AIBU re: DP, his ex and their DC

[achangeisasgoodasabreakdown]

DP has finally got proper visitation with his dc. After years in and out of courts, his ex has been caught lying multiple times, and the judge doesn't believe anything she says. This is all very positive for him and his dc, and I am genuinely happy for him. The only thing is that I am not to be there. He can bring them to our home as long as me and my dc leave for the whole time. When he first said this, I said ok, especially as his family have said that they don't want to be involved at this point (due to ex's behavior in their home), and that they have a full house of adults and children. And it's their house! They are completely entitled to feel how they feel, and to not want to be involved until his ex proves she is capable of rationality and being reasonable.

The problem is that I've spent all day preparing things, and now I'm pissed off and upset. I feel that I have been completely dismissed, disregarded, degraded, and disrespected by the courts, her, him, the solicitors,everybody. Not only me, but my relationship with him and my DC as well.

I would understand if we were talking of a relationship of a few months, but we've been together and living together for years. The cafcass officer said that my involvement would be invaluable for my DP, but seemingly nobody else agreed.

AIBU to say that my DC and I don't want to be shoved out of our home, and that until I can be present, I don't want visitation in my home?

No way would I or my children be leaving our home for 1 day a week, never mind 2 or 3, for 6 months & I think you’re being unreasonable to your children in making them do so.

This won't end well.

Maybe your kids are sympathetic because they can put themselves in the position of the kids. Imaging not having seen your parent for a long time and then be told that you have to spend time with their partner you've never met and blend with their family when all you really want at this stage is rebuild your relationship with your parent.

Are you mainly hurt by the fact that the decision from the judge was that you shouldn't be party to their reunion or that you are expected to leave your house? I think the latter is totally understandable and indeed, it is a huge compromise you are making. If the issue is that you will be excluded from their reunion, then this is indeed something you need to get over with because it is totally reasonable that this part should be stage 2 if not 3.

OP I think you are a very loyal dp. And very kind to do this but I predict in several months you will be posting about how your dc want to spend every weekend with their dad or at friends house and how your fed up with not being in your house on Saturdays.
How you never get family time with your own dc, how you never get a lie in on a Saturday Cus you have to get you and dc up and put.... Etc

You see it as being "shoved out of your home."

From what you say your children don't see it like that.I think as they are happy to go along with the arrangement and see it as a move forward, this very temporary (although upsetting for you) measure may work out better than you expect.

That your children can take this attitude and feel empathy for other children who are in a frankly appalling situation with their parents, indicates how loved, secure and stable they feel in their lives, and ultimately what a good job you, your DP and your ex are doing in your shared parenting. You should congratulate yourself on that.

Op, you sound like a bit of a martyr and there is no way I would have agreed to something like this. I have experience of having a spiteful, controlling ex in our lives but DH and I realised that nothing we did would change her. Your wellbeing and that of your children (who he actually lives with full time) should be DP's only priority here.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

week one, I would allow them to have your home fon tuesday, and for the weekend days, hopefully with your children at their dad's one of those days to have stability, especially your disabled child.

week two he needs to let you have the home for your children one of the weekend days. they need their hoem too. I suggest he take the kids out somewhere further away from home. (maybe with cctv in case anything kicks off)

he may for example be able to use the house while you go out for two hours or so , then he goes out with his kids before you return. you need a work around this. you can not be out the house with the children all three days for all the time.

So it’s not court ordered them?

I cannot see this working out well at all, and I feel for your DC.

Needsasockamnesty, no it's not Court ordered. The dp was asked if he had somewhere he could take his children, and at the time he thought his parents would be on board so he said yes. The Court ordered that op and her children should not be present at contact at all for 6 months.

After Court, the dp's family said that he couldn't use their house. Thus this situation where op and her children have to vacate their home for contact times, for 6 months.

In your experience, do you think that the Court would have made the order they did if they had known that op and her children would be forced to bugger off, as it were, for so many hours, every weekend for 6 months?

I know the Court were mainly occupied by fixing contact for the dp's children, but wouldn't they normally take into account the effect on other children while making a contact order like this? I mean if they knew that dp only had op's home at his disposal. Do you think they would have ordered that op could be present, or that dp would have to have contact at a centre for instance.

