To feel my husbands family are a bit racist

[Winterandspring]

I think racist is probably the wrong word I’m looking for.

I met dh when he’d already been living in England for almost a decade and now we are expecting our first child the attitude is very much that it’s time for him to come ‘home’ now They constantly slag England off, the traffic, the high price of houses. Whenever we are there they stop at houses and shout ‘how much would this set you back in England eh’ and we say £200,000 or whatever and they shout triumphantly how much cheaper it is there! Neither of us like visiting because it’s a faff either flying and hiring a car or expensive ferry trips and they won’t come to us. Plus it’s tense the whole time due to them complaining about England and the schools or trying to shove food on us.

What is worrying me though is I have no support at all and have struggled in this pregnancy. Dh has been making ‘well maybe we could think about’ noises. I would struggle to get work over there and so really my support would be his family, I’d rather not!

I don’t know why I’m posting but there was an argument last night and it’s just been annoying me today.

@MadMags

You were the other "mildly dickish" poster. Both of you could do with growing up a bit but deleting the posts seemed a little over the top.

Your posts which directly insulted the other person are left too. Let's not get carried away.

Surely neither of you thought that this was the right place to discuss such a heated topic.

Not tbh it’s hard enough without you getting at me.

I’m heavily pregnant, my husband has expressed a desire to leave everything that’s safe and familiar to me and live near people I don’t like and I’m very, very unhappy.

And I’ve got you acting like it’s sport.

@Winterandspring don’t start with that, you wrote a really abrasive post, being nasty and snippy and writing like you’d just refused to listen to anything your husband thought or felt. You came across like you were stamping your foot and saying no without a conversation. Since you clarified that I said fair enough and asked what he said. I didn’t find it funny or treat it like a sport, so don’t start that shite playing the victim. You’ve made it pretty clear upthread you can hold your own when it suits you!

Where was I nasty and snippy?

Your disdain for your ILs is dripping from every post, your responses to your husband were snippy and you were nasty about your ILs.
I was asking why you wouldn’t hear your husband out, and the response is all about you and what you feel which I pointed out isn’t great. And I get incredibly irritated with women who pull the “I’m pregnant” card when they’re challenged but only when they’re not getting the answers they wanted.

Yes, I do feel disdain for them because they are rude and hostile towards me and towards where I am from. Of course I am going to feel disdain.

To be honest not you really are treating this as sport, you can’t give any examples of snippy nasty answers from me as there are not any. I have given a reason: work, that is a good enough reason, and ultimately dh has the choice of where he lives and so do I.

Well Very, perhaps you deem posts about the IRA as not worth deleting but thankfully you’re obviously in the minority.

@Winterandspring fair enough, I’m out. If you treat people like shit don’t be surprised when you get it back. But playing the victim because you don’t like what I’ve said? Nope, not biting.
Your entire tone across this thread is snippy, the way you respond and the way you utterly refuse to consider anyone else’s opinion. So you crack on, but don’t play the victim with me because it won’t wash.

I’m glad to hear you are out as your posts are not helpful. It isn’t about not liking what you’ve said, but you are inventing things I’ve said, responding to fictitious posts and then getting rude when I point out that you are wrong. It isn’t about playing a victim, it’s about your posts deliberately attempting to belittle and harass. If you don’t want people to play a victim, don’t play a bully.

It isn’t about not liking what you’ve said, but you are inventing things I’ve said, responding to fictitious posts and then getting rude when I point out that you are wrong. It isn’t about playing a victim, it’s about your posts deliberately attempting to belittle and harass. If you don’t want people to play a victim, don’t play a bully.

What fictitious posts? And where exactly have I been rude? You shut down your own husband and can’t actually give any examples of why you hate your ILs so much other than they’re not your kind of people. I haven’t belittled you, and I’m not a bully. You seem to react badly when people oppose your views. Your poor husband.

You’ve been really rude.

You’ve claimed I have been nasty and snippy and I have not. You failed to give any specific examples when asked.
You claimed I was playing the victim when I asked you to back off.
You kept on and on about me supposedly not listening to DHs opinion in a pretty unpleasant way.
And now “your poor husband”

And you really think you’re not behaving like a bully?

