AIBU re: DP, his ex and their DC

[achangeisasgoodasabreakdown]

DP has finally got proper visitation with his dc. After years in and out of courts, his ex has been caught lying multiple times, and the judge doesn't believe anything she says. This is all very positive for him and his dc, and I am genuinely happy for him. The only thing is that I am not to be there. He can bring them to our home as long as me and my dc leave for the whole time. When he first said this, I said ok, especially as his family have said that they don't want to be involved at this point (due to ex's behavior in their home), and that they have a full house of adults and children. And it's their house! They are completely entitled to feel how they feel, and to not want to be involved until his ex proves she is capable of rationality and being reasonable.

The problem is that I've spent all day preparing things, and now I'm pissed off and upset. I feel that I have been completely dismissed, disregarded, degraded, and disrespected by the courts, her, him, the solicitors,everybody. Not only me, but my relationship with him and my DC as well.

I would understand if we were talking of a relationship of a few months, but we've been together and living together for years. The cafcass officer said that my involvement would be invaluable for my DP, but seemingly nobody else agreed.

AIBU to say that my DC and I don't want to be shoved out of our home, and that until I can be present, I don't want visitation in my home?

What happens if one of your children gets sick, OP?

It is oppressive, think you should try for short time and go back to court to get variation in order, by which time his dc can say they want to see all the family (his or yours or both). The tide is turning and sounds like your dp will eventually get some sensible arrangement
Good luck

CMS absolutely CANNOT take money from YOUR earnings to subsidise his children!

You must have the patience of a saint. I'd suck it up to start with but quickly try and get it back to court to amend

I have never heard of such an order. We spent a decade in court with DH genuinely crazy ex-w. Which included enforcement and resident change..but NEVER was it suggested that me or my dcbe excluded. We are married and we are a family !

Have you also posted this in 'legal'. Some very knowledgeable family lawyers there will be able to give practical advice.

I would maybe agree to the Tuesdays but everything else will have to happen elsewhere, I would not be taking my children out of their home every weekend for anyone.

Not even other children. Not a chance.

He may have to move out and sort this out himself.

I think I'd be refusing one of the weekend days - he needs to arrange something with his family or take them out regardless of following. Saying you and your DC can never have a full day in your home at the weekend for at least the next 6 months isn't a reasonable request.

Depending on how he presents it could be especially unreasonable for your DS - I have ASD and I sometimes just need a quiet day at home at the weekends, in my own environment to recuperate. Having to go out for half of the day every single weekend day would be a massive problem for me. Obviously your DS might not have that issue but just thinking from an ASD point of view.

I think a lot of responders are missing that the court haven’t ordered her and her children out of their home- but that contact is not to be (currently) with her and her children present. As his family are not willing to assist, her husband is expecting her and the children to leave the home for the visitation to be facilitated. He can take them elsewhere, but there is a belief the ex will follow them/ have others follow them, so a visit in a place she can not enter ensures the contact is private. I understand that he is excited to finally maybe get to see his kids, but he is unreasonable to expect you to do so in this way. Once a week- maybe. Three tunes a week- absolutely not. I have no idea how you move past this and come to an arrangement where you are both happy, but do feel some of his family, somewhere should be helping.

Derangedmermaid That's exactly it! I don't know how to handle this because I don't want him to think he has to choose between us all.

@achangeisasgoodasabreakdown your boat is my boat.

I've read what his ex is asking and I already know we cannot commit logistically to it, let alone emotionally. It essentially leaves me and my dcs as second class citizens and DP will spend half of the week somewhere else which eviscerates our relationship at its core and removes any possibility of us having a child together.

He still thinks it will be fine and is completely in denial that she can be allowed to control his life post divorce especially as he gave up everything he had because she threatened to turn the kids against him.
He thinks he can make it work. I know he can't and don't expect him to.

But, when we had the conversation it very quickly got emotional and then shut down because my corner will always be with MY kids and OUR relationship staying intact, but I can't be the one to say it's me or your children. It's obviously me who gets the chop, this is essentially all his ex wife wants.

It's fucking wrong. So completely unfair. No parent should have to pay thousands and sacrifice their happiness just to spend time with their children.