I know you have tons of experience in this field, so I'm asking out of my own curiosity. It seems op has made up her mind and is making the best of it by organising visits and all sorts, but not every one would be able to do that (I wouldn't, for instance) if they were in her position.what would happen then?

achange I do admire the way you are making this into an opportunity to visit people and so on, and I can see that your own attitude to challenges and problems is very positive and that has rubbed off on your children so that they are so unselfish. It really is admirable. Do be careful you - and your children - don't get walked over. I expect you have firm boundaries too, though, so that probably doesn't happen. I really do wish you all well and that this difficulty is quickly resolved rather than dragging on for the whole 6 months.

wouldn't they normally take into account the effect on other children while making a contact order like this?

And there's the children in the IL's house as well who will have to now not be there on Sundays for five hours.

In your experience, do you think that the Court would have made the order they did if they had known that op and her children would be forced to bugger off, as it were, for so many hours, every weekend for 6 months

IME it would be highly unusual.

If the parent applying for contact has such a limited relationship with the child/children that a relationship has to be established then it would be unusual for that contact to be taking place inside the parents home,usually in those circumstances by the time home contact happens its leave the parent alone and let them get on with it.

However if the partner of the parent has issues that cause a risk then it wouldn’t be unusual risks may be things people might not often consider, or something like a risk of witnessing domestic abuse that can be mitigated by the partner not being there (think bloke on perp program gets newish GF) but I usually see it where the partner has a history of very significant hostility towards the situation or children’s mother that is viewed as damaging

If none of these are relevant then a new solicitor is needed. I suspect that may not be the case

Thank you Needsasockamnesty.

I'm glad to hear that you've compromised and are going to make things work out as best you can.

My DH has a son from a previous marriage and the ex made things as difficult as possible - once keeping us from seeing him for 4 years (she lived in Wyoming and we lived in Pennsylvania, so it was easy for her to do so)! After that time, it was impossible to regain the good relationship we had had with him, despite our best efforts. We took the ex to court to enforce visitation, but by that time the relationship was irreparable - not just because of the long time of no contact, but also because she was an expert at parental alienation and made him hate his father.

If 6 months of taking our kids out for the day on weekends and one weeknight would have been the cost of having a good relationship with DH's son, I would have jumped at the opportunity. As it stands, he will be 34 years old this year and we have not seen nor talked to him since he graduated from high school - his choice, not ours. We were hoping with time and maturity, he would want to have a relationship with us and his only siblings, but he declined Facebook friend requests from our DD and me a few years ago and then blocked us.

I hope things work out in the long run and that you, your DP and all of the kids are able to be a family.

NeedsASockamnesty Given that none of those risks are present in this case, your advice would be seek new representation? If that was secured, what then? Immediately go back to court?

IdahoGal I'm so sorry for you and your DH. It's fortunate that parental alienation is now becoming recognized for the damage it causes, albeit too little too late in a lot of cases.

Measures to combat parental alienation are still in the 'trial' stages here with CAFCASS.

No idea how they're going.

I couldn't get my ExH to see the DCs often enough. Funny old world.

Lineys The ILs don't actually have to leave, they could stay, but don't want to at this point. They haven't seen these children in over 2 years, and in that time, there has been 3 new additions to the family (2 babies, and a puppy), they just think it would be a bit too much for both DP's DC, and themselves.

UPDATE:

The ex couldn't stick to the court order and it went back in front of the judge. She had no real reasons for breaking the court order, so very unhappy judge. Apparently she said that she wasn't aware it was an order that she had to follow, she believed it to be a suggestion of when contact might occur if it suited her. Among other breaches, which she gave equally stupid explanations for.

All restrictions have been lifted. Recommendations being put in place for overnights before summer holidays. Cafcass have said overnights need to happen, and within a reasonable time frame, regardless of how she tries to lengthen it out by refusing contact.

Everything's going well so far, but we're always kind of waiting for something to go wrong where she's concerned. But, all dc's seem happy, and interact well together. My DC and I have kept our routine so we're not there for every contact, so all kids get separate parent time, as well as time with everybody.

ILs are still a little reluctant to become involved, but did come to one contact before the restrictions were removed. They are interested in building up more of a relationship, but still nervous. DP has asked them to hang back a little for now as we all need some time by ourselves, just to kind of find our way a bit.

I’m glad that you updated. Not supposed you ended up in court again sooner rather than later. I’m glad the restrictions have been lifted and things seem to be moving forward for you. Hopefully they continue to do so.

Not surprised you ended up in court again.

When I was reading it I couldn't help wondering if the judge was setting your DP up for residency of his children. Certainly the way his ex is going you can see them losing their rag with her.

Glad it's going well with the children.