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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my parents for one afternoon per week childcare

382 replies

IndependentMum · 09/01/2018 20:40

So they manage to get to church once a week and do all their church warden stuff weekly right.. so why not commit to looking after my son for one afternoon per week? My mum even said, I wish we could help with a regular commitment but we don't want one.. I know it would solve all your problems..

I'm really pissed off. I work in the emergency services in a stressful job and come home to more stress with an autistic 11 year old. I have no time to myself as I go to work when the ex has him every other weekend. I have no life, yet i'm still scrabbling desperately for childcare wondering how i'm going to get through each week. It's a bloody nightmare

OP posts:
peachgreen · 09/01/2018 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chocolate50 · 09/01/2018 20:45

Have you tried talking to your parents about why they feel they can't help? Is your mum being influenced by another family member?
I can't imagine why they wouldn't want to help out a bit. You aren't asking for a lot. Is your DS a handful? Just wondering if that could be it.
Sorry life is shit for you atm, it does get better - as he gets older. It won't last!

wizzywig · 09/01/2018 20:46

Op I get you. I have in-laws who like talking the religious talk but don't actually physically do anything.

PandaPieForTea · 09/01/2018 20:47

That doesn’t sound very Christian of them. Could you find some bible quotes to encourage them to help?

RavenWings · 09/01/2018 20:47

Yabu. It would be nice if they helped, but they don't have to - they've had their children and raised them. Honestly it sounds like you've had that conversation and " I don't want to" is a perfectly valid reason to not want to do free babysitting.

I sympathise because it sounds tough, but I don't see that they're obliged to do it at all - even if it's just for a short while.

Bluedoglead · 09/01/2018 20:48

You already asked. They said no.

TheSameCoin · 09/01/2018 20:49

I honestly think it’s fair enough that they don’t want to commit to a regular arrangement. My parents are like this in that they are more than happy to look after my DCs on an ad hoc basis but don’t want to have a regular slot. As a previous poster said, being a grandparent doesn’t entitle you to free childcare.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/01/2018 20:49

They are not unreasonable not to have your child, but commenting that they wish they could help when they coyld is very unreasonable.

TeaAndToast85 · 09/01/2018 20:49

They are not obliged to help you out, but it is a bit rich that they are talking the churchy talk and not walking the walk Hmm they sound mean. Hope you find a solution, OP x

Thirtyrock39 · 09/01/2018 20:51

I'd be glad they're being honest ...you surely wouldn't want them flung childcare they're not happy to do? I think yabu a lot of grandparents like helping out now and then but don't want to be tied down to a weekly commitment and sounds like they have commitments already with church

DriggleDraggle · 09/01/2018 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 09/01/2018 20:52

No. I don't think it's your right to have childcare from your parents. Sorry. How do you think people without parents or expats manage?

glow1984 · 09/01/2018 20:54

Theyve had their own kids, I guess they feel like theyve had their share of childcare already

YANBU to ask
YABU to feel that you are entitled to it

kaytee87 · 09/01/2018 20:55

How do you think people without parents or expats manage?

Op is neither so not sure why this is valid.

Op in real life I don't know one person whose parents don't help them out with even a small amount of childcare. Yanbu to be annoyed. I don't understand why grandparents who have time and are fit wouldn't want to help their child out 🤷🏼‍♀️ that's just my experience though.

GingerbreadMa · 09/01/2018 20:56

Maybe they just want to be grannie and grandad! I.e. " good cops"
Once you do actual child care for your grandchildren you have to do the roles that you thought you were done with, i.e. the one saying "no" rather than the one spoiling them during family visits and outtings?

UnitedKungdom · 09/01/2018 20:59

Could you scrabble together a weekly budget to cover some respite childcare? Someone with childcare experience who comes for 4-5 hrs once s week to do activities etc so you can have a break? A lot of people would do that at min wage for some extra cash.

iamyourequal · 09/01/2018 20:59

I feel for you OP. It sounds like it's tough going. I was wondering if they won't help because your DS is autistic and they might find that difficult to cope with?

WillNotBeBulliedAnymore · 09/01/2018 21:01

Thing is, they have done their child rearing, you having a child was your choice not theirs, and I don't blame them for not wnating to be tied down by a regular commitment - I have 4 grown up DC's and I want my own life now - as do your parents obviously

StopTheRoundabout · 09/01/2018 21:02

Could the ex's parents help out?

xandersmom2 · 09/01/2018 21:02

We lived overseas the first few years of kids, so had no support at all. A big part of us moving 'home' was my parents enthusing about helping out with the kids during school holidays etc. Once we got here they did a complete 180 and decided the kids are 'too much' for them.

I now work Mon-Fri and DH works nights and weekends so we can juggle the childcare. Holidays, even Bank Holidays (which neither of us is automatically entitled to) and teacher training days are a constant scramble, both of us trying to rework schedules, swap shifts, take holiday and so on. It's very stressful. And my kids are tweens!

It's not unreasonable to expect grandparents to help, but (as annoyed as I am about my own situation) it's also not unreasonable for them to decide they don't want a regular commitment. I am constantly jealous of friends and colleagues whose parents and in-laws provide support with childcare, but it's never going to happen for us. SO we just muddle on through...

Original poster
IndependentMum · 09/01/2018 21:03

Thanks for all the replies. The ex won't help out with the childcare he lives an hour and a half away and has got remarried. I am trying desperately to ask any mums at the school if they can help, I already have an arrangement with one of the mum's which is reciprocal where I help her too. Basically i'm at a point where it's sink or swim. If I have to give up my job as a paramedic that's it, i'll lose the mortgage, everything. All for just one afternoon per week? I've changed my rota and everything to try and avoid asking my parents for help as previously I was asking them for more help with nightshifts, I don't have to ask them for those now. Just one afternoon.. just one afternoon... :-( My son isn't a handful btw, he's fairly well behaved, but he is also being affected by the instability of my childcare arrangements. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on..

OP posts:
RB68 · 09/01/2018 21:04

I would have to go and have a heart to heart with the minister about it all, how people need to put into practice some of the principles of religion and around community and doing things for each other etc and encourage him to be preaching that stuff....

Original poster
IndependentMum · 09/01/2018 21:05

All the exes side of the family live and hour and a half away. Exe's parents are great in the school holidays but can't help during the school week as my DS school is in my home town

OP posts:
MakeMisogynyAHateCrime · 09/01/2018 21:05

Have you read your user name?

I get it is hard. Both my DH and I have worked shift work over the years (often at the same time) and we live in different countries to our families. You just get on with it, especially as they say they don’t want to commit to a regular arrangement. It’s up to them.

RB68 · 09/01/2018 21:06

Is there any chance of some respite care? Or a local buddy scheme where a buddy takes them out for the afternoon etc