To feel my husbands family are a bit racist

[Winterandspring]

I think racist is probably the wrong word I’m looking for.

I met dh when he’d already been living in England for almost a decade and now we are expecting our first child the attitude is very much that it’s time for him to come ‘home’ now They constantly slag England off, the traffic, the high price of houses. Whenever we are there they stop at houses and shout ‘how much would this set you back in England eh’ and we say £200,000 or whatever and they shout triumphantly how much cheaper it is there! Neither of us like visiting because it’s a faff either flying and hiring a car or expensive ferry trips and they won’t come to us. Plus it’s tense the whole time due to them complaining about England and the schools or trying to shove food on us.

What is worrying me though is I have no support at all and have struggled in this pregnancy. Dh has been making ‘well maybe we could think about’ noises. I would struggle to get work over there and so really my support would be his family, I’d rather not!

I don’t know why I’m posting but there was an argument last night and it’s just been annoying me today.

That's a nice sentiment but the reality is that almost everybody does it. And if not with countries then with regions, counties, towns and even neighbourhoods. Best to nod, smile and mentally tune out - or start criticising back if that's your idea of a good time. Certainly don't get offended.

Seriously? I'm so sorry that's been your experience barbarianmum, it sounds awful. I honestly don't think it's normal, though. The only people who have ever been rude enough to criticise where we live are PIL - everyone else is very polite, even if they don't really like it and wouldn't choose it themselves. (I'm quite open about being very divided about where we live, and most people try to reassure me, "Oh, but it's lovely, you have so much on your doorstep in the city, and it's so cheap!" Similarly, I've never criticised someone's home town or village - it would just be hurtful and rude. I have to admit I'm a bit judgy of people who express snobby opinions about certain places. I have a north London friend who lived in a council flat on a rough estate 10 years ago, but married a rich guy, who recently said, snootily "Who on earth would live in STRATFORD?!" and I just thought "What an utterly horrible snob you have become".

Honestly OP? You hate them and you never want to see them again for a few tactless remarks and offering you food? You are going to make your relationship and life extremely unhappy for a long time with that attitude. And it will be all your own fault. And you're setting your child up for misery and conflict.

They might not be ideal. But to be saying you hate them before you've even got to know them reflects worse on you than it does on them.

They sound incredibly rude.

I would limit my contact and only visit very occassionally. I would make it clear to DH that I'm not interested in spending time with people who constantly criticise my home country. It sounds like they can't be bothered to visit you so why should make any effort for them?

I have learnt over the years it is best to ignore people and change the subject rather than try and fight back. If MIL tries to foist food on you, just say no, no thanks, no I'm not hungry, no, no, no. Mind you, my Mum does this so it's possibly a certain type of older woman problem. Very annoying though so you have my sympathies.

I am an old dragon though and won't take any shit from anyone...

Be pre-armed with a pocket full of boiled new potatoes. When they shove food on you just let rip

And people wonder why some Irish people still have negative sentiments about the English.

OP, you need to be honest with your DH that his parents are overstepping the line, and you are not moving in their direction. FIL can Google council tax rates if he’s that bloody concerned.

Personally, I’d love to live in Ireland (swoons over Ballsbridge real estate).

I know what you mean op. My close friend is in a similar boat, her DH is Irish and they live here, i don't think there's any pressure on them to move there but they did consider it at one point. I think she finds his family quite difficult for similar reasons that you have described! I really hope i don't offend anyone saying this because i love Ireland and Irish people but they seem to live a more old fashioned and slower pace of life than we do here, almost like they're a couple of generations behind us with most things. She also speaks about how they're always trying to overfeed everyone when they visit haha. She said moving there would be taking a massive step back career wise etc. It's like they're actually quite small minded when it comes to the rest of the world and what goes on outside their small village in Ireland. Maybe you should point that out to your in-laws op, yes house prices etc over here are higher but wages also are higher!
I'm not saying the way they live is a bad thing, i think it would be lovely if that's what you were brought up with but to move to that, especially starting a family might feel like a bit of a step back. But i do also think your in-laws really do mean well and are only saying those things because they would love for their son and his family to stay closer. From what my friend says it's a very family orientated culture and it would be quite expected that children would go off to find work etc as your DH has done then 'come home' to Ireland eventually!
Maybe you should be make the effort to do more regular visits especially once your baby is born so they feel less like they need to pressurise you to move there. My friend and DH take their Children at least 3/4 times a year to visit.

