To feel my husbands family are a bit racist

[Winterandspring]

I think racist is probably the wrong word I’m looking for.

I met dh when he’d already been living in England for almost a decade and now we are expecting our first child the attitude is very much that it’s time for him to come ‘home’ now They constantly slag England off, the traffic, the high price of houses. Whenever we are there they stop at houses and shout ‘how much would this set you back in England eh’ and we say £200,000 or whatever and they shout triumphantly how much cheaper it is there! Neither of us like visiting because it’s a faff either flying and hiring a car or expensive ferry trips and they won’t come to us. Plus it’s tense the whole time due to them complaining about England and the schools or trying to shove food on us.

What is worrying me though is I have no support at all and have struggled in this pregnancy. Dh has been making ‘well maybe we could think about’ noises. I would struggle to get work over there and so really my support would be his family, I’d rather not!

I don’t know why I’m posting but there was an argument last night and it’s just been annoying me today.

I don't actually think you're being unreasonable, OP, I wouldn't want to move either. I think it's because of the way you spoke about your ILs, who are, after all, your DH's family.

I also think things got heated because Irish/British politics came into the discussion.

And the way they speak to me doesn’t count? They speak to me like that to my face and I can’t have a moan on a forum?

I'm glad you are being strong and not allowing yourself to get pressured into doing what you know would be wrong for you.
I will say slightly in your husband's defence that becoming a parent for the first tome can make you go a bit wobbly and question everything you previously assumed to be true. People tend to feel more secure on thrir own turf and they often develop rose tinted specs about their own childhood. I know that once I had dc I stopped seeing my home town as boring and started noticing the good schools and the clean, safe parks.
Of course, that doesn't mean he is right and he needs to see that he cannot change the 'rules' of your relationship and expect it to be okay. He also needs to tell his folks to wind their necks back in.

If he doesn't have your back now, when you need it most, then you are probably best ending things. I'm not saying that lightly.

OP, I would be willing to bet that most of those criticising you have never been in your position.

Unfortunately you have somehow attracted the attention of the AIBU keyboard warriors who speak from the safety of their sofas and love nothing more than getting their teeth into someone or something and laying into it.

I've been there, and it is only because I have good rhino hide to bounce it off and am just not at all bothered what any of them think that I am still here.

I think that decision has already happened!

Thanks topsey

You can moan, obviously, but if you say you hate them, then you will get a reaction because it's OTT. I have issues with my DM and with my MIL but I wouldn't use the word hate. There are a lot of posters on here who are MILs so they will take it personally as they will see it from the other side.

And it's also AIBU, and OPs get slated on here.

I'm really sorry to hear that @Winterandspring. I really hope you two can work it out. As I suspected there's obviously a lot more going on here than some silly back and forth about house prices and council tax.

The other thing is that you are focussing all your feelings on the ils (and they do sound horrid) but they are not the real problem - it is your h failing to defend you/your chosen home. You'd probably hate them less if he dealt with them better.

I just feel powerless when I am trapped in their home, in their country, with one shouting at me about everything dear and familiar to me being shit and the other pushing food at me. And I do hate it. Poor child!

If it is definitely over then I'm very sorry to hear that. I hope that things settle down and you can work it out in the future

OP, I'm really sorry but from what you've posted in this thread I really can't see that your in-laws have given you cause to hate them. They talk about house prices and council tax in an effort to convince you to move nearer to them. They offer you food (as is very common in Irish households!). And they expect you to visit them. All part of marrying an ex-pat, and mildly irritating at worst, not cause for out and out hatred.

However, whatever's going on with your DH must be more serious given you're concerned that it's ended your marriage. I think there's a a lot more to this than simply not liking your in-laws.

@merzz - “almost like they're a couple of generations behind us with most things” - very insulting indeed!

Of course you can rant and let off steam.

Plenty of us on here are supportive of you too. I suspect IWannaSee might have hit the nail on the head too.

Hate is a strong word, but you are clearly uncomfortable with your DH's family and you quite understandably dislike being railroaded and verbally bludgeoned by them. You are perfectly entitled to feel that way. Few wouldn't.

Well, anyway. The way things are looking I won’t see them again. Every cloud I suppose.

God, can you imagine the furore if H&M had advertised a red haired freckled kid with a Mr. Potato head hoody on them.

Ask them how much they pay for the GP and prescriptions and maternity care and so on...
Are the pensioners? Then the answer would be nothing, €2 and nothing. We may not have the NHS but health care is free for the elderly, the unemployed, those on a low income and those with chronic conditions. Maternity care is also free.

For those for whom it isn't free, it is heavily, heavily subsidised and capped at reasonably low an annual rate. For example a few years back I presented to my GP with pain, €50. He referred me to hospital where I was given numerous scans, exploratory surgery the next day during which I was diagnosed with ovarian endometriosis so the surgeon lasered it off there and then. Total cost was another €75. That's a full cost of €125 for GP, scans, diagnosis, procedure, prescription pain medication, bed and board and after care. It ain't America.

Winter - please give yourself a bit of space and don’t decide anything until you’ve had more sleep. This forum is a really artificial environment and in this instance has been very unhelpful. Anglo-Irish history hasn’t helped the way it’s gone and has fuck all to do with you.
I’ve no idea whether your relationship is at an end or not, obviously, but you are both dealing with a huge change. His vacillation on moving back having shown no previous inclination is probably a freaky reaction to impending parenthood. Who knows. Try and talk it through when you are both less heated and more rested.
YANBU. I feel really sorry for you but step back and review all aspects of your relationship and your DH, good and bad, and give each other a bit of slack at this threshold of the unknown.

LightDrizzle is talking sense - maybe take time to take a few breaths

It’s not racism per se, it’s just a very different culture over there. If they’re from rural Ireland, as a lot of my family are, they aren’t used to the bigger hustle and bustle of big cities (and mine point out the downsides of traffic and how much better is is at ‘home’). We still get asked when we’re coming ‘home’ despite the fact I was born in England (but god bless that Irish citizenship now Brexit is looming!)

Also, Irish people LOVE telling you how much of a bargain they’ve got, I swear to god it’s like a competition in our house. The phrase “guess how much, gowan guess!” is bandied around every other sentence in our family 😂.

And as a side note some of the older generations still view England with a lot of distrust and disdain after the troubles, so there may be a smidge of this involved.

Also, my MIL constantly slags off the area we live in, we’ll i say slags it’s more like little digs and comparisons of when we used to live near them etc. And she’s from the south of England so it’s not limited to just the Irish fyi.

If you don’t want feeding all the time tell them, or have your DP tell them. If you don’t communicate then things never get better