AIBU to tell women to get married before they have babies

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

This forum is absolutely full up of the following stories, repeated on a loop

Woman falls in love with selfish twunt (doesn't realise at this stage he is a selfish twunt)
Woman is persuaded to move into the home selfish twunt owns, or is persuaded to by a house but only in selfish twunts name because (insert excuse here)
Woman suffers "contraceptive failure"
Woman gives up her job to look after children.
Twunt has got her exactly where he wants her - now he can fuck other women without any fear of financial loss

I am so so saddened to keep reading these threads on here time and time again.

Women - protect yourself. There is a reason why a man won't marry you AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE'S OLD FASHIONED.

Not marrying before having babies can serve a woman very well if she is the higher earner and/or owns any property.

Wouldn't an old fashioned man be keen to get married?
And YABU. And a dick.

That's what I mean notreallyarsed. If you are desperate to get married and your partner has basically said he doesn't want to get married, if all you are going to do is wait around for a proposal, ruining every birthday/ valentines day/Christmas eve etc its easier to ship out before you have kids than afterwards. There are always loads of threads on here about women bemoaning their lack of proposals even though they have waited years and have 2/3/4 kids.

YABU - My partner and I are trying for our first. We've been together 13 years and jointly own everything. We will never get married as don't believe in it. Marriage doesn't guarantee anything.

I think it's less to do with having kids and more to do with becoming a SAHP. I would say that anyone who gives up work / goes part time to look after a child should get married, man or woman.

Surely the better advice is don't have babies with twatty men?

If you are financially secure then it is better to protect your assets with any new dp (or old dp) Whether or not children are in the frame.

If you are not financially secure and you are having a child without being married, then you really need to consider worst case scenarios and ensure you have provisions for yourself and child. This magnifies considerably with more children.

Loss of significant earnings must be considered before having any children anyway, as we all know it is harder after dc, disgusting and unfair but true.

Yes and being highly selective on your baby's father goes without saying. You are stuck with him (and his gene pool) forever

My mum said to me:

If you can commit to having a child together you can commit to marriage. If you don't want to commit to your partner you shouldn't be bringing a child into this world.

I don't understand when people live like man and wife without being married. Why give the man's surname to the child? Why give up a career? Why would someone want to be a cleaner/cook/nanny/gardener/carer to in-laws for free? That's essentially what a stay at home mum is without marriage.

Interesting thread! Agree somewhat OP.

I don't understand how someone can think about having a child with a 'selfish twant' as you put it. Surely you need a good few buffer years to figure out what kind of person they are? I'd say at least 3 or 4.

If you're still figuring out what kind of guy the 'selfish twant' is, is it crazy to think that you should be protecting yourself not only against STI's but being responsible and using effective contraception and checking said contraception worked?

If you're only on the pill etc...how do you know 'selfish twant' isn't going to give you an STI? As the saying goes... Wrap it so you don't clap it 😂

In my opinion, Marriage is great but not necessary if you have those important buffer years to determine if 'selfish twant' is indeed a 'selfish twant' or a good, trustworthy guy.

YABU

Other people and their life choices are nothing to do wit you.

Best advice is to never, ever become financially dependent on someone else and to double up on contraception until you're ready to conceive. Can't say I heard about so many 'contraceptive failures' in my home country where men are actually made to pay for kids they father and benefits can be quite hard to access. 'What do you say to a guy who won't use a condom?' I tell my daughter, 'Goodbye!'

Me and dp can't get married anytime soon even though we have a DD.

Mainly because he's still married to someone else

@BrokenHollandaise can’t he just go for a no fault time divorce?

No idea what that is. But I know his divorce is at the last bit (I think) his ex wife is mainly dealing with it.

After 2 years (in Scotland, I’m not sure what the time is in England or other places) you can apply for a divorce without giving reasons such as infidelity or unreasonable behaviour. Just state you’ve been apart for x amount of time and both parties agree and it’s done. Is there a reason his ex is dragging it out or is it just timing?

Think it's just money tbh. He's done everything and it's all signed etc. She just needs to take it to the sherriff court and get it stamped etc.

I know she applied for and got legal aid but unsure if that covers the putting the divorce in.

I’m not sure if legal aid covers it, there was a big legal aid shakeup a few years ago (Just after my divorce). I’m guessing since you said sheriff court you’re in Scotland? It should be done soon then, hopefully.

They are basically doing the diy divorce but she went thru a solicitor where me and my ex husband didnt. But we didn't have kids.

You can’t do DIY with kids, I wish I’d been able to! My XH was a dick about the whole thing and tied me up for months in child welfare hearings he never gave a shit about to prove a point that he could.

Yeah we are in Scotland. It's just that last bit. My ex paid ours. And I know she is after him to pay for it but we just don't have a spare 100 odd quid the now. So she has to wait. And she's on a bigger income than us put together.

I think that's why she went through a solicitor. Everything so far has been exactly the same as me and xH. Even timescales etc.

So basically what you're saying is that as far as possible, women should take financial advantage of any man they find themselves in a relationship with.

You're not advising people to marry out of love, or suggesting that women can help to protect themselves by being financially stable and independent. You're saying that it's fine for women to depend on men to pay for the roof over their heads and the food on their table, and while they're at it they should get married so they can have half of what someone else earned if they decide they don't want the relationship any more. Nice.

@BrokenHollandaise ah that’s a pain in the arse for both of you. I borrowed the money from my dad (who was more than happy to help me get rid of the prick) because I couldn’t afford it. I hope everything is cleared up for you soon.

One would be U to marry a dick, or to have DC with them.

But YANBU that one should think about the financial consequences of their decisions, including career breaks to raise children. It's quite amazing how many people on MN are baffled when their unmarried relationship breaks down and it turns out there is no such thing in as a common law marriage.