To ask if this is racist is to belittle and completely misunderstand what millions of people of BAME heritage go through in across the world each day, loosing their lives, their dignity and self worth. Maybe rethink it next time op.

It is rude to criticise where someone lives especially if they have no experience of the area.
When I retired recently extended family assumed I would be moving to the South West to "join" them all.
The idea of leaving the area I have lived most of my life (London runs through my very bones) appalls me so I have said that I cant leave the adult DC's and DH does not want to leave his family.
What I can't say is that I think the life in the SW is a totally awful prospect for me and I think they (my extended family) have lives and outlooks that are totally alien to me.

The Op needs to remind her DH why he left Ireland in the first place, if it was so great why did he leave ? She must also appreciate that he does know what life is like there !
I think the health costs of living there with childbirth , young child, etc should sway him for the time being, just be quietly firm.
As for Irish in laws, well I have had experience of that, as a previous PP said just see it as something vaguely amusing as they trot out the same lines time and time again its the only way through it.

Bloody hell there are some odd comments on here - the potato comment is offensive as is stating that Irish people tend to be backwards, small minded and not interested in anything outside their village.

Incidentally it is not true that wages in ireland are lower, in general wages are higher than in the uk. I lived in the uk for years - some things are cheaper and some more expensive; as a family we are significantly better off financially in ireland.

Equally, constantly plying guests with food and drink is not rude in some cultures, it's good manners. Expecting everybody to stick to your cultural norms when abroad is a little bit xenophobic.

The potato comment should be reported.

Op you have to get your dh on side.

Be pre-armed with a pocket full of boiled new potatoes. When they shove food on you just let rip.
Are you actually for real? What a disgusting and offensive comment.

Incidentally it is not true that wages in ireland are lower, in general wages are higher than in the uk.

I was just going to say the same. The threads on what people earn or what people consider to be a high salary always shock me as they are generally so much lower than Irish wages. As you say, some things are cheaper in the UK, others aren't.

I also think the comments that Irish people tend to be backwards, small minded and not interested in anything outside their village. are ridiculous. Irish people generally are much more outward looking than many other nationalities, perhaps because of the levels of emigration. But we tend to be pretty knowledgeable about, and interested in, world affairs.

I also found the OP's comment about the mil offering a pork pie a bit mean. She obviously bought in food especially (pork pies are not typical Irish fare) and the op was very dismissive of her attempts at hospitality. It is considered very rude not to feed visitors in Ireland. I think it's pretty poor to throw that back in her face and mock her for it.

Fil on the other hand, sounds like a pain.

The housing comment is a bit daft. Sure it might set you back £100k instead, but earnings would be commensurately lower.

It sounds more as if they want their DS and his family home and are used to ripping the piss out of the English than anything serious but I can see how it would be really grating after a while.

My friend has a similar situation with a husband from down under who has now changed his mind about living in the UK as they've had 2 kids and he wants them to be Australian - that was never once on the cards before they had kids, and it's causing nonstop arguments , so I know from her that it can be tricky. Good luck with the pregnancy and the discussions with your partner, OP.

(I'm assuming it's a more rural area because of the £200k for a house; if you just picked the figure out of thin air and it's central Dublin then yeah, that won't apply to either their comment or mine!!)

Maternity care is free or you can pay for it. Kids are free at G.P up to age 6 if you get registered but you should put them on your health insurance in case of hospital visits/long term illness.

LPT is maybe a comparison to council tax but taxes are higher in Ireland and no doubt you get less for them.

Some houses are cheap to buy, some are astronomical.

Villages anywhere (including UK) are often small communities that are inward focused whereas towns and cities are less so, there are a few big cities in Ireland too! I would hazard a guess this could actually be similiar globally 😱

Potato comment was one troll and I really think this is a PIL problem not, IMO, an Irish thing.

