AIBU re: DP, his ex and their DC

[achangeisasgoodasabreakdown]

DP has finally got proper visitation with his dc. After years in and out of courts, his ex has been caught lying multiple times, and the judge doesn't believe anything she says. This is all very positive for him and his dc, and I am genuinely happy for him. The only thing is that I am not to be there. He can bring them to our home as long as me and my dc leave for the whole time. When he first said this, I said ok, especially as his family have said that they don't want to be involved at this point (due to ex's behavior in their home), and that they have a full house of adults and children. And it's their house! They are completely entitled to feel how they feel, and to not want to be involved until his ex proves she is capable of rationality and being reasonable.

The problem is that I've spent all day preparing things, and now I'm pissed off and upset. I feel that I have been completely dismissed, disregarded, degraded, and disrespected by the courts, her, him, the solicitors,everybody. Not only me, but my relationship with him and my DC as well.

I would understand if we were talking of a relationship of a few months, but we've been together and living together for years. The cafcass officer said that my involvement would be invaluable for my DP, but seemingly nobody else agreed.

AIBU to say that my DC and I don't want to be shoved out of our home, and that until I can be present, I don't want visitation in my home?

You and your children cannot be expected to vacate the house that long especially as your ds has ASD. What about the practicalities of feeding your children? Homework etc.

I would totally support your dp but make it clear he needs to rent a studio flat or air b n b for the duration. This is your house and your children’s home.

Ok I wouldn't accept this at all. This really isn't right and if you do accept this then you are opening yourself and your dc to a whole lot of other problems.

Why should your dc leave their own home for the sake of other children. His children are not more important than yours and by you all leaving every time they come over, that's the message you will be giving to your dc. And that's how this is going to become very ugly.

He absolutely needs to sort out some other arrangements. I cant belive this.
So you need to plan days out for yourself and children 3 times a week? What if one of them is ill? What do you do then?? No no no don't do it.

As for your dp even asking that of you, that's not acceptable at all.

OP, this has to stop. It is so unfair on your children and is giving them the message that they are less important than your partner's DC.

He has no right to ask this of you. For the sake of your DCs tell him it stops now and he has to make other arrangements. Frankly, I'd end the relationship if he continued to expect you and you DCs to leave your home.

He had no right to ask this of you.

So his family have said that they don't wish to be involved at this point.

Screw that, they are the ones related to the DC not you and your DC.

OP I can't understand why the Court are preventing you seeing his dc? It's definitely not the norm.

OP were you the OW? Is that why the ex is making things so difficult for you?

I really hope this relationship is worth it. I would be suggesting your DP rents his own home to be honest, so he can have contact there.

So your children come at the bottom of the priority list, despite having complex needs and your DP thinks that's okay? And you think that's okay?

This is rubbish. However, to make it work, One option could be finding an after school option to do with your DC on Tuesdays, followed by dinner out if need be, days out on a Saturday, then on sundays DP has to take his DC to his family. That is more than accommodating on your behalf. Expensive in the short term alas.

Not a chance I would accept this. What happens if you or your DC are Ill? I think your dp needs to rent a flat for 6 months or forever. Expecting you to leave your own home for 3 days a week is wholly unreasonable, that's half the week! In fact your dp should be suggesting this, is he happy to turf you and your DC out? I can't imagine any man being worth this kind of drama.

OP yabu for facilitating this to the detriment of your DC and quite frankly your DP is a CF for expecting you to leave YOUR home. The situation sounds very complex, I do think initially it is a good idea for him to see the DC on his own, so he should rent somewhere for himself.

I don't know how this works in court so I'm just trying to picture it. Did your DH say or confirm to the judge that there was a house available to him for regular use without you and your DC in it? Did he check that with you first or did he conceal the fact that his family refused to be involved or what? I just can't envisage how this was allowed to become the solution. That the home of two other children, one with ASD, became his contact centre? Surely a judge wouldn't oversee that? It's made even worse by the fact it was your house originally.

Also, OP, I know you love him a lot but you also know 'the one' is bullshit. It doesn't exist and if it did it emphatically would not look like this. Please don't discount the possibility of ending a relationship with someone who deprioritises you and your children in this way, even if it's by necessity.

No, I wasn't OW. She instigated their split. Her problem with me is that while she doesn't want him, she doesn't think he should have moved on, and she's very unhappy that he has a relationship with my DC.

One other positive to come out of court is that while the ex has spent years saying that there was DV, it finally came out that there was, on her part. She was abusive throughout their relationship, and continued to abuse him after it. It has taken a long time for him to realize that that's what it was, and I still feel that there's some leftover effect - he tends to agree to whatever she wants because he sees it as the only way she'll agree to contact and it's just what he did. However, the court have said no to the rest of her demands, and carefully explained to her that women can be guilty of DV (when it was suggested to her in court that she was abusive, she said no, because she's the woman, he's the man therefore it must be the other way around).

The Cafcass officer said that she says all the right things, but her actions never back her up, she will happily cut off contact for months, and then the first court date will never be acceptable for her. At one point contact was in a contact centre as part of a group session, because when the times the centre offered one on one contact, these sessions were not acceptable for her, but the other service users complained that she was disrupting their contact with their children. She would refuse to leave, or only leave for five to ten minutes and then come back. Even when she agreed to stay out of contact, she would still have to come in for a few minutes in the middle (she had snacks for them, she'd left something she needed with them, she needed to check something with them for the upcoming week, she needed to check their shoe sizes as she was going to a shop) She had complete disregard for anyone else there.

