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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re: DP, his ex and their DC

196 replies

achangeisasgoodasabreakdown · 14/01/2018 22:15

DP has finally got proper visitation with his dc. After years in and out of courts, his ex has been caught lying multiple times, and the judge doesn't believe anything she says. This is all very positive for him and his dc, and I am genuinely happy for him. The only thing is that I am not to be there. He can bring them to our home as long as me and my dc leave for the whole time. When he first said this, I said ok, especially as his family have said that they don't want to be involved at this point (due to ex's behavior in their home), and that they have a full house of adults and children. And it's their house! They are completely entitled to feel how they feel, and to not want to be involved until his ex proves she is capable of rationality and being reasonable.

The problem is that I've spent all day preparing things, and now I'm pissed off and upset. I feel that I have been completely dismissed, disregarded, degraded, and disrespected by the courts, her, him, the solicitors,everybody. Not only me, but my relationship with him and my DC as well.

I would understand if we were talking of a relationship of a few months, but we've been together and living together for years. The cafcass officer said that my involvement would be invaluable for my DP, but seemingly nobody else agreed.

AIBU to say that my DC and I don't want to be shoved out of our home, and that until I can be present, I don't want visitation in my home?

OP posts:
HuskyMcClusky · 15/01/2018 09:35

Are your children also his children?

Viviennebee · 15/01/2018 09:59

In all honesty, the Courts tend to go with the recommendation of the Cafcass officer. Otherwise there'd be no point in including Cafcass at all.
Also, a Court would not allow a mother to make demands. You say OP that the mother thinks its too soon to see her dc? Why if you've been with your partner years?
Sorry but theres got to be much more to this story than you're telling us. Or your partner himself has said to the Court he's happy for you not to be near his dc at the moment in order to keep his ex happy

Original poster
achangeisasgoodasabreakdown · 15/01/2018 10:11

He was willing to agree to all of her demands, which included a half hour drop in contact, but the court disagreed. The solicitor said that the judge agreed with all other cafcass recommendations, except this one. They didn't agree that it was too soon in our relationship, but wanted me and my DC on the sidelines. The solicitor thinks that they want her to prove she can follow the order first, and that my involvement would send her over the edge.

No, my kids aren't his kids. My ex thinks I should put up with it, say nothing and wait out the next six months. That this is just the beginning of the courts realizing exactly what she's been doing, and to just let her get on with it. He thinks she'll mess up before the review, and that it'll be back in court much sooner, and then the issue of my presence can be addressed.

OP posts:
dancingthroughthedark · 15/01/2018 10:13

I have to agree I think there's a lot not being said here. It's a few years ago now but I had a court order which stated my ex's partner must not be there for contact. I didn't demand it but the judge made the decision based on the Cafcass reports and my solicitor was actually as surprised as I was that such a decision was made. Sadly for me his new partner put a lot of pressure on him and he stopped contact altogether as it wasn't on their terms and to this day my boys have neither seen or heard from their father. It may seem difficult but it's 6 months not forever and if you truly want your dp to have ongoing contact you are going to have to sort out some suitable arrangement. Were you actually in the court when the decision was made? What happened at my court hearing and what my ex and his partner told anyone who would listen happened was a rather different story. Are you sure your Dp didn't agree to the decision in the first place so he could see his children?

AboutAGallonofDietCoke · 15/01/2018 10:34

Assuming you've read the judgment from your post and this is definitely the case, that is outrageous on behalf of the court. I'd be fuming too :(
That being said, I'd roll with it for now for the sake of the child/children and your DP. It's not their fault that the court made that judgment and hopefully if you guys can prove (yeah I know that's shit too) you're on the level and genuine the court will reassess things, this simply cannot work as a long term strategy , they must see this.
As the ex. She sounds a delight, poor you :(

AboutAGallonofDietCoke · 15/01/2018 10:34

As FOR the ex...

Weezol · 15/01/2018 10:35

achange I believe you.

It does sound to me as if the court have agreed to your being sidelined as they have no expectations she will keep to the order.

They are covering themselves so that when you're back in court, she can't stamp her feet and say 'it's not fair' or lodge some vexatious compensation bid.

In short, they are giving her enough rope to hang herself.

Graphista · 15/01/2018 10:59

I have to agree the solicitor is being ridiculous. That's not practical and if his ex fucks up again that's on her.

Given how fraught everything is (regardless who's fault) you've not met his kids, don't know them and they've enough to cope with so I think it's reasonable that initially you and your DC not involved in contact while dp bonds with his DC again. Your previous experience is irrelevant as you don't know THESE kids and it sounds like they've been through a lot so need a gentle approach.

Is this every weekend? When are they supposed to have quality time with their mother? You've not said how old they are but as this has been going on for years and you and he have been together for years I'm guessing at least primary age, so even if she is a sahm weekends should include at least one day quality time with mum.

"The solicitor thinks hold off on that for a few weeks and then one or two of sessions could be activity based" that seems like a huge backtrack, until this point you've been saying this is potentially easily for up to 6 months.

"pigeon He was asked to confirm that he had places to take them, before they said that I wasn't to be there. It wasn't until after court that his family said they didn't want to be involved at this point." Had he checked with his family BEFORE going to court. While understandable to a degree it sounds like he just agreed to whatever in order to get contact and now you and your DC are having to bend over backwards to facilitate it, because he wasn't properly prepared.

I too think there's more to this than op is saying, I'm also very conscious that we're only getting one side of a very tense very complex situation here.

Blackteadrinker77 · 15/01/2018 11:17

A weekend air b n b sounds like an option.

