To feel my husbands family are a bit racist

[Winterandspring]

I think racist is probably the wrong word I’m looking for.

I met dh when he’d already been living in England for almost a decade and now we are expecting our first child the attitude is very much that it’s time for him to come ‘home’ now They constantly slag England off, the traffic, the high price of houses. Whenever we are there they stop at houses and shout ‘how much would this set you back in England eh’ and we say £200,000 or whatever and they shout triumphantly how much cheaper it is there! Neither of us like visiting because it’s a faff either flying and hiring a car or expensive ferry trips and they won’t come to us. Plus it’s tense the whole time due to them complaining about England and the schools or trying to shove food on us.

What is worrying me though is I have no support at all and have struggled in this pregnancy. Dh has been making ‘well maybe we could think about’ noises. I would struggle to get work over there and so really my support would be his family, I’d rather not!

I don’t know why I’m posting but there was an argument last night and it’s just been annoying me today.

Are they Irish?

Doesn’t sound racist to me. It’s not like they’re saying all ‘ English people are...’ insert racial stereotype. Get your DP to have a word and tell them how annoying it is to have the constant comparisons. Or point out things that where you live has going for it.

With food shoved on you?

That's a problem?

Definitely Irish, we always shove food at people. It's called being hospitable.
They must not be from Dublin though. House prices here are mental.

Well I don’t mean to be rude illustrious of course we both have. But they are firmly entrenched in their belief that England is just not a nice place.

radio, yeah it is, it really is.

yes elton

That sounds more like xenophobia than racism.

Probably. It’s unpleasant to deal with, though.

This really isn’t racism. It’s xenophobic fuckwittery and they all sound like tools but it’s not racism.
And you can’t be ‘a bit’ racist. Either you are or you are not.

Well yes I did say it was probably the wrong word, but I didn’t sleep well last night and I was and am struggling to explain myself or why this bothers me so much.

Does sound racist. Sounds like they just want you both back close to them

I have the same when we go visit my dp partner family (& all we live is in the south of England visiting the north )
If you've pointed out already the benefits of where your living there's nothing much else you can do. Might be different when you have the baby though. I would love to move up north now for my children to be closer to extended family but it's my partner that refuses.
Be happy that your loved & missed by them. The comments & food is probably ment with the best intentions

They probably just miss your DH and are worrying about missing out on your child growing up. We get it all the time. Try to be sympathetic.. one day your child might not live in the same country and you'll wish they'd come home.

But surely you want what’s going to make your child happy? And I have this awful sense they’ll grind dh down and we will end up somewhere I really don’t want to be.

Have you ever met English people abroad?

This is just how some people behave. Just laugh and move on.

I feel like I should know what you mean bert but I don’t, I’m sorry?

Whether they grind dh down or not doesn't mean you have to move there.
Do not put yourself in the position you're stuck there away from any support with people you don't gel with and a baby to care for

Your H should have shut down this shit a long time ago and there’s a reason he didn’t and there in lies the problem. Your h’s family clearly have no manners and personally, I can not be bothered with those who are so keen to broadcast the worst sides of their personalities.

Ignore them and when your H starts making noises, make it very clear that you have no intention of colluding with his lack of spine.

No, well I have already said that dh will have to take the baby and go there if it comes to it, I won’t go, but obviously it’s pretty far from ideal.

It’s time time to call them out or limit your exposure to their bullshit. They are entitled to their opinion, just as you are entitled to avoid behaviour that distresses you.

I'm English living in Ireland and I say stuff like that to all our Brit visitors too, ( especially after fucking Brexit). 😉

As a rule I grit my teeth and get through. What worries me is dh now making ‘ooh maybe we could think about ...’ noises.

My husband's English family always ask us if we're moving back from Wales anytime soon. We tell them never whilst we can pay £90,000 for a house that costs three times that. It's not really racist surely? Just irritating.

Ultimately they don't decide where you live and neither do you. It's your choice. But if you want family support then you do need to live near family. If that's not what you want start building a strong friends network or working out how the 2 of you will cope alone. Have you talked with your dh about how your child will be cared for, who will cover times when it will be sick etc?

Try to be sympathetic.. one day your child might not live in the same country and you'll wish they'd come home.

I think most of us in that position would try to behave decently and not apply pressure/guilt.

My parents have managed it.

Surely they are just trying to plant seeds that England is bad, Ireland is great so you move over? Everytime they bring up this stuff keep mentioning how you agree and in fact parts of Australia/New Zealand has great value and a healthy outdoor lifestyle, it might shut them up!

I get the same from DH’s mum except its all emotional bribery to see the family more and we live in the same country but a few hours drive away! It makes us glad we live somewhere else though. We do not have any family support around us but listening to my sisters/friends/mumsnets issues of what comes with family living near I am glad. Its a choice though, some people want or wish they had family near and others do not so its down to what you and your partner want...

Not exactly uni

I used the house thing as an example. I also get FIL - ‘how much is your council tax, how much, go on, HOW MUCH?’
Me - ‘yeah, fil, I know you don’t -‘
‘HOW MUCH IS IT?’
Awkward silence, mil ‘have another cake, ooh you must, are you sure, I have some rice pudding, how about crisps, or s pork pie?’
FIL ‘WE DON’T PAY ANY!’
Me - ‘I know FIL, you said last time,’
FIL ‘But isn’t that great, eh, EH, no council tax.’

It’s so difficult as also they aren’t supportive as if you say anything like ‘oh, it was awful getting back yesterday as there was a terrible accident’ they use that too. Anyway, I can live with that but I can’t live with dh if he decides to move.