I feel like the worst friend ever!

[FussyKnickersAndGirlPants]

I am a bridesmaid in June and am due to go on the hen party in march. It involves a weekend away (2 nights) and includes cocktail making, afternoon tea etc etc
I don't want to go 😟 I have never spent more than one night away from DH and children in 12 years. I have such anxiety of being away from them that I had a (planned) home birth on our last baby (who was 9lbs11oz.... Jeez that wasn't easy lol)
I'm so worried about telling my best friend. I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to let her down .... but genuinely, i don't think I can cope with being away from DH and the children for a whole weekend!
I feel like I'm being so irrational and self centred. I don't know if IBU? I don't want to ruin her hen weekend not being there, but I don't want to ruin it by bursting on to tears and wanting to go home.
There are at least 15 - 20 going on this weekend. Would she miss me? Would it be awful for one of her bridesmaids not to be there (there are 2 bridesmaids)
Sorry.... I'm rambling.... I just don't want to be a terrible person 😢

You need a MUCH better GP.

A good therapist (do you have self referral where you are?) will help you unravel the deep seated reasons.

A genuine friend will understand.

That said - for YOU it would make your life easier to get help. It sounds to me like perhaps a form of agoraphobia (which I also suffer from) people think agoraphobia means not going anywhere but it has levels. When I'm bad I can't leave home - not so bad can go to certain "safe places" within a certain distance of home, doing pretty well - with help can consider new places.

I may be wrong depending on your underlying reasons.

Good luck for sorting this

"The only way to get over this anxiety is to just do it."

"I agree with the poster that said the only way to conquer this is to do it."

Utter nonsense! This is not advisable - it used to be considered one form of possible treatment but has now been discredited as if anything it makes anxieties WORSE. Please if you don't understand mh issues don't comment - you could cause real harm. Do the posters saying this realise it's as ignorant as telling a depressive to "just pull yourself together"

Wow and now people with mh issues shouldn't accept being a bm? Are we supposed to have no life then? Glad my friends are more empathic and understanding

It CERTAINLY doesn't make op a "less dedicated friend" if I found a friend of mine thought that of me due to an ILLNESS It would be ME dropping THEM!

Raptors - that’s where we all parent differently - I tend not to leave mine when they are upset - but they’ll rarely be upset during the day and it’s never stopped me doing anything I want to do. I’ve built up w evenings and days out as they’ve got older and weaned them off me slowly. Personally I couldn’t enjoy myself if I knew they were there crying at home. But, really, I’m not judging anyone who does differently - I’m jusr trying to defend the poor op a bit who is getting slated for just being a mum who doesn’t like to leave her kids. It might not be the popular view and many people love to leave their kids to go on weekends and holidays but there are other mums who also wouldn’t - we must support both types of patent without calling the other wrong or suggest they go on medication because they don’t want to skip off leaving a 2 year old for the weekend.

I think hen weekends are unreasonable to be honest and I wouldn't want to go for a host of reasons. It's not unreasonable not to want to go. An invitation is an offer not an order. If the OP is anxious leaving her family for very short periods then maybe help is needed. But a whole weekend? No, that's a perfectly reasonable personal choice. I suspect the tears are much more to do with anxiety over breaking the news and the reaction she will get.

that’s where we all parent differently

Very true.

Personally I love an evening or even a weekend away with friends or DH without the DC. I also love doing stuff with them. They’re super chilled, confident and social kids so this works for them. Other kids might well be different.

I do hope OP is getting support and I think you’re very kind to defend the OP but the way I read it, I don’t think anyone was slating her. I think there’s concerns that she may not have her anxiety under control (like I said I’ve been there and yes it is so rubbish).

You sound like a very nice person Rainbows

Easy.just say you can't afford it...

worldsworstcook Are you joking? And your eldest is 22?

I seriously cannot comprehend this.

Thank you raptor and you too

Anxiety is crippling - but I am against this jump on medication for what I see as perfectly normal, if not towards the end of the normal spectrum behaviour.

Op yes get cbt if you feel anxiety is holding you, or your kids back. But it’s within the range of normal to not want to leave your young children for the whole weekend.

Geekone, I can understand that you were upset, but it's unreasonable to still be holding a grudge about it. Life really is too short; in the words of Elsa from Frozen you surely should 'let it go'.

I can't imagine I would be particularly upset if a friend decided they couldn't come. It's surely the wedding that really matters and not the hen weekend?? Back when my friends and I were getting married it was just hen nights, much easier to arrange and much less likely that friends won't be able to come.

I have to admit OP I’d take a pretty dim view if a friend who I was close enough to have as a bridesmaid (one of only two) skipped my hen weekend simply because she couldn’t bear to tear herself away from her husband and DC for 48 hours.

It’s been 12 years, and I’m sorry but that isn’t normal. If the hen weekend isn’t til March then you’ve got two months to set the ball rolling and get some proper help handling your anxiety. See a different GP, consider the option of anti-anxiety meds, maybe look into CBT. And remind yourself that your DH and DC will survive without you, and you’ll survive without them. And I’m saying this as someone who suffers with anxiety and depression myself. You need to stop letting it control your life.

In terms of the original question, of course there is no point in you going to the hen weekend if it is going to make you ill. Tell the bride now. If she is a good enough friend to have asked you to be bridesmaid, then she is a good enough friend to put your feelings about it first. It won't matter as there are plenty of other friends going.

