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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel like the worst friend ever!

204 replies

FussyKnickersAndGirlPants · 13/01/2018 00:55

I am a bridesmaid in June and am due to go on the hen party in march. It involves a weekend away (2 nights) and includes cocktail making, afternoon tea etc etc
I don't want to go 😟 I have never spent more than one night away from DH and children in 12 years. I have such anxiety of being away from them that I had a (planned) home birth on our last baby (who was 9lbs11oz.... Jeez that wasn't easy lol)
I'm so worried about telling my best friend. I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to let her down .... but genuinely, i don't think I can cope with being away from DH and the children for a whole weekend!
I feel like I'm being so irrational and self centred. I don't know if IBU? I don't want to ruin her hen weekend not being there, but I don't want to ruin it by bursting on to tears and wanting to go home.
There are at least 15 - 20 going on this weekend. Would she miss me? Would it be awful for one of her bridesmaids not to be there (there are 2 bridesmaids)
Sorry.... I'm rambling.... I just don't want to be a terrible person 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
FussyKnickersAndGirlPants · 13/01/2018 04:00

Thank you all so much! My little ones are 10, 7, and 2.
I've always suffered anxiety terribly, even as a child.
if it was local or one night I could probably try to manage it, but as it is two nights and knowing I can't get home if i wanted to, is making it feel 100 times worse (if that makes sense?)
I've been to see my GP about my anxiety (before this hen party situation) and have been told it's everything from winter blues to try booking yourself on self help groups. I feel a bit lost if I'm honest ☹️.
I can't even break this down in to what is the main reason for not wanting to go!? It feels like 'all of it' at the moment. The staying away, the lots of people I don't know etc

I feel like a terrible friend. I'm excited about the wedding it's self. And feel really honoured to be her bridesmaid! The other bridesmaid is lovely too!
The bride organised this weekend away herself as she has family all over the UK so found it easier.

Thank you all for your replies! It means a lot to have some good honest advice 😊 ❤️ (sorry if I don't reply, I'm hopefully gonna manage to get some sleep now!!)

Xx

OP posts:
pasturesgreen · 13/01/2018 05:51

Could you compromise and go just for the first night?

It does seem extremely limiting to never ever want to spend the night away from your family. Your two eldest DC will soon start going on sleepovers, if they aren't already, and then you'll have to get round to the idea of spending the night away from them.

The sort of hen do you describe wouldn't be my idea of fun, so I sympathise, but nothing will happen to your family if you're not there for a weekend. There'll be your DP to take care of the kids. Hell, it might even do you good!

MsJuniper · 13/01/2018 06:18

I organised my friend's hen (she had requested a weekend) which was on a bank hol so over 2 nights. Some people stayed both nights, some one, some nearby just came for the night out. No stress, all good.

I would think about addressing your anxieties in some way though. I had to spend time in hospital when ds was 2 which was the first time I'd been away from him overnight. It was hard but useful in the sense that then going away for a night didn't seem so bad. If you have been that long without a night away it might be harder for you to be put in that position.

KERALA1 · 13/01/2018 07:40

I would be concerned firstly that this is massively limiting your life and secondly if your kids pick up on it. What will you do when they go away? My 11 year old going to Spain for 5 days with school doing adventure activities would you be able to let yours go? I would see a doctor. But then I love my girls weekends away and go on 3 a year. Couldn't cope with no break away from family responsibilities ever.

jellycat1 · 13/01/2018 07:47

Yanbu. I'd be very unlikely to go on a 2 night hen do.

FlakeBook · 13/01/2018 08:08

I think your friend will be disappointed if you don't go. She obviously really values your presence if she's asked you to be her bridesmaid. A hen weekend is about getting the friends who matter to her together.

I'm not big on going away from my children but to be unable to, to the point of tears, isn't normal and will limit your DCs' lives as well as yours.

Would you want them to grow up with this level of anxiety? Or feeling responsible for your mental wellbeing? I definitely think that some CBT for your anxiety is a good idea.

