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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell women to get married before they have babies

424 replies

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 12/01/2018 12:39

This forum is absolutely full up of the following stories, repeated on a loop

Woman falls in love with selfish twunt (doesn't realise at this stage he is a selfish twunt)
Woman is persuaded to move into the home selfish twunt owns, or is persuaded to by a house but only in selfish twunts name because (insert excuse here)
Woman suffers "contraceptive failure"
Woman gives up her job to look after children.
Twunt has got her exactly where he wants her - now he can fuck other women without any fear of financial loss

I am so so saddened to keep reading these threads on here time and time again.

Women - protect yourself. There is a reason why a man won't marry you AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE'S OLD FASHIONED.

OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 12/01/2018 13:11

I wasn't old enough to get married when I had dd1😋.

killdora · 12/01/2018 13:11

I wouldn't recommend marrying before dc at all.

It's often after dc that twunts start showing their 'real' side. Sadly have seen it happen with a friend of mine, all lovely until they had first dc, turns out he was an emotionally abusive shithead - just waiting until he'd 'got' her.

He obviously didn't think marriage was enough to tie her to him, suppose he's right. You can get divorced, you can't shove the poor dc back when it turns out their father is a dick.

(Not judging my friend btw - no one would have seen it coming. It's just now that I have 'seen' it I wouldn't recommend it)

squishysquirmy · 12/01/2018 13:11

I have a close friend who has recently split with her controlling, unpleasant partner. They have a young child together, who was not planned but is very much loved (by both parents - the ex is a twat but he loved his son).

I am so, so, relieved that my friend never married the guy. If he had proposed while she was pregnant, she probably would have said yes. It was during her pregnancy and after the birth that his behaviour began to get steadily more outrageous.

It was hard enough for my friend to detangle her life from his as it was (he stated that he did not give her "permission" to leave him) and would have been even worse had they been married. In her case, she was financially independant (thank God) and could just about afford to move out (had to pay rent on two places at once for a while, plus all the childcare fees due to ex being obstructive as possible over money and refusing to removing her name from the rental agreement).

So I know there are some cases when women are seriously disadvantaged by not being married to their father of their child, but it is not the solution to all problems and can in fact make things much worse for the woman in some cases.

Turnedacorner · 12/01/2018 13:13

I think that all the OP is trying to say is that getting married prior to having children gives you financial security should things go wrong.

LyraPotter · 12/01/2018 13:13

Marriage is no protection against infidelity, unfortunately. Besides, if you marry an arsehole who cheats on you, you have to go through a potentially expensive divorce to end it. Also, lots of people have fully committed relationships and happily raise kids together without ever getting married!

NotACleverName · 12/01/2018 13:14

Women don't need you to patronise them, thanks.

formerbabe · 12/01/2018 13:16

all the OP is trying to say is that getting married prior to having children gives you financial security should things go wrong

Again, what if the woman is wealthier than the man or has a better paid job?

This thread assumes all men are higher earners and the women entered into the relationship in a virtually destitute state.

Notreallyarsed · 12/01/2018 13:19

Firstly you’re unreasonable to TELL women to do anything.

Secondly there seems to be this idea that being married is the solution to every problem in the event of a separation and it’s just not true. Being married made it a hell of a lot harder to get rid of the bastard, gave him far more control than he would have without being married.

DP and I have been together 6.5 years, never married. I own what I own, he owns what he owns and in the event of a split (unlikely but never impossible) we leave with what we own. So I get house, car and furniture plus whatever is in my bank account. He gets car, van, all his valuable tools and whatever is in his bank account.

Day to day, it’s all ours.

Sarahh2014 · 12/01/2018 13:20

Everyone's situation is different.I had been married before ( no kids) so after I had my ds with my new partner we wanted to wait a bit until he was old enough to be part of wedding and we could afford the wedding we wanted.We married when ds was 2.5

OlennasWimple · 12/01/2018 13:21

YANBU to remind women that as well as making decisions with their heart, they need to think with their head IRO having children

MrsPussinBoots · 12/01/2018 13:21

YABU for so many reasons.

I told my "DP" that I didn't want children until we were married, so got married and had a child. Lo and behold we're getting divorced this year. If we hadn't been married, leaving him would have been much easier and I'd have done it a lot sooner.

SansaryaAgain · 12/01/2018 13:23

Surely OP it should be AIBU to tell women to never be financially reliant on a man?

DP and I are unmarried but I have a decent job and some investments and savings. If he ever left I'd be ok.

My cousin was married, gave up a decent career to support her husband and raise their children and was left with hardly anything after they divorced and is struggling to find work in her 50s when she's been out of it for so long.

MidnightExpress1 · 12/01/2018 13:24

I agree in terms of protection wise financially marriage is good idea. I know I was left with nothing when ex left and I had DS. However I knew me and dh were getting married and had DD anyway, we had booked the wedding and the time felt right to have a child together and now we are happily married with another child. I think marriage isn’t as popular I know plenty of people 25-30s not married but who have dc and are quite happy.

