Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel like the worst friend ever!

204 replies

FussyKnickersAndGirlPants · 13/01/2018 00:55

I am a bridesmaid in June and am due to go on the hen party in march. It involves a weekend away (2 nights) and includes cocktail making, afternoon tea etc etc
I don't want to go 😟 I have never spent more than one night away from DH and children in 12 years. I have such anxiety of being away from them that I had a (planned) home birth on our last baby (who was 9lbs11oz.... Jeez that wasn't easy lol)
I'm so worried about telling my best friend. I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to let her down .... but genuinely, i don't think I can cope with being away from DH and the children for a whole weekend!
I feel like I'm being so irrational and self centred. I don't know if IBU? I don't want to ruin her hen weekend not being there, but I don't want to ruin it by bursting on to tears and wanting to go home.
There are at least 15 - 20 going on this weekend. Would she miss me? Would it be awful for one of her bridesmaids not to be there (there are 2 bridesmaids)
Sorry.... I'm rambling.... I just don't want to be a terrible person 😢

OP posts:
Shesaid · 14/01/2018 17:56

If, for any reason, you want to get over this anxiety, you would be able to with the help of a counsellor. You probably already know this, but anxiety often (not always) has a root cause - something that happened in your past which re-appears as a pattern at predictable but also unpredictable times.

A counsellor or psychotherapist could help you identify that root cause and in doing so release the pattern. That person could also help you rehearse success - take you through the weekend in advance, laying the grounds for it all to go well. If you want to go down this path, I recommend EMDR or Human Givens practitioners.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/01/2018 17:56

Do you think she’d notice if I went in your place?! 🍹🍸🍾🥂 and ☕️🍰 sounds fab! 😃

However, if you were my friend, I’d know you well enough to know this would be your idea of hell and I’d take you out for a really nice Afternoon Tea or a few cocktails near home. Because, although I’d love you to come and enjoy it, I wouldn’t want you to come if you felt the way you do.

You’ll be at the Wedding, that’s the important bit, NOT the Hen Party.

However, you need to get this anxiety in hand because you’re going to have to let your DC do things that involve being away from home. Go back to the GP and be firm. You need help with anxiety, don’t let them fob you off. 💐

Smudge100 · 14/01/2018 18:02

Why are you even asking for other people’s opinions? You don’t want to go and even the idea of it is clearly stressing you out. You won’t enjoy it and your anxiety will communicate itself to the people there, who do want to wind down and relax. Just explain to your friend, apologise and leave it at that. It’s not like the whole event is hanging on you being there. You’re the bridesmaid, not the bride.

Phalenopsisgirl · 14/01/2018 18:06

Anyone having a 2 night hen party should expect some people not to come. This could be for the reasons you describe or just that other commitments won’t allow or that finances won’t stretch. Do something with your friend locally, don’t feel pressured into something you aren’t comfortable with.

idontknowhowtofeelaboutthis · 14/01/2018 18:09

Could you go for one night?

I was a bridesmaid at my sisters wedding. I didn't go to her hen do because I had a 3 day old baby.. so obviously a valid reason haha!

I wouldn't want to leave my children and DH for more than one night, so I understand completely!

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 14/01/2018 18:20

If your friend knows that you suffer from anxiety, then she may be quite understanding

Otherwise, she'll probably think that you just didn't particularly fancy it, and may well be disappointed, especially if you previously said you would go. In that case, I think you should offer to pay for your place, so that other people don't have to pay extra due to you pulling out

I also think that having a home birth due to anxiety about leaving your children for a night is extreme and you would benefit from addressing this

Bebelala21 · 14/01/2018 18:24

Hi OP, first I totally understand the anxiety and the worry of leaving your kids. In 7 years I’ve only left my girls for one night.

Anxiety is the mind and body’s reaction to stress. We all suffer from a certain level of anxiety at times. It’s when it has an impact on your life that it becomes an issue.

There are many proven ways to help you cope with anxiety. If you go to mind.org.uk you will find lots of useful info. I would also urge you to go back to your GP and ask to be referred for some talking therapy or can’t. Don’t take no for an answer.

With regard to the Hen night, I would as others have said, talk to the bride. If she’s a good friend and knows you well she should understand. I’m guessing that just worrying about saying something is also increasing your anxiety.

You can get through this, you just need to give yourself a break and take things one step at a time.

Turnitaroundagain · 14/01/2018 18:25

Anxiety at the thought of doing something isn’t the same as suffering anxiety. For instance, if the thought of getting on a train is causing a person anxiety they could either use a different form of transport or overcome their fear of the train. The OP does not have to attend the hen do. It does not make her a bad friend. If she really wanted to go, she would go however the thought of it makes her feel. Please do not suggest a person should take meds for the sake of a night out! Crazy.

