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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel like the worst friend ever!

204 replies

FussyKnickersAndGirlPants · 13/01/2018 00:55

I am a bridesmaid in June and am due to go on the hen party in march. It involves a weekend away (2 nights) and includes cocktail making, afternoon tea etc etc
I don't want to go 😟 I have never spent more than one night away from DH and children in 12 years. I have such anxiety of being away from them that I had a (planned) home birth on our last baby (who was 9lbs11oz.... Jeez that wasn't easy lol)
I'm so worried about telling my best friend. I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to let her down .... but genuinely, i don't think I can cope with being away from DH and the children for a whole weekend!
I feel like I'm being so irrational and self centred. I don't know if IBU? I don't want to ruin her hen weekend not being there, but I don't want to ruin it by bursting on to tears and wanting to go home.
There are at least 15 - 20 going on this weekend. Would she miss me? Would it be awful for one of her bridesmaids not to be there (there are 2 bridesmaids)
Sorry.... I'm rambling.... I just don't want to be a terrible person 😢

OP posts:
ferntwist · 13/01/2018 09:00

Be prepared for your friend to feel hurt.

diddl · 13/01/2018 09:04

Not wanting to leave the kids for a couple of nights is entirely different to not being able to cope with doing it though isn't it?

Especially as they would be with their dad!

I would find being with so many unfamiliar(?) people for a weekend difficult-it would be that would make me be not wanting to go.

Unless your older two are homeschooled & you husband doesn't work/works from home, you obviously can manage to be apart from them.

Subtleconstraints · 13/01/2018 09:08

First of all, take a moment with your friend and speak to her. If you are honest with her, it will help her understand, and you will feel better/relieved too.

Before you do, could you have a strategy in place to show that you are trying your best ifyswim? For example, if you could possibly manage one night (or one day) then I think you should go for that (the idea about bringing your family with you and staying elsewhere is a good one if logistically possible).

All the best op, chronic anxiety is horrible!

YellowMakesMeSmile · 13/01/2018 09:12

I think you need to go back to the doctors too otherwise as your children grow older and want to do things or go away with school it's going to impact them.

Some posts say it's normal to be that anxious, but it isn't.

Be honest with your friend but be prepared that she will likely be upset.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 13/01/2018 09:15

Yellow. That’s a horrible thing to say - she’s her friend she will understand.

ferntwist · 13/01/2018 09:18

It’s not a horrible thing to say. OP is a bridesmaid. It’s highly unusual not to be able to leave your family for a weekend. Her friend is likely to be hurt and surprised.

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2018 09:19

Does your friend understand your mental health issues? I think you need to sit down and explain to her. Otherwise yes she will be very hurt. Bridesmaids are usually a key part of a hen do and for most brides important they are there,

Are you able to get through the wedding? There will be a lot of people there also and you will be expected to be away from your husband and kids for quite lengthy periods of time.

I do think it wasn't ideal to accept being her bridesmaid if you were not mentally well enough to cope with what that entailed. However it's done now and I'd sit her down and talk to her about your mental health.

TheHandmaidsTail · 13/01/2018 09:22

Anxiety is a mental illness and it should be treated properly. It's a real problem! Telling someone to chill out and go and enjoy themselves is like telling a manic depressive to have a spa day Hmm

Go to the docs and ask for some CBT. Often anti depressants really help, but it depends how disabling you find the anxiety and your views on drugs.

If you explain to your friend why you don't want to go and how it is affecting you, if she's a good friend she'll understand. And leaving a 2 year old is still a big deal. I have no qualms leaving my 3 for a night but I struggle for more than that - and that's okay! They are my dc and my priority! Speak to your friend, and try and put your mind at rest.

Maybe think of organising a special afternoon locally for her and the bridesmaids or the bridal party?

TatianaLarina · 13/01/2018 09:24

Regardless of whether you go you need to address the anxiety.

Change your GP if necessary - they should offer you CBT and potentially medication.

This level of anxiety will majorly impact your children if you don’t get on top of it.

Personally I think it would be good for you to go - you may well discover that it wasn’t as bad as you feared.

Withhindsight · 13/01/2018 09:24

As your best mate, does she not already know how you suffer with anxiety? Please go round and see her to explain how you feel. It does sound like you need to see your GP again too. Can you write down how you feel/ the points you want to make and take it with you and either hand to Dr or go through each item on the list during your meeting as you do need help through this. Be assured a true friend will understand and would not want to put you through it, but you do need to make sure she understands how you feel.

saladdays66 · 13/01/2018 09:30

This level of anxiety is definitely not normal, and it must be affecting your life in other ways too. How will you feel when your dc go for sleepovers or school trips?

Will you really spend your next 20 years at home?

Are you ok about going on holiday with your family?

Go back to your doctor - or find a more sympathetic gp. There are loads of websites to help deal with anxiety - young minds, anxiety uk, etc, so why not google some and try some of the things they advise?

Re your friend, I don’t know. Might not be the best weekend to start off on. Might be better if you go away with one close friend to somewhere you really want to go to. But talk to the bride and be honest with her.

Good luck.

Mupflup · 13/01/2018 09:33

I don't have kids but I hate being away from home overnight, to the point I have refused to attend conferences for work if it means an overnight stay. The other week I did 9 hours train travel in one day getting up redic early and home really late just to avoid an overnight. Weirdly I have no problem with DH being away, which he does regularly as part of his job, but cannot bear being away myself, so totally understand where you are coming from OP. Is there any way you could go for one of the days and go home late in the evening? That's what I would try and do in your situation, so that you still go but don't have to be away overnight.

Lizzie48 · 13/01/2018 09:42

She is one of your best friends, so she must have an idea about your anxiety even if you haven't spelt it out to her. I have anxiety issues connected with PTSD, and, while most people around me wouldn't have a clue, those close to me have seen it.

Just speak to your friend and tell her what you've said here. She obviously cares for you and will possibly suggest that you either join them for one whole day, or stay with them for one night.

You do need to get help for your anxiety, though, otherwise your DC will pick up on it. CBT, as suggested by a PP, could really help you. Thanks

Tottyandmarchpane1 · 13/01/2018 09:55

If you explained to me that you had crippling anxiety then I would understand you not coming. If you made an excuse and just didn’t come I would take a very dim view as a bridesmaid and friend. Tell her and then get some help for anxiety. As an aside though I do not have anxiety and that kind of weekend is my idea of hell.

MojoMoon · 13/01/2018 09:58

Why can't you leave after one night? It might be inconvenient and cost you on taxi fare to leave early but assuming this is the UK, nowhere is so remote that it would be impossible to leave.

MidnightExpress1 · 13/01/2018 10:01

I think it’s healthy thing now and again to spend time with friends away from family and partner. That been said it doesn’t sound like your in particular good place at the moment. Have you explored your reasons for being so anxious. My moh didn’t attend my hen she had other stuff going on at the time and we are still friends.

silvousplaitmerci · 13/01/2018 10:02

FFS ranbowandflowers what yellow wasn't hurtful!!

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 13/01/2018 10:04

Silver - she said her friend would be upset - that’s not a nice thing to say. The op isn’t obliged to go on a hen do whether she’s a bridesmaid or not. The bride is her friend and the op doesn’t want to hurt her or let her down. I would feel awful if someone told me I was upsetting my friend because i didn’t want to do something.
I really don’t think it’s that ‘anxious’ to not to want to leave a 2 year old for a long weekend.

Aria2015 · 13/01/2018 10:12

If you really can't face it, I would speak to her face to face and explain. I would also arrange something special as an alternative eg a nice afternoon tea out just the two of you. Brides just often want to fee special and to feel like their bridesmaids are invested in their wedding. Tell how how honoured and happy you are to be bridesmaid and how you want to celebrate with her so, as you can't make the hen do, you want to treat her to afternoon tea so that you can have your own special celebration. I'm a firm believer in offering alternatives rather than just saying no to something, it really softens the blow for the other person. Also try and push for more help with your anxiety, I strongly recommend cognitive behavioural therapy, it's what finally cured my anxiety.

MiddleClassProblem · 13/01/2018 10:14

Worrying about upsetting her friend will be causing her anxiety too.

Op does need anxiety treatment but it doesn’t mean she has to go on this hen do. It will just help her in life. This is from someone who has anxiety.

I think currently, the best she can do is talk to her friend and be as honest as possible about how the anxiety affects her. Just saying “I feel anxious about it” won’t convey how debilitating it is.

And do ignore people saying get treatment. That’s like saying ignore getting treatment for a broken leg and fuck physio. If your GP won’t help and none others at your surgery will help then try a different one if possible. Also look to see if you have any local services with free or cheap CBT. It will make a difference to your life and your family’s.

MsSquiz · 13/01/2018 10:20

I would speak to the bride and explain everything to her. If she is your friend, I'm sure she will understand. Maybe then plan something lovely for the 2 of you to do (afternoon tea, spa afternoon, dinner and drinks, etc)

I had 2 hen parties (to accommodate everyone who I wanted to be included) and at 1 part, only my maid of honour (out of 5 bridesmaids) were there (for various reasons)

WhatIWant · 13/01/2018 10:28

I don't want to ruin her hen weekend not being there

You really won't ruin it. It's too big a group for it to matter if one person isn't there. Henpartys are fun but they are just party's, they aren't essential for anything.

3luckystars · 13/01/2018 10:29

If it was me I would drive and not drink and leave whenever I felt like I wanted to leave. That’s what I would do because I would hate to be trapped and not able to get home if someone got sick.
I love driving though so a long journey would be lovely to me but might not appeal to you.

Don’t be forced to doing things you are not comfortable with, just tell your friend you will be there for some of it. Explain to her that your anxiety is bad and you are feeling very stressed about it. She should understand.

theredjellybean · 13/01/2018 10:34

it is not normal to not be able to face a social occasion because it means being away from home one or more nights

It may be ok to say 'oh well if the op doesnt want to she shouldnt have to' and also ok to say dont feel you should 'push through' MH issues

but this anxiety is above a accpetable level for normal functioning...it is life limiting not only for OP but for her children. They are growing up in a household where NOT taking opportunites because of anxiety is seen as the norm.

What happens if they rebel against this and do want to do sleep overs etc ? or worse they are conditioned to say no to everything ? think of the opportunities they will miss out on.

Personally my idea of hell is a gaggle of 20-30 women in a hen do and i wouldnt want to go but i would go becuase the bride would like me there , and sometimes we have to put ourselves out for other people.

But what if it was a wonderful opportunity for the OP or her DH or one of her DC to go and do something she knows she or her would love ? such a shame to live your live trapped in the glided cage of anxiety ..OP please go back to your gp and ask for help again, or try a different gp, there is CBT and meds which could help.

CremeFresh · 13/01/2018 10:35

If it's going to cause you too much worry , maybe not go this time.

However, the suggestions of getting help are a good idea, sooner or later your children will want to go to sleepovers, scout camp, school trips , university and it would be a shame if your anxiety stopped them from doing these things.

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