Bluntness100 · 12/01/2018 13:24

Yes, I think you're a bit unreasonable to tell women to get married before kids.

My view is don't have kids unless you know you can provide for them and do not chose a way of life that would leave you totally fucked if you split with your partner.

I did get married before we had our daughter. But it was irrelevant. I kept working and at any stage I could have left and cared for her on my own. The fact I was financially independent is the key part there.

I do agree giving up work and moving in with a partner is hugely risky and this should not be done without either marriage or a route back into work where you know you can financially provide. No home, no salary, no way to earn a wage to cover you both, and no marriage certificate to protect you is a huge amount of trust in someone, and I do not understand why if a man loves you he'd ask you to do it, never mind be party to it.

My assumption would always be, he just doesn't love you enough. If he does and you are choosing not to marry and not to work, with no home ownership or secure tenancy it's not thr best of ideas and will always be risky.

Turnedacorner · 12/01/2018 13:24

@formerbabe I totally hear you. It works both ways.

AtlanticWaves · 12/01/2018 13:26

It's not so much get married before having babies. It's more don't give up your financial independance unless you are protected, maybe by marriage.

If the woman keeps on working as before after having babies then the effect is minimal.

If she gives up work and becomes reliant on someone who is not legally tied to her, then she could be putting herself in a risky situation.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 12/01/2018 13:26

YANBU I recommend it to you younger ladies I work with.
Sadly no one thinks these things will happen to them for whatever reason. I think they should be protected.
Women end up out of work so not able to stay financial independant for a variety of reasons.
Not intending to be a SAHM then a baby with extra needs comes along, or they find out they have SEN later and are unable to have them in wrap around care, or can't find any or any number of things happen.
Or they become disabled or seriously ill themselves. You never know what is around the corner.

INeedToEat · 12/01/2018 13:28

I have two kids by two different fathers, never married. The splits were easy (both the relationships were 10 + years) and over and done with very quickly. However I protected myself by having my own home, car, savings and a good income. No man or child would make me give that up.

Marriage isn't the problem - abusive and controlling relationships are.

RaspberryBeret34 · 12/01/2018 13:30

I do agree, for the majority of women, marriage is a good protection once children are involved. However every situation is different.

I married my ex, had a baby and he had a long affair and the only thing the marriage has left me with is a huge hassle to sort out as he refuses to sign divorce papers or engage in any way. If we weren't married, I could just walk away (he has no money to give me but may have debts I end up having to take half of). I may have to stay financially linked to him if I can't force him to get finances sorted meaning he could come after me for money years and years down the line. I've also just received a bit of money from my family which I may end up having to give him half of even though we have been separated for several years. It's incredibly frustrating but it is what it is. It'd be a lot easier if we hadn't got married!

meaningfulInteraction · 12/01/2018 13:31

Thank god you're here to patronise advise!

saladdays66 · 12/01/2018 13:31

Actually, better advice would be: make sure the person you have a child with is a good person who treats you and the baby well. Don't put up with any shit.

formerbabe · 12/01/2018 13:39

YANBU I recommend it to you younger ladies I work with

Yes because women hardly ever want to get married do they? Hmm. Recommend all you want but it involves two people so is not a solo decision. I know heaps of single women who'd love to be married...no one has asked them. How about recommending marriage to the men too?

bilbodog · 12/01/2018 13:44

Those of you not married you do realise that you would not be considered as legal next if kin if something happened to one of you? There are many other reasons that marriage provides legal security. Because when a relationship breaks down not everyone plays the nice game and you could end up in court fighting for what is yours but marriage provides some set rules - there have been many threads about this and i would not want my daughter having kids if she wasnt married. How can you stay financially independent if you or the kids get seriously ill?

YesitsJacqueline · 12/01/2018 13:45

OP i wasn't being goady, i am just in the aftermath of making all the wrong decisions !

a lot of my turmoil has been caused by legalities , although slowly i'm finding out things are not as bleak as i thought.

YES i wish i had the legal contract of marriage behind me and it was me that did not want to get married at the start , which i regret. But my DS was a surprise pregnancy and I cannot regret him , he's the best thing to come out of this whole sorry mess

ReanimatedSGB · 12/01/2018 13:48

If you want children and you would like to be married, I would advise any woman to think carefully about going ahead and getting pregnant by a man who is not enthusiastic about marriage. There is a possibility that, even if you have DC with him, he is still seeing you as 'will do for now' and keeping his options open.
I would advise any woman to ignore pressure from family and friends to 'give him a chance' if the woman has decided a man is unsatisfactory.
I would advise any woman to run a fucking mile from a man who is very enthusiastic that she give up her job/financial independence, particularly if she's not so sure about the idea.

And if everything about your life seems to have changed for the worse or become more stressful since you met your 'lovely' man, then there's a very good chance that the problem is him, not you, and not anything else.