Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel like the worst friend ever!

204 replies

FussyKnickersAndGirlPants · 13/01/2018 00:55

I am a bridesmaid in June and am due to go on the hen party in march. It involves a weekend away (2 nights) and includes cocktail making, afternoon tea etc etc
I don't want to go 😟 I have never spent more than one night away from DH and children in 12 years. I have such anxiety of being away from them that I had a (planned) home birth on our last baby (who was 9lbs11oz.... Jeez that wasn't easy lol)
I'm so worried about telling my best friend. I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to let her down .... but genuinely, i don't think I can cope with being away from DH and the children for a whole weekend!
I feel like I'm being so irrational and self centred. I don't know if IBU? I don't want to ruin her hen weekend not being there, but I don't want to ruin it by bursting on to tears and wanting to go home.
There are at least 15 - 20 going on this weekend. Would she miss me? Would it be awful for one of her bridesmaids not to be there (there are 2 bridesmaids)
Sorry.... I'm rambling.... I just don't want to be a terrible person 😢

OP posts:
theredjellybean · 13/01/2018 10:35

live your life...is what i meant

Ilovecamping · 13/01/2018 10:39

Some very unsympathetic views, obviously never having suffered from anxiety that stops you doing stuff. My DD went from a confident social person to suffering anxiety to the extent she couldn't leave the house, with the help of her DP who used to encourage to go for short walks with him and her family. Her dad went with her to see the GP who put her on medication and referred her to counselling (she was seen urgently by counsellor). It was long slog but she got there, best bit of advice she was given by the professionsl, if doing something makes you feel anxious don't do it.

Beefgoulasch · 13/01/2018 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiddleClassProblem · 13/01/2018 10:42

Tbf the OP isn’t saying her children haven’t/can’t have a night away. It’s different to her being in that position herself as if she is anxious over it she’s in her own environment with her own support. This hen do she’s not.

PurpleDaisies · 13/01/2018 10:44

Silver - she said her friend would be upset - that’s not a nice thing to say.

Her friend may well be upset. She might put a brace face on it but she liked the op enough to ask her to be a bridesmaid so surely at the very least she’s going to be disappointed?

That’s not to say the op is unreasonable for not going, it sounds like the anxiety needs addressing. Your insistence that this level of anxiety is normal is totally unhelpful and incorrect.

Butterymuffin · 13/01/2018 10:45

. I would feel awful if someone told me I was upsetting my friend because i didn’t want to do something.

But Rainbows what you're then saying is that someone isn't allowed to be upset if that then upsets you. Why are one person's feelings ok but the other person has to suppress theirs?

PurpleDaisies · 13/01/2018 10:50

I really don’t think it’s that ‘anxious’ to not to want to leave a 2 year old for a long weekend.

What about not being able to leave a five year old to go into hospital to give birth?

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 13/01/2018 10:52

That is ridiculous, in the nicest possible way you need to seek help for your anxiety.

If you were my bridesmaid and you told me you couldn’t come to my hen party for those reasons I would not be impressed at all.

Maybe let a more dedicated friend take your place as bridesmaid in case any more situations arise where you might have to spend time away from your DH and children.

gwhizz75 · 13/01/2018 10:53

if doing something makes you feel anxious don't do it.

That’s actually pretty bad advice... avoiding things that make us feel anxious is what maintains anxiety. It may offer short term relief, but in the long run it makes the problem worse.

RedForFilth · 13/01/2018 10:57

We can't tell you how your friend will react. But I do think you need help with your issues. Anything could happen, what if your relationship doesn't last? You'll be away from them at least every other weekend probably and you can't just crumble.

I say this as someone with anxiety, have been through an awful lot. People thought I would breakdown but I didn't. Maybe going would show yourself and others how strong you actually are. Obviously that may not work though.

I also think it's unhealthy for your kids to see this, you don't want them to feel anxious about being away from you.

Yes it's normal to want to be around your kids obviously. It's also normal to enjoy a break. Doesn't make people better parents because they're tied to their kids all the time does it.

BuzzKillington · 13/01/2018 10:57

As your friend, she must know that you suffer from anxiety - so she should completely understand.

A 2 night hen party sounds like hell on earth to me Grin

But seriously, you need to get help about the anxiety.

Lizzie48 · 13/01/2018 11:01

That's not very helpful, Ivegotasecret. It's not about being a less dedicated friend, it's clear she hates the fact that she feels this way. You have no understanding how debilitating anxiety can be, it's not something you can just snap out of. The OP can get help, but it will take time.

Goady much. Hmm

Wdigin2this · 13/01/2018 11:10

It's not normal to never having been away from your DH and kids in all that time....you must realise that! So you probably have separation anxiety issues, now is the time to tackle it! Why not arrange to be there for the second night only, you can explain your difficulties to your friend, I'm sure she'll understand. One night won't kill you, and if you go under your own steam, you can leave as early as like like next day, give it a go....you may enjoy it!

seven201 · 13/01/2018 11:19

If I'm honest if I was the bride, yes I'd be pissed off. You should have raised your concerns when it was all in the early planning stages. You need to have a heart to heart with her and possibly arrange a local day out just the two of you.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 13/01/2018 11:19

If she's a good friend, surely she will understand. But in the long term, I do think you should seek help, CBT perhaps, as this could end up affecting your children as they grow and naturally want more independence. Do they get to go on sleepovers and how do you feel then?

bridgetreilly · 13/01/2018 11:27

If it were me, I would work out how to attend as much of the hen do as I felt I possibly could. That might mean one overnight stay, or it might mean getting up very early on the morning of the middle day to be there for that whole day and coming home at night.