Your initial post was nasty and snippy, which I already said.

You were playing the victim because you didn’t have any trouble shutting your husband and ILs down but as soon as I said anything you pulled the “I’m pregnant” card.

You didn’t listen to him? You said that yourself that you weren’t prepared to move, or even consider it.

Your poor husband - that was wrong, and I’m sorry. It was unnecessary and unfair and I shouldn’t have said it.

I stand by the comment that not compromising or being prepared to listen doesn’t bode well in any relationship (my own included!)

But you cannot start a thread in AIBU, make your point in a pretty mean and blunt way and then start calling people bullies when they disagree with you.

OP, I don't think you have been snippy. You are at a vulnerable stage in your life, you don't want to move to be surrounded by people you feel less than comfortable with and you don't want to prejudice your potential to work in your chosen field, which presumably you have worked hard for for quite some time.

Maybe step back from the thread. Hide it if needed. Let those who are having a pop at you just resort to bickering amongst themselves.

You have to do what is right for you. You have communicated to your DH that it wasn't and isn't as simple as he thought.

Of course you need to consider his feelings. I am sure you will visit his family at times. Equally, he too needs to consider your feelings before hinting publicly to his parents that maybe you could consider uprooting and moving over there, before he had even discussed it with you first.

No, it wasn’t nasty and snippy. I haven’t been remotely mean.

My ILs shout, won’t let us talk about anything without shouting at us how shite England is, so obviously I don’t like spending time with them.

My poor husband is welcome to them. Up until this pregnancy he also hated going there.

Just leave it.

Topsey, thank you, I really haven’t. I’m so confused by that.

For fucks sake I wasn’t rude, apart from the “your poor husband” comment which was out of order and I have apologised for it.

I’ve read back my other comments and I cannot see where I’ve been rude or had a pop?

Anyway, I don’t really care either way. But maybe avoid AIBU in future OP, this thread is nothing compared to some of the really nasty ones.

I’ve explained to you where you were rude, the fact that you reply with “for fucks sake”is also pretty rude. Actually I would substitute unpleasant and deliberately provocative for rude.

Not, why should the OP even entertain the notion? The husband has never expressed any desire to move back until now - he is changing the terms under which they got married/started a family, not her.
I wouldn't want to raise a baby living close to people who constantly criticise half its heritage either. Not going to br much fun for her, is it? Trapped in a country with shouty, bullish IL's and no job. They are not doing much to endear themselves.
OP would be mad to give up her career to live in a place that she doesn't want to live in.

Actually, 'for f•ck sake' is very much standard for AIBU, I would say you're giving as good as you're getting tbh. You start this kind of thread about ILs, and ask AIBU, and you will get people answering yes, and why they think you are. Notreallyarsed hasn't been rude, she's just told you what she thinks, which is what she does.

@Winterandspring You're not being unreasonable to not want to move, regardless of where it is. You have a life where you are and moving is a huge decision that you should never make if you're not 100% sure - I WAS sure and even I have found it very hard. I can't imagine for a second that your DH would move without you!

However, that's not what you asked. You asked if you were unreasonable to call your husband's family racist. You are. And it's hard to understand how a bit of banter about Ireland vs England can be so bad that it's made you HATE your in-laws. My in-laws did it when we lived in London. My parents do the same but in reverse now that we've moved to NI. It's not a personal attack!

@Lizzie48 thank you

OP, best of luck with your pregnancy.

But I’m not just being answered yes, lizzie

I am having it claimed I am some sort of naturally objectionable person because I don’t like my ils behaviour and controlling my “poor husband”

You see, I don't get something here.

Every so often there are threads by women (usually women anyway) who are being pressured by their husbands or partners to up sticks and move abroad when they don't want to and would prefer to stay where their own work is rather than become a trailing spouse.

They are, rightly, told to stand up for themselves rather than be forced into a position where they would be potentially very unhappy and vulnerable.

OP, you have done as usually advised and not simply acquiesced, yet you are being criticised for that. Ignore it.

peach it had been going on for at least a decade tbh.

Anyway I think my marriage ended last night/today. I feel pretty numb.

What happened? Hope you are okay