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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re: DP, his ex and their DC

196 replies

achangeisasgoodasabreakdown · 14/01/2018 22:15

DP has finally got proper visitation with his dc. After years in and out of courts, his ex has been caught lying multiple times, and the judge doesn't believe anything she says. This is all very positive for him and his dc, and I am genuinely happy for him. The only thing is that I am not to be there. He can bring them to our home as long as me and my dc leave for the whole time. When he first said this, I said ok, especially as his family have said that they don't want to be involved at this point (due to ex's behavior in their home), and that they have a full house of adults and children. And it's their house! They are completely entitled to feel how they feel, and to not want to be involved until his ex proves she is capable of rationality and being reasonable.

The problem is that I've spent all day preparing things, and now I'm pissed off and upset. I feel that I have been completely dismissed, disregarded, degraded, and disrespected by the courts, her, him, the solicitors,everybody. Not only me, but my relationship with him and my DC as well.

I would understand if we were talking of a relationship of a few months, but we've been together and living together for years. The cafcass officer said that my involvement would be invaluable for my DP, but seemingly nobody else agreed.

AIBU to say that my DC and I don't want to be shoved out of our home, and that until I can be present, I don't want visitation in my home?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 14/01/2018 22:17

I know it's easier said than done but I would bite the bullet and do it for the good of your Dh and his kids.

I imagine it's not forever, just until things level out?

ChasedByBees · 14/01/2018 22:18

Is this court ordered / agreed that there’s no contact with you? Seems a strange agreement (I have zero experience of this). However, as it’s taken a while to get to this point, I would be pissed off but accommodating. Also plan for how and when you can change this. They will benefit from being part of his life fully.

MakeMisogynyAHateCrime · 14/01/2018 22:22

How often does he have contact?

Allthewaves · 14/01/2018 22:24

Is this court ordered? Im not experienced in this area but it would seem odd that a judge ordered u not to be in your home

derangedmermaid · 14/01/2018 22:26

I feel your pain. I'll be going through the same very soon and I don't doubt I'll be excluded also. As will my children whom step children adore.

In terms of my relationship, dp and I will be forced to separate if that is the outcome. I just want the next few months to be over with so I have an answer.

Hausfrauenvy · 14/01/2018 22:26

Either you are leaving out a lot of the facts in this situation or you don't know them.

MaggieS41 · 14/01/2018 22:26

Sounds harsh. How old are your kids and his DC with his ex?

I’m assuming visitation doesn’t include overnight?

SlowlyShrinking · 14/01/2018 22:26

Is it overnight or just for a few hours? I wouldn’t accommodate overnight, but daytime would be ok, although I wouldn’t be happy

derangedmermaid · 14/01/2018 22:28

And no, you're not BU in one sense, that it's you and your DCs home.

But it's also your partner and his DCs home too. Which complicates things.

This is why myself and DP will be separating. It will be an impossible agreement to uphold and DP needs to see his children.

Original poster
achangeisasgoodasabreakdown · 14/01/2018 22:29

It would be 3 times a week for the next 6 months. Solicitor said that she got this because she got none of her other demands.

I should add that she has summoned me to a separate court as she thinks she should get more CM from my earnings. CM was a private agreement from his proposal. We used the calculator, and we did take into account that we have two incomes, so he does pay more than the recommendation based on his income.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 14/01/2018 22:30

Is your absence ordered by the court? I think that's quite unusual.

I would probably do it but be pissed off if court ordered.

If not court ordered I would not be keen.

Surely it would be better for your dp to take his kids out somewhere if they absolutely can't have contact with you. That would be more normal than expecting you to leave your house every time.

Snowysky20009 · 14/01/2018 22:31

If it means he can start a new relationship with his children why aren't you supporting this?

HoHoHoHo · 14/01/2018 22:34

It's your and your dc's home and you should not have to leave. It's sending a horrible message to your children.

Will your dp compromise by sometimes taking his child out so you can be in your own home?

StepAwayFromGoogle · 14/01/2018 22:34

Eh? Why would they order that you are your DC have to be out of the home? That's pretty unusual.

When you say you have been together 'years', how long is that exactly? And how long have you been living together? That may have been a deciding factor. It seems like there is a lot of missing information here, OP.

I'm guessing that the judge has ordered things the way they have been to make it a stress-free as possible environment for your partner's children. In that case I'd say YABU. His relationship with his children has to come first.

FitBitFanClub · 14/01/2018 22:34

So, you're not good enough to be allowed to remain in your own home during visitation, but your salary is deemed good enough to be taken into account for her CM?

Fuck that!

KinkyAfro · 14/01/2018 22:35

Because it's her and the kids home snowy

Original poster
achangeisasgoodasabreakdown · 14/01/2018 22:36

Hausfrauenvy - I'm leaving out things which are outing, but I know all the facts.

Stompy Court have said that I can't be there, but they haven't said that it has to be my house. It could be in his family's home, but they have said that they don't want to open themselves up to the ex's behavior. And the solicitor has said not to take them out somewhere, I think to minimize the chances of being followed (also in the court order)

OP posts:
StepAwayFromGoogle · 14/01/2018 22:38

Just saw the update. What? They can't take CM off you for children that aren't yours. I'm beginning to think this isn't real, OP.

Nanny0gg · 14/01/2018 22:40

Do his children know you?

Original poster
achangeisasgoodasabreakdown · 14/01/2018 22:42

StepAway I swear if this wasn't happening to me I'd think exactly the same thing! And the solicitor has said the same. That she can't get any CM from me. That it's a ploy to cause stress, that it won't go anywhere, that there's no grounds as they aren't my children etc. She seems to think that I earn more than I do, so I should be responsible for him, leaving more of his income for her.

OP posts:
derangedmermaid · 14/01/2018 22:45

@StepAwayFromGoogle actually they can if you are married and have the audacity to go to court. It's fucking disgusting and there's only one type of woman who does that imo.

DPs ex also mentioned doing this to me, but we aren't married so she can do one.

@Hausfrauenvy from my experience of what OP is going through, despite his ex making false police reports about both DP and myself, that the police have checked and put down on record as false, despite her family threatening DP and myself, she seems to get to order exactly what she wants and regardless of any proof DP has, it's HER way or he surrenders his rights to the children. And in doing so gives up any chance of those poor manipulated children ever seeing a normal family and normal relationships.

Mooncuplanding · 14/01/2018 22:49

This is so weird

I know bitter exs often have a problem with new partners being around their children but for a court to agree? Well I've never heard of that.

What were the grounds to say you will stress them out?!!

Hermonie2016 · 14/01/2018 22:50

I can see a judge doing this to assuage her, frustrating as this is.Judges often try to appease if one party is known to be angry.

What happens after 6 months? That would be a factor and also how long is contact.

I think to avoid resentment you need a compromise, especially to avoid your dcs feeling 2nd class citizens.Could it be once a week at your house when you might be out already?

My mantra is always do the right thing for the children but that must also include yours.If it was just you I would say suck it up and get through 6 months.

BrendaUmbrella · 14/01/2018 22:55

Well you (and your dc's) can't be turfed out of your own home 3 times a week for 6 months. That's ridiculous. I could understand it for a week, maybe two, to allow the child some space to get to know their df again, but then it just doesn't work.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 14/01/2018 22:56

Well every day's a school day. I did not know that. She sounds absolutely batsh*t.

Three times a week seems really unreasonable to expect you to be out of your own house with your DC. Is there any chance that will change with time? It can't be a permanent arrangement surely? If so, the courts are batsh*t too.