap dance.

Talking about it now (he raised the issue) he is saying something different.

OP posts:
Pseudousername · 16/01/2018 13:45

I think I'd have a pretty hard time believing him if he came back from a stag do and said he stopped short of the full shabang OP.

Lizzie48 · 16/01/2018 13:45

His attitude towards you is appalling, that's what you should focus on here, OP. For that reason alone you should walk away.

My own opinion about strip clubs is that, while there are girls that go into it willingly, the majority will be women and girls trafficked from other parts of the world. I work with a charity that helps Central Asian women, many of whom have been trafficked into the sex industry. The customers don't know or care which of the girls entertaining them are there willingly.

whiskyowl · 16/01/2018 13:46

Is this something hypothetical, or is he actually doing this regularly?? Because it sounds very (suspiciously?) considered on his part. Like it's something that has already happened...