I'd also be ignoring the advice to not take them out. If she follows them that is a reason to get the order looked at again.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 15/01/2018 13:56

This is ridiculous. What happens if the 6 months is extended on the basis that it's working well without you and DC being in your own home?

Why on earth should your own DC be pushed out of their own house?

The goalposts will get moved and moved until you are out the door.

timeisnotaline · 15/01/2018 15:26

The op can easily say that the 6 months can’t be extended. But really I would say to your dh that you have tried to support him in every way possible to see his children, this arrangement has your children being kicked out of their home and while you love him you need to discuss a few things 1. He must be able to take them out instead sometimes, possibly at least once a week. 2. There must be exceptions eg if you dc are sick

  1. You will revisit in 3 m the impact on you and your children ; you make no commitment to 6m
  2. He will ensure he shows your dc affection and care despite his focus being elsewhere as this is dofficult for them too and it is their house.
poisoningpidgeysinthepark · 15/01/2018 16:37

This is not going to work. DP will have to suck it up and rent a little flat or something for 6 months so that he has somewhere to be with his DC at contact times. He can't expect you and your DC to not be welcome in your own home three times a week. I understand that you love him and you want to support his relationship with his DC, but it's ludicrous to be turfed out of your own home. If you don't stand up to this, your confidence and sense of self-worth will erode and your relationship won't recover.

Chugalug · 15/01/2018 16:42

Nope that's wrong...wrong for your kids.it will not result in the kids getting along at a later date.it will cause resentment.its rediculous,I find it very hard to belive a court would impose on children in their own home that they have to leave for others to visit..it's bat shit...I expect someone is not telling you the truth op

Leeds2 · 15/01/2018 16:50

If one of the reasons why your house was deemed a suitable place for the DC to be with dad was because it was felt that you would call the police if mother turned up, surely they must think that you will be there to make that call? Or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

DPotter · 15/01/2018 17:12

If one of the reasons why your house was deemed a suitable place for the DC to be with dad was because it was felt that you would call the police if mother turned up, surely they must think that you will be there to make that call? Or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

I thinks Leeds2 is making an excellent point here, especially as you say your DP is still in thrall to his Ex and is so excited to be able to see his DC. What’s to stop her turning up and causing havoc at your house?

I think the pp who suggested a weekend Airbnb made an excellent suggestion: it can be a home from home and if you arrange pick ups and drops offs at a neutral place, she won’t know where it is to cause disruption.

I do take the point that the whole thing could be a worry over nothing if she doesn’t comply, but I would also be fearful that if things work out, it could be used against you in the “you’ve managed for 6 months, let’s continue with this arrangement”. I wouldn’t take this lying down OP, at the very minimum your DP has to compromise and split the weekends so your DC can have access to their own home.

What a bloody nightmare though - those poor children

Jux · 15/01/2018 17:32

The Court made the order thinking that there was somewhere he could take the children which didn't involve you, they didn't make that order knowing that it would turn you and your children out into the cold all weekend, every weekend for 6 months, let alone through months which are usually the coldest.

As soon as his family refused to allow contact at their place, the order became irrelevant, as at that point it was founded on inaccuracy.

He has nowhere to take the children where she cannot follow them. That is now the truth. He either has to persuade his family to allow contact there, or he has to return to Court and make them aware of his true circumstances.

What he is expecting of you, and worse, of your children, is unreasonable and irrational, and borders on abuse itself. Does he really want to do that to innocent children who have to choice in living with him? Do you want to do that to them? Seriously?

WhataLovelyPear · 15/01/2018 17:33

OP, my heart goes out to you. DH's ex was/is abusive and controlling so I have a tiny inkling of what you are going through (thank goodness not on the level you are facing). You come across as incredibly grounded in very difficult circumstances. It's very easy for bystanders to say don't let this happen, but you have seen how desperately your DP wants to see his kids and I imagine that however much you know you would be within your rights to say no, I also think you would feel bad if you did.
My advice is go along with it in the short term, and if you have to take your kids elsewhere, explain why as appropriately as you can, reassure them that this is not for long. I would also tell DP how it is making you feel - you have a right to your feelings, even if you choose to override them for DP's sake.
Best of luck 💐

Jux · 15/01/2018 18:02

Give the ex rope to hang herself with.

Jux · 15/01/2018 18:07

Chugalug, the Court didn't. At the time, dp believed contact could happen at his family's home. It was only afterwards that his parents etc said no.

Hissy · 15/01/2018 19:01

If i were you, I’d get my own legal advice tbh and see if you can’t challenge this, it’s bonkers!

Your dp is utterly unrealistic in expecting that you leave your own house 3x a week. It’s madneas

Hissy · 15/01/2018 19:01

*madness

NataliaOsipova · 15/01/2018 19:18

What he is expecting of you, and worse, of your children, is unreasonable and irrational, and borders on abuse itself.

I'm really sorry, but I do agree with this. You think he's "the one"? Then I'd suck my teeth hard before I did it, but I'd accept the arrangement for six months. But you cannot do that to your own children. They have no choice in the matter and it is not to their advantage. It will potentially ruin their relationship with your DP and with you, their mother. You need to have their back on this.

donners312 · 15/01/2018 20:09

The Ex sounds really mental - would the DC be better off with their dad and you?

If they were my DC I would not want them being brought up by this fruit loop!

I know the family courts are awful as well though and od make some mad decisions.

RogueBiscuit · 15/01/2018 20:21

What he is expecting of you, and worse, of your children, is unreasonable and irrational, and borders on abuse itself.

My thoughts too.

ArchchancellorsHat · 15/01/2018 20:26

Agreed. Those poor children are right at the bottom of everybody's priority list. Pushed out of their own home. Awful.