I do understand why his family feel they don't want to be involved, but one of the reasons why my home was suggested was that should she turn up at my house trying to get in, I have no qualms in making a police complaint against her. They didn't do this, but it was mentioned in court as an example of her inappropriate behaviour, especially as she didn't see it as inappropriate. She truly believed that she should have been able to access their home.

I did say to the solicitor that surely it would only be a good thing if she broke the order, but they seemed to think that it would look like he was deliberately trying to get her to break the order. The solicitor thinks hold off on that for a few weeks and then one or two of sessions could be activity based. If she follows then it is a breach, and can be taken back to court without it seeming like this was what we wanted.

I do agree with a PP that this may very well be an academic discussion, as I find it unlikely that she will make his DC available. They're usually sick whenever she doesn't like the court order, or she just refuses to make them available as it's not an order, it's a suggestion (although I believe if the judge writes it on the order it is indeed therefore an order) and she has moved out of the jurisdiction before to avoid a court order.

pigeon He was asked to confirm that he had places to take them, before they said that I wasn't to be there. It wasn't until after court that his family said they didn't want to be involved at this point.

NoBalls We're looking into that, but with all the upcoming bills, we're not sure it's feasible or justifiable financially.

If you can’t see it as a joint home then really there is no other option than for your DP to rent somewhere and spend time with his children there, surely? this exactly. Even his own family have said no. He's expecting you and your kids to leave the home. I know he's excited about seeing his kids but part of being a parent is taking responsibility for them which he isn't doing, he's putting it all on other people. I can't imagine his kids feeling comfortable with it, they may feel guilty or like they are making you leave.

Contact is 6 hours sat, 5 hours sun, 3 hours tues

I may have misunderstood, but this sounds insane. Wtf are you and your children supposed to when you can't go home for most of the day at weekends? And how are your kids supposed to have dinner, bath, do homework etc on a Tuesday evening?

I have visions of you all traipsing the streets for hours in the rain and wind ...

Given what you’ve written about the contact centre, I really don’t think this will ever be resolved. The Ex has a pathological need to control your DP and the only way she can do that is via their children, so that’s what she does. I have every sympathy with your DP, I really do but unfortunately, the relationship he has with his Ex contributes to a complicated dynamic between you and him and I personally, couldn’t cope with that.

Lakie
Me too.

Op this is why he needs to rent somewhere for 6 months at least.

I have a court order that specifies my ex’s partner cannot come into contact with my children.

It was by far the hardest bit of the huge list of orders I have to actually get. And was considered the most draconian one. I also come into contact professionally with a few others who do.

I have never not even once seen it ordered when there was not a risk to the children from the new partner sometimes due to his/her conduct with their own kids but often due to his/her conduct towards the kids involved in the hearing. Usually it’s due to extreme levels of hostility towards the other parent spilling out at the kids or them actually trying to impact contact success in a negative way.

Has your DP had therapy? As frustrating as his lack of push back is, he’s had years of her shit its taken its toll because she’s done an excellent job of making him believe (backed up by the system) that she’s in control. That’s a hard mindset to break, especially when it involves having contact with his kids.

There were moments when I felt like I was dancing to Ex’s tune and it was soul destroying, he was never as bad as your DP’s Ex but I was loathed to accept a situation where I had to. However, I was the RP and even though the system wasn’t as terribly supportive as it could have been (considering the history of DV), it meant that I had more cards than him.

Lakielady that's just what I was thinking. Maybe in summer 6 hours every Saturday and 5 on a Sunday could be spent at the local splash park/swimming pool/outdoor play area/bike riding and then a more afterwards although i have to admit that after the first 4 weekends id really struggle to find things to do for them in my area(not to mention the cost).But in january/February I'd find it impossible to find things for my kids to do outside the home for that length of time.

If he cannot find any place for the contact to take place then he will need to have his contact in a contact centre,it's private and op isn't there. Ops children should not be forced out of their only home every single weekend just because op ex is incapable of following legal instructions.

NeedsAsockamnesty I have to agree with you tbf. I've never seen an order where the new partner has been refused contact unless there's a risk to the kids. I don't understand why there's been an order in this case?

Lakie The Tuesday is the least problematic as my DC have activities after school. It would only be a problem if those were cancelled, which can and does happen. We could be out with friends and family for the weekends or at least one day on the weekends, and we sometimes are, but we aren't out every weekend. I also work on weekends, but it's usually from home, which would also be problematic.

NeedsASock Cafcass recommendation was that I was present. The ex objected as she feels its too soon in our relationship. She objected to a lot more than that, but the court agreed to keep me on the sidelines until the review.

No fucking way would my children and I be turned out of my own home. No way.
OK I think you need to take a step back. This is an extremely complicated and stressful situation and you have been helping to fight his battles from day one.
You also need to consider what is best for YOU and YOUR children. Being denied access to their own home for the best part of 6 months cannot possibly be to their advantage, however you dress it up with days out.
And stop preparing activities and your home for your DP with his kids.