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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel my husbands family are a bit racist

295 replies

Winterandspring · 11/01/2018 07:19

I think racist is probably the wrong word I’m looking for.

I met dh when he’d already been living in England for almost a decade and now we are expecting our first child the attitude is very much that it’s time for him to come ‘home’ now Hmm They constantly slag England off, the traffic, the high price of houses. Whenever we are there they stop at houses and shout ‘how much would this set you back in England eh’ and we say £200,000 or whatever and they shout triumphantly how much cheaper it is there! Neither of us like visiting because it’s a faff either flying and hiring a car or expensive ferry trips and they won’t come to us. Plus it’s tense the whole time due to them complaining about England and the schools or trying to shove food on us.

What is worrying me though is I have no support at all and have struggled in this pregnancy. Dh has been making ‘well maybe we could think about’ noises. I would struggle to get work over there and so really my support would be his family, I’d rather not!

I don’t know why I’m posting but there was an argument last night and it’s just been annoying me today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winterandspring · 11/01/2018 08:09

Barbarian I would be happy if I never saw them again honestly.

I hate them.

OP posts:
MongerTruffle · 11/01/2018 08:09

The stereotypical British expat (especially in Spain) refuses to integrate, complains about local customs and doesn’t bother to learn the language.

Original poster
Winterandspring · 11/01/2018 08:11

I haven’t been to Spain for the best part of a decade but thanks

OP posts:
Bowerbird5 · 11/01/2018 08:17

Just tell him straight there is no way you are going to live there.
Next time they mention the price of houses you could mention that the wages are much more. I am aghast at house prices in the south compared to North. My DD rents at the moment and she pays a whooping £850 down South and up here they could rent a large detached with room for a pony( which she would love) and we discuss it every time. There is no way they can save for a house down there. They were at uni near there and we're paying £360 each in a shared five bedroom house.
Just reply that there are good and bad parts in every country. If they start say " Oh but Cornwall, Derbyshire/ yorkshire Dales/ Lake District is beautiful." Replace a positive every time in a casual way. Don't let them see it bothers you. As said above bring up the prices in say Dublin too.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 11/01/2018 08:18

You can't be made to go somewhere you don't want to go.

A lot of Irish people do migrate temporarily so they might be looking at it that way. He doesn't have to go back and you need to tell him it's not an option on the table and get him to pass that on to his folks as they may not realise it is permanent.

I have an Irish husband. I think for English women at the start a big problem can be that as they speak English over there we go over expecting it to be exactly the same but it's not. It's a completely different country and culture and like any other country and culture you have to extend a bit of tolerance for the bits that are different (like shoving food which is their way of making you welcome) and also accept it might take some time to get used to.

Your ILs aren't obliged to like England, doesn't sound like you like Ireland much either! Much the same in my family, I'm afraid you'll have to muddle through. Perhaps they will come when the baby is born?

As for not liking the ferry or plane, well if he doesn't like that he shouldn't have emigrated and if you don't you shouldn't have got pregnant by an immigrant. I'm afraid you're going to have to put up with it sometimes.

One last word of advice, it does sound like they tried to make you welcome. Do at least try and get off on the right foot and get on with them. You are pregnant now so you are stuck with these people forever. It will make your life much better and much happier if you get on with them.

However make it very clear to DH that a move is not on the table.

peachgreen · 11/01/2018 08:18

To be fair all those things ARE better in Ireland (and I'm English)! Wink

I think there must be a backstory here as this is all pretty normal in-law behaviour - when we were in London we got it from both sets of parents! - and certainly not enough to hate them over, so I assume there's more going on.

musicHall · 11/01/2018 08:19

This reply has been deleted

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Eltonjohnssyrup · 11/01/2018 08:20

Oh you'l could also point out that the health service is free here and we have a decent transport system.

TinyTear · 11/01/2018 08:20

Ask them how much they pay for the GP and prescriptions and maternity care and so on...

Eltonjohnssyrup · 11/01/2018 08:21

And you never know, if Brexit fucks us up the arse you might be glad to go there!

TinyTear · 11/01/2018 08:21

Snap @Elton!

joystir59 · 11/01/2018 08:26

Just tell DH you are not moving.

Notreallyarsed · 11/01/2018 08:29

Be pre-armed with a pocket full of boiled new potatoes. When they shove food on you just let rip

Insulting Irish people with potatoes, very clever, you must be tickled pink that you’re the first person who’s ever been so witty. Hmm

DivisionBelle · 11/01/2018 08:33

It does sound over bearing and irritating OP.
And ridiculous: every place has its pluses and minuses.
People make choices for loads of reasons. I live in a place of peak house price and council tax, but we have so many free opportunities on our doorstep for Arts, museums etc, the kids get free public transport til 18, there is loads of public transport so they can be independent and I don’t have to be a taxi the whole time. SO much better than my family in a rural ‘idyll’. For example.

