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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re: DP, his ex and their DC

196 replies

achangeisasgoodasabreakdown · 14/01/2018 22:15

DP has finally got proper visitation with his dc. After years in and out of courts, his ex has been caught lying multiple times, and the judge doesn't believe anything she says. This is all very positive for him and his dc, and I am genuinely happy for him. The only thing is that I am not to be there. He can bring them to our home as long as me and my dc leave for the whole time. When he first said this, I said ok, especially as his family have said that they don't want to be involved at this point (due to ex's behavior in their home), and that they have a full house of adults and children. And it's their house! They are completely entitled to feel how they feel, and to not want to be involved until his ex proves she is capable of rationality and being reasonable.

The problem is that I've spent all day preparing things, and now I'm pissed off and upset. I feel that I have been completely dismissed, disregarded, degraded, and disrespected by the courts, her, him, the solicitors,everybody. Not only me, but my relationship with him and my DC as well.

I would understand if we were talking of a relationship of a few months, but we've been together and living together for years. The cafcass officer said that my involvement would be invaluable for my DP, but seemingly nobody else agreed.

AIBU to say that my DC and I don't want to be shoved out of our home, and that until I can be present, I don't want visitation in my home?

OP posts:
shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 14/01/2018 22:56

YANBU for feeling frustrated and pissed off but I think YABU to consider refusing for the visits to take place in your home

I assume that your DP will continue to argue the case and hopefully it will just be for 6 months

Missingstreetlife · 14/01/2018 22:57

Maybe to establish good relationship between dp and his dc, keeping mother under manners too. Can't be long term.
Would be inclined to agree for short time and ask that it be reviewed in few months.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 14/01/2018 22:58

Oh, sorry, next 6 months - missed that. That's v v v unreasonable of them. Where are you supposed to go?!?

derangedmermaid · 14/01/2018 23:00

I honestly think the courts don't give a shit these days. Especially when they ignore suggestions from actual bodies like CAFCASS as they have with OP.

If you're a man you count for very little unless you can afford a very good lawyer.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/01/2018 23:05

I can’t get my head around this at all.

Where do they expect you and your children to go? What has your DP said about it all?

Original poster
achangeisasgoodasabreakdown · 14/01/2018 23:08

Hermione There's a review in 6 months, possibly sooner as the judge didn't seem to think she would be able to adhere to the court order. He has been advised that he may need to bring it back to court for an enforcement order. Contact is 6 hours sat, 5 hours sun, 3 hours tues.

I have spent our whole relationship supporting him through this. I've bought things for his dc when shopping, like I would for my own. I helped him put together an activity bag, so he's never lost for something to do with them. I am lucky enough to have had a spare bedroom, which I decorated (well, my df and dp did, I chose colours and supervised, from another room, with a cup of tea) and furnished for them (I am not lucky enough to have two, so they will have to share if there's ever overnights, but I have considered giving up our room so that each child could have a room of their own). I know I sound like a petulant child, but I do feel like I literally could not have done anymore to support and encourage him throughout this.

OP posts:
CaledonianQueen · 14/01/2018 23:09

This is completely unreasonable, your children cannot be thrown out of their own home to accommodate your partners dc! Surely you must be able to appeal what is frankly a batshit decision on the Judges part! Surely if he is beginning contact then your dh can start somewhere neutral, until they are used to each other again. But that should be moving towards visits in the home with you and your dc present. This is all kinds of crazy!

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 14/01/2018 23:09

Two words - fuck off.

Why should you and your children have to vacate your home every week? His kids aren't any more important than yours, why should they have to leave their home?

Get back to court and arrange something that will work. What if your children are ill? Do you have to wrap them up and take them out in the middle of winter for fear of pissing off his mental ex?

What if they want a friend round? 'Oh sorry, I can't go home then'

What if contact falls on their birthday?

You know what message that gives them? You're worth less than your step siblings; all that matters is your step dad seeing his kids, we have to leave our home.

What if she wants this to continue? Will you do it three times a week for the rest of their childhood?

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/01/2018 23:11

You sound like a saint, no signs of petulant child so far!

How weird for the children to spend time in your home and know you and your children aren’t ever there when they are.

Can you say how old the DSC are?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 14/01/2018 23:13

It’s not about you, you know that right? The court/judge is trying to appease a very hostile mum. It’s got sod all to do with what you have (or haven’t done). 6 months sounds about right. It all goes well, you’re out the way, relationship re-established. Court will then move it forward.

It’s not forever. There will be an end to this. Just hang on in there.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/01/2018 23:15

Also, when is the contact scheduled to start? I agree it’s a very toxic situation for your own DC.

Any possibility of DP being able to afford a small place so he can see them there for 6 months? Highly unlikely given an extended legal battle which must have cost you a bomb but worth an ask.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/01/2018 23:17

It is about OPs DC ohreallyohreallyoh. How the hell is it fair on them to be second class citizens in their home with them and their mother evicted a few times a week to appease the mental ex?

OP is their mother. She’s responsible for them, not her DPs DC.

Original poster
achangeisasgoodasabreakdown · 14/01/2018 23:20

Just to clarify, the court hasn't said he has to take them to our home, just that my DC and I aren't to be there if he does.

His family's home would be the other option, but they have said that they don't want that at this stage. Their house is very busy, and while they can be present at visitation, his dc aren't to be overwhelmed, which their house definitely could be. So his family have said that they don't wish to be involved at this point.