Evilstepmum Solicitor has said the same. The ex seems to think that a court will order this to happen, and has found a solicitor willing to take her money and try. (Not the same solicitor as the one for the contact court case).

Sometimes I do feel like a bit of a mug, but I'd also like to think that I have been trying to do things and act in the best interests of all the DC, both mine and his. I'd be hypocritical if I expected him to take on my DC, but not be willing to do the same. Maybe I'm more hurt that I am willing to be involved, but can't be?

I had said to his solicitor that I would be willing to meet with their mum (in a public place) if she wanted to discuss things, but this was never brought up in court.

How is it a breach of the order if he takes them somewhere else, other than your home?

I thought you said the contact doesn't have to be in your home?

Let him take them somewhere else for at least 2 out of the 3 visits and if he's not doing anything wrong, it doesn't matter if she's got someone following him.

Thought let's be honest, who is she really going to get to follow him for 14 hours a week, every week for 6 months??

I think a lot of responders are missing that the court haven’t ordered her and her children out of their home- but that contact is not to be (currently) with her and her children present. As his family are not willing to assist, her husband is expecting her and the children to leave the home for the visitation to be facilitated. He can take them elsewhere, but there is a belief the ex will follow them/ have others follow them, so a visit in a place she can not enter ensures the contact is private. I understand that he is excited to finally maybe get to see his kids, but he is unreasonable to expect you to do so in this way. Once a week- maybe. Three tunes a week- absolutely not. I have no idea how you move past this and come to an arrangement where you are both happy, but do feel some of his family, somewhere should be helping.

I think most responders just accept that it is not a workable situation outside of OPs Home and aren't pushing the subject as OP has stated the family won't help because of the situation they would be put in.

You also have to factor in that his children need a space that is theirs whilst they are with him, unless he can afford a place of his own (I don't know many people who can afford two homes at a time) then the OPs DP will obviously be assuming his home is his DCs Home.

At the moment like the OP said, he's just ecstatic that there is a discussion about visitation. Put yourself in his shoes.

Your children can't be chucked out of their home every weekend, that just unreasonable, and your dp is behaving shockingly to even consider he could ask that.

If he has his children in your home when your children go to ex's would that work? Maybe one day of the w/e they're at yours, you go visitng friends/family and your children are at ex's?

I do think your dp is being thoroughly unreasonable, though, and how can he possibly expect your children to suffer like that? He will have to talk to his family a bit more and work out a compromise with them.

In his shoes, I would be thinking, 'OK so contact is 6 hours sat, 5 hours sun, 3 hours tues. There is no way I would expect my partner and children to leave their home for that amount of time every single week for 6 months'.

'So let's sit down and work this out together'.

'Oh and if my crazy ex should choose to have me followed, I don't care because I'm not doing anything wrong'.

It's harsh and unfair but for the time being, you need to endure the arrangement for the sake of your other half. You are not being unreasonable and it's unfair, however right now the focus needs to be on him having contact. Sounds like the ex is bitter and I know it's hard but if you object to it, it will cause resentment. You need to be the bigger person and in years to come the kids will respect you for it.

So if she follows them that’s a breach and you’re back in court? That sounds like what you want. I’d suggest dh hire eg an Airbnb for the weekends or most of them and do some taking them out outside of check in time, then I’d put up with the Tuesday so he can see his children. I’d assume this is for 3 months max and tell dp we have to revisit then. I would really want to facilitate but not at the cost of my and dc leaving my house 3x a week every week. Maybe do the first two weeks then bring this up (having looked up options) so he doesn’t feel you’re sabotaging his chance to see his kids and hopefully does see how unfair it is on your children as well.

And if she does follow, then she's blotting her own copybook and I can take her back to Court to remind her that is not allowed to, at which point I can argue against the order that the lovely achange and the little achangelets should not be present.

Kittens That's how I feel. We are a family, and his DC should be part of that too. Maybe it's hurt I'm feeling that our family has been seen as almost irrelevant by everyone except the Cafcass officer.

SD1978 I completely understand why his family feel how they feel. The ex's behaviour to them was deplorable, and at times, borderline criminal. After everything she's done, they're just not yet willing to open themselves up to the risk of what she's going to do now. And I honestly can't blame them for that. They have to think about the other adults and children in their house, but likewise, I have to think about my DC, and myself.