You can get home if you want to. Doesn't matter how far it is, you can still get home. Could you go for one night? Join part of the weekend and see how it goes for the second night?

If you have to explain this to your friend, make sure you explain to her that this is a real anxiety disorder rather than just not wanting to leave your kids. Because that's different. A genuine friend will understand the former. But if you can show that you really do want to be able to be there with her by joining for some of the time, that would be good for both of you.

Ceebs85 · 13/01/2018 08:17

The only way to get over this anxiety is to just do it. Nothing bad will happen realistically will it? You're important enough to your friend to be a bridesmaid, of course she will miss you!

ferntwist · 13/01/2018 08:21

Your children will grow up and stay over with friends and DH won’t necessarily be around forever. Are you okay if he wants to go away or stay somewhere else for the night?

Deshasafraisy · 13/01/2018 08:22

What works with my daughter is I don’t answer the question when I know the answer, I ask her it back so she can tell me the answer. This helps her ask it less because she has answered it herself.

Deshasafraisy · 13/01/2018 08:22

Wrong thread! Sorry!

Soutty · 13/01/2018 08:24

What are you going to do when your eldest goes away for a week in year 6? What if your husband has to go away for a weekend for a few days with work? You need to deal with this somehow rather than just give in to yourself.

If you convince yourself that you're going to cry and fall to bits then you will. How about just putting your friend first? It's two days of your life, that's nothing to give your best friend.

healthyheart · 13/01/2018 08:24

Do not feel pressurised to do anything in life you don’t want to do!
Like someone up thread suggested, maybe afternoon tea would be better.
These hen weekends didn’t even exist even 20/25 yers ago!
Stay at home if that’s what makes you happiest and there is nothing wrong in this at all, the world is going crazy!

SinglePringle · 13/01/2018 08:27

I’m a bit baffled by those suggesting this level of anxiety is normal. It might be normal to feel ‘oh, I don’t want to go, I’m a homebody and love being at home with the family’ but whilst anxiety at a level that stops you doing a fairly normal activity might be common, it’s not entirely healthy.

OP, the vast majority of people don’t have anxiety to this degree. Laziness / can’t be arsed-ness / a hatred of hen weekends yes, but not ‘I cannot face being away from my DP & kids for two nights to such an extent that it’s making me anxious’.

I mean this gently - I’ve definitely had anxiety in my life and it’s most certainly stopped me from doing things. Things I’ve gone on to do and enjoy once since I’ve had treatment for the anxiety.

Your children are going to leave home / go on sleepovers / head out partying with friends all weekend and you’ll need to be happy for them to do this.

I (again gently) suggest your reaction is disproportionate to the ‘task’ ahead and perhaps you should speak to your doctors once again. Take someone with you to advocate if they haven’t listenef so far (I see the irony in this but... baby steps!).

Soutty · 13/01/2018 08:27

I agree with the poster that said the only way to conquer this is to do it. Giving into yourself all the time and staying in your comfort zone is not going to help you, you will just get more and dependent on your DH and your children which is not healthy. They're going to grow up one day you know. They might move to the other side of the world, your DH might not be around for whatever reason. And it this rate, your best friend won't be around either.

Pandoraphile · 13/01/2018 08:27

Going against the grain here - yes I do think it would be pretty bad of you not to go. Your absence would be glaringly obvious as one of only two bridesmaids and her friends.

I'm not saying force yourself and go, I'm saying be prepared for her to be left feeling upset and let down.

Also - your anxiety is sky high and probably needs addressing. It's not normal to have a home birth with associated risks because you can't leave your family.

Pandoraphile · 13/01/2018 08:28

Sorry, first paragraph should read "as her best friend"

LizzieSiddal · 13/01/2018 08:28

I would feel the same and have suffered from anxiety myself.