Then I would talk to the bride, explain how much I value the friendship, how pleased I am to be her bridesmaid, and how difficult the plans for the hen do are for me. Tell her how much of it you can be there for and also offer to pay your whole share as if you were there for the 2 nights. And suggest that you'd like to arrange something specially for the 2 of you, or maybe a smaller group, as a pre-wedding treat - afternoon tea, spa day, evening out, whatever works for you.

FurCoatFurKnickers · 13/01/2018 11:29

I liked the idea from a PP who suggested a family weekend away near to where the hen party is being held. That way OP could do all the activities and then rejoin her family overnight.

Definitely go back to your GP and ask about CBT/talking therapies.

geekone · 13/01/2018 11:30

My best friend did the exact same. She couldn't spend the night away from her little girl to come to my hen night. She is still my best friend and I love her but it still pisses me off to this day especially as I spent years puting my self out for my friends. There is more but it would be a digression. It's not harmed our relationship I wouldn't let it but if she does a lot for you and does most of the visiting etc and is great with your kids you should really think about putting her first just once. Sorry 😐

Amaried · 13/01/2018 11:40

Have to say I agree with the mahority I hate being away for my kids but sometimes things come up that mean I have to for a night or two. If I was the bride I'd be very dissapointed that you wouldn't put yourself out. I don't think a friendship would recover from something like that
your kids won't be small for ever and you could find yourself someday with out any close friends. It's hard but so important to try and maintain friendships even when kids are small..

NeilPetark · 13/01/2018 11:56

No sorry but this really isn’t normal. It’s all very well not wanting to go on a hen weekend, many people don’t like them generally, but not for your reason. Surely you knew this would be part of being bridesmaid, you need to talk to the bride as yes she may be hurt. You also need to find a sympathetic GP, or HV if your youngest is 2.

As pp have said, there will be times when your children will want to go away, sleepovers, school trips etc. You can’t let them pick up on your anxiety which then makes them feel like they can’t go because ‘mummy worries’. Is your DH able to go away overnight or does he feel like he has to stay at home? What about if you have to go to hospital, you can’t let yourself become seriously ill over this. Equally at some point your dc will grow up and move away, they have to be able to do this. You need to try and tackle this again and find someone who will listen and help you else this may ruin your friendship.

Lizzie48 · 13/01/2018 12:11

When is the hen weekend happening? If it's still some time away then you could arrange yourself some CBT for your anxiety. It can make a difference. It would really benefit you for the rest of your life as well.

If I was your friend, I would want you to communicate with me how you're feeling. I would be perfectly happy with you coming for one night rather than 2, or just for the day. As long as you don't say you're absolutely not coming.

I also think that you could be open to the idea of staying on for the weekend if you're feeling ok after the first night. Because it probably won't be as bad as you're thinking. The old saying 'It might never happen' springs to mind. I worry a lot, and things often don't turn out to be as bad as I've feared.

You could also call or FaceTime your DCs if that will ease your anxiety.

As has been suggested, you could also suggest meeting another time just one to one, though I think you should try and make a way for the hen weekend to work.

I think that you will find that your friend knows you're anxious. It's impossible to hide such things from people who are close to us.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 13/01/2018 14:18

Geek one - how can you be pissed off at your friend for putting her kids first?! It’s a mother’s job to do that - I bet she always puts them first above herself too - how can you expect her to put you before them when she doesn’t even put herself before them? Sorry but you are a bad friend if you don’t understand that children come before friends

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 13/01/2018 14:19

The difference is you put YOURSELF out for friends - you expected your friend to put HER YOUNG KIDS out for you - not HERSELF

DancesWithOtters · 13/01/2018 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RaptorsCantPlayPoker · 13/01/2018 14:29

Geek one - how can you be pissed off at your friend for putting her kids first?!

I’m not sure that declining a night away because you don’t want to be away from your kids is ‘putting them first.’

I do understand that children come first. My kids come first but my life doesn’t revolve around them. DH and I have hobbies and friends that we see without the DC. We go on the occasional mini-break and leave the DC with their grandparents and go out for meals without them.

Of course we also do lots with them but I’m not sure that it’s totally healthy to not have a life outside of them. One day they will grow up and then what? Surely it’s better to invest in friendships, relationships etc while the DC are young too?

I know it’s different strokes for different folks and maybe some people genuinely wouldn’t like to do anything without their DC (although I find it hard to believe that a parent doesn’t crave some adult child-free conversation once in a while). That said, I think it’s one thing to say “I never want to go on a weekend away, I’ll miss the kids too much” and “I never want to go on a weekend away as to do so wouldn’t be putting the kids first.”

I really don’t think leaving the DC for a night or two does any harm to them whatsoever, in fact they might love staying at a friends/grandparents etc. I know mine do.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.