PurpleDaisies · 14/01/2018 18:27

Please do not suggest a person should take meds for the sake of a night out!

Nobody is suggesting that-it’s the op’s general level of anxiety that has made people suggest seeing the gp to see if meds would help.

ittakes2 · 14/01/2018 18:37

Forgetting this hens party - I think you should go back to your gp and ask about CBT for your anxieties. I had CBT for different anxieties and it was amazing. My main motivation for doing it though - was when I realised I was passing my anxieties onto my kids. If you are this anxious, then without realising it, your children will be picking up on it. I got my anxieties from my mum - and the therapist explained to me that my mum hasn’t learnt the skills to deal with her anxieties - so she couldn’t pass these skills onto me - and I didn’t have these skills to pass onto my children. But I do now - thanks to CBT. Good luck.

ittakes2 · 14/01/2018 18:38

Sorry - with CBT standing for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

nannygoat50 · 14/01/2018 18:46

It is a bit pathetic to be honest not wanting to be away . Is there a particular reason why? Are you agoraphobic?

Lizzie48 · 14/01/2018 18:55

Read the flipping thread, nannygoat50, the OP suffers from anxiety. Do you get off on being unkind to posters?? Hmm

Polarbear46 · 14/01/2018 18:58

It is a bit pathetic to be honest not wanting to be away

It really isnt "pathetic' , she has anxiety. Hardly supportive of you!

Leeds2 · 14/01/2018 19:05

I'm not sure the OP is coming back.

But, if she does, how do you feel about the older children going on school trips and/or sleepovers?

I would look at getting some help for your anxiety.

Geordie1944 · 14/01/2018 19:16

For my work I have to be away for two or more nights perhaps ten times a year; I enjoy it very much, and so does my wife. I enjoy travelling and deciding to be out of reach if I want to be, I like lying on an hotel bed watching awful daytime tv, picking my nose without getting told off, ordering room service, getting a cooked breakfast put in front of me, hailing cabs and charging the whole deal to expenses....My wife enjoys the respite from my company and we all enjoy my homecomings. Although the OP's feelings are on a normal spectrum, the level of anxiety seems extravagant. If she is unhappy with who she is then she should seek help - CBT would work.

Strongmummy · 14/01/2018 19:46

YOu need to deal with your separation anxiety. It’s tough, I had it too, but cognitive behavioural therapy was very helpful to me. Be kind to yourself

Turnitaroundagain · 14/01/2018 20:13

OP your anxiety issue isn’t the hen do, it’s the fact that you are uncomfortable telling your friend. You need to take charge of these uncomfortable feelings and own them! And as many people have said, take her for a lunch or a spa day or something to make up for it. And be kind to yourself too.

Rainbowblume · 14/01/2018 20:18

Your anxiety may later hamper you if you find there is something you do want to do. But not wanting to go to a hen night is fine. I just said no to the last invitation and didn't give it a second thought. The lady is a good friend, in fact she was my maid of honour but I don't like massive hen weekends so I just said No thanks. Have a great time.

Emsylou110 · 14/01/2018 21:03

Ah bless you, it’s a tough situation... as others have said it’s worth talking this through with GP.
Not everyone understands anxiety unfortunately I hope your friend is fine with it.

3luckystars · 14/01/2018 21:11

Aren’t hen weekends such shit.
Never in my life have I heard someone saying they had a brilliant time at one.
In my experience (which is very little) everyone thinks it’s a great idea about a year in advance and the closer it gets, the less people want to go. By the time it comes around it’s such a hassle and expense that they just want it all over with.
Everyone is putting up with something.

Sorry for that outburst but I do feel much better now. Thank you.

KERALA1 · 14/01/2018 21:26

Am I the only one that sees going away with friends as fun and not some unspeakable ordeal to be endured before racing home to husband and kids Grin. Can't wait for my girls trip - 4 nights abroad, 12 mums. Definitely a terrible mother...

Lizzie48 · 14/01/2018 21:41

No you're not, Kerala1, I do like going away overnight sometimes, I have a friend who I've been away with a couple of times, leaving our families behind. It's lovely. I do of course miss my family but I also do need the time to myself as well. Smile

bencrone03 · 14/01/2018 21:49

Fgs just go and enjoy yourself, don't worry about it, sure they'll be fine while you are away

SkaTastic · 14/01/2018 21:50

Whoa now there are some over reactions here. OP if you think your anxiety is hindering you in every day life then definitely go to your GP and ask for a referral to a counsellor. Hopefully your friend will be totally fine with it.

Personally I don't think it is that weird if you find being away from your family a stressful thing. I don't like being away from my husband and kids so I don't really. That doesn't stop my kids going on a school trip (wtf?) and occasionally I have had the odd night away.

I had to go away for 4 nights with work recently though and I was sick with anxiety. Urgh.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.