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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell women to get married before they have babies

424 replies

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 12/01/2018 12:39

This forum is absolutely full up of the following stories, repeated on a loop

Woman falls in love with selfish twunt (doesn't realise at this stage he is a selfish twunt)
Woman is persuaded to move into the home selfish twunt owns, or is persuaded to by a house but only in selfish twunts name because (insert excuse here)
Woman suffers "contraceptive failure"
Woman gives up her job to look after children.
Twunt has got her exactly where he wants her - now he can fuck other women without any fear of financial loss

I am so so saddened to keep reading these threads on here time and time again.

Women - protect yourself. There is a reason why a man won't marry you AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE'S OLD FASHIONED.

OP posts:
Eltonjohnssyrup · 12/01/2018 16:38

I know some people accuse the Church of misogyny. But the entire idea of monogamous marriage is to protect women. Without/before marriage men could, in theory, go around impregnating as many women as they liked without ever supporting any of those offspring. And a lot of men like that idea. Shagging lots of women but getting none of the responsibility they want.

The idea of marriage was that to get what men wanted (sex) they had to sign up to take the responsibility for any fall out of that sex (babies). And in turn that meant the older generation had offspring around to look after them when they could no longer work.

Obviously now things are different. But there are still plenty of men who would happily go around shagging all and sundry with no regard for any resulting offspring. But in an ideal world it would still be best to have offspring within a marriage to guarantee the legal rights of all concerned.

This also applies to men who are very silly if they have children outside marriage because their legal rights as parents are not automatically protected either.

Notreallyarsed · 12/01/2018 16:39

This also applies to men who are very silly if they have children outside marriage because their legal rights as parents are not automatically protected either

The law changed on 1st December 2003 to mean that unmarried fathers can get parental rights by being on the birth certificate. Assuming they attend the registration of a birth of course.

MissYeti · 12/01/2018 16:39

DP and I have been together for 4.5 years and are 6 months pregnant. He doesn't want to get married because his parents divorced and in his opinion marriage doesn't work. Hes completely committed to me and this baby to the point where he's happy for me to change my name so we can look like a 'traditional family unit's from the outside. We dont need a piece of paper to determine how much we love each other :)

Never thought I'd use the phrase 'not all men' BUT in this instance not all men are arseholes.

demirose87 · 12/01/2018 16:40

I have four children and not married. I am engaged to my partner who is the father to my fourth. I have three children from a previous relationship. I never loved my ex and I have no legal ties to him. I wanted to be a mother, not his wife. Yabu.

ExoticShorthair · 12/01/2018 16:40

Why do you care about anyone else's life Confused

PoorYorick · 12/01/2018 16:41

Hes completely committed to me and this baby to the point where he's happy for me to change my name so we can look like a 'traditional family unit's from the outside.

I don't see how you changing your name demonstrates his commitment.

PoorYorick · 12/01/2018 16:42

We dont need a piece of paper to determine how much we love each other smile

Again...please look at what marriage is. It is not a certificate stating, "Fred and Frieda officially love each other."

Tansilie · 12/01/2018 16:43

You don't have to be married to be in a loving, committed relationship, and to provide for your children.

If my aunt had left my uncle because he wouldn't put a ring on it, they wouldn't still be together now...

Eltonjohnssyrup · 12/01/2018 16:43

The law changed on 1st December 2003 to mean that unmarried fathers can get parental rights by being on the birth certificate. Assuming they attend the registration of a birth of course.

But they don't get it automatically. Nor do they have any right to be on the birth certificate. It's basically a hope and expectation that once you conceive the other parent will do right by you. It doesn't always happen. For men or women.

Branleuse · 12/01/2018 16:43

i know its cheap in a registry office, but we still havent properly sorted out our divorces yet, because thats also another massive faff.

Also what about the bit about maybe we might want to split up later? I mean, we seem ok for now, but who knows?

Believe it or not, not everyone has or wants a conventional relationship and not everyone wants a legally binding contract for a relationship. Staying unmarried is a perfectly valid choice.

rocketgirl22 · 12/01/2018 16:44

Osolea

No, this is not what the op is saying.

We are not talking about love or independence. We are talking about not being left high and dry with children and because so much time was devoted to caring for said children it is then not always possible to access jobs with a good salary leaving the mother and children destitute.. So it is important to protect yourself from this outcome.

