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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell women to get married before they have babies

424 replies

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 12/01/2018 12:39

This forum is absolutely full up of the following stories, repeated on a loop

Woman falls in love with selfish twunt (doesn't realise at this stage he is a selfish twunt)
Woman is persuaded to move into the home selfish twunt owns, or is persuaded to by a house but only in selfish twunts name because (insert excuse here)
Woman suffers "contraceptive failure"
Woman gives up her job to look after children.
Twunt has got her exactly where he wants her - now he can fuck other women without any fear of financial loss

I am so so saddened to keep reading these threads on here time and time again.

Women - protect yourself. There is a reason why a man won't marry you AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE'S OLD FASHIONED.

OP posts:
HopefulForToday · 12/01/2018 12:42

Women are capable of making their own decisions.

I had dc before I got married. Bugger all to do with anyone else.

DriggleDraggle · 12/01/2018 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 12/01/2018 12:46

Why focus on the need to get married (so called) and completely ignore all the other obvious mistakes - i.e. giving up economic security? I've seen a zillion posts on relationships from naice married women who are still fucked even if they do get half of the combined assets upin divorce because they have no capacity to pay the on-going mortgage and/or they their children are too old for the ex-dh to keep coughing up support.

RunningOutOfCharge · 12/01/2018 12:47

Er no

I wouldn't say get married just for those reasons alone

Yabu

Littlecaf · 12/01/2018 12:49

YABU

This has been done to death and is tedious. It’s none of your business. One persons experience is not anothers.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/01/2018 12:50

It's a bit of both here.
Many women are very capable of having a child without being married.
But you are right. There seem to be a lot women on here at the moment who are basically 'trapped' and it's horrible to read.

Baffy · 12/01/2018 12:50

YABU

Your post is not about getting married. It's about making sound decisions, looking after yourself, ensuring that you can take care of yourself (and any subsequent dc) should you need to, and having the strength and enough self-worth to not be pressured into decisions you don't want to make. Whether that be house, dc or any other aspect of life.

Marriage won't solve most of the issues your post.

Cornettoninja · 12/01/2018 12:51

Um patronising much? I'd agree with the sentiment that everyone should be aware of their situation and have a back up plan, but no, being married is not a prerequisite to having children.

Marriage is not a fail-safe way of ensuring you are not going to get fucked over financially. I think giving up work for any woman with a family is a risky move and requires a lot of trust.

gillybeanz · 12/01/2018 12:51

Surely if it was because he was old fashioned like you shouted at us, he would want to get married.
You don't make sense.

Timeforanamochango · 12/01/2018 12:52

Whilst I agree with the sentiment, I think woman are big enough to make our own decisions.

I continued working after DC was born and am the higher earner now, I certainly wouldn’t marry my partner just to give him financial security. If we get married it will be because we want too, right now it’s not something either of us care much about.

We’re not all damsels in distress seeking a partner who’s pension we can live off for all eternity. My advise to woman would be don’t give up your financial freedom for the sake of a man, married or not!

ColinFlower · 12/01/2018 12:52

Noooo don't marry the twat before you have babies with him.
Learn to spot the twat signs and avoid at all costs. Learn to stop convincing yourself that he's actually a nice guy.

formerbabe · 12/01/2018 12:53

What if the woman is the higher earner/has more in savings/owns property and the man has sod all?

Cornettoninja · 12/01/2018 12:54

But you are right. There seem to be a lot women on here at the moment who are basically 'trapped' and it's horrible to read

But that can happen with or without marriage to be fair. It's not as simple as marriage will protect your freedom to leave and be independent. It doesn't in a lot of cases, particularly when the woman has given up work.

StopTheRoundabout · 12/01/2018 12:56

This thread won't end well...
Off to get the popcorn Grin

Original poster
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 12/01/2018 13:00

Yes, I guess PP are right it's not so much about getting married but more about making sound decisions. I am just getting fed up of the amounts of posts on here these days from women who are utterly trapped and I'm pretty sure that was the plan all along by the twunt they got pregnant by!

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 12/01/2018 13:00

I don’t think getting married is necessarily the answer but I do get your point about protecting yourself financially in a relationship; particularly if you stop working.
Financial independence is really important and is probably the key reason I could walk away from an abusive relationship.

TheVanguardSix · 12/01/2018 13:03

Marriage is not an emotional buffer and protects you from none of the following:

"Woman falls in love with selfish twunt (doesn't realise at this stage he is a selfish twunt)
Woman is persuaded to move into the home selfish twunt owns, or is persuaded to by a house but only in selfish twunts name because (insert excuse here)
Woman suffers "contraceptive failure"
Woman gives up her job to look after children.
Twunt has got her exactly where he wants her - now he can fuck other women without any fear of financial loss"

Anyway... I'll have sweet AND salted StopTheRoundabout. Grin

brownelephant · 12/01/2018 13:03

Learn to spot the twat signs and avoid at all costs. Learn to stop convincing yourself that he's actually a nice guy.

if that were always so simple...

GetShitDone · 12/01/2018 13:05

I had kids, didn't get married. Bloody good decision in my case, I would have lost more than I gained when we split had we been married.

Adrifty86 · 12/01/2018 13:06

I'm definitely not getting married.

The house is in my name alone, I don't entirely trust dp (I think he is just here because it's 'the easy option')

I'd be insane to get married.

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/01/2018 13:06

And how many men say 'if you divorce me/try to leave, I'm taking the children'?

Twunts are twunts, whether or not you are married to them. Ditto the ones that divorce you and then disappear/change jobs so as not to have to support their kids. Marriage means diddly squat - yes, legally they are supposed to contribute, but twunts don't care!

YesitsJacqueline · 12/01/2018 13:07

It must be lovely to be perfect op and make all the right decisions.
I wish I was you

Original poster
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 12/01/2018 13:07

Ha, ha,

I made all the wrong ones

How do you think I know ;)

OP posts:
GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 12/01/2018 13:09

YABU

I have a child with my DP and I'm not married nor do I want to be. I own my home, I work full time and can support my child on my own if needs be. If I got married it would mean my DP may be entitled to part of my property that he's only been contributing to my the last year and other savings, investments etc.

So YABU and possibly sexist to assume all women move in with property owning twunts.

OurMiracle1106 · 12/01/2018 13:10

I think it’s more of a make sure you know the person you are having kids with/moving in with well enough before taking such life changing steps.

Being married only makes it more difficult to separate, and a divorce is expensive.

I as an adult woman make sure that I am not financially reliant on anybody else- that way I don’t NEED a man to provide for me which makes it easier to walk away