However, you really need to seek further help / go back to your GP and explore the options with regards to your anxiety. Whereas it is your choice to 'just put up with it' impacting upon your life, it isn't fair to restrict your dcs from living their lives because your anxiety prevents you being apart from them overnight.

I think the argument about normal versus not normal is a hide onto nothing. It would be helpful to get over this problem as it is not contributing anything good to your life.

I personally don't think you should go as it is too extreme. But you could find something nice to do for any overnight away from your children to help you gradually get over your anxiety.

how can you be pissed off at your friend for putting her kids first?! It’s a mother’s job to do that - I bet she always puts them first above herself too - how can you expect her to put you before them when she doesn’t even put herself before them? Sorry but you are a bad friend if you don’t understand that children come before friends

Rainbows, giving birth does NOT mean that you spend the next 18 years being a martyr and putting your dc first all the time. It' s bloody good for dc to knw that their parents have friends and a life separate of them. What OP is saying is NOT that she doesn't want to leave her DC but that SHE IS TOO ANXIOUS to leave them. That is NOT a positve reason for doing anything.

It is NOT normal to have a home birth just so you don't have to leave your dc. If you're giving birth you're hardly going to be concentrating on your current dc so it's not as if you're going to be parenting them,. is it?

OP should have talked to her friend about this long before now. Her friend will probably be upset - and she is allowed to feel that way, just as OP is allowed to feel how she feels.

Home births can be great for everyone

Actually home births can be not great for quite a lot of people. Like me, I haemorrhage well.

I don't think it's particularly helpful of people to downplay either the seriousness of OP's anxiety or the impact that ducking out of the hen do will have. People may very well object to weekend-long hen parties, but the OP is one of two bridesmaids. It's just not true that it's fine to skip it and the bride won't notice or care.
OP, I think you need to give some thought to whether you're actually up for this. If you're struggling with the idea of the hen do, are you going to cope with the wedding? There will be far more people there, you will be far more visible, and your husband might be there, but you probably won't be able to spend that much time with him. And then I think you should have an honest conversation with the bride and tell her what you're dealing with. If she's a good friend she'll understand, but if you just try and slide out of doing bridesmaid stuff she might not.
And then aside from the wedding, which is of course just an interlude in your life that is highlighting all these issues, you do need to get some proper help. It's not right for anxiety to restrict what you do to such an extent. You could be so much happier.

Unless there’s some sort of circumstances not mentioned, I find not having ever spent a night away from your 22 year old just plain weird. And unhealthy.

I ageee that you should just tell your friend about your anxiety and get some help with it. If she's a good friend she'll understand. But she won't understand if you don't explain. She'll be offended. So tell her. But I would stress the anxiety element - not just that you don't want to be away from your DP.

You don't have to spend nights away from your family if you don't want to. But this isn't a common way to feel OP.

Are you anxious about other stuff?

Personally I would be absolutely gutted to find out as an adult that my mum didn’t have a single night away from me my entire childhood. You don’t stop being an individual person with your own friendships, social life and hobbies the minute you give birth. Yes you make a commitment to put your children first but that means things like don’t buy wine with your last tenner when you need formula or don’t book a holiday with your mates when your DC need coast and shoes. Parenting is hard and everyone needs a break from it now and again. No-one will thank you at the end of your life for never having a night off. Seriously, children deserve to see that life does stop when you become a parent. Especially when they will have a perfectly capable parent there with them when you go out.

rainbow I was going to write a reply but what RaptorsCantPlayPoker said says it all. Not being able to spend a night away from your children is different from your children not being able to stand a night away from you. I love my DS but still manage to stay away for the night if needed. I am not only a mother (which I love being) I am a friend a wife a daughter and an employee all of which need me from time to time and and sometimes I need them too.

I don't bloody have a grudge I love her and it hasn't ruined my friendship at all. But when threads like this come up I remember and it pissed me off slightly. 🙄 rainbow you are a drama lama and have read way too much into my post. I just wanted the OP to know that her friend however nice might still be pissed off in 15 years time when she looks back. 🙄 Honestly......

maternal instinct is to be there for your kids - it’s natural and nature

For TWELVE YEARS? To the point where you cannot cope with being anywhere else?
That is not normal. OP needs professional help, not to be told that it's normal for mothers to behave that way.

Personally I couldn’t enjoy myself if I knew they were there crying at home totally fine but not every child is like that. Many children are happy with their other parent or family member or nursery etc. My son will cry when I leave but only for my benefit! He's totally fine as soon as I've gone out of eye sight. My niece was the same (I was her nanny). And some people like myself also have to leave their kids to go to work. And many single parents have to be away from their kids so they can see the other parent. I used to have to leave mine so he could see his dad but his dad cba anymore.

Personally I couldn’t enjoy myself if I knew they were there crying at home

If your child is so dependent on you that they will be crying at home every time you step out of the door, you need to fix that, not use it to justify never leaving the house without them

Agree. You are doing your child a disservice by never allowing them to get used to being without you. The earlier they get used to it the better it is for them.

Goodness me, some of have to spend nights away from our children because we work. I’m a nurse and can do 2-3 nights in a row. We cope.

* maternal instinct is to be there for your kids - it’s natural and nature*

What Bollocks. So what the OP describes is all instinct and natural? Okay ... so what about the mothers who... hang on ... do not feel this way? They're the opposite of the OP, so they must be.... devoid of this illusion instinct and unnatural?