I would feel so guilty about not going so I would try to explore going for a day or even one day and night. Could that be a possibility for you?

gunsandbanjos · 13/01/2018 08:32

This level of anxiety is definitely not normal, it must impact your life in other ways?
Would you consider another trip to your GP?

Mrscaindingle · 13/01/2018 08:35

The thing is anxiety, even if it is chronic is treatable there is no reason why it should be having such an impact on your life. If your GP is unsympathetic or doesn't seem to get it then go and see another GP in the practice, write down your symptoms and how it affects you before you go if it helps as it is hard to remember what to say sometimes especially in a 10 minute slot.
The older I get the more these types of hen parties sound like my idea of hell although being a bridesmaid makes it more difficult to dodge it. Have a chat with your friend and like others have said see if you can reach a compromise and go for part of it, who knows you may actually enjoy it?

Fabellini · 13/01/2018 08:36

Oh dear. I think it’s probably time to try again with your Dr. Is it a small practice, or are there a few other GPS you could see? Maybe ask if there’s someone with a particular interest in mental health and make your appointment with them.
You don’t need to go on the hen do if you don’t think you can manage - the bride probably will be disappointed, she obviously values you as a friend or she wouldn’t have asked you to be her bridesmaid, so you owe it to her to explain why you don’t want to go. The flip side of that is that as a good friend, she shouldn’t want to put you in a position that’s going to cause you such upset..but the first thing you have to do is talk to her.
Your children are going to want to go on school trips at some point, or possibly want to do sleepovers at friends houses, your dh might be asked to go away with work.....these are things that are part of normal growing up, and every day life.
What are you going to do if these situations arise?
It’s not fair to allow your anxiety to impact on their lives, so if you can steel yourself to try again with getting help now, then you may well be able to cope far better further down the line.
It is completely normal to be the sort of person who’d rather stay at home with their family than go on a hen weekend with a lot of people they’ve never met, but you know yourself that your feelings about it go beyond that, and it’s obviously causing you stress and worry that is more than what would be considered “normal”.
Don’t let these horrible feelings continue OP, talk to someone.

BackInTheRoom · 13/01/2018 08:39

These weekends need to be taken off the table to relieve the pressure because no anxiety treatment you receive now will be ready in time for March so just fess up to the bride and say 'it's in hand'. Then continue with your treatment.

FWIW, I get how you feel, I used to be like this but when my STBXH left me I had to become more independent and my anxieties lessoned which is a good thing. I can now spontaneously go away for a weekend! It's so liberating OP.

I wish you well 💐

Silvercatowner · 13/01/2018 08:44

I'm late 50s and this scenario always has been my idea of hell. When I was younger I would be anxious - not because of the event, because I just wouldn't go. The anxiety stemmed from having to tell people I wasn't going and why (although I rarely told them I simply didn't want to). Now I'm more confident and there's no anxiety. If people judge me because I choose not to go to events such as this then meh - up to them.

BackInTheRoom · 13/01/2018 08:45

For me it was controlling my environment, eg I had to have my own pillow, a certain smell, particularly type of tea, I kid you not! These things kept me in control and lessoned the anxiety. When you know you can control the new unfamiliar situation with a series of steps so for instance the hen doo is somewhere where you can't get back from. So I'd only go for 1 night and I'd make sure I got the train back the next day. So an exit strategy might work well for you OP?

WaggyMama · 13/01/2018 08:46

Your children may enjoy a weekend without mummy. Daddy can spoil them and wont say 'no'. They can wrap him around their little fingers and manipulate him.

It will be healthy for them to know mummy has a life that doesn't revolve around them. They will look forward to you returning and bringing them a treat home (or is it just me that does that?) and telling them what you have done.

Rudgie47 · 13/01/2018 08:55

If you dont want to go then dont.
However what would you do if you had to have a stay in hospital where there was no choice about it? Would you let yourself pass away first?
I'd go to the Drs and get some help for your anxiety. I'm sorry you feel like this it must be very limiting for you. Best wishes.

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