AIBU to tell women to get married before they have babies

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

This forum is absolutely full up of the following stories, repeated on a loop

Woman falls in love with selfish twunt (doesn't realise at this stage he is a selfish twunt)
Woman is persuaded to move into the home selfish twunt owns, or is persuaded to by a house but only in selfish twunts name because (insert excuse here)
Woman suffers "contraceptive failure"
Woman gives up her job to look after children.
Twunt has got her exactly where he wants her - now he can fuck other women without any fear of financial loss

I am so so saddened to keep reading these threads on here time and time again.

Women - protect yourself. There is a reason why a man won't marry you AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE'S OLD FASHIONED.

@notreallyarsed it'll work out. These things always do.

I made exH pay for ours as I paid for the wedding lol

I think a better starting place would be to tell women to stop making babies with selfish twunts.

"Learn not to start (or at least stay in) a relationship with a selfish twunt" would be better advice. Much of the abuse and nastiness (including financial abuse) documented on the relationships board occurs within marriage.

Fuck no, don't get married. It's a nightmare to extricate yourself from.

I suggested women marry for some security on here once! They didn’t take kindly to my suggestion.

My attitude now is “ I’m alright Jack, my husband takes care of me now and in the future should anything happen”

@BrokenHollandaise quite right too!

It's going to be different for everyone.

But I do think we need better awareness and understanding of what marriage actually is. There are an alarming number of people on MN who seem intelligent, yet sincerely do not know what marriage is. I've seen people claiming that they are common law wives, that marriage changes nothing legally, that they have to change their names if they marry, that it won't matter if their partner marries someone else because of the will, etc etc etc.

Erm nope .

I have no intention of getting married and I have DC.
I want all of my assets to pass on to those DC in the event of my death. Not into anyone else who then could remarry and then my DC don’t get anything.
I also don’t see why everything I own (including my house) should automatically become half someone else’s when they haven’t paid half towards it.

My parents are divorced so this may colour my view a bit but I really don’t see any point in marriage anymore in a world where women are able to build their own “empire” and assets as we are now able to work and have children and earn money and not made to stay at home and raise the children .

What a wonderful world it would be if everyone was able to avoid relationships with shitty men. Alas, this is the real world and that's not always possible. For a start, many abusers don't show their true colours until children come along. Giving women (and men, when they're SAHPs) advice on how to protect themselves financially should their relationships break down is about the best that can be done until they somehow invent a twat detector!

I love and trust my DH with all my heart. I cannot imagine a world in which we would be separated, let alone a world in which he wouldn't willingly take financial responsibility for providing a home for his children. But there is no way I would give up my career and damage my earning potential to raise his child without the security of marriage.

I think yabu. Marriage isn't about financial security. I see so many people say that marriage is vital because of financial reasons, so the other person isn't left with nothing.
I didn't marry my husband for anything to do with money. I married him because I love him.
But a person doesn't have to get married before they have children. Even if a couple are married, things could still go wrong and not work out.

My friend is a midwife, she always says the phrase “common law wife isn’t a THING, look up your rights” should be said loud and clear during ante natal classes.
I don’t disagree with her.

For a start, many abusers don't show their true colours until children come along

Yes! Looking back there was low level control/manipulation but he never raised his hands to me until I was married to him and had had DS1. The verbal and emotional abuse ramped up as soon as we were married, and he raped me when DS1 was 3 days old. When I cried he laughed and said “you’re my wife, I own you.”

I see what you mean. Maybe it would be better to have higher standards on what is required in a partner before settling down and getting 'stuck with them.' After all it's usually the woman who is left with the family responsibilities while the man buggers off.

DP's ex advised their son never to marry his partner because he had his own house when they met and he could end up losing half of it if they married then split up.

They now have a lovely little girl and it breaks my heart to think that if they split, his partner would have no choice but to move back in with her parents (she only works one day a week). She'd have trouble getting a realistic amount of maintenance off him too, as he has his own business and his mother makes sure that the "profit" is minimised to reduce his tax liability.

'that marriage changes nothing legally, that they have to change their names if they marry, that it won't matter if their partner marries someone else because of the will, etc etc etc.'

Or their partner is still married to someone else.

'I didn't marry my husband for anything to do with money. I married him because I love him.'

That's very nice, but marriage is a legal institution than confers some important legalities upon those who enter into it, love is not the only reason to marry someone. For example, a bereaved partner cannot claim Widow's Allowance if their partner dies.

There are quite a few myths, though. A lot of people say they cannot afford to get married. Well, it's pretty cheap. You do need rings and you do not need to change your name.

I dont want to get fucking married. What if we want to split up later? Getting married is also a massive faff and expensive.
Ive had 3 relationships that were supposed to be forever ones. You honestly never can tell.

Additionally, if you are from a non-EU or Commonwealth nation, you cannot remain in the UK on the basis of shacking up with your partner. You need to be married to live and work in the UK if you have no other visa that allows you to live and work in the UK. I'd have preferred to live with my now husband, but it was no possible if we wanted to live together and for me to get a job.

I think from my divorce, we barely covered my exes debts with the sale of the house. I had a few grand left over, but less than what the wedding cost.

'Getting married is also a massive faff and expensive.'

It's not. A registry office wedding can be had for as low as about 75 pounds depending on time of the week/day and venue. You do not need rings, they are not a legal requirement.

Getting married is also a massive faff and expensive

120£ and half an hour in the registry office.

Your post has nothing to do with being married and everything to do with getting a joint mortgage/being on the property deeds/making sound financial decisions.

And if you own a house together, it's going to be a faffy, expensive split whether you are married or not.

I'm pregnant and unmarried.

And it's 'number of posts' not 'amount of posts'.

Your post has nothing to do with being married and everything to do with getting a joint mortgage/being on the property deeds/making sound financial decisions.

Another myth. Marriage confers other benefits, such as IHT exemption and being legal next of kin. There are some things you simply cannot get unless you are married.

This is exactly why we need more education on what marriage actually IS. Doesn't mean all women have to do it, but they should be making informed choices, and so many are not.

a will can be changed without the other party knowing about this.

I agree, keep eyes open and don't let yourself become trapped.