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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About his attitude to lap dances

255 replies

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 11:41

I’m currently having a discussion with my DP about our attitudes to strip clubs and lap dances.

I’m against the whole thing for two reasons. Firstly, I think strip clubs treat women as commodities to be bought and promotes negative attitudes to women. Secondly, I hate the idea of my DP paying for another woman to get naked and dance in his lap. This really upsets me. I know he is always going to find other women attractive but to actually pay for someone to turn him on on a 1-2-1 basis feels disrespectful to me.

He has just said that I’ve got no right to tell him what to do and if he were to go on a stag do where it was expected of him then he would be getting a lap dance.

I feel pretty devastated about this. I know I can’t force him not to do something but I did hope he would take my feelings into account.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 12:12

I’m not trying to isolate him from his friends- I am not going to make a huge deal about him going into a club (although I don’t agree with it). That’s not relationship ending material for me personally.

If I got a male friend to give me a naked lap dance he would not be happy. So why does paying for it make it ok?

OP posts:
g1itterati · 16/01/2018 12:14

OP - in life there are men with integrity and men who are low-lives.

If he doesn't see your argument for himself (as an adult), then he's a lost cause really. It's not up to you to explain what he is too limited to understand.

He is tacky, shallow and ignorant. This is the life he will lead and this is the type of partner he will ultimately be capable of attracting.

Don't waste another day of your life on this. Dump him, tell him why and move on.

Pauliem · 16/01/2018 12:15

I think there are two separate scenarios:

  1. Stag Do

I've only ever been to a strip club on a Stag-do, so my experience is not vast. I think you would be surprised that the atmosphere is not really very different to a pub and it is surprisingly boring. In the club I went to, the women wanted to be there (and being paid quite handsomely for doing so). Unreasonable to object? Not really, but I wouldn't get too upset about it

  1. Strip-club independent of Stag-do.

Bit desperate/weird - But given how boring they are, I'd doubt he'd go again after having been once (has he ever been to one?).

IrkThePurist · 16/01/2018 12:16

Is it ok for him to get your best friend to lap dance for him if he pays her?

peachgreen · 16/01/2018 12:17

Dealbreaker for me. To be honest I'm not sure I could be with a man who even wanted to go to a strip club, but I appreciate not all women feel that way.

Aki23 · 16/01/2018 12:17

I cant say much as Im going on my second labies night with friends where there will be strippers. I discussed this with DH before booking and if he asked me to go to something similar I don't think I would have a problem.

Magicmoments22 · 16/01/2018 12:17

*ladies

Pseudousername · 16/01/2018 12:18

@Chuggachugga paying another woman to actively engage in seducing him would be tantamount to cheating for me.

No problem with actually going to the bar but paying for a dance would make me feel I was not good enough for him and that he didn't give two shits about my feelings. Luckily my husband has no interest in it!

OP I would seriously be questioning why your husband is planning to go ahead with this at the cost of your feelings - does he really need a lap dance from a stranger that badly?

Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 12:19

He says he doesn’t want to look like a ‘twat’ in front of his mates and they getting a lap dance will be expected.

OP posts:
TheHolidayArmadillo · 16/01/2018 12:19

YANBU in the slightest. It would be a dealbreaker for me too, and not even from a cheating perspective. Similarly, I would never go to an event that featured male strippers.

Other people are perfectly entitled to their own feelings, but I couldn't be with someone who felt differently on a topic that I view as so important. I'm lucky that my DH also thinks that strip clubs are awful places.

theyoniwayisnorthwards · 16/01/2018 12:21

I wouldn't feel jealous or be bothered about him being turned on by another woman, I see that as natural and normal.

I would be upset by someone close to me choosing to engage in what I see as an exploitative situation for young women who are often disenfranchised in some way (I know there are nuances to this debate)

I would be horrified by the lack of consideration and respect it shows for him to ignore and dismiss your feelings on the matter.

Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 12:22

He says that he doesn’t like them and that he has no interest in getting a lap dance.

But then goes onto say he will get one.

I’m pretty upset at him and his attitude to me.

OP posts:
Eltonjohnssyrup · 16/01/2018 12:22

Deal breaker for me. It's cheating.

Dipitydoda · 16/01/2018 12:23

I find it difficult to be bothered by the whole lap dancing club thing tbh. Maybe cos I have mainly male friends and work in a largely male dominated area. Most blokes seem to see it as a bit of a laugh as in coot blimey look at her. I’ve yet to meet a bloke that sees it as really sexual tbh. Ie goes there to get turned on

Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 12:23

I understand that he will be turned on by other women. Specifically paying for this is a step too far to me.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 16/01/2018 12:25

Well there you go - he is what he is!

Which is, to me and a LOT of other people - sub-standard.

He's a misogynist. He's a sleaze. He's also a coward! - more worried about 'looking a twat in front of his mates' than anything else? Yuck.

It's entirely up to you how you see him and whether now you know what kind of sub-man he is, whether you want to ditch him and not settle. I know I would. I couldn't respect a creature like this, and there is no real relationship without that, I think. Oh you can rub along happily enough but there's a part of you that will despise him. And, incidentally, his loser group of chosen 'friends'.

Cut your losses.

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 16/01/2018 12:25

Trinity none of them? Really??

OP, yes your DH can do what he likes, but when his DW has expressed that certain behaviours upset her and he carries on then that makes him an arsehole. But what is it that upsets you so much? Private dances or being there in general?

Most women who work in those places do so of their own free will, it's very rare that a woman would be dancing against her will. Of course there are exceptions, there is with everything, but it's unlikely. They don't bother me really, DH can go without needing to check first but then again we have no history of issues with trust etc. He's only ever been for stag dos and I'm fine with that. Not sure how I'd feel if it was a regular occurrence, maybe I'd feel differently.

Pseudousername · 16/01/2018 12:27

@Dipitydoda I too work in a largely male dominated industry and I have to say that my experience is the opposite of yours. The guys that go for the lapdances are usually the serial cheaters and they absolutely do go to get turned on.

IrkThePurist · 16/01/2018 12:27

He cant stand up to peer pressure from his mates, does that concern you?
Can you see any potential problems with that in the future?

DunedinGirl · 16/01/2018 12:28

If he has to do something he doesn't want to do to please his friends, his friends are jerks and he's being ridiculous and weak-willed. Or he's using them as an excuse and spinning you a line. Which makes him a jerk.

Either way strip clubs are gross, lap dances are sleazy and it would be a dealbreaker for me.

Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 12:29

I don’t like the idea of even being in there but can live with it.

I can’t live with him having a naked woman on him or his attitude to me when I’ve expressed upset about this.

OP posts:
g1itterati · 16/01/2018 12:29

OP, why do you even need to ask about this?
He has revealed what he is - he is spineless and substandard.
You need to respect your partner. Without respect you have nothing.
He has no self-respect, let alone respect for you or anyone else.
Stop wondering about the ins-and-outs if stag/dos versus other scenarios. He has told you who he is.

purplelass · 16/01/2018 12:30

Personally I don't have a problem with strip / lap dance clubs as long as it's not a regular thing. To me it's just a bit of entertainment providing the women are looked after properly.

What I do have a problem with is how he's so determined to go ahead with something which obviously upsets you. You need to agree between you what's acceptable behavior and stick with it. It's just respectful...

Spartaca · 16/01/2018 12:31

How unattractive.

tallwivglasses · 16/01/2018 12:35

He strikes me as a wanker with wanker mates. I hope you don't have dc with him. You are being perfectly reasonable to feel the way you do OP.