Wages may be higher in certain parts of Ireland and cost of living is higher there too but perhaps there are statistics to show people have more disposable income all over Ireland compared to all over England, Wales, Scotland? Its all bloomin relative and often lifestyle driven so not sure why people are getting their knickers in a twist over being more richer than yaw

People are right though, migration has been a big part of generations of Irish and it is sad on a variety of levels, neccessary for work in certain sectors etc. but it is a part of most irish peoples identity so as someone else pointed out on a general level its something you consider when getting into a relationship with immigrant/someone from another part of the country. Surprised it was not discussed before you got pregnant TBH and if you did then be frank about how you do not want to live there.

Seriously? I'm so sorry that's been your experience barbarianmum, it sounds awful. I honestly don't think it's normal, though.

Unless you’re on Mumsnet and you live in London.

Sounds just like my London based family who can’t get over the fact that I live in the north west.

Yes it irritates me when they do a ridiculous exaggeration of a scouse accent and say everyone’s on the rob (!) with no thought for how daft their cockney accents are . Ultimately though, I just agree or smile and nod along for an easy life then have a whinge to DH after.

Irish people tend to be backwards, small minded and not interested in anything outside their village.

Some Irish people. Admittedly my MIL moved 20 miles down the road to FILS village and was still called a blow in. But don't forget Irish people have gone all over the world and been great leaders and innovators. Even the Republican movement is a hugely intellectual one drawing on worldwide philosophies. Ireland itself is also an outward looking country encouraging investment and innovation.

It's not my cup of tea and neither Irish DH nor I wants to live there, but it has it's positives.

Anyway, it's a generalisation, but if you have Irish in laws I have always found once you are part of their family and you get on, they will be fiercely loyal to you and offer great support. Having a big Irish family is lovely for kids too.

@theymademejoin - yes, yes a hundred times to all of this:

Incidentally it is not true that wages in ireland are lower, in general wages are higher than in the uk.

I was just going to say the same. The threads on what people earn or what people consider to be a high salary always shock me as they are generally so much lower than Irish wages. As you say, some things are cheaper in the UK, others aren't.

I also think the comments that Irish people tend to be backwards, small minded and not interested in anything outside their village. are ridiculous. Irish people generally are much more outward looking than many other nationalities, perhaps because of the levels of emigration. But we tend to be pretty knowledgeable about, and interested in, world affairs.

(Hoping my formatting of the quote above has worked..)
I am Irish and I've lived in London for 15 years now. The low wages and to be fair corresponding low cost of food and alcohol were shocking to me when I came over, as was the general ignorance of anything happening outside of Great Britain. (I nearly typed UK there, but Northern Ireland may as well be the Far East for all that's known about it on the "mainland".)

OP, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I can nearly hear them myself as you've typed it. It's bloody tedious. I hear it from a lot of Irish who have moved over here too: "if I was at home I could save for a deposit, the people are friendlier, I could afford a house, the food is better, the social life is better, the roads are clearer, VHI is better..,"

It's really grating. The "coming home" talk was aimed at me when I was first pregnant, but thankfully 5 years on it's died down. Didn't stop anyone sending me links to daft.ie though....

Hang in there. It'll ease or you'll be better able to tolerate it when you're no longer pregnant. And a small baby is the best excuse not to travel!

They sound horrible OP. I’d tell them I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than live in Ireland. Tell Dp you’re happy where you are, and don’t spend so much time visiting them x

i'm clearly the only one here who doesn't get the connection between the Irish and potatoes, but clearly its an awful thing to say. Some will swear blind that racism doesn't exit anymore and certainly not on MN.

I love the people on here earnestly explaining to OP that no, no Ireland is just better.

Agreed that this is a PIL problem not about them being Irish specifically. They sound irritating but not nasty, so the actual problem is DH - if moving isn't on the cards then have a frank discussion about it, including the fact that it's cruel to give his parents false hope.

this is the reason for the potato comments, laughing at millions of Irish people starving to death while the British collected their rents

It’s also why it’s really really offensive.