Oh, and I can work here. My job : field of work doesn’t exist in a rural idyll.

But mostly the situation is between you and your DH. ‘Family support’ is of no help if it means you can’t get a decent job so lose a massive chunk of income. Family support isn’t much coo if you don’t get on with them. And no way would I become financially dependent on a man in a situation where I was far from home and didn’t get on with my ILs.

Having a child does change people’s relationship with their parents. I became quite sentimental about my Mum and really wanted the Dc to have a relationship with her. Talk these feelings through with your DH. He may Well be thinking of his parents having no contact with his child and feeling emotional about that.

It is unfortunate that your ILs totally overbearing and boring behaviour is putting you off the very thing they are trying to persuade you to do! But gives an indication of what they are like.

BertrandRussell · 11/01/2018 08:34

"Be pre-armed with a pocket full of boiled new potatoes. When they shove food on you just let rip"
That really really is very offensive.

Ophelialovescats · 11/01/2018 08:38

I am Irish and have been living in England for 32 years . When I visit Ireland I still get asked when am I coming 'home ' !
People rarely take interest in my life here.
It is odd because people there are friendly and very welcoming but the talk always centres around themselves and their locality.
I raised 4 children here with no help from relatives and am not expected to pop 'home ' every two week to help look after my elderly father .

Ophelialovescats · 11/01/2018 08:40

correction 'I AM NOW expected to poo 'home '.
PS; They eat a varied diet, btw, not just potatoes !!

BarbaraofSevillle · 11/01/2018 08:44

Yes, there might not be any council tax in Ireland but people have to pay to go to the doctors.

I'm sure there's advantages and disadvantages of both countries and there will certainly be houses in Ireland that are more expensive than equivalents in England, because not everywhere has ridiculous house prices, but if you're settled and happy in England for the time being, that's all that matters.

If they came to you, they might find things are not as expensive as they imagine because of the exchange rate is favourable to them at the moment.

whiskyowl · 11/01/2018 08:48

Your description of the conversation made me laugh!! I can just imagine the scene!

Their behaviour is overbearing and irritating - it sounds like one of those real life versions of a Fast Show sketch. Funny from the outside, but can be grindingly wearing when you are inside.

My in laws are also overbearing, but in a slightly different kind of way. We have turned it into a game. We literally play bingo with it. We have a sheet (on our phones) with their top 9 annoying behaviours (e.g. MIL interrupts DH by screaming at him; FIL says something undermining and sexist; MIL says something snobby about working class people etc etc etc) and when we are on a visit, we check them off. I know that sounds awful, but it is just unbearable without something to remind us of the funny side. It also feels like we are a strong team in the face of it, and not being pulled and pushed around by their bullying.

BarbarianMum · 11/01/2018 08:50

Shocking as it is, not everyone thinks the UK is the best place on earth to live. Even more shockingly, in certain respects they are right.

whiskyowl · 11/01/2018 08:51

"Shocking as it is, not everyone thinks the UK is the best place on earth to live. Even more shockingly, in certain respects they are right."

This is true, but it is shockingly rude to insult the place where people have chosen to live. Family or not, it's rude and you just don't do it.

Loonoonow · 11/01/2018 08:56

There is a reason why property is cheaper - because incomes are much lower. The downside of no property tax is fewer services, you have to pay private companies for rubbish collection/recycling for example.

I come from an Irish background and have a very nice house there which DH and I had built for a fraction of the cost of having something similar here. I love it there and spend several weeks a year there but we could never live there permanently. Practically we couldn't because we couldn't afford it and on a whole other level I wouldn't like living in such a small community full time. I am used to a big U.K. city with all that offers in terms of public transport, culture, services, choice etc and I am happy to pay the costs involved in that.

Topseyt · 11/01/2018 08:59

When DH starts up just tell him that no, you will not be moving because of the detrimental effect it would have on your career prospects and therefore your independence.

Tell him too that while you are happy to visit, you find the constant badgering and pushing of food quite overbearing and sometimes upsetting.

WazFlimFlam · 11/01/2018 08:59

I have In Laws like this. They sit around crapping on about how bloody awful England is (at me) an how wonderful MIL's home country is. The weird bit is they are all English born and bred except for her.

According to MIL in her home country there are:
No fat people
No drunk people
No eating on the streets
No drinking on the streets
No 'obsession' with eating and drinking all the time
No failing schools
Respect for the elderly

Thing is, she hasn't lived there since the 70s, so how the hell does she know?

EggsonHeads · 11/01/2018 08:59

Ok, so obviously they aren't racist, just bad mannered and annoying.

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