No harm whatsoever in caring for your future, and making yourself your children are cared for in later years as well.

Marriage protects the family, all of the family.

Notreallyarsed · 12/01/2018 16:46

But they don't get it automatically. Nor do they have any right to be on the birth certificate. It's basically a hope and expectation that once you conceive the other parent will do right by you. It doesn't always happen. For men or women

That’s true, so I guess men should be married too to protect themselves in that case. I’m still not up for getting married either way Grin

PoorYorick · 12/01/2018 16:47

You don't have to be married to be in a loving, committed relationship, and to provide for your children.

Of course you don't. But you do need to be married to have certain protections and benefits.

Again, this does not mean everyone should do it. But it's all these posts like this that are reinforcing my intense wish that people would at least look up what marriage IS.

Coastalcommand · 12/01/2018 16:48

YANBU. We married because we wanted to, but now I realise it was a sensible decision financially too.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 12/01/2018 16:49

Getting married gives some protection but it doesn't fix everything.

Far better to encourage women not to have children until they are in a long term stable relationship and ensure that they return to workso that they always have the means to support themselves.

Poor choices leads to the problems you state, not remaining unmarried.

MissYeti · 12/01/2018 16:50

@pooryorik it's a compromise. I wanted to get married, he didn't so we met in the middle. Financially I'm more secure than he is so if anything went wrong in our relationship I would be the one that came out on top. I'm not daft, I know what marriage is, my parents have been doing it for 30 odd years. Just saying that in this day and age its not necessarily the best/right option for everyone.

bizmum1 · 12/01/2018 16:50

I agree OP - no way would I have had kids without being married. I went out with a commitment phobe before meeting dh - once I became aware of his issues I chucked him back in and kept fishing for a man who loved me enough to commit. I still work but at the end of the day, it's women who have the babies and the maternal bond is very very strong - don't leave yourself vulnerable ladies. May not be a fashionable view but that is my opinion.

therealposieparker · 12/01/2018 16:51

I had kids with my husband because I loved him, we weren't married, I got married because I wanted legal protections. It's probably the best reason to marry.

Tansilie · 12/01/2018 16:51

PoorY

That was more a response to OPs "There's a reason why a man won't marry you and it's not because he's old-fashioned".
Which, to me, implies that they feel if a man doesn't want to marry you, that he is not committed to you or the family, which is something I disagree with.

MuseumOfCurry · 12/01/2018 16:51

Yes.

For me, it's not even so much about the legal protection but rather taking stock, and making an explicit commitment to each other before bringing children into a union.

I think when my children were younger they didn't

PoorYorick · 12/01/2018 16:53

MissYeti, it is your life and your decision and it's entirely possible that in your case, marriage wouldn't be in your best interests. I've made a point of saying over and over that it's not the right course for everyone. But you should at least understand what marriage IS, and having married parents doesn't mean you do.

If you think marriage is a proof of love, and your comment implied that you do, then you, like so many women on here, DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS. And even money, though a major part, is not the only thing it covers.

Headofthehive55 · 12/01/2018 16:59

yellow
Not all of us have the ability to earn enough to support themselves and children. Waiting until that was possible would mean I would never have children.

PoorYorick · 12/01/2018 17:04

Or rather, if you think marriage's purpose is to act as a proof of love.

meditrina · 12/01/2018 17:09

I think OP is making an important point - because the unmarried 'success' stories here are those where the parties each kept their earning power.

What people need to think very carefully about it giving up their financial independence and reducing their career (earnings, pensions) in return for nothing (which is essentially what happens if you SAHM or go part time).

Each person has their own attitude to risk, but the number of 'I'm fucked' threads from lower-earners when a non-marital relationship breaks down, and the number of people who believe the myth that cohabitation entitles them to someone else's property, shows that there is still too much ignorance about this.

I'm glad this is a nice controversial thread. It'll mean more people look at it. And if any of those are people who are considering cohabitation, and it promotes them to sort out property properly and avoid unsecured financial dependence, than it's been worth it.

MoanasPig · 12/01/2018 17:14

This place is riddled with stories of husbands who cheated on their wives.. a wedding ring doesn't make a strong relationship.

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