StatisticallyChallenged DS unwinds by hanging out in his room alone for a while. We leave him to it for a hour or two before encouraging to come out for family time. So in all honesty, I think he'd be ok for the first while as we'd probably go to his friends house, but it may become problematic after a while.

What is the big deal if she or someone else follows them when they are out and about?

It would be 3 times a week for the next 6 months. Solicitor said that she got this because she got none of her other demands. I should add that she has summoned me to a separate court as she thinks she should get more CM from my earnings.

What with this and the advice on 'following', you need a new solicitor.

Or a new partner.

What a fucking crock of shit nightmare. How do you cope? I'd tell the lot of them to sort it out outside of your and your children's home and lives.

It would be 3 times a week for the next 6 months. Solicitor said that she got this because she got none of her other demands. I should add that she has summoned me to a separate court as she thinks she should get more CM from my earnings.

What with this and the advice on 'following', you need a new solicitor.

Or a new partner.

What a fucking crock of shit nightmare. How do you cope? I'd tell the lot of them to sort it out outside of your and your children's home and lives.

Sorry about posting twice.

"Court have said that I can't be there, but they haven't said that it has to be my house." So it's your dp making it so you have to leave your home - not the court, not his ex, him. He could take the DC to any number of places I suspect he doesn't want to due to cost.

Have you met his DC? If so do you know them well do they like you?

"Solicitor said that she got this because she got none of her other demands."

"And the solicitor has said not to take them out somewhere"

Did you hear that direct from solicitor or is that what dp said solicitor said?

you getting taken to court for maintenance is bullshit

Re cms calculator - that only gives the minimum that has to be paid. But you are not responsible for their DC.

I requested and was granted that exs then new gf not be included in contact initially, not because I was bitter and horrible but because ex kept dumping dd on new gf which

A was not fair on dd because that was meant to be her contact with her DAD not his gf

B wasn't fair on the new gf! She'd very little experience with children and was clearly overwhelmed but was unable to stand up to ex (still can't).

Cafcass had assessed that my ex had a poor bond with dd and he needed to re-establish that (in laymans terms he needed his arse kicked into being a father!)

You need to discuss with dp his making other arrangements this is not fair on you or your DC.

The no following is part of the order because of her past behaviour, and the constant lies she told, and was caught out on in court. In a nutshell, she has followed us, and his family. Her family has followed us, and his family. She has tried to get into his family's home when no one was there, couldn't but left an angry note about why couldn't she get in, because she had come to collect birthday presents for one of the DC, and expected that she would just walk into the house and take them. She was genuinely confused about why she couldn't get in, and why the judge told her this wasn't appropriate, because she could when they were together.

LineysRunt we've been seriously considering the new solicitor part, but the last few we've contacted simply don't feel they have the time to take on new clients.

As for how I cope, it sounds really cheesy, but I have never met anyone that I 'fit' with as much as him. I feel exactly the same way about him as I did at the beginning. I've never been in a relationship that has been so open, honest and genuinely happy. We generally get on, and are usually on the same page. We like spending time together, and would often refuse invites out to stay in by ourselves instead. The ex is the only blot on the landscape, but she's a pretty big blot. If someone had asked me what I wanted in a relationship, and a partner, told me that they'd make it, he is what they would have made. I'll admit that there is a part of me that doesn't want to give her the satisfaction of making me walk away from that, but there's a bigger part that realizes that he's the mythical 'one' and I don't want to give that up for myself and for my DC. I know it sounds cheesy, and cliched.

He used to say that the reason why we work so well is that we were in the 'honeymoon period', then we got past a year, then two, then three, then four, etc. so he'd say that it just lasted longer than most honeymoon periods. I told him that we never really got a honeymoon period, we had his ex and all her stress, so we didn't dance around anything, we just decided what we wanted and put the effort in to make it work for us. IYSWIM?

Your partner is being incredibly unreasonable and I wouldn't tolerate my kids being forced out of their own home like this. IF the solicitor said not to take them out that is very bad advice indeed.

The Kids will not want to sit in your home three times a week, they'll end up not wanting to come.