His solicitor has said that while he can just take them out and about, he shouldn't. His ex has been told that she isn't allowed to follow him, or have anyone else follow him, but the solicitor thinks that the temptation to do so would be too much for her if he was doing that.

DP is too excited to have any kind of conversation with right now. Which I completely understand. All of her accusations have finally been proven wrong, and he is riding the wave of righteous vindication.

OP posts:
Abbylee · 14/01/2018 23:25

What does your ex say about his dc being forced to leave?

wheresthel1ght · 14/01/2018 23:29

Op my dps ex also tried to drag me to court for an increase in her maintenance... She got royally told to fuck off. Even when married my income doesn't come into it. They are her kids with him. The two alone are financially responsible. I provide for them when they are here but I am damned of I am helping her out just because she refuses to work full time.

I would be speaking to the solicitor and getting it back to court. It is utterly I reasonable to force you and your kids out every weekend.

wisterialanes · 14/01/2018 23:31

I was going to say grin and bear it until you said it is three times per week for 6 months. I get that he needs to build a stable, consistent contact pattern with his children, but this is sending a terrible message to your DC. Is this house your joint home, or yours from previous? If he wants to proceed with this then I would be expecting him to make some sort of provision for you and your DC, who are inevitably at best going to be massively inconvenienced by this set up.

Original poster
achangeisasgoodasabreakdown · 14/01/2018 23:37

Abby My ex thinks IABU. He understands why I feel how I feel, but he thinks I need to shut up, say nothing and ride it out.

He's been fully aware of the whole situation, and he and his DP have been a rock of support for me during all this. It's definitely made us realize that we're by no means perfect, but we have always made any decisions in the best interests of our DC. We have had some arguments about stupid things, and we probably will in the future, but we're always trying to see the bigger picture, and work together. If anything it has solidified our positions on parenting our DC.

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 14/01/2018 23:37

How the hell is it fair on them to be second class citizens in their home with them and their mother evicted a few times a week to appease the mental ex?

It’s not fair. I didn’t mean it to come across that way but realise it did. These situations are very difficult. A judge will have assumed that the home is a joint home - which it is, surely? - and will be making decisions based on what ever their experience tells them is right. Did CAFCASS visit you, OP? Was the Officer concerned aware of your children? Do you have family yourself who could help out?

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2018 23:40

Even if the ex does get someone to follow your DP, so what?

What can possibly come of that except precisely zero? Confused

Tell him this is not on and you and your kids will not and cannot leave your home 3 times a bloody week for a total of 14 hours.

Weezol · 14/01/2018 23:41

What are the chances of the contact actually being facilitated? As in will his ex make his children available? This could well be all academic if she doesn't handover.

Do the 'followers' present a serious risk to him and his children? Would their following automatically cause a breach and bounce this back to court?

Sorry for all the questions, but I really hate the idea of you and your children being evicted three times a week because of this awful woman.

derangedmermaid · 14/01/2018 23:44

DP is too excited to have any kind of conversation with right now. Which I completely understand. All of her accusations have finally been proven wrong, and he is riding the wave of righteous vindication.*

This is half the battle isn't it. DP has been no contact (her physically preventing him from seeing them and telling the school lies) for over a year and just the possibility to SEE them outweighs anything at the moment.

No matter what you do, you'll always look unreasonable because they are his kids and it will feel to him like you're making him choose.

Original poster
achangeisasgoodasabreakdown · 14/01/2018 23:49

It's not a joint home. It's mine, although I have always tried to treat it as a joint home.

Cafcass officer didn't visit our home, the ex insisted the officer come from two counties away as 'DP knows a lot of people, so there may be bias if the local office is used', so officer visited ex and DC at home but met DP for coffee, and I joined them after an hour (they called and asked if I could come meet them). Cafcass officer knows about my DC, and that they are preparing to move from primary school to 'big school' My DS has been diagnosed with ASD and ADD, so extra prep work is needed for him. My DD has another year to go, but she's really excited at the idea and would go tomorrow if they'd let her, so she's been massively involving herself in DS prepping.

I did not want to drip feed info, and I realize that that is exactly what I have been doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
achangeisasgoodasabreakdown · 14/01/2018 23:57

Weezol Worra It is a breach of the order, and would bring the review forward, and attach an enforcement order. I am also concerned that this will all be academic, and that she won't facilitate, which will also result in going back to court. She has historically refused to facilitate increases, by moving just outside jurisdiction meaning a new court has to be involved, or saying that they're sick for weeks, and then she feels uncomfortable about the increase as he hasn't seen them in so long.

Derangedmermaid That's exactly it! I don't know how to handle this because I don't want him to think he has to choose between us all.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 14/01/2018 23:57

I think your dp is being massively unreasonable to you and you have absolutely every right to tell him you will not be vacating and he needs to make alternative arrangements with his family. In fact, you owe it to your own DC to take this stance. It's not your DHs house to take over and as much as it's great you try to make it seem all equal, you're coming across as a bit of a mug tbh.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 14/01/2018 23:58

If you can’t see it as a joint home then really there is no other option than for your DP to rent somewhere and spend time with his children there, surely? It may well be a slippery slope with your relationship, however, but it’s kind of a 6 of one, half a dozen of the other situation. Either way, one of you ends up resentful.