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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel like the worst friend ever!

204 replies

FussyKnickersAndGirlPants · 13/01/2018 00:55

I am a bridesmaid in June and am due to go on the hen party in march. It involves a weekend away (2 nights) and includes cocktail making, afternoon tea etc etc
I don't want to go 😟 I have never spent more than one night away from DH and children in 12 years. I have such anxiety of being away from them that I had a (planned) home birth on our last baby (who was 9lbs11oz.... Jeez that wasn't easy lol)
I'm so worried about telling my best friend. I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to let her down .... but genuinely, i don't think I can cope with being away from DH and the children for a whole weekend!
I feel like I'm being so irrational and self centred. I don't know if IBU? I don't want to ruin her hen weekend not being there, but I don't want to ruin it by bursting on to tears and wanting to go home.
There are at least 15 - 20 going on this weekend. Would she miss me? Would it be awful for one of her bridesmaids not to be there (there are 2 bridesmaids)
Sorry.... I'm rambling.... I just don't want to be a terrible person 😢

OP posts:
NeilPetark · 13/01/2018 20:12

You can be there for your children without needing to spend every night with them. Sometimes I need to spend time reminding myself that I am not just ‘Mummy’. That makes me a better mother.

Graphista · 13/01/2018 20:15

Neil - op has anxiety - quite severe by the sound of it but yea - just call the mentally ill and mental illness "weird" Angry ffs!

FluffyWuffy100 · 13/01/2018 20:22

maternal instinct is to be there for your kids - it’s natural and nature

Nope.

Not being able to leave you hubby wubby and children for more than 1 night is quite frankly, batshit.

NeilPetark · 13/01/2018 20:23

At no point have I called the OP weird and if you had read my post I said any unexplained circumstances which that particular poster hadn’t given at all. And yes I would find not spending a night away from your 22 year old strange. I would wonder if you were preventing your child from spending the night away or making them feel like they couldn’t. So yes unless there is a massive drip feed, it’s not normal.

Lizzie48 · 13/01/2018 20:28

The OP has admitted to suffering from anxiety and that she's been like that since she was a child. So yes, there is an issue, that's not in question and she without doubt wishes that wasn't the case.

But I'm sure her friend must know that she has this anxiety if they're very close, I do tend to share this sort of thing with my close friends.

MarieNostra · 13/01/2018 20:36

I don't think it is compulsory to attend a hens, well last time I looked! I appreciate that OP is BM, but I am sure if you explain your position to Bridey she will understand.

Offer to bring her to a special lunch/dinner before the wedding instead.

Don't stress about it. Just be honest with her. I don't think you will enjoy it at all (and really who enjoys hens unless you are size six and can wear skyscraper heels and go clubbing/drinking all night!).

What is happening with the wedding itself, will DH and kids be there also?

bfgdreamtree · 13/01/2018 20:38

and really who enjoys hens unless you are size six and can wear skyscraper heels and go clubbing/drinking all night!)

Those of us who aren't that shallow?

Graphista · 13/01/2018 20:38

" I find not having ever spent a night away from your 22 year old just plain weird"

bfgdreamtree · 13/01/2018 20:43

I don't think calling that weird is rude, its not commenting on why it has happened, but it is weird to never spend a night away from your 22 year old. It just is. That isn't mean or rude its just a fact.

Tiredmum100 · 13/01/2018 20:43

If you were my bridesmaid I would be disappointed. You need to sit down and chat to her and explain to her the issue. Is it close enough you could attend the cocktail making or the afternoon tea so you're involved in part of it?

Since having my children I've been on about 4 hen weekends away, ranging from 2-4 nights. I have enjoyed the time away, and recharged my batteries. Plus remembered what it's like to be myself and not mum or wife. Maybe you might surprise and enjoy yourself? Saying that if you really don't want to go you need to be honest with her.

NeilPetark · 13/01/2018 20:43

Once again I wasn’t talking about the OP. RTFT.

Quartz2208 · 13/01/2018 20:44

Its fine not to want to go on a hen night but it does sound as it you are very anxious - do your children spent time away from you?

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 13/01/2018 21:08

I think it’s weird that a 22 year old has never wanted to go on a sleepover, stayed over with friends after a night out, gone on holiday, stayed with a boyfriend/girlfriend etc.

Leigha3 · 13/01/2018 21:14

From what I've read most women hate hen parties and they're overpriced AF...maybe you could just say it's not in your budget?

pameladoove · 13/01/2018 21:20

I feel like I'm being so irrational and self centred.

If I were your friend, I would definitely think you were being both of these.

Lizzie48 · 13/01/2018 21:22

Worldsworstcook, I do think it a bit strange that you've never left your 22 year old. Have they never been away from home before? Because that is very unusual. The OP's youngest is 2, so that's much more understandable. Your youngest is 12, so surely could cope?? Confused

PurpleDaisies · 13/01/2018 21:29

leigh she’s a bridesmaid. There’s usually an expectation that they’ll be there, if not take a big role in planning.

CanuckBC · 13/01/2018 21:38

I have general anxiety disorder, PTSD and major depression. I go to a counselling and am on meds. If my dr treated me the way your GP did I would be a royal mess and potentially suicidal due to my conditions not being treated. S/he was being very tactless and unprofessional. Talk about not taking mental health seriously. S/he was very lucky you are in a better place then you could have been as the reultsncould have been disastrous.

It truly sounds like you have genuine anxiety. It will help you tremendously to have it treated and treated properly. This isn’t even about the hen party but about living life to its fullest and being able to be just you.

The end result may be that you have the tools to cope with a weekend away and enjoy it. If not, a night away. You may enjoy just being you and not just a mom and wife.

Re the person asking about meds that can help with anxiety and pain. I am in Canada so I am not sure if it’s called the same but Cymbalta is an med that is known for this. Maybe look into it. It may be the same or different med that the other person on this thread is talking about. If you do try it give it a couple weeks for it to work. I am in it and love it. It helps me be me.

IfeelFloopy · 13/01/2018 21:52

Fellow anxiety sufferer here...

I am also am not a fan of hen parties. My best friend got married recently. Her hen do was 2 days away from home with around 20 others, none of which I knew. Although I love my friend if I had a choice I wouldn’t have gone. But I knew I had to. I dealt with it by seeing it as something to get out of the way.

This friend puts a lot of effort into other people’s special occasions and so even though I didn’t really want to be there I went along and threw myself into it for her. 2 days is over before you know it and although I can’t say I had a wonderful time...it was fine!

When I was growing up I always thought there was something wrong with me. But now I hear about social anxiety on a daily basis. 2 people dropped out of the hen do for this very reason. And another even swerved this friends wedding altogether!

If you cannot face all of it I would suggest at least trying to be there for some of it

monstiebags · 14/01/2018 17:27

I'm not sure why people tink its ok to force people to give up their whole weekend just because they are getting married. From what has been said in other posts, it seems that the majority of women go along to these things but don't actually want to. apart from anything else, two days of partying is ridiculously expensive and then all the things that you would have done had you been at home will have to be somehow fitted in when you get back - washing, getting ready for Monday, school uniforms ironed etc etc. Just tell her you don't want to go.

cherish123 · 14/01/2018 17:36

Could you go for part of if? Is your oldest/older 12? Depends on age of the youngest/younger. My friend had a hen when my DS was six and I had never spent a night away before. I only went for the evening and overnight and then came home in the morning. Obviously this depends on how far away it is and there may be a cost issue TOO. TBH, I was in two minds whether to stay but was forced to as hen organiser booked me a room without asking whether I was staying or not 🙄.

keffie12 · 14/01/2018 17:40

I wouldn't want to do that weekend either. It's my idea of hell too. I would be finding a fullproof reason not to go.

However I do feel you need to look at the anxiety at being separated from your husband and children to check out if it is a normal level or not.

KERALA1 · 14/01/2018 17:45

Maybe this is why so many elderly people are lonely? If you are so insular with your family and don't invest in friendships at all where can that lead? What if you are widowed and your kids move away to have their own lives? I know adult friends very frustrated with their parents lack of a life as they resent being everything to their parents.

My own parents very sociable as we grew up and still are which is great. Hanging around your kids non stop does not mean you are a better parent. Arguably the opposite.

Haffiana · 14/01/2018 17:51

OP, this can be just the push that you deep down know you need to get your anxiety sorted out.

Wouldn't it be a goal worth aiming for - to be able to go away by yourself for a couple of days? To be independent of needing to rely on other people all the time? You only get one life. It is worth trying anything to make it a life lived to the full.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/01/2018 17:55

Hi OP, I hear you.
How about having a word with your friend, who very obviously thinks a lot about you, hence asking you to be her bridesmaid.
Tell her how you are feeling, about your anxiety, I'm sure she'll feel for you.
Why not ask her, if you and her, and maybe her other bridesmaid, could have either a night out, meal etc., together, or one night away, and see what she says.
Whatever you do, rest easy, it's fine, it really is.

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