I feel like the worst friend ever!

[FussyKnickersAndGirlPants]

I am a bridesmaid in June and am due to go on the hen party in march. It involves a weekend away (2 nights) and includes cocktail making, afternoon tea etc etc
I don't want to go 😟 I have never spent more than one night away from DH and children in 12 years. I have such anxiety of being away from them that I had a (planned) home birth on our last baby (who was 9lbs11oz.... Jeez that wasn't easy lol)
I'm so worried about telling my best friend. I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to let her down .... but genuinely, i don't think I can cope with being away from DH and the children for a whole weekend!
I feel like I'm being so irrational and self centred. I don't know if IBU? I don't want to ruin her hen weekend not being there, but I don't want to ruin it by bursting on to tears and wanting to go home.
There are at least 15 - 20 going on this weekend. Would she miss me? Would it be awful for one of her bridesmaids not to be there (there are 2 bridesmaids)
Sorry.... I'm rambling.... I just don't want to be a terrible person 😢

how can you be pissed off at your friend for putting her kids first?! It’s a mother’s job to do that not a father's then? It's ok for them to go out when they like but heaven forbid a female does it. Her kids won't be put out, they'll be with their father who should be as capable as the OP!

The difference is you put YOURSELF out for friends - you expected your friend to put HER YOUNG KIDS out for you - not HERSELF

In what way is a parent “putting their kids out” by leaving them for a night/weekend with presumably the other parent or a trusted friend/family member?

Kids generally love sleep overs don’t they? Even if they don’t then surely it’s fine to leave them at home with their other parent? It is only mothers who shouldn’t have a night away from their kids or should fathers never have a night away either?

X-post with red.

No you don't have to go. I've 3 dcs - 12-22. I've never spent a night away from them apart from hospital admissions. Can't do it.

rainbowandflowers....do you think it is unreasonable to occasionally on the odd night or odd occasion to put someone else first rather than your children ?

worldsworstcook...gosh....your 22 year old has never spent a night away from you ?
I am stunned....and we wonder why we have generations of young snowflakes instead of competant , confident young adults.

exception being if your 22 yr old has some kind of disability that requires care

The red - not saying you can’t of course but a ‘friend’ is unreasonable to demand a friend put her above her kids

Raptors it depends on the age of the kids of course- kids below 4/5 don’t like either parent being away in my experience - it’s dusruptive and confusing and unsettling for them. Older kids not a problem at all.

And for gods sake - of course my comments apply to a father as well - stop picking arguemtnts that aren’t there

Raptors it depends on the age of the kids of course- kids below 4/5 don’t like either parent being away in my experience

That’s certainly not my experience but kids are all different.

So do you think that it’s okay for a mother or father (or both) to leave a child older than 5?

not saying you can’t of course but a ‘friend’ is unreasonable to demand a friend put her above her kids

But again... In what way is a parent “putting their kids out” by leaving them for a night/weekend with presumably the other parent or a trusted friend/family member?

of course my comments apply to a father as well - stop picking arguemtnts that aren’t there

It’s not picking arguments that aren’t there to ask if when you say its a mother’s job you also mean fathers job.

Well she didn't demand it did she? She was just disappointed but stated it didn't affect the friendship. Stop picking arguments that aren't there

i dont think the friend 'demanded' the poster said her friend was put out that she would not leave her 'little girl' for a night.

i for one am with friend and actually dont think a friend is being unreasonable to expect another close friend to leave their child for one night if it is a really important event .

Raptors - yes - age is a massive factor. 4/5 upwards then yes - parents are needed less by the kids, kids can communicate properly if they are unwell or unhappy for example
Not saying it’s wrong below 4 but I don’t think we should say someone needs anxiety medication for not wanting to leave a 2 year old - many people still breastfeed at that age for example!
Everyone different and parents diffrently - one mum might need to put their 6 month old in nursery and get 2 days away every week for a break to stay sane - another might want to ensure she’s with her kids at night for 3/4 years to feel happy - we shouldn’t judge either. We all do what it takes to survive. You wouldn’t suggest medication to the mum putting her kid in nursery at 3/6 months so why suggest it for a mum that is on the opposite end of the scale?

Red - she said it ruined the friendship and she’s still resentful that the friend didn’t put her before her young child

Not saying it’s wrong below 4 but I don’t think we should say someone needs anxiety medication for not wanting to leave a 2 year old

I don’t think anyone is suggesting that she anxiety for not wanting to leave her DC. I have a friend who’s never left her 9 year old even for an evening. Totally different to how I parent but hey, horses for courses.

People are suggesting that maybe she has anxiety because I have such anxiety of being away from them that I had a (planned) home birth on our last baby and the potential that she might cry and have to leave sounds unhealthy and unhappy for OP.

FWIW I’ve had anxiety and it totally sucks but there is light at the end of the tunnel so OP, if you do have anxiety, you can get through it. Honestly you can x

Raptors it’s putting the kids out because if they are anything like mine they would be unsettled and disrupted with the change of routine, Miss me and perhaps even cry at me not being there when I usually am. If a child is just as happy without that parent then fine - it’s no problem.

My husband works away during the week and my young daughter is always upset and missing him, does not sleep as well and will cry sometimes that he’s not there for example - he’s putting her out as he has to earn money and this job was unavoidable. A hen weekend is avoidable.

You wouldn’t suggest medication to the mum putting her kid in nursery at 3/6 months so why suggest it for a mum that is on the opposite end of the scale?

Because the op says she has a problem with anxiety that was so bad she couldn’t leave her five year old to go into hospital to give birth to her child.

Firstly, your friend obviously thinks the world of you as she wants you to be her bridesmaid. She probably either already realises you have anxiety issues and if she doesn't she would probably understand if you told her. Either way she needs to know how you are feeling at the moment.

Secondly, you need to try to sort out anxiety out. It reached a head for me last year and I filled in an NHS form which was on my doctor's website and was offered CBT. Perhaps have a look to see what's available for you. I did my CBT online as I was too anxious to go to a group session. It worked really well for me.

Good luck. x

Maybe I'm looking at another post? I thought one said it didn't ruin it and they're still close? I'm probably wrong but cba to scroll back so my own fault

I know plenty of mums that worried endlessly and the worst bit about giving birth to a sibling was being away from their older children - really, are you saying that needs medication?!
Home births can be great for everyone.

The 1130 one - she does say they are still close but she admits she is still pissed off and has a grudge

Raptors it’s putting the kids out because if they are anything like mine they would be unsettled and disrupted with the change of routine, Miss me and perhaps even cry at me not being there when I usually am. If a child is just as happy without that parent then fine - it’s no problem.

Is it a big deal if kids cry for a few minutes over their parents being out? What if they cry when you’re just out for a coffee with a friend? Should you not leave them even for an hour in case they don’t like it?

The home births thing is a bit different but yes, I would suspect that being too anxious to leave your DC while you go into hospital to give birth would be an issue. Of course if you just didn’t want to leave them or wanted a Home birth that’s totally different. That’s not what soap said though, she said that she had a Home birth because of her anxiety not because she just didn’t want to be away from the DC.

Don’t go to the hen do if you don’t want to - as long as you explain honestly I’m sure she will understand.

But it isn’t normal to feel so anxious to the point of tears if